Things to do in Cardiff when you're Death

Episode 2.07 ‘Dead Man Walking’

TX: 28^th February 2008

Aerial shot of Cardiff! Drink! Torchwood - outside the government, beyond the police. On the evidence of last week though, that’s more of a ceremonial position. Oh well.

You may have forgotten what happened last week, but Owen is DEAD. He has a big hole in his chest. It must still be the same day as last week, because Ianto’s wearing the same black suit-red shirt combination. Martha’s dressed up in her autopsy clothes. Everyone else has gathered round to watch, and I’m sorry but how fucking ghoulish are these people? [Because he is a valuable member of the team, and at least three of them fancy him, so obviously they get their jollies from watching him sawn open. - Carrie] I’m going to lightly skip over the question of why an autopsy is actually necessary when it’s fucking obvious how he died and they all saw it happen. It’s like they just do it for kicks, the sickos. But wait! Jack bursts in and is all like, “STOP! Nobody touches him till I get back! Is that clear?” So were they all going to take turns autopsifying him? And is Jack making an urgent call to his local Necrophiliacs Anonymous meeting?

No, he seems to have gone to some sort of Victorian opium den. A young girl tells the bouncers to let him in because she’s been “looking forward to seeing the Captain again”. Christ, just when you thought Jack couldn’t stoop any lower... what would Jeremy Kyle think? Oh, it’s okay, she’s just some kind of tarot-reading fortune-teller type. He discovers “it” is hidden in a church, and I’m sure he isn’t talking about a resurrection glove, because that would definitely not make a comeback, right? (Superswots may remember Ianto's ominous comment that gloves "come in pairs" from last series.) The girl says that “When they found out what it could do, they built the church around it.” Then she’s all like, “If I told you bad things will happen, will you still use it?” and he’s all like, “You know why I want it,” and she turns round the Death card. Oh, THAT is what you might use a RESURRECTION GLOVE for! She must have real occult power to work that out. As an aside, why do TV shows always take tarot so bloody literally? If they bothered to do any research, they’d realise that Death doesn’t actually mean death, but they’re probably too busy surfing for alien porn. Oh, and it’s in St Mary’s Church. [What, the alien porn? - Carrie]

A church. We know it is St Mary’s because a big sign says so. Captain Jack has his trusty torch. The floor seems to be covered with sleeping weevils. They really ought to get pest control in. Captain Jack has to be extra stealthy. He makes it through, but I think he should concentrate more on where he’s going and less on glancing over his shoulder. Then he does very bad stealth whilst opening a big box full of old dolls. D’oh! It’s a bit like the Crystal Maze. Uh-oh, he’s woken the weevils. You’ve only got 30 seconds, Captain Jack – get out! Get out! Or it’ll be an automatic lock-in and a mauling even he might struggle to recover from. He grabs the box and legs it. [Dear Torchwood, please never force me to sit through an entire scene of Barrowman wordlessly hamming it up ever again. Cordially yours, Steven.]

Captain Jack returns to Torchwood Three with the box. There’s an alarm going off, but I’m not sure why. I’m pretty sure there isn’t an alarm that goes off every time Captain Jack enters the building, although, on reflection, there probably should be. What’s in the box? OMGZ, it’s the resurrection glove! I bet NOBODY was predicting that. Mainly because it seems like such a terrible idea, going on its past form, so inevitably it had to be Plan A. Captain Jack: “I’m using the glove. I’m bringing Owen back.”

Titles!

Gwen, for a change, is acting sensible and cautions Captain Jack against using the glove because they can’t work it. Jack says it has to work for him and he’s not going to give it any choice – I think he’s saying the glove is his bitch. Yes, he really is going to resurrect Owen, if only for two minutes, so “If you’ve got anything to say to Owen, now’s your chance.” I can’t imagine there would be anything that urgent he needs to know before he dies. Again. Jack gets to work, pulling his best orgasm face, and the dialogue does nothing to help: “Owen, hear my voice... He’s coming!” Is that possible when you’re dead? Poor Ianto will probably have to clean it up later. Anyway, Owen wakes up, suitably confused, and Jack explains what’s going on and tells everyone to say their goodbyes. Tosh is all “I’m going to miss you and I love you - always have,” which: duh, and Owen is probably thinking, “You brought me back for that?” Then Captain Jack says he needs to know the code for the alien morgue, which is pretty shit information management on their part, and Owen is seriously offended that’s the only reason why he brought him back. Jack is all like, “I know what death is because IT IS LIKE I AM DEAD and I want you to be ready.” Owen mutters something about darkness and Captain Jack tells him to “Be brave”. Then Owen is dead again. Violin music swells. I guess he must be really dead this time. Captain Jack clutches his hand. Is anyone falling for this? Well, Ianto looks a bit teary. [It's kind of funny that Burn Gorman only looks fractionally more pallid than usual. - Steve] Then – OMGZ, he is NOT DEAD. Owen: “I’m really going to need that hand back.” Jack realises he has stopped using the glove, but Owen’s STILL ALIVE. He and Tosh exchange looks, and I’m sure she’s wishing she had made sure he was going to be properly dead before she went shooting her mouth off like that. Owen thinks maybe he wasn’t meant to die and is being kept alive. “Somebody pass me my pants.” Behind them, the glove is twitching. That can’t be good, can it?

Owen, because although he is DEAD, he is still A DOCTOR, is examining himself and discovers he has no heartbeat or pulse. Martha tells him that he can’t lead the investigation because he’s the subject of it, and also because HE IS DEAD. Plus he isn’t wearing his white lab coat. Gwen says Suzie survived because she was draining energy from Gwen, so maybe Owen is draining energy from Jack, but Jack says he feels fine so it can’t be him.

Tosh tries scanning Owen with her handheld magic scanner of goodness, but doesn’t find anything. Ianto postulates that because this is a different glove, they don’t really know whether it works differently. Perhaps Captain Jack should have thought of that before he used it? Tosh is off to do an analysis of the glove. J: “Owen, I don’t need to tell you that you’re under quarantine.” Owen: “You don’t, and yet you still do.” Same snarky old Owen, then. [Not bloody surprised. Jack is a famous incompetent, whose one strength lies in not BEING DEAD. Owen may be an amoral mind-rapist, but at least he's a DOCTOR and serves a purpose. - Carrie]

Gwen calls Rhys, rudely waking him up just because she’s upset, and he teases her about never coming home, and she cries down the phone at him. Now Rhys is all worried, and all she says is “Tough day.” Poor Rhys.

Owen tells Martha she’s kind of cute when she frowns. She gives him some kind of monitoring bracelet. Owen is concerned about the logistics of flirting now he is DEAD and whether it’s “still necrophilia if I’m conscious”. Ewww. [But it's fine with the object of HIS affections is the one who's unconscious. - Steve] Martha wants to know what it’s like to die. Owen is reluctant to tell her because he doesn’t think the living should know. Martha demands that he tells her, but he makes up some stuff about rushing towards the light and pearly gates. Martha calls him an idiot. Owen ‘fesses up that there was nothing, but Suzie said that there was something beyond life, something in the darkness. Suddenly Owen collapses – oh noez!

Owen is in a dark and wibbly place. It might be what it feels like to be on psychotropic drugs and trapped in a nutshell. [It's also like that terrible, terrible episode of Charmed where Kaley Cuoco runs past some anthropomorphised playing cards whilst trying to act "scared". Thanks for reminding me of that, Torchwood. - Steve] Then, just as suddenly, he’s back in Torchwood and tells Martha about the darkness and that there was something waiting for him. Then he clings to Captain Jack and cries like a girl. For fuck’s sake, Owen, I know you’re dead but have some dignity, man!

Torchwood Situation Room. Martha explains that Owen’s cells are not decaying but changing into an energy she can’t identify. Gwen asks whether the energy in the glove came from “the same dark place” as Owen went when he collapsed. Jack asks Owen where he thinks he went, thereby trumping Gwen for the stupidest question of the episode, because if he knew that, they wouldn’t be sitting around brainstorming it.

Meanwhile, Tosh is concerned about damage control. “What I said before - I thought you were dying.” Owen says he knows she didn’t mean it, which: just how clueless is he? He says it’s not love, just grief. Tosh is about to correct him, but Owen says he’s going to the toilet.

Oh dear, Owen’s back in the dark and wibbly again, with additional scary voice. Now he’s back in Torchwood, but his eyes have turned black, which is never a good sign [unless he popped out for some laser eye surgery on the quiet - Steve], and he starts spouting some guttural growly language. It might be Welsh. Hmmm, do we think he’ll mention this to the others?

Martha has been monitoring Owen, and has noticed that his energy level went “off the scale”. Tosh says he went to the loo, and Martha points out that his digestive system has shut down so he wouldn’t need the loo. Jack reassures everyone that Owen isn’t dangerous. Martha gets all haughty and wants to know why Jack didn’t mention to UNIT that they discovered something with the power to bring people back to life, then points out that Owen is currently only 50 per cent human, and that 50 per cent is DEAD, and they need to stop thinking of him as Owen.

Owen seems to be in some kind of music video. No, wait, it’s Cardiff city centre. There are bright lights. He’s gone clubbing, so whatever it is that’s taking him over must be, like, really evil. When you’re dead, what better to do than go out drinking Guinness? Especially when your digestive system has shut down. A woman dressed as an angel, so presumably on a hen night, comes up to flirt with Owen at the bar, but her choice of chat-up line is poor: “Smile, it won’t kill you!” This is followed by the incredibly subtle, “You’re gorgeous, you are.” Owen comes over all manly and snogs her. She reaches into his pants, only to be disappointed. Welsh slapper: “Don’t you like me?” Hasn’t she heard of foreplay? Owen realises that no blood is pumping round his body, meaning even all the Viagra in the world will be no good to him now. Captain Jack turns up. Owen is all, like, “How’d you find me?” He seems to have forgotten his tracking bracelet. He’s still sore about being brought back for an alarm code. Owen and Jack do a bit of girly shoving, then Owen tries to punch Jack but misses, then the bouncers step in and chuck them out. There are police waiting outside the club, so they were obviously expecting trouble. Owen tries to tell them he’s “special ops”, and Jack does his best drunk normal person impression, “Special needs, more like, huhuhuh.” They must have found some cops who haven’t actually heard of Torchwood.

A jail cell. Owen rails at the guards and kicks the door. Jack reminds him that he is DEAD and, “If you break your ankle, what are the chances it’ll knit back together?” Owen then realises the error of his ways, in that the alcohol won’t go anywhere because his digestive system isn’t working, forcing him to stand on him head in order to line up his oesophagus or something, and then he projectile vomits across the room. Jack: “That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen.” Insert your own joke here. Owen farts, just to gross him out a bit more, and then whines about all the things he can’t do now he’s dead. Jack: “Only in suffering do we recognise beauty.” O: “Who said that? Jack: “Proust.” Owen: “You’ve read Proust?” Jack: “Yes. Well, no... we dated for a while. He’s really immature.” Owen: “No one takes you seriously when you say those things.” I don’t think anyone takes him seriously anyway, to be honest. Jack: “When you’ve lived as long as I have, you don’t make it up.” Owen whinges some more about how it’s not fair that Jack will live forever, but Jack reckons forever is overrated because you get blasé about life and you send your friends into danger knowing they might get killed while you walk away unscathed. Owen asks why Jack wanted to bring him back - guilt? Jack: “No... I wasn’t ready to give up on you. I guess I was hoping for a miracle. I still am.” Bleurgh. Captain Jack decides they’re done with their male bonding session, “Let’s go home.” Then he bangs on the door and starts spouting his Torchwood authorisation. So how come the police are going to listen to him now, when they completely ignored Owen before?

Meanwhile, back in Torchwood Three. Deputy Chief Gwen tells the others that Jack has called in, he’s found Owen and they’re coming back. Tosh asks if Owen is himself, then reveals that in a moment of stalkerish madness, she wanted to know why Owen left, so she checked the CCTV. Lucky he was right in front of a camera when he had his crazy schizo episode, eh?

Outside the police station, Jack and Owen are being stalked by weevils. Lots of weevils. How come Torchwood keep one pet weevil locked in the basement, but aren’t bothered by hordes of them roaming around Cardiff? I’m just asking. Jack thinks the weevils are after him because he stole the glove from them, and they run away. Into a car park. Is it just me, or does a lot of Torchwood’s action take place in car parks? Having escaped from immediate danger (although whether a man who can’t die and a man who is dead are actually in danger is debatable), they stand around a bit. Jack tells Owen to “Stay here.” Owen looks alert. Jack looks around a bit. He sees a weevil. Now there are many weevils. They run off again, up to the roof of the car park. Is that the same car park where Captain John materialised? Anyway, perhaps running down instead of up would have been a good idea, because now the weevils have cornered them on the roof. [Fear not, kids, because Jack is good on roofs. - Carrie] Jack tells Owen to go behind him and whips out his weapon. [NOT LIKE THAT. God. - Steve] Just as he’s wondering whether he brought enough bullets, the weevils all start grovelling. Jack probably thinks they’re worshipping him, but it’s Owen – he’s turned mental again. Captain Jack looks worried.

Back at Torchwood, Tosh has realised it might help to know what Owen was saying, so Ianto gets the Alien Translaty Thing of Greatness out of the vault. The words translate as: “I shall walk the earth and my hunger will know no bounds.” Gwen: “I’ve got a really bad feeling about this.” Jack: “You don’t know the half of it.” They are back unscathed, it seems.

Down in the dungeon, Owen observes the pet weevil’s reaction to him. “King of the weevils. That ain’t good.” Gwen has been kind of useful and found the first ever pictures of the Grim Reaper in an article about the Black Death and reveals that the person who said those words was “Death himself”. Owen points out that he is DEAD, not Death, and there is a difference. Gwen asks whether the weevil knows that. She calls the weevil “he”, but I’m pretty sure in an earlier episode they said it was a girl weevil.

Torchwood Situation Room. Gwen explains that the picture she found is a wood carving from the 15^th century, from a small parish called St James. They built a wall around the town to keep the plague out, but it didn’t stop a little girl dying. I’m not an expert on the Black Death or anything, but I thought it was highly contagious and the chance of just one person catching it was pretty slim, but what do I know? Anyhoo, the parish priest performed a miracle (which nobody seems to bat an eyelid at) and brought the girl back to life – the only trouble is she brought Death with her and he walked amongst them. Tosh is appropriately sceptical about Gwen having done research, and asks if they are “seriously going to act on something she’s Googled?” Hee. Putting all the pieces together – because they need to spell it out – the name of the church was St Mary’s, which was the church where Jack got the glove, and the Parish of St James became Cardiff. 12 people died before, but Death needed 13 souls to get a permanent hold on Earth, but they only know that what stopped death was “faith”.

Martha is worried that the energy is making Owen a host. Owen realises that the monster wasn’t waiting in the dark for him – it’s “trying to get here through me”. An alarm goes off. It’s Owen’s bracelet. It’s at 80%. Owen is worried about turning out to be a monster. Jack reminds him that, “Even if we have to fight you, you’re already dead.” Not sure how that helps. Owen is determined to take positive action by embalming himself with formaldehyde, thereby petrifying his neural pathways and freeze-drying his brain – “It’s the only way to be sure.” I must observe that Owen’s not looking very corpse-like. Suzie looked awful when she was brought back from the dead. [Awful in a FIERCE way, obviously. - Steve]

Owen is preparing for his selfless sacrifice. Gwen asks him whether he’s sure about it. Owen replies that formaldehyde is full of carcinogens, but he doesn’t really need to worry about that. “I can’t sleep, drink or shag – three of my favourite things.” Gwen gives him a hug. Owen whispers that he “came back different... hollow, like I’m missing something. I do not want to be like this.” A single tear runs down Gwen’s cheek. Owen: “I’m ready.” They nod cursorily at each other.

Owen walks nostalgically through Torchwood to the autopsy room. Ianto looks respectful. Martha says the level is at 95%, so Owen says, “Let’s not waste any more time. No goodbyes.” Martha turns to get her syringes and sees the glove moving. It flies at her, but with Gwen’s help she manages to climb out of the autopsy pit. Jack tells Owen not to move and everyone else spreads out. Ianto wields an hockey stick, and Jack looks at him like, “What the hell are you going to do with that?!” Martha thinks the glove went under a cabinet. Everyone looks tense. Martha stupidly leans over the railng to look, and the glove jumps up on to Martha’s face in a definite Alien facehugger tribute/rip-off. How the glove propelled itself is anyone’s guess. Martha’s hand has gone all wrinkly. They might have to send Ianto out for emergency Oil of Olay supplies. Owen traps the glove under his foot and demands Jack’s gun. Jack throws it to him. I think Team Torchwood may need some firearms safety training. Owen blasts the glove into a million pieces. Gwen is all, “Oh my God. Martha!” The glove seems to have aged her. Their old-age make-up is as good as it was in the last series of Doctor Who, ie absolutely terrible. [It took me literally till the second time of watching it to actually work out that she was supposed to look old. - Carrie] [I thought it had turned her part-Weevil. - Steve] The team turn to Owen for help, because he is a DOCTOR, but he has turned all demonic again. Then black smoke starts coming out of his head and forms a big smoky monster shape and leaps at the camera.

Jack wakes up outside the hospital. Team Torchwood are inside. Owen is looking a bit the worse for wear. Gwen is all, “Police officer!” (I though Torchwood were beyond the police? “I need a medic now!” I’m not sure how they’re expecting the medical staff to cure Martha of premature old age. The smoky Death monster is roaming free. A nurse comes along and Gwen feeds her some crap about them all being Martha’s neighbours. She’s dehydrated and, erm, something about her blood cell count, and it’s all putting great strain on heart. The nurse guesses that she must be about 80 and isn’t very optimistic, but Gwen asks her to do what she can.

Martha, looking at herself in the mirror, croaks that, “It must be death because it’s stolen my life.” Gwen is more bothered about working out how Death was stopped the last time after killed only 12 people, and what the whole faith thing is all about. Captain Jack tells Ianto they need answers, and he whips out his laptop, which presumably has mobile internet. Is he allowed to use that in a hospital? Oh well, I expect Torchwood are beyond the NHS. Jack says he wants Owen back at the hub because he’s not safe, but Owen says he knows what it is – hunger. Jack looks out of the window to see weevils creeping towards the hospital – “It’s here.” Jack doesn’t think it followed them though – probably it just senses the near-dead. “If you were death, wouldn’t you target a hospital?” [I'd target Gwen, first and foremost. - Steve]

In another ward, smoky Death creeps along the floor and a middle-aged woman flatlines. She reaches for the panic button and misses, as it forms into a more traditional Grim Reaper skeleton-type shape.

Gwen and her loud mouth take charge, telling everyone that they need to evacuate the hospital, and broadcasting the fact that they work for Torchwood, in case anyone didn’t recognise them. Everyone leaves, except a child who is hiding in the toilet playing on his PSP and wearing headphones. He’s wearing a bandana, so he obviously has cancer. [And his PSP appears to be from 1980. - Steve] Jack tells Ianto to hack into the hospital communications system, but Ianto has already done it because he rules. Jack says they need to do a body count.

A nurse has noticed the missing boy, whose name is Jamie. She looks under the bed for him, but Death materialises behind her. The prognosis doesn’t look good.

Jack and Gwen are on the sixth floor counting fatalities. Their total comes to 8, meaning there are at least five to go. Jack realises that, “There are five of us.”

Tosh and Owen are on a separate floor. Tosh points out that even if they find Death, they have no idea what to do with it. Ianto says he’s trying to Google the phrase, “I shall walk the earth and my hunger will know no bounds”, but he keeps getting redirected to Weightwatchers. Owen says, “It’s here, I can feel it.” Tosh is creeped out. Owen says he’s “not exactly reassuring myself”.

Jamie is in an eerily orange-lit ward. He drops his PSP on the floor, and sees the dead nurse under the bed. Sensibly, he turns and runs. His survival skills are better than most of Team Torchwood. Gwen would probably hang around and try to talk Death out of killing. [Or shag it. - Carrie] All the doors in the hospital seem to be locked, even double swing doors that – let’s face it – are never locked. Death advances down the corridor. Owen appears from a side door that apparently wasn’t locked, so it’s a shame Jamie didn’t try that one. Owen rescues him.

Gwen reiterates that Death will be able to rule Earth forever if it gets 13 souls, which we know already! Now there are 12 dead and it only needs one more.

Tosh and Owen are trying to escape, but they can’t open the door. While Tosh tries to open the door with her Magic Toy of Doing All Things, Owen has a doctorly chat with Jamie, who has leukaemia, but his last lots of chemotherapy didn’t work. They’re making him have it again,but he doesn’t see the point because the cancer will come back and he’s going to die.

Ianto, with his wizzo interweb skillz, has finally discovered what they need to know –Faith is the name of the girl who was brought back to life. She stopped Death. Owen realises that it’s because she didn’t have anything to lose – she was already DEAD. Owen tells Jamie not to despair because the chemo didn’t work, because not everyone dies from leukaemia, and “the ones who make it are the ones who believe they can beat death, and sometimes you can. So watch and learn.” Jamie: “Watch what?” Owen: “Watch me beat death.” Tosh gets the door open, but Owen has come over all heroic. Tosh says she’s not leaving him to face it on his own. Owen says he knows what to do, and kisses Tosh. “You’re so going to hate me for this,” he says, displaying her gadget as the doors close, separating them, and then chucking it carelessly on the floor. Fuck’s sake, that’s delicate technology!

Death advances on Owen, and they engage in some manly hand-to-hand combat. Owen: “How long can you last here with only 12 victims? There’s nothing here for you. Owen Harper’s soul has left the building. There’s nobody here but us dead men.” Srsly, he should be a wrestler with smack talk like that. Tosh is like, “NOOOOOOO!” Owen is too busy fighting the smoky skeleton to notice. “What else have you got? What else do you do to the dead?” he growls. Jack and Gwen also arrive in time to bang uselessly on the glass. Try shooting it, duh. Owen: “Is that all you’ve got?” Oh, Jack and Gwen have managed to find another way in, but it’s too late. Death evaporates and Owen is left kneeling on the floor. The door opens, and Tosh rushes in to make sure Owen hasn’t damaged her toy.

Ianto, who always misses out on all the fun stuff, is all like, “Jack? Gwen? Anyone? WTF happened?” Then he doesn’t care because Martha is alright again.

Martha and Owen are being doctory. Owen apologises for getting Martha hurt, although personally I’m placing the blame squarely on the shoulders of Captain Jack. Martha replies that she’s more worried about Owen because he “soaked up a colossal amount of energy, but it’s dissipating now”. Owen: “That doesn’t sound good.” Martha says they don’t know anything about the energy’s properties – Owen could have 30 years to live or 30 minutes. Perhaps he will start raising money for charity like Jane Tomlinson.

Owen goes to see Jack, and tells him, “People died because you brought me back. We owe them, you and me. I’m still a doctor. Put me to work – see if we can’t even that score.” Jack: “We’ll see.” He ought to go and work in an emergency room – he’d save more lives there. [I didn't get this bit either. Do Owen's doctoring skills extend to raising the dead? I initially took it to mean that Owen wanted a transfer to working in proper medicine and Fighting Death on that front. - Carrie]

Tosh asks Captain Jack, “Did he really beat death? Jack replies that, “You can never escape death – it’s always in the shadows waiting.” Tosh: “So what now?”

Owen just stands there like a lemon. What kind of ending is that? [A shit one, but I really, really want to express my intense admiration for Burn Gorman this series. I think he's been amazing. - Carrie]

Next week – they think Owen’s fine – but they’re wrong. Owen takes advantage of being NOT DEAD. Perhaps he will enter The X Factor. Join us next week to find out!

The Apprentice: Martha

Episode 2.06 'Reset'
TX: 20th February 2008

Here we go, bitches. Miss Martha Jones [that's DOCTOR Martha Jones to you and Captain Jack - Carrie] comes to Torchwood. About fucking time.

Cardiff, of course. Torchwood, outside the government, beyond the police, and beyond tangible character development and rational plot continuity. The 21st century is where it all changes, maybe.

Night. Some kind of facility. A Weevil on the loose, being trailed by Owen and Tosh, lookin' fierce holding their torches right alongside their guns like kickass people do on TV. Owen sneaks up on the Weevil, it snarls at him and runs off. Owen finds a body where the Weevil was standing, and informs Tosh that it is dead. He is not wearing his doctor coat when doing this particular piece of doctoring, however, so I don't think it counts as an official medical diagnosis. Although if it did, it would be Diagnosis: Murder. Tee hee. And if you were expecting more sophisticated humour than that, why the hell are you reading a Torchwood recap blog in the first place?

ZOOM CARDIFF PR0N! Torchwood Three reception, with the ever-besuited Ianto on duty. An unseen person enters and Ianto tartly informs the person that they're closing, but the person holds up an ID card (which we only see the back of) which startles Ianto, who gestures the person into the lift [calling her 'Ma'am' as he does so. I LOVE IANTO - Carrie].

Hub. Jack identifies the victim from his papers as Meredith Roberts. Owen thinks the death is potentially non-Weevil related. Ianto informs them over the tannoy that the VIP visitor is here, to which Gwen retorts that she didn't realise they were having a visitor. Because everything that happens at Torchwood must be Gwen-approved, obviously. SHUT UP, GWEN. Jack waxes lyrical about the visitor, who is of course, Miss Martha Jones. Yay! Titles. Freema Agyeman is listed in them. Double yay!

Jack introduces Martha to the gang, and Martha wastes no time in pwning Owen by informing him that she's here to complete his post-mortem. Marry me, Martha! Jack says that Martha Jones is from UNIT. Gwen gets flustered, probably because she is very distressed at the idea of being usurped in everyone's affections by someone prettier and more competent, and asks Jack to explain who UNIT are. Jack explains it as UNIT being more professional and less ad hoc than Torchwood, but in all fairness even Pete Doherty is more professional and less ad hoc than Torchwood. Martha has identified a pattern in a series of recent deaths in South Wales, which are all being written off officially as suicides. Oh, wow. Obviously they can't have known this at the time of filming this episode, but such unfortunate topicality right here. Martha points out a puncture mark from a hypodermic needle on the body and informs Owen curtly that he'll find the bloodstream pumped full of ammonium hydroxide. And if Joel doesn't mind me repeating what he was saying to me earlier, this sort of behaviour would normally be utterly Mary Sue-ish, since Martha is pwning people left, right and centre within minutes of entering the building, but the difference here is that we know what she's capable of. We saw her living rough while travelling the globe undercover for a year to spread the word of the Doctor and save the world. She has earned the right to strut in and belittle whoever she likes. Unlike some people, Gwen.

Tosh gets her hacker on and starts searching the NHS database for Meredith's records, only to find they've been wiped - allegedly by a crash on the NHS servers, but Tosh notes that it's all been erased too cleanly and thoroughly to have been accidental. There's also the fact that the exact same thing happened to all of the victims with similar symptoms that Martha discovered at UNIT.

Jack and Martha have a catch-up. Martha's family is better after their ordeal, and she's pleased to see Jack. Jack flirts. Martha has grown as a person and says she doesn't miss the Doctor. Except maybe a bit, but she made her choice and is sticking to it. Good girl! She's now a qualified medical officer, and possibly [indubitably - Carrie] outranks Jack, which is awesome. Whip these bitches into shape, Martha! Except on this show, the writers would probably take that literally. It turns out that Martha got the UNIT job having been recommended by "an impeccable source", which Martha and Jack take to be The Doctor. Which sort of sucks, given that this was supposed to be about Martha asserting her independence and not being a Gallifreyan's lackey, but Jack suggests that the Doctor probably thought he owed Martha a favour, which is sort of sweet, I guess. Jack adds that they all do - awww. Jack asks for a red cap for Ianto. Dirty!

Gwen drills Martha for dirt on Jack, of course. Martha describes her time with Jack as "intense", which Gwen, who never met a man she didn't want to boff there and then, takes to the dirty place, of course. (In a furious and wounded way, that someone would dare fuck Jack, despite the fact that she's engaged and he's dating Ianto. Let it go, you hag.-Joel) Skank. Martha asks if Gwen is shagging Jack, which Gwen denies [not for the want of trying, though - Carrie]. "We must be the only two people on the planet," declares Martha. Hee!

Martha looks around Torchwood some more (can some plot happen now, please?) and eyes up some alien salvage which Owen claims focuses energy on a fixed point without harming anything that gets in the way, and attempts to scorch a piece of paper without harming the cup that holds it. (I have never in my life seen such an obvious Chekhov's gun in my whole life.-Joel) Unfortunately, he succeeds only in blowing up a piece of equipment perilously close to a passing Ianto, who screams and lobs a trayful of snack into the air before shooting Owen a positively murderous glance. Hee! Ianto informs Jack that there's been another attack following the pattern, only this time on a woman who survived is currently in hospital. DUN DUN DUN!

And the woman is none other than Jan Anderson of Tiger Bay and Casualty fame, whee! Marie (for it is she) is quizzed by Torchwood about her assailant, but doesn't know anything other than the fact that he had a big needle. Marie's dog bit him, and she kicked him in the nuts. Cool. Medical porn to the soundtrack of the Gorillaz, as Owen and Martha don their doctors' coats and do important sciency things. Martha notes that ammonium hydroxide is a weird way to kill someone, and hypothesises that the purpose was not just to kill, but to eliminate evidence in the bloodstream. [Yeah, I'm not sure the science here is all that sound. AGAIN. - Carrie] (Given that bleach won't even clean blood out of the grout if you've got some Luminol, I sincerely doubt it can actually clean blood itself.-Joel)

Torchwood team huddle: Martha announces that the motive of the attacks is to destroy all trace of the victims' medical condition, whatever it may be. The team are assigned jobs - Gwen and Ianto on the criminal investigation, Martha and Owen on medical matters [for they ARE DOCTORS - Carrie], and Tosh will endeavour to recover the medical records, though she frets that the procedures involved in doing so are illegal. I thought Torchwood was outside the government? Doesn't that give them carte blanche on this sort of thing?

Tosh tells Ianto that the police have found another body in Heath Park. Daytime Cardiff pr0n as the Obviousmobile transports them there to find student Barry Leonard, apparently died of toxic shock (I honestly thought that was only what you got from tampons.) but of course we know better.

Back at the hub, Martha points out that the attacks are pointed, not random, and border on assassination. Gwen wonders who would assassinate a student, and Martha guesses (jokingly, I hope) the Student Loans Company, which is totally dumb because then they'd have to write off the debt, so let's just pretend it was Gwen who said that. Deal? Okay, great. They vow to keep looking, but a call comes in from Ianto to say that the hospital has reported Marie having some kind of seizure. Owen thinks it's this strange enzyme they've found in her blood, which neither he nor Martha recognises. Looking over her records, they realise there is absolutely nothing wrong with Marie - indeed, she's so normal, she's abnormal.

At the hospital, Owen asks Marie what's been happening to her. Marie doesn't know. Meanwhile, Gwen and Ianto quiz Barry's best friend [who is quite cute, and also too old to be a student wearing studenty clothes - Carrie], and alarm bells start to ring when Friend casually mentions that time that Barry's diabetes got cured. Gwen asks who performed the miracle cure, but Friend does not know this, only that Barry suddenly had a lot of money. Ianto reports the news to Owen. Owen asks Marie if she had anything seriously wrong with her (although he phrases it a tad more tactfully than I just did), and Marie says that she used to have HIV, until it was cured by the Reset. "Buh?" reply Martha and Owen. Marie starts to cough violently, but has time to say that she got it from The Pharm - a medical research centre. Marie says that she was paid a lot of money to test it, but that she had to keep quiet as it was part of the contract. And then she dies. Sucks to be her, I guess. And then stuff comes shooting out of her mouth. No, seriously. It's maybe magic dust, or bees, or something? Oh, here we go: Owen captures one on his finger and they deduce that it's an alien larva that incubates in human bodies. Say it with me now: ew. It left her body when she died, looking for a new host, but died before it could infect Martha or Owen. Or disinfect them, perhaps. Martha wonders what the cute little bug grows up to be. I'm guessing she really doesn't want to know. (I don't think enzymes turn into dragonflies. Course, I'm not a doctor like Owen, but...-Joel)

Owen does a PowerPoint presentation to the team, and likens the drug to a virus scan on a computer. It's the greatest medical discovery in history, except for the whole part where it involves an alien parasite. Jack asks who runs The Pharm, and Ianto says that the public face is innocent enough. Much like Ianto himself, really. Tosh notes that their IT systems are far more sophisticated than they need to be, which: well, the laptop I'm writing this on now is far more sophisticated than I actually need it to be, but that doesn't mean I'm an evil alien druglord. OR DOES IT? But basically this means they have the ability to delete medical records, as we saw earlier. The head honcho is Dr Aaron Copley, or Jim Robinson to the rest of us. [Hooray! - Carrie] Owen is aware of Dr Jim's reputation; he's outstanding in his field, much like a scarecrow. Thank you, I'll be here all week! Jack perves on him, because really, what else can Jack do?

They arrive at The Pharm, and Jack says "Torchwood" to the security guard, because they're the secret agency that everyone knows about. Dr Jim apologises for them having a wasted journey, and denies all knowledge of ever having met them. He also informs Jack curtly that he's a Professor, not a Doctor. Sorry, Professor Jim. When Professor Jim denies all knowledge of the alien virus, Owen engages Suckup Mode 2 and mentions how helpful Professor Jim's works on immunology were when he was writing his MD thesis. Get you, Molly Mortarboard. The upshot of this being that if there were such a drug that acted like a giant reset button on the immune system, Professor Jim would know about it. Professor Jim agrees that he would, but specifies that no such drug exists. "I had a boyfriend whose nostrils flared when he was lying," Jack muses. Professor Jim invites them to kindly fuck off, unless they want the PR tour. Jack tries to be menacing. Jack fails. [Epicly. - Carrie]

So Jack and Owen go outside into the van, and do some kind of scan that tells them there are a lot of alien life forms in the building. Um, yay?

Tosh is still having trouble retrieving the medical records without letting them know she's onto them (don't know why she's so concerned, when Jack just blustered in there with all the subtlety of a hippopotamus having a wank, but there you go). Ianto's research reveals that they're looking for research subjects, so Martha volunteers herself and her mad doctor skillz to go undercover and investigate. Owen is not keen on the idea, and says as much to Jack in private. Jack's all, "she can totally do it. I'd rely on Martha if the world was ending. OH WAIT I DID."

Ianto shows Martha the plans of the building. There are buildings at the rear which are of restricted security, and Martha is not to go near them. Martha calls Ianto a spoilsport. Martha needs to get access to the IT system and close the firewalls so Tosh can hack in, and then get the hell outta Dodge. Martha mentions the UNIT cap thing to Ianto, who blushes. Martha enquires as to the precise nature of their relationship, and pulls what I have referred to ever since as the "blowjobs, yes?" face. It is awesome. Ianto tells her Jack's "dabbling" is "innovative, bordering on the avant garde". Too much information, thanks.

Martha will be undercover as Samantha Jones, and wearing creepy contact lenses that also serve as a camera and allow Tosh to send text messages that obstruct Martha's field of vision. I can't wait until Martha's at a crucial point in her mission only to be distracted by "ZOMG JACK GOT HIS COK OUT AGEN LOLZ" appearing in her peripheral vision. There's a lot of technobabble here which I shan't bother to transcribe, but let's just summarise: we will see what she sees, hear what she hears.

In the lab, "Samantha" is playing the role of a traveller and being quizzed about precisely where she's been, to check for viruses. Martha almost drops her cover by telling the...nurse? Doctor? Clinical researchologist? that she's very aware of medical issues. Tosh frantically texts her with "!", like duh, and Martha blags that her mum's a nurse. Professor Jim comes in, and Martha tells him she's a creative writing postgrad in desperate need of cash. Professor Jim tells her they have a lot of applicants, and Jack tells Tosh to tell her not to lose him, so Martha thinks quick and tells Professor Jim that she had a hepatitis infection.(I would have loved to see Gwen try and lie her way out of this. She'd just offer a blowjob and a Retcon pill.-Joel) Owen clarifies for the three-toed sloths watching the programme that Martha does not REALLY have hepatitis, this is just her way in. Professor Jim tells her this changes things, and asks her if she's available to start right now. Again, Owen clarifies for stillborn foetuses in the audience that this mean's Martha's in, like WE KNOW, and this causes Jack to namedrop Christopher Isherwood for the second time this evening, for reasons that are completely beyond me. Perhaps because Torchwood has literary aspirations, in which case I'd say acquire a basic grasp of continuity before getting ideas above your station, eh? [I utterly missed this. Will have to watch it again. - Carrie]

Night at Torchwood. Tosh brings Owen some coffee, and remarks on how beautiful Martha is, and how she is also a doctor, because Tosh is afraid that Martha is Owen's perfect woman, apparently unaware of my vow that if Owen goes anywhere near my beloved Martha with his dirty rapist penis I will cover him in barbeque sauce and feed him to Myfanwy. Owen says that Martha is not interested in him, and also thinks that Jack will kneecap him if he tries anything anyway. Jack will have to GET IN LINE, bucko. In a belated attempt at continuity, Owen asks Tosh what happened to the pool tournament she was organising back in 'Meat', and Tosh finally grows a pair and explains that it wasn't a tournament, she was asking him out on a date. Owen asks if she still wants that, and Tosh replies in the affirmative. Then, Owen takes her up on the date. No, seriously. Tosh, of course, thinks he's taking the piss, but Owen is sincere: one date, and they'll see where it goes, which may be nowhere. Tosh is fine with that. Owen clarifies that he's still allowed to flirt. Tosh agrees, and then runs off to write the best Dear Diary entry EVAR.

Back to Martha at Professor Jim's House of Dubious Alien Parasites, snooping around some corridors. Owen texts "BE CAREFUL", which: duh, (Srsly. LEFT FOOT RIGHT FOOT MARTHA.) and Martha walks along some more corridor. Tense music plays. Martha finds a locked door. Tosh uses Applied Phlebotinum to hack the door open, but oh noes, security people are coming. Quickly, Tosh, quickly! It scrolls down digit by digit in that way that password-unlocking programs only ever do on TV rather than just giving you the damn answer all in one go, but Martha escapes just in time, of course.

In the office, Martha finds a computer, and Tosh gains remote access to it. IT's not very exciting to watch. The parasite is called the Mayfly, and it is apparently beautiful but lethal. Just like Ianto, I'm guessing. Now that they have access to all of the top secret data, Jack tells Martha to GTFO. Gwen looks thoughtfully at a computer screen, for all the world like she has a clue. Nice try, Gwen, but you're not fooling me. Martha is attempting to sneak back to her quarters when an alarm goes off, signalling a breakout in sector A, which I'm guessing is that huge restricted section at the rear. Fnar. Owen texts Martha to get to safety, and Martha climbs out of a window. Gwen locates the subject data on the computer, and confirms that Meredith, Billy and Marie were all there. Didn't we know that anyway? She also happens upon the record of The Pharm's hitman, which is conveniently lying around in the same place. Damn those villains and their illogical filing methods! She also finds the records of an Elin Morgan, who has not yet been reported missing or dead. But for how long?

Martha tries to break out, but has to hide when the security squad come running to the gate. Owen points out that The Pharm hires hitmen and would have no qualms about bumping off teh Martha, and Jack's suddenly all "yeah, and I put her in there." Nice time to worry about that now, fathead.

Something is creeping up behind Martha, and then a radiation surge causes Torchwood to lose the signal from her magick contact lenses. Rather stupidly, this apparently causes Martha immediate pain and she has to take the lenses out. Nice work, Team Torchwood. Temporarily Incapacitating Contact Lenses. Just what every girl needs when surrounded by murderous biotechnicians. Anyway, Martha is on her knees when a giant mayfly swoops around the corner. She runs and hides behind some bins, but is shot by a tranquiliser dart intended for the fly. Doh!

Ianto and Gwen are in the Obviousmobile. They're tracing Billy Davis's (he's the chief hitman) mobile on the GPS, and he's three minutes away from Elin Morgan's flat. Ianto floors it.

Elin's flat. Billy enters with a big needle. He's about to inject her IN THE EYE EW EW EW when Gwen bursts in guns ablaze, and Ianto stuns him. [Too. Many. Jokes. But I do love when my Ianto does stun-gunning. - Carrie] (Word. I just want a show where Martha calls someone a twat and then Ianto stuns them.-Joel)

The Pharm. Martha is strapped to a lab table in a crucifixion-style position. Kind of like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way. Martha snits that she's a clinical volunteer and they can't do this to her, but Professor Jim has other ideas. He knows she lied to her. Martha pretends not to know about Torchwood. Professor Jim informs her that "Torchwood is irrelevant to us", which: hee!, and adds that really they've done him a favour. He says that they've analysed her test results, and she really is something special. Ooer.

Torchwood Three. Billy Davis is tied to a chair at Owen's mercy. I smell a rapin' in the offing! Bily won't talk so Jack sets the Weevil on him. Billy agrees to talk so Ianto pepper sprays the Weevil. Billy tells us what we basically already know - that the subjects were going to die anyway, so he had to get them before they displayed any weird symptoms in public.

The Pharm. Professor Jim tells "Samantha" that her lymphocytes are very special indeed, and unlike any human ones he's ever seen - more like alien ones, he thinks. The Researchologist tells Martha her lymphocytes "and God knows what other cells" have mutated from radiation not found on Earth. Professor Jim says that he's dealt with aliens before, but never anything as exotic as her - a human being who has travelled in time and space. He asks her how it's possible, what she saw. Martha plays dumb. Professor Jim is not discouraged - he's developing a revolutionary drug that can cure anything, and he'd like to see how it reacts to Martha's mutant lymphocytes. Martha is understandably unkeen about taking the drugs, but of course she volunteered, didn't she? Uh oh.

Torchwood Three. Jack tells Billy they're going into the Pharm and they need him to make it happen. Billy starts to cough up blood. Jack informs Owen that they need Billy alive, which is approximately the 56th line of utterly redundant and obvious dialogue so far this episode. Owen points the alien artifact from earlier at Billy, saying he's sure he's got it right this time. He homes in on the alien parasite inside Billy, and...Billy's guts explode everywhere. So much for certainty. Owen deduces that Billy must have breathed in one of the larvae when one of his victims died, and has a little "there but for the grace of God go I, or Martha" moment.

Down on The Pharm, Martha has been given twice the critical dose of Reset, and is fitting moderately. Researchologist has an attack of conscience, but Professor Jim tells her to keep her nerve.

Torchwood Three. Tosh has an idea of how they can use Billy's erupted corpse to get access to the Pharm. Ianto calls her "warped on the inside". Hee.

The genius plan basically involves Tosh driving the Obviousmobile remotely from the back, while Billy's Probably Rotting Corpse sits up the front like a Victorian sideshow. We do not discover what they would have done if the man at the gate had spoken to him in any way and required some sort of answer, but perhaps Tosh knew that the guard doesn't have his Equity card yet. (I would have loved to see Tosh throwing her voice.-Joel)Inside, Jack sends Tosh, Gwen and Ianto to investigate Zone A while he and Owen go after Martha.

And they find her in record time! Wow, Torchwood are awesome. Jack asks Professor Jim precisely what the fuck he is doing to Martha, and Professor Jim says, in wonder, that she's the only subject to survive past the larval stage. The insects practice sibling cannibalism until only the strongest one is left. Oh, just like Iant...no, wait, that's not going to work this time. Owen does doctory things with his white coat mysteriously absent to try to save Martha.

Meanwhile, Tosh, Ianto and Gwen are in Zone A. Researchologist is here, doing something shifty. Gwen pounces on her, and Tosh finds something disturbing in a giant glass case.

In the lab, Owen thinks Martha is dying. And that's it.

Back in Zone A, the creature in the glass case is a Weevil, which is being farmed for pesticides. No, seriously. (They're all, 'It is Unethikul to farm teh w33v1lz!', but apparently keeping one on a length of chain to menace prisoners with and then pepper-srpaying it in the face is happy weevil fun time.-Joel) The Researchologist says that the Weevil isn't what will get them "the Nobel", which is the point at which you know she's totally batshit, and points them towards a giant mayfly in a case, which looks pretty sickly. Ianto touches his ear, much like Phillip Schofield and reports back to Jack. Gwen looks on kindly at the mayfly. She's probably thinking about shagging it.

In the lab, Jack orders a total shutdown of the centre, and basically calls Professor Jim a murderer. Professor Jim defends his work on the grounds that all of the people who died would've died anyway if they hadn't taken part in the programme, so the world's win/loss ledger essentially remains unaffected, or something. Jack says again that he's going to close the place down, and Professor Jim's all "you and what army, boyo?" and Jack's all "no army, just my 1337 c0mput0r skillz!" Professor Jim denounces him for cyber-terrorism [Alan Dale actually delivers that ridiculous line with some semblance of conviction - Carrie], and Jack blathers on about tripping the fuses of somesuch and flooding half the centre with inert gases and other vaguely chemically menacing phrases like that. Professor Jim protests that they're on the same side. Jack is well up on his high horse by this stage and claims it is in fact not so. Martha is fitting quite severely at this point, so Owen pulls out the alien MacGuffin to try to fry her parasites without turning her insides out this time. Of course, this time it works, because Freema Agyeman is contracted for another two episodes and due back on the Tardis in season four. Mission accomplished!

Team Torchwood evacuates the farm, and Tosh is sealing its fate on her laptop, presumably. Owen prescribes rest for Martha [goodness, it was worth all that work on his MD thesis with that kind of diagnostic skill - Carrie] and flirts with her a bit, and Martha tells him she has a boyfriend. Gwen escorts the Researchologist out at gunpoint. Tosh shuts down the facility remotely, and some aliens scream in their death throes. And then suddenly there is Unexpected Jim, who appears with a gun, asking if they really thought they'd get away with it that easily. I'm guessing the answer to that question is "yes". Owen stands in front of Martha with his hands in the air and tells Professor Jim not to be so stupid. Professor Jim shoots Owen in the chest. He then stands there idly for a bit, telling Martha that she's next, because it says in the script that he should do this rather than just shooting her there and then as any sentient villain would do. This, of course, gives Jack a chance to put a bullet through Professor Jim's brain. [Nooooooooo! - Carrie] Everyone rushes to Owen's aid. Martha does medical things to him, but it's all for naught: Owen expires right there on the floor. So much for Tosh's happy ending. Gwen looks very sad, possibly because this is not all about her. The camera pans up, up, and away.

Next week: Owen is on a slab, and Martha is doing his autopsy. There's some kind of alien smoke monster, and maybe the Grim Reaper. See you then!

Would you Adam and Eve (Myles) it?

Episode 2.05 'Adam'
Tx: 13th February 2008

Blah. It’s the 21st century. It’s when everything changes and Torchwood is there to mess things up and have sex with aliens.

Gwen and Rhys have sexy giggle fun on the bed and he tells her to go to work. She says coming home to him is the best bit of going to work. [And there was me thinking she preferred having sex with Owen and attempting to glance meaningfully at Jack and being rude to police officers and getting off with aliens. - Carrie]

Torchwood-under-Cardiff. It’s time to do an audit of the unlabelled class D artefacts. Some fat ginger slob says he likes audit time and shoehorns in the fact that he’s been there three years. Gwen comes in and says, ‘Who the hell is this?’ This so called 'Adam' says ‘just cos I said that to you on your first day’ and touches her shoulder. We get lots of flashes of memory of Gwen and ‘Adam’ hanging out with each other. Gwen hugs him and says she couldn’t resist the joke. Tosh is looking good. Very boobsy.

‘Adam Smith’ is creating his own personnel file. Tosh asks what he’s doing in the staff files and he says nothing - he’s working on the rift activity. She asks when this gold box she’s holding came through. 'Adam' touches Tosh and gives her sexy time memories of the two of them. He’s all, ‘a year ago today’ and she’s all ‘you remembered’. I’m all, NO MORE MIND RAPE. Owen sees them, and is all ‘hef hef, kissing at work, hardly appropriate.’ Owen is geeky and shy now, by the way. We can tell this because he is wearing GLASSES. [Lopsided glasses, no less. This show may be many things, but subtle is not one of them. - Steve]

Down in the cells, Jack yells at a weevil. Then sees a kid in a cell. We get the shot of someone’s hand slipping out of another, from when Captain John said ‘I found Gray’. The kid isn’t there when Jack looks again. Gwen comes down and slaps his arse. They playfight and stuff.

Upstairs, Tosh says three days ago there was rift activity but nothing came through. ‘Except me,’ says Owen, and wiggles a screen cleaner mouse toy at Tosh. She says she doesn’t need a rodent watching her while she works, and then says she’ll call it Owen, trampling on her own joke because Torchwood doesn’t trust its audience to get any form of subtlety. [Told you so. - Steve] They talk about how Owen is a pussy.

Gwen goes home. Rhys hugs her from behind. She’s all ‘Who the bloody hell are you then, boyo?’ and wields a knife at him and then calls Jack, all hayulp hayulp there’s a stranger in my house. She points her gun at Rhys and says, ‘You have picked the wrong girl to stalk, mate.’ Rhys is understandably freaked out. [Poor Rhys. He really is the most put-upon fiance in history. - Carrie]

Jack and ‘Adam’ come a-running. Jack says, ‘What’s going on?’ Gwen says there’s a creepy stranger in her house and he’s put photos up! Of the two them! Together! He’s deluded! Jack’s like, it’s Rhys, you retard. Rhys yells at Jack about memory-wiping pills, given that he knows they’ve got them at Torchwood. Although he doesn’t remember the first time that Gwen mind-raped him with that because she felt guilty about sleeping with another man and then telling him about it, and she chose not to give it to him the second time her boss told her to mind-rape her fiancé so he’d forget them. Gosh he’s lucky to have her. Point being, he shouldn’t know about the Retcon pills because they, erm, make you forget. Rhys is like, ‘We’re engaged! You’re wearing my ring!’ She looks at her finger. ‘Adam’ says Gwen should come to the hub and they’ll sort everything out, while Jack stays with Rhys. Gwen says she’ll kill Rhys if he comes after her. Jack says to Rhys they’ll sort it out.

Owen checks her out and finds nothing to show why her memory is missing. We also know he’s a geek because he’s doing doctoring without his LABCOAT, so it clearly comes more naturally. [I am unconvinced he was doing doctoring, if he did not have his WHITE DOCTOR COAT on. - Carrie] ‘Adam’ looks pensive.

Jack films on his mobile. Apparently there are no alien cameras amidst all the exciting alien tech. Rhys talks about when they met etc. Gwen calls him ‘Rhys the Rant’ when he gets stroppy and so on. ‘Adam’ and Gwen watch Rhys on a screen. ‘Adam’ asks if she remembers it but Gwen can’t remember how she felt when these things happened even though the events sound familiar. Adam touches her head. Rhys says he’s going to marry Gwen even if it kills him. Which it probably will. She’ll get, like, intergalactic clap from some alien she fucks and give it to him.

Tosh asks Owen about the big gold box. He hasn’t opened it yet. He’s brought sandwiches. Like Tosh last week! How in-depth and continuity-full. He got her smoked salmon. It’s her favourite. Tosh wants to know how he knows. Tosh wants a beer. Owen is like, crikey, beer? At work? Goodness gracious! [I did like that one of the chief traits of Bizarro Torchwood was everyone having a strange sense of propriety in the workplace. - Steve]

Ianto brings Gwen home. She says, ‘don’t leave me, Jack’. He says she’ll be okay and promptly leaves her. Ianto gives a cute little thumbs-up to Gwen. Jack sees this child again. Oh, it’s a boy. I couldn’t tell before. ‘Can you see him?’ Jack asks. Ianto cannot. There’s been a sighting down a sewer. Ianto wants them both to go, but Jack is going alone.

Tosh gives Owen a beer and tells him to live a little. Her boobs hang out. She says ‘call it a celebration’. She and Adam have been together a year. Her stomach still flips when she thinks about him. ‘Do you know what I mean?’ Owen doesn’t. Tosh says he’ll meet the right girl. Owen asks if she really thinks he looks like a rodent. Tosh says they’ll open the box.

Jack is down the sewers investigating. He turns and sees a man, dressed in like, knock-off Tatooine clothing, all white linen and goggles. The man yells, ‘Get out! Get out son!’ Jack says ‘Dad?’ and runs.

‘Adam’ is there. ‘How did you get here?’ says Jack. ‘I came with you!’ says ‘Adam’ and touches Jack on the shoulder. ‘Oh, of course,’ says Jack. ’What did you see?’ says ‘Adam’. ‘My past,’ says Jack.

Gwen and Rhys. She doesn’t understand how she could forget being in love. [She does it quite often, you'd think she'd be used to it by now. - Carrie] Rhys sees there is no food in, so they pop to the shops.

‘Adam’ goes after Jack. ‘What about the past? Is it your childhood?’ ‘Adam’ gets a bit Counsellor Troi and says ‘I’ve always been here. You can confide in me,’ And, of course, touches Jack on the shoulder. Oh dear. And now we get lots and lots of John Barrowman acting his socks off. It’s not pretty, you guys. ‘It was meant to be buried! Over 150 years ago! Why now?’ ‘Adam’ says that maybe Jack’s subconscious is letting him remember. But Jack, Jack cannot afford to remember. ‘Adam’ looks pissed off and says he can help and gets all hypnotist – where are you, what do you see yada yada yada.

We see young Jack on a beach, on the Boeshae Peninsula his home in the 51st century. Big Jack narrates. They lived under threat of invasion. They thought they’d pass over but they didn’t. ‘Adam’ asks who. The most horrible creatures you can possibly imagine. On Tattooine, erm, excuse me, Boeshae, Little Jack’s dad says to take Gray and keep him safe. ‘My little brother,’ says Big Jack, for the terminally slow-on-the-uptake. Jack’s dad goes to get Jack’s mum. Little Jack and Gray run away. At some point, Little Jack lets go of Gray’s hand. He goes back to find him.

John Barrowman isn’t very good at emotions. I think he’s still acting for stage – where everything needs to be writ large to register across the distance to the audience. But he’s not on stage, he’s on TV, where we have such technological marvels as The Close-Up, so subtlety is rather more on order. Jack ran all the way home! He found his dad’s corpse, complete with bloody chest wound, but looked for Gray for years and never found a body. ‘Adam’ says it wasn’t Jack’s fault. Jack wibbles on about how he let go of Gray’s hand, it was the worst day of my life, I don’t want to remember. (Incidentally, this is a fairly nice indication of how close he was to Captain John, given that Captain John clearly knew all this stuff that Jack keeps really locked away. However, as it’s Torchwood, I think that’s probably coincidence rather than subtle character interplay.)

The box has alien, like, radiation waves or something, wavey wavey alien wavey, on it. Owen says they’re from cross-contamination in the crates. Ianto thinks Jack brought in the special gold box. Tosh says Adam did. Ianto will check his diary. Tosh is surprised he writes about artefacts. He says he does, ‘and other things’ and winks. Ohh, I like dirty Ianto. Hello. [I just like my Ianto, full stop. Bless him and his suits. - Carrie]

Owen asks if Tosh and ‘Adam’ are doing anything for their anniversary. Tosh is like, ‘maybe, yeah, sort of’. Owen tells Tosh he’d cherish her if they were together and if it was their anniversary he’d make a big fuss. Because ‘I love you!’ Tosh is like, you love who in the what now? Owen says he’s always loved her. Tosh says ‘Owen’ in a voice full of warning. Owen says ‘You wouldn’t know that unless I tell you, so I’m telling you,’ and that he knows there’s ‘Adam’ but Tosh should give Tosh‘n’Owen a chance. Toshiko ‘n’ Owen. Oh, shit. Toshikowen. They’ve got a portmanteau couple name – they’re so getting together by the end of the series. Tosh is ANGRY. That is completely inappropriate! ‘How dare you! I’m with Adam! And even if weren’t, you’re not my type. And never will be.’ She storms out. Owen gives a tiny broken ‘oh’ and John Barrowman needs to watch Burn Gorman right here on repeat for about a thousand years because that’s how you act. Subtle, small, but totally effective. [Word. I had my issues with this episode, but I thought Naoko Mori and Burn Gorman did a fantastic job in all of their scenes. - Steve]

Rhys and Gwen are in some shop buying stuff for dinner. The cashier boy wanders off on his mobile. Rhys goes off on one. Gwen remembers Rhys the Rant. It’s come back to her! She cries a bit.

Ianto reads his diary. He looks worried. ‘Adam’ is next to him, all of a sudden. Ianto says, ‘The diary – you’re not in it. Why would I leave you out if you’ve been here so long? Like I’m remembering a man who doesn’t exist’. ‘Adam’s’ hand goes all twitchy and blurry. ‘Adam’ doesn’t even try to pretend, and says to Ianto, ‘Cross me and I’ll fill your head with fake memories until it’s on fire.’ He makes Ianto remember murdering a woman. And another. And raping them too, it seems, although that’s never made explicit. But it wouldn’t be Torchwood without casual rape, would it? [Ugh. Gratuitous violence against women. I get that he was trying to convince Ianto he was a monster, but did all of his vicitms have to be helpless females? So gross. - Steve] ‘Adam’ is all crazy and saying stuff like ‘we know the rot in your heart. You crave flesh,’ and putting more and more murder memories in Ianto’s head. It cuts between them in the hub and them at the various murder scenes. ‘Adam’ says ‘Remember it. Remember it. Remember it,’ and tells Ianto that he’s the one that helps Ianto dispose of the bodies and stuff, so that makes them Super Special Awesome Best Buddies. ‘Adam’ kisses Ianto on the mouth, because it wouldn’t be Torchwood without gratuitous same-sex kissing, and says ‘I’d forgotten what a rush it was. Filling in the bad stuff.’ Ianto is in the rain-soaked murder scene rocking and crying.

Jack stands on the roof (where else?) and looks thoughtful, remembering dead daddy. His mummy is sad. Where’s Gray? Jack doesn’t know. Boo hoo, goes mum, my husband and child are dead and I’ve only got the shitty time-travelling promiscuous bisexual son left. Jack wants to know why the memories are coming back now.

Gwen gets in bed in some nice grey pyjamas. It’s a bit of blur but she’s getting there, in memory terms. Rhys says, 'It’s all you’ve got, really, memories’ and that he always worried she just settled for him. She wouldn’t look at him twice now she has her Super Special Awesome High-Powered Job Where She Gets To Fuck Up A Lot And Have Sex With Aliens. ‘Don’t say that!’ says Gwen. He kisses her and asks if she remembers it. ‘No, it felt like the first time. But it was nice.’ He kisses her neck and the get down to some Sexy Fun Time, we assume.

‘Adam’ and Tosh get to have some sex also. And I really really wish Torchwood would think more carefully about these things. In the very first episode, Owen pheromoned a woman (and her boyfriend) to make them have sex with him. Here, ‘Adam’ has implanted all these memories into Tosh’s brain of them being a couple, which they never were. The attitude of the writers is basically, ‘it’s not rape if you make her think she likes it’ and that grosses me out. Anyway, they’re sexing to Tricky, of all things. Who listens to Tricky any more? They stop. Tosh asks what’s wrong? ‘Adam’ asks how far she would you for him, if she would die for him. Tosh says yes, because it was only a few weeks since she was shagging time-travelling frozen boyo and now she’ll say anything to get laid.

Jack comes home to the base. Ianto says ‘Jack’ in a hoarse voice and says, ‘Put me in the vaults. Lock me up. I killed three girls.’ Jack is like, nuh-uh you did. Ianto’s like, I totally did and I liked it. Jack’s all ‘what happened to you?’ and gives Ianto a hug. Ianto whispers, ‘I’m a monster.’ [I was actually quite moved at this bit, despite Captain Jack's ever-present sense of omniscience. - Carrie] (It was sweet. Gareth David Lloyd or whatever his name is does good scared-sad.-Joel)

Jack gets some alien tech lie detector, with the incredibly sophisticated technology of a light bulb that changes colour when someone is lying. Seriously. Ianto is all, I had my hands on her through and it was awesome. The light stays green. Ianto says it must be true, then. Jack says he doesn’t believe it and wants to know about the second girl..’ Ianto is all, she tried to run but I was too quick and something in me wanted to kill. The light stays green. Jack still doesn’t believe it.

Jack goes and looks at some security footage. We get some big flashes of ‘Adam’ saying ‘remember it’ to Ianto, and making out with Tosh, and Gwen’s ‘who the hell is this’ bit. Just in case we didn’t realise what he did yet. He TOUCHES them and that’s how he IMPLANTS MEMORIES. [OH! IT IS ALL SO MUCH CLEARER NOW! THANK GOODNESS FOR THE TOP-QUALITY SCRIPTWRITING FITTING THESE JIGSAW PIECES TOGETHER! - Carrie] Jack shows Ianto the footage. They run about a bit. [We should maybe get a macro for that. - Steve]

‘Adam’ has no blood sample in the Torchwood blood sample carousel. And thereby we learn that there is no problem that cannot be solved by the fact that Owen keeps a few vials of blood in the fridge. ‘Adam’s’ personnel file is okay, but was updated 24 hours ago. The lights go off. It’s all scary. It’s Owen with flowers, though. Then Tosh and ‘Adam’ come in.

Owen apologises for the night before and says that as long as Tosh is happy, it’s okay. He asks if she [I]is[/I] happy. Gwen turns up. Her memories are coming back. ‘Adam’ demands a group hug. A moment later, Jack puts a gun to ‘Adam’s’ head and asks who he is. Everyone’s like ‘ZA?’ ‘Adam’ tries to touch him but Jack says nuh-uh missy, my pants are staying on this time. Or something. Everyone’s like, what’re you doing Jack, leave ‘Adam’ alone. [And Jack tells 'Adam' that he thinks he's part of his team but has no feelings for him - "no pride". Yes, for pride is the overriding emotion I would have when surveying Team Torchwood. - Carrie] Tosh pulls a gun on Jack. Ianto disarms her.

Jack takes ‘Adam’ down to the cells and is like ‘ZOMG! You disturbed memories!’ ‘Adam’ is like ‘I had to do this to live! But I helped you. You’re remembering stuff. Owen is nice now, and Tosh is a slut, and everyone likes a slut more than a boring little maths girl. Okay, Ianto thinks he’s a serial killer now, but you know, that’s got to be better than just making the tea.’ [Captain Jack has his arms folded and eyebrows narrowed. He is thinking. - Carrie]

‘Adam’ says, ‘I was in the abyss or something for ages! But I liked your tasty tasty memories. That’s why I came. Torchwood folk have such interesting lives, and such tasty memories. Specially you, tasty immortal Jack brains.’

Jack is like, ‘Torchwood are the best at killing the aliens!’

‘Adam' is like, ‘Noes! You always remember who you kill.’ [This causes Captain Jack to pause in his walking away from the cell, and gaze into the distance AS IF THINKING. - Carrie]

In a boardroom, Jack puts on the magical hypno-screen of hypnosis and tells Tosh et al to go back to who they are, some key memory that defines them.

Gwen remembers seeing Rhys in the uni canteen.
Owen’s 10th birthday, with his mum screaming ‘You’re my son so I love you but I don’t have to like you!’ [Aw. This was sad too. I don't like Owen, obviously, but it is nice to see him have a backstory rather than just being a horrible sex-obsessed DOCTOR. - Carrie]
Tosh is like, yay maths.
Ianto remembers meeting his Robot Bikini Girlfriend.
Owen, 16, his mum packs his bags.
Gwen in supermarket with Rhys.
Tosh remembers buying a flat but no flatwarming because she had no-one to invite [Poor Tosh. She has the biggest flat in the world, full of Ikea furniture, but not even that can make you happy. - Carrie]
Ianto is like I was super-sad when my Robot Bikini Girlfriend got covered in barbecue sauce and eaten by our pet pterodactyl.
Gwen is all, 'the way he looks at me sometimes'. She says, ‘I love him. But not in the way I love you.' and looks at Jack. [Is she telling Jack she's in love with him? - Carrie] (I think so. She's a bit of a cow, really. You're engaged and he's boinking Ianto. Leave alone.-Joel)

Tosh remembers knowing she was special, waiting for someone to see it. Jack says, ‘I saw it.’

Owen says, ‘Who’ll save me?’ Jack says, ‘I will.’ [Captain Jack is the SAVIOUR OF US ALL. Hallelujah! - Carrie]

Ianto is like, coming here gave me meaning again, after my Robot Bikini Girlfriend got turned into a Robot Bikini Girlfriend, also I could hide her in the basement. Oh, also Jack. Jack gives him a forehead kiss. And we still don’t know how Ianto went from ‘I’ll never forgive you for killing my Robot Bikini Girlfriend’ to ‘Mmm, sexy fun time with Captain Jack.’ SRSLY. Perfect place for an onscreen explanation, and do we get one? We do not. THIS FUCKING SHOW. - Steve]

They all, except Jack, take mini-Retcon pills that will wipe out the last 48 hours to go back to who they were. (So it’s okay that Tosh got raped – she won’t remember it!)

Adam's in the cells getting all fuzzy.

Tosh says, ‘I’m going to lose so much.’ Jack says, ‘None of it was real.’
Tosh – ‘I loved him! And he loved me.’ Jack says, ‘He forced it on you. You have to let it go.’ And I can’t even go into the whole ‘he forced it on you’ when they totally glossed over the rape aspect.

Tosh, weeping, looks at the cctv of ‘Adam’ in the cells and cries goodbye. [Dear Torchwood, please stop trying to make us have woobie feelings over rapists. It is really, really sick. Cordially yours, Steve] They all take their pills and go sleepybyes on the table. Jack goes down to the cells.

‘Adam’ says, ‘I know what it’s like not to exist. Please don’t send me back.’ And now I just want to go down the Descartes route, but I won’t. Adam’s like ‘I can help you find good memories. I can help you get a good memory before I die.’ Jack is like, ‘Why?’ ‘Adam’ is like I was in the void and you gave me tasty memory dinner nom nom nom. So I say thank you by gives you tasty memory.

Jack remembers playing on the beach with his dad. Jack and dad and Gray are there. Adam asks if Jack is there. Jack goes to get his ball, that’s gone over a dune. There’s some boy there called Adam. He wants to play too. Young Jack says no and pushes him. Dad comes over the dune with Gray and tells Young Jack off for being a meanyboots. Young Jack is like, no! He shouldn’t be here! So Dad and Gray stomp off. Jack is all, it wasn’t supposed to be like this! We played till it got dark! In memoryland, Young Jack says ‘You did this! You made it happen.’ ‘Adam’ says the box contains his last good memory, of Jack playing with his dad. If Jack kills him now, he’ll lose it forever. Jack takes the pill. ‘Goodbye Adam.’ Adam has a spazzy fit on floor and disappears. Old Jack in memoryland is like ‘Come back! It wasn’t like this!’ I didn’t quite understand that sequence. Guys? [Right, watching it again. As punishment for deadifying him, Adam is destroying Jack's last good memory of his dad and his mum and his little brother. All the soft focus sandstorm stuff is just Torchwood's attempt to be artistic and creative with the concept of memory, as far as I can work out. - Carrie]

CARDIFF! Jack wakes up by a cell, all confuzzled. He goes upstairs and they’re all like why have we lost two days? Jack doesn’t know. For some reason, all the security footage is wiped. That makes no sense. Causing ‘Adam’ to cease to exist wouldn’t cause him to cease to [I]ever have existed.[/I] Especially as Owen’s flowers are still there, so the events of the past two days still did happen. Also, they could have written themselves a note, or made a little video or something. Stupid. [And it didn't really make a lot of sense regarding how he got there in the first place. If he only existed in their memories, did he suddenly appear because one of them randomly decided to remember a weird creepy mind leech out of nowhere? - Steve]

Anyway, they find Tosh’s flowers. The card says ‘love and apologies, Owen’. Owen’s like nah mate, not me, and gives Tosh a weird little smile.

Jack has found Ianto’s diary. He says, ‘for the record tape measures never lie’. So, Jack and Ianto spend their time measuring their cocks and seeing who can jerk off the fastest by timing it with a stopwatch. I was about to say, ‘What are they, twelve?’ but I don’t think anyone of any age does that.

Jack finds the gold box. A piece falls out. He slots it in and the box opens. It’s full of sand. [Because it was AT THE BEACH. Where his dad WHO IS DEAD and also NO LONER EXISTS was. - Carrie] Barrowman does some quality smell the fart acting.

End of.

Next week: Miss Martha Jones. She’ll whip this fucking rabble into shape, you mark my words.

Ssh! It's a SECRET

Episode 2.04 'Meat'
Tx: 6th February 2008

Blah de blah, Torchwood, 21st century, Captain Jack voiceover, blah de blah.

So anyway, we're back in Cardiff and hoping that this week's episode will be a little more inspiring than the last. It begins promisingly, because it's lovely Rhys, driving in his lovely car, listening to the lovely radio and beaming in a lovely fashion at his company's lovely advertising jingle. But then his lovely phone rings, and he has to pull over to answer it, because he is a responsible motorist. It's his secretary, Ruth, who tells him one of the drivers from his haulage firm has been involved in an accident. Coincidentally, the accident is right in front of him! [Actually I think that was just sloppy editing. Rhys may not be the brightest condom in the box, but I'm sure even he would've spotted a serious RTA that close by. - Steve]

The lorry driver IS DEAD. Rhys talks to the police officer, explaining that it's his firm, and that the DEAD lorry driver has a wife and baby. Insert your own X-Factor joke here. There are many sirens as the police investigators discover that the lorry was transporting meat. And look! Who approacheth in the distance? Why, it is Team Torchwood!

Captain Jack and his team of efficient pros inspect the large slabs of meat. It has NO BONES - it is just flesh. And, as Captain Jack hasn't noticed any giant cows around recently [apart from Gwen - Steve], he concludes that the meat must be alien. Gwen still hasn't noticed her fiance standing about five yards from her, by the way. Then they drive off again.

Cardiff! Owen is in an attractive plastic green apron today. Gwen is fretting about Rhys's potential involvement with the ALIEN MEAT, calling him "the most honest man I know". That's right, love, and he deserves some honesty in return.

Rhys is back in his Portakabin office. The phone rings - it is a police officer. Except it's not, it's Tosh, doing Acting, and she interrogates him about his knowledge of ALIEN MEAT. [Given the type of lowbrow humour this show likes to deploy, d'you reckon we can get through the whole recap without a joke about Jack's penis? - Steve] It turns out that Rhys's staff's paperwork, initiative and competence would rival Team Torchwood's, and there isn't any record of who they've been dealing with at the ALIEN MEAT TRANSPORTING COMPANY.

Owen has performed a scan that proves the meat is ALIEN MEAT. Ah right, yeah, that famous alien-meat scan. Apparently it's safe to eat. [Nnngggh! Too many jokes! - Steve] As Team Torchwood ponder this, Ianto announces that the pizza has arrived. Heh.

Gwen decides that she should go home to see how Rhys is. [I wish I had the sort of job where I could just swan off on a whim in the middle of the day to visit my boyfriend. Then again, Gwen's such a liability they probably welcome any excuse to get her out of the office. - Steve] She pretends she cares about Rhys's driver dying, and that she knows nothing about the accident. Then she decides to go back to work again. Rhys tells her it was hardly worth her coming home, but she argues that it was, because "I get to see you". Like she cares.

Rhys isn't daft, he knows something is up, so he follows Gwen in stealthy fashion. She meets Jack in very unsecretive fashion, and asks him, "Have you ever eaten alien meat?" I think we all know where this punchline is going to go, don't we? [GAH! And we were doing so well... - Steve] Let's move on. Rhys follows Jack and Gwen in the Obviousmobile to the storage warehouse. Owen and Ianto are recceing it. Tosh is stuck at home. Poor old cow.

Having decided the best plan of action would be to burst in on the warehouse operatives and stun-gun them all, Jack and Gwen finally notice that Rhys has been following them, and they then spot a posse of dodgy boys in a white car. Star detective that he is, Captain Jack immediately decides that because Rhys and the dodgy boys are in the same place, they must be in collusion, and therefore Rhys is in on the ALIEN MEAT SCAM. Gwen refuses to believe that Rhys would lie to her, and goes to get him. Jack grabs her and pushes her against the wall. There is no sexual chemistry here whatsoever, in case you're interested. [Trufax. Unless a huge awkward pause where no one says anything and two people stare at each other's noses passes for sexual chemistry these days. - Steve] The new plan is to let everyone go in the warehouse, wait outside and see what happens. Why the plan should have altered so hugely from the stun-gun one that had been devised 30 seconds earlier simply because Rhys is now perceived to be one of the dodgy boys' gang, I'm not sure.

Anyway, the dodgy boys take Rhys through the warehouse into an office. The office door has blood spattered across the door, just so we all know this is a BAD place. [Also, the leader looks like Sylar.- Steve] Rhys, showing the sense and initiative that will never get him admitted to the Torchwood team, tells the dodgy boys that he is there to replace DEAD Leyton; it'll be him "clearing up old meat" from now on.

The dodgy boys accept this as a plausible reason for him to be there, and take him to meet the big old alien. It's having chunks hacked off it, and it wails and wails. Rhys DOES NOT WANT, and vomits. The dodgy boys tell him they don't know what it is, but no matter how much meat they cut out it keeps growing.

Jack and Gwen, meanwhile, have done bugger all and continue to observe the building. They see the dodgy boys and Rhys leave. They Do Not Understand. Everyone goes home.

Rhys and Gwen's place. Gwen attempts to tell him off for being in cahoots with dodgy boys, and Rhys SHOUTS. Oh my, this is magnificent. He tells her off good and proper about EVERYTHING - about lying to him constantly, to which Gwen responds, "All I ever asked was that you trust me." HA! Yeah, right. Then she has the cheek to criticise him for taking such risky action as entering a warehouse with a bunch of dodgy boys - "You prefer to blunder in without thinking...Heart's in the right place, brain's a million miles away." Sound like anyone else you know? [Well, the only other person in this show who possesses a heart or a brain is Toshiko, so... - Steve] Gwen finally tells Rhys about her alien-hunting metier in life, and he is unimpressed and disbelieving - "Aliens? In CARDIFF?" - so I'm not quite sure what the hell he thought that creature was in the warehouse that regenerates no matter how much it's dismembered and how much it bleeds. [Joan Rivers? - Steve]

Aerial shot of CARDIFF! Tosh, seemingly unscarred by her Lost Love from last week, tries to come on to Owen. It's dull and unsuccessful. [And pretty much flies in the face of what little character development Tosh and Owen have managed so far this series. Who the hell wrote this episode? - Steve] Aerial shot of CARDIFF! Gwen is taking Rhys to Torchwood Three, and has apparently rung ahead to warn her colleagues, like you need clearance to get in that building. Rhys meets the team and asks if they are a cult. Heh. Jack quizzes him about what he saw in the warehouse. Rhys tells him, and Owen does doctor-esque explaining, despite his white coat being nowhere in sight. Tosh realises that this form of meat supply is infinite - "We could feed the world!" "We could release a single," snarks Ianto. Jack, who seems to be competing with Gwen for the title of Most Loathsome Torchwood Team Member this series, shouts at Rhys; Rhys is having none of it and gives him a telling-off too. [And if I may quote verbatim from Jack here: "All you did tonight was mess things up. Now we have to think of a way to get back in, and thanks to you they'll have tightened security." I believe that's Torchwoodese for "We'd like you to work with us. We think you'll fit in perfectly." - Steve]

Rhys is a temporary member of Team Torchwood now, though surely he's far too competent to be recruited permanently. They have a team meeting. There is a reference to Scooby-Doo, which I'd like to think is a knowing wink to the fact that, well, Torchwood is like a grown-up alien-hunting Scooby-Doo, but I'm not sure this show has that much self-awareness. Jack wants to save the alien and send it back through the rift, despite never having seen it. Ianto knows full well if the alien comes back to Torchwood HQ, it'll be him looking after it - "I'll stock up on plankton."

Tosh brings Owen sandwiches, and offers to keep him company, and continues to drop even less subtle hints about the possibility of them having sex. BORED NOW. [Seriously. Tosh's utter failure to read the room here is beyond gross. I hate the way she's written in this episode. - Steve]

Gwen and Rhys have a Serious Talk about the Danger of the alien rescue mission. Rhys tells her that he will stay and be part of the team for this little escapade because he doesn't want to leave her with all the sexy young men. Rhys, Tosh is so sexually frustrated at the moment I suspect you might have more to fear from her. Gwen and Rhys kiss. Jack watches them and glowers. So - what, he loves Gwen now? I thought he was going to take Ianto out for dinner? [Told you it would never happen. - Steve]

Rhys's office. Jack flirts with Ruth the secretary. Ew. [And just so nobody misses some of the quality double entendres here: "Would I need a licence for TRUCKING?" "Yes! It takes four weeks and then you can go long-distance." "Oh, I don't think THAT'll be a problem." Seriously, who writes this garbage? - Steve] Rhys and Jack get into the Obviousmobile, and as they drive Rhys continues to give Jack a good talking-to about his management skills, concluding the rant by asking him if he is gay.

Rhys is sent off to Do His Work - he gets in the front of the delivery van. Team Torchwood get in the back of the van, and are utterly concealed by the impenetrable Welsh flag hanging between the cab and the storage space. Rhys drives into the storage depot, does excellent distraction of the depot staff so that he can release Team Torchwood, and when he goes to open the door THEY HAVE ALREADY GONE.

Yes, of course, they are wandering around the building, stun-guns in hand, making a reasonable attempt at stealth. A man hacks off more bits of the alien, which wails. Jack, Gwen and Tosh inspect his wounds. Jack looks pained, and emotes: "What have they done to you, my poor friend?" Ouch. John Barrowman has many qualities, but serious small-screen acting isn't one of them.

70s American cop show music as Owen and Ianto leap about the bloodied building doing spying and eavesdropping. Dodgy boy number 1 is proved to be heartless and evil because he doesn't care about the lack of sedative in the building, meaning that the alien can feel pain. Owen ransacks the stock of chemicals. Ianto is discovered by the dodgy boys, and they work out that Rhys has worked with him to get him in the building. They punch Rhys and take them both hostage, tying Ianto's wrists together. O NOEZ. Obviously they know that Ianto and Rhys wouldn't be working alone, and lure Gwen out, because SHE LOVES RHYS and does not want him to get hurt. Then Jack and Tosh are spotted because they are bad at stealth. Jack tries to explain to them about the alien. Although they are not listening, it buys Ianto time - he has untied the ropes round his wrists. [Which Nerdeo fails to see, despite standing RIGHT BEHIND HIM. Jesus. - Steve] He is pretty, snarky, clever and supple. The chief dodgy boy is unmoved by Jack's alien information and shoots at Gwen. Hooray! Except Rhys is chivalrous and lovely, so he leaps in front of her and takes the bullet. Boo! Ianto punches the dodgy boy, and chaos ensues. Owen continues to gather more chemicals.

The dodgy boys pack their bags and try to escape. Except Ianto is on the case, and today he is being both sexy and efficient, and stun-guns them all into oblivion. Ha. Owen tries to sedate the distressed alien. Jack shouts at him. SHUT UP. I have shouted, "Fuck off, Jack!" more times tonight than I shout, "Fuck off, Gabriella!" when I watch High School Musical. Meanwhile, while Owen is doing his sedating, Rhys is on the floor bleeding to death, but obviously the doctoring skillz are needed to euthanise the alien instead. Owen has to explain that he's had to perform a mercy killing. Jack looks pained. Finally, Owen does some doctoring on Rhys, which appears to equate to chucking some cotton wool at him. The alien wails some more in its death throes. Owen is sad and apologetic. Tosh takes this opportunity to try and grope him some more.

Cardiff! Rhys is in Torchwood HQ, all bandaged up. Gwen is being a nice girlfriend. Ianto tells him, "Next time, let her take the bullet." [Word, Ianto. - Steve] We discover that the dodgy boys have been amnesiafied, because the crime of mutilating an alien wouldn't stand up in court, so best all round just to forget it. Rhys is sad about the alien. Jack tells Gwen in confidence that Rhys has to be amnesiafied too. Gwen says she'll do it at home. She SO won't. [Why not? It never bothered her before. - Steve]

Outside Torchwood HQ. Rhys is all better now, with just a sling to show for his afternoon's work. He wants an ice-cream. He and Gwen sit by the sea and he talks about the amazingness of alienz and how his life has been changed. Gwen is unimpressed because it's, like, so mundane. Rhys compares himself to Jack, for no real reason. Rhys's phone rings, and Gwen takes the amnesiafying pill out of her pocket.

Torchwood Three. Gwen returns, all sirens and alerts blazing. She is refusing to amnesiafy Rhys. Shocker. Her argument seems to be that Rhys is much nicer than the rest of them, which is true, but not entirely convinced by the logic. [Her argument was also that he did it for her, just in case we forget that Gwen is the centre of the damn universe. - Steve] "I've lied to Rhys for long enough...He did it because he loves me." She says that she'll quit if Rhys has to be amnesiafied. Jack looks cross for all of two seconds, and replies: "Give Rhys my love and I will see you tomorrow." Gwen leaves and returns to Rhys. Jack is watching them on the CCTV. Voyeur. He sees them kiss, and he weeps.

Well, that was...odd, but fun. At least I laughed this week. Join us next week for more Scooby-Doo-Wood!

World Bore I

Episode 2.03 'To The Last Man'
TX date: 30/01/2008

A staircase. People who talk posh. It must be The Past. They have proto-gadgetry and seem to be tracking something. They’re in a hospital. A nurse walks into the corridor, “Oh, I thought you were ghosts!” she says. Does she see ghosts often? She's seen three today, apparently - in the ward. Now we are informed that this is St Teilo's Military Hospital, 1918. [Through a caption. I hate when programmes have to tell you where they're basing the action. If the writing was any good, you should be able to work out where it is. - Carrie] When the soldiers get better, they will be sent back to the front. Modern day parallel? [Drink? - Carrie] Then there is noise and light and stuff, and Tosh appears with a soldier in pyjamas called Tommy. He demands that they take him, "So I can be here now". I’m just guessing here, but I think they were probably inside some kind of rift in the time-space continuum. So, of course, they march off to (a slightly younger) Tommy's bedside and demand that he goes with them. "Who are you?" *smug look* "Torchwood". Titles! [Disappointingly, we didn't get enough time to see if they were dirty bisexuals too. - Steve]

At this point, I just have to say that I don’t like the way this episode is going. Time travel plots never work. There are always gaping plot-holes, unless you don’t think too hard about the workings of linear time. Not that Torchwood fears plot-holes, obviously, but it’s not a good start. Aside from that, you must be kidding me - like there weren't more important people to fight in 1918 than aliens and various supernatural gubbins? Conscript their asses! Meanwhile, back in Cardiff...

Tosh's flat. Morning. It looks like an Ikea showroom. [It looks like a ruddy coliseum. How much do these people get paid? - Steve] Has she moved since last series? Tosh seems to be putting a lot of effort (more than usual, we’re supposed to deduce, although I suspect Tosh makes an effort every day just in case Owen gets a bit horny) into getting dressed. To a soundtrack of Moby. As she leaves the house, we see she has ringed Friday the 20th in her calendar. I can only assume it’s the first day of the Ikea winter sale.

Torchwood Three. They seem to be preparing for the annual arrival of Tommy and argue about how old he is - 20 or 114. Jack: “I know which one I'd choose.” I'm not sure I even know which one Jack would choose anymore. Owen remarks on the fact that Tosh arrives in a dress - some kind of shapeless purple sack. It's not what I would choose for my once-yearly date. Ah, Tommy is in the vault. Owen does some doctory stuff in his lab coat [fuck it, I'm not afraid to use cliche - because HE IS A DOCTOR - Carrie]. Ianto says they’re defrosting Tommy to "check he still works". Dopey Gwen is the only one who doesn’t know what’s going on or why. (Even though she would have been at Torchwood last year when they did this.-Joel) Jack: “One day we're gonna need him”. Everything doesn’t go to plan and Owen has to crank up the defibrillator and shout for no real reason – presumably to remind everyone that he is a Doctor [in his WHITE LAB COAT - Carrie]. Tommy wakes up panicking, but Tosh calms him down. He knows he's in Torchwood - and why wouldn't he? They probably conduct guided tours. In fact, I think we saw Ianto doing just that last week. Tosh asks Tommy how he’s feeling. “I could murder a cup of tea.” Gosh, he’s so British. Stiff upper lip and all that. [As long as all he murders is a cup of tea, he'll be Torchwood's best-behaved houseguest ever. - Steve]

Torchwood tea-room. "Don't expect the best china," says Ianto. Tommy notices Tosh's dress and asks whether she's wearing trousers underneath because it's cold outside. "It's the fashion this year," replies Owen. Sorry, but trousers with a calf-length dress? When was that in fashion? [Not since Katy Hill left Blue Peter at the turn of the millennium. - Steve] Anyway, how would he know? Tommy reminisces about the fact that, "In 1968 they were wearing miniskirts", thereby male-bonding with Owen in the course of a few sentences. Tosh is inwardly like, “D'oh! I knew I should have dressed more slutty.” (Well, slutty isn't necessary, but it would have been a good idea not to put on maternity wear if you want to catch someone's eye.-Joel) Gwen still doesn't get why Tommy's there. Jack repeats: “One day we're gonna need him,” which: not that helpful.

Owen takes some blood samples [while wearing his WHITE LAB COAT - Carrie], because he is A Doctor. Tommy is used to the procedure – he’s been doing this every year since 1918. Meanwhile, Tosh checks that he remembers who he is. His parents ARE DEAD, because he is IN THE FUTURE. Maybe he could enter The X Factor.

Jack's office. Gwen is still bugging him because she has to know absolutely everything that is going on all the time, so she knows how to screw it up most effectively. Jack explains that in the hospital in 1918 there was “a time shift, a fracture in the rift ... two slices of time were erupting into each other", but they don't know what slice. When the rift opens, pieces of 1918 will start to appear in the hospital, then all over the country, then all over the world!! OMGZ! Tommy is the only person who can stop it. Torchwood 1918 left them sealed orders in a wooden box. Gwen tries to open the box. (Stupid cow. SEALED orders. If the boss isn't allowed to look why the hell should you be?-Joel) Jack looks smug. It's locked. A temporal lock. It will only open when the rift opens. [Because heaven forfend they should be prepared or anything. Even WWI Torchwood couldn't get anything right. - Steve]

Tommy is dressed, and Gwen thinks he looks like a film star. Tommy: “Who, Charlie Chaplin?” Because he is FROM THE PAST! Gwen asks if they’ve got any more hot young soldiers locked in the freezer. She’s always on the lookout for a chap to cheat on Rhys with, even if she has to defrost him first. Stupid cow. [Aaaaaand the liking I felt for Gwen last week has now vanished completely. I knew it was too good to be true. - Steve] Jack tells her that Tosh saw him first – quite right too. (Also, you're engaged. And when you cheat on Rhys you feel guilty and then tell him and then rape his brain with Retcon pills to make yourself feel better. But you could just not cheat on your fiancé in the first place.-Joel) Gwen doesn’t get the man for a change.

Cardiff exterior. Tommy only has one day and he wants to see everything, wheeeee! If they wake him up every year, surely Cardiff hasn't changed that much? Tosh hasn't been up to anything since she last saw him – “work mostly”. She leaves out the part about shagging lesbian aliens. She didn't learn to play the piano, like she told him he was going to, but she did buy a book. She has to explain the term “24/7”, which is also new since 2006. Tommy judges her a bit for not having a life.

Torchwood Three. Gwen and Ianto drool over pics of Torchwood 1918. Gwen decides she's off to the hospital. Wouldn’t want anything supernatural going on without her being there to get in trouble, after all.

Tosh explains pool in the pub. Didn’t they have pool in 1918? Or at least snooker or something. Tommy asks if she's got a boyfriend, which: duh. She asks if he had a girlfriend in 1918. He says he did, and he had “courted her” for two years, but he dumped her when he was home on leave because, "The war changed me. I couldn't just carry on like before."(I'm surprised the war didn't make him bisexual.-Joel)

Gwen is back at the hospital. It is deserted. Except it isn’t. An amputee ghost appears and starts limping towards her, faster and faster, until... Gwen backs into a wall and the injured soldier disappears. [Even more idiotically, the bit of wall she backs into is RIGHT NEXT to a huge gaping corridor. Run down that, you stupid cow! If your self-preservation instincts are that weak, how are you not dead yet? - Steve] Gwen runs along a corridor for no apparent reason, and looks around another room. The lights flicker. That’s always a bad sign. Remember the alien from last week? She made that happen. [It always happens in Supernatural as well. I wish I was watching Supernatural instead. - Steve] Then some builders turn up and say, "Are you alright, love? You look as if you've seen a ghost." Ha.

So, it turns out the hospital is being knocked down. Jack has turned up, obviously having sent Gwen on ahead in case anything bad was about to happen. "In 1918 this hospital was full of wounded soldiers," Jack says, almost gleefully, and reminisces about the war. Because he was THERE.

Torchwood Three. Owen is in charge of all the shiny screens of power, but he's no good at that sort of thing and wants to call Tosh. Jack won’t let him. We all know she really needs to get some. He’s just thinking of what’s best for everyone.

Back in the pub, Tommy has learned how to order drinks. Whoop! I’m virtually certain there were pubs back in 1918. He sees news footage of tanks. "It seems like there's always a war somewhere." Ooh, social commentary! World War I was supposed to be "the war to end all wars", but then there was World War II. Tommy seems to be having a bit of an existential crisis. “Do you never wonder if we're worth saving, the human race?" Tosh: “Yes, I think we're worth saving - warts and all.” Then - oh my God, I can hear the violins swelling in the background – apropos of nothing, Tommy say, "I was just thinking I'd do anything for you. All you have to do is say, ‘Tommy, you're my brave, handsome hero and I need you'." I may have vomited. Does anyone else think this might have great significance later on? Then Tommy has a bit of a headache and Tosh looks worried.

The hospital. It is being knocked down, but apparently Torchwood are still allowed to wander inside. They must be beyond the builders’ union as well as the police and government. Team Torchwood split up. Have they never seen a horror movie? Or earlier episodes of Torchwood? Jack sees a nurse and soldier in a wheelchair, singing [and he doesn't join in? Would have thought West End Leading Man John Barrowman would have demanded that be put into the script, like Hugo Speer demanded a guitar-playing scene in this week's Echo Beach - Carrie]. He shines a torch at them (maybe that’s why he gets to be in charge of Torchwood?), but they don't seem to be bothered. Gwen seems fine, for a change. I think that’s about to change as she walks into a dark room and switches on a spooky flickering strip light. See, she doesn’t get a torch. She sees ghosts too, a man and a nurse. The nurse can see her now. Gwen looks behind her, but doesn’t reply, perhaps thinking the nurse is talking to someone else. Nurse: "I see you! Why won't you leave us alone? You shouldn't be here." (I often find myself saying that to Gwen. Are we sure that nurse was a ghost?-Joel) Then it’s not dark anymore and the nurse is gone.

A pier in Cardiff. Tommy chases Tosh, catches her and kisses her. Tommy: "What?" Tosh: "Nothing. Thanks." Tommy: "Thanks?" Tosh: "You just caught me out. It doesn't matter." Jesus Christ. Is there a Moving Wallpaper-style behind-the-scenes-of-Torchwood show, where we get to see how the show turns out such laughably terrible scripts? Tosh says she’s a bit older than Tommy, but he whinges that he’s “old enough to die for my country but too young to give you a kiss. You daft lass. What goes on in that head of yours?" You’d think Tosh might not like being patronised, but she doesn’t seem to mind. Tommy says he might be young, but he's seen a fair bit in his time, and then propositions her: "We could go back to mine but there's only room for one and it's bloody freezing." Ha ha. They’re on their way back to Tosh's shagpad when her phone rings. It's Jack. Tosh: "We're on our way." [That Jack. Such a damn cockblocker. - Steve]

Torchwood. Apparently demolishing the hospital is what triggers the timeshift. Two times can't exist simultaneously. You have to be in 1918 or now, not both. Duh. Tosh: “So when 1918 becomes fully manifest...” Owen: “It's really going to screw us up.” Jack screws up a piece of paper to demonstrate linear time going all skewy. The box of orders still doesn't open. Tosh and Owen are sent to the hospital to do "readings" or something. Gwen goes through the files. She ought to be kept in the office more often. Tosh doesn't want to be parted from Tommy, but work comes first.

The hospital. Owen and Tosh are sticking things to take readings all over the walls. Owen warns Tosh to "be careful" about being close to Tommy, because Owen can tell she's fallen for him. When did he start to give a shit? [At some point between series one and series two, apparently. He's been a lot nicer to her recently, but it's just a classic piece of unexplained offscreen character development - par for the course on this show. - Steve] Tosh says she can be herself with Tommy. Owen says he didn't think she had a fetish for defrosted men or anything (although I am not so convinced), he just doesn't want her to get hurt. Gwen sends Owen down to a different wing because of something she read in the old report. Gwen conjectures that the timeshift might have started, but maybe it doesn't complete until years in the future. But no, Owen sees what is described in the report - it's a car insurance advert. Owen, in serious voice: “It's not years in the future. It's now.”

Back in Tosh’s wing of the hospital, the readers are beeping a lot and an alarm goes off. What can this mean? I’m pretty sure it’s not good.

Torchwood Three. Jack is doing some paperwork when the box opens and some Pullman-style Dust comes out. He takes out a handwritten letter. Ianto: “Instructions? Jack: “Yeah, for Tommy... and Toshiko.” I don’t think she’ll have to sacrifice her life or anything, though.

Torchwood Command Centre. They have worked out that in 12 hours’ time there will be a brief moment when both eras co-exist. Tommy can step through to 1918 and close the rift. Then he will be back where he belongs - for good. You didn’t think Tosh would get a happy ending, did you? Jack: “You're the only one who can do this. Your life will be like a thread stitching time back together.” Tommy: “A stitch in time.” Ho ho! They have a rift key to close the door in time. It’s fortunate that they have all these useful gadgets lying around, isn’t it?

Jack's office. He reveals that Tommy dies three weeks after he goes back, shot by a firing squad. He was suffering from shellshock - Torchwood froze his memories, which is why he doesn’t remember this – and he was executed for cowardice. Jack gets dewy-eyed over the “more than 300” soldiers who were executed. Naturally, Tosh doesn't want to send him back. Jack: ”He trusts you... to help him save the future. It has to be you!” Torchwood 1918 drew a picture of her, which is how he knows. Then again, what if someone else could do it? This is where the whole time-travel thing gets a bit iffy, isn’t it? [I note that Jack doesn't particularly care if people from history die when he's finished with them - the real Captain Jack was probably court martialled for that very public gay kiss they had just as he was vanishing, but as long as Jack got his rocks off, that was FINE, right? - Steve]

Ianto has got Tommy's old clothes from the archives. Tommy: "So I'll be saving the world in some pyjamas? How daft is that?" I’m sure Ianto would have lent him a jaunty three-piece if it wouldn’t be anachronous.

Jack to Tosh: "I know you. You're strong enough to do this." Tosh:”Does Tommy know what happens to him?” Jack: “No.” Tosh: “If he asks me, what do I say?” Come on, Tosh, you’re smarter than that...

Tommy asks what time it is now, and the answer is ten to nine. The timeshift isn’t due until the morning. Tommy: “What do we do till then?” Team Torchwood look blank. Tommy: “You don't know, do you?” He seems to be judging them. I think Tosh has an idea. [And I'm fairly sure the rest of Team Torchwood are willing her to GET ON WITH IT and get some. - Carrie] Tommy says that in the trenches they used to play cards and have a drink, which Team Torchwood agree to do, but he doesn’t want to play with them because they’re not going over the top with him. Tosh: "He can come home with me. He's not our prisoner. He doesn't have to stay here, does he?" Jack: "No, if that's what you both want."

Tosh's flat. She tells Tommy to come in, although he already has. Tommy: “It's very neat.” Tosh: “Well, it's only me here (and I am an anally retentive freak with no mates).” Tommy: “And me, just for tonight. Then I'll be gone. I won't even be able to write to you.” Tosh: “I worried you'd see me getting older...” Bleurgh. Snoggage. It is MIDNIGHT. Tosh must live miles from Torchwood HQ if it took them three hours to get back to hers. [Either that, or her front door is really nearby, but her living room is three hours away. It is a very big flat, after all. - Steve]

Torchwood Three. Jack: “This time tomorrow he'll be back in 1918. Ianto: “His own time. Would you go back to yours if you could?” Troll. Jack: “Why - would you miss me?” Ianto: “Yep.” Aww, he is adorable. Jack: “I left home a long time ago... blah blah blah. I’ve seen things I never dreamt I'd see and loved people I'd never have known, and I wouldn't change that for the world.” Snoggage! (I've given up any hope of them explaining when Ianto went from 'you murdered my Robot Bikini Girlfriend' to 'I love you, Cap'n Jack' but it still bugs me.-Joel)

Tosh’s flat. They are post-coital sleeping. They were, anyway. Tommy: -“What did he tell you? What happens to me?” Tosh: “They send you back to France. Tommy: “Do they find my body?” Tosh touches his face. Tommy: “That's something.”

Aerial shot of Cardiff! There haven’t been many in this episode, have there?

Tosh's flat. Morning. She is already up. It's time.

Hospital. Team Torchwood have boxes with flashing red lights on. Jack: “We can't be here when it happens.” An alarm goes off. We hear some distant chanting. Jack: “We're safe for now.” The nurse ghost appears again. Tommy runs after her, but she's gone. "Where is she? In 1918." He is hearing things. He remembers that Torchwood 1918 took him and runs off. Tosh chases him. Tommy doesn't want to go back, but Jack says he has to. Tommy says they'll send him back to the front and Jack is just like the generals sending him over the top. Tosh says he has to. Tommy: “All this time I've had, it means nothing!” Tosh looks upset. Jack goes to talk to Tommy, with little success. Tosh asks him to leave them alone, and Jack does: “You've got two minutes.” Tommy shrugs Tosh off him, but she tries to sweet-talk him: “You're a hero, do you know that? Because you stop the timeshift and save everyone. You save us all.” Tommy: “I can't do it.” Tosh: “We need you.” Tommy: “I don't wanna be a hero. I want to stay here, with you.” It gets suddenly windy. They hug each other. Now they’re in 1918, in the scene we saw at the beginning. Tosh tells him to tell Torchwood 1918 what to do, because he's the only one who can stop it. Obviously, he tells them to take him. Bright light. They are back in 2008. Tosh: “Remember the rift key. Use it.” More kissing. Tosh: “You've got to get back into bed like you've never been away. Remember. It's nearly time.” It gets windy again, and Tommy walks into the rift. More bright light, and Tosh crying.

1918. Tommy is in a supply cupboard. The nurse tells him he shouldn't be in there.

2008. Team Torchwood run away.

1918. Gerald and Harriet [of Retro Team Torchwood - Carrie] tell Tommy they’re going somewhere safe. Tommy sees himself being taken away by Torchwood, but his earlier self doesn't see later him. That can cause all kinds of temporal problems. The nurse makes him go back to bed. Nurse: “Still warm at least. You’ve not been gone long.” Little does she know.

2008. Torchwood Three. Sirens. Gwen: “What's happening?” Tosh doesn't know. She has an aerial map of Cardiff on her monitor. Drink! It shows “chunks of the past erupting into the present” because Tommy hasn't used the rift key. Jesus, you train a guy up for 114 years, and what do you get? Jack wants to go back, but Owen has an idea of somehow going into Tommy's mind. Sorry, I’m a bit hazy on the details, perhaps because it sounds completely ridiculous. Tosh wants to do it because Tommy trusts her. The sirens have stopped now. It ruins the atmosphere when Owen is doing doctory things.

1918. Tommy is in bed. Tosh appears on his bed, but he doesn’t recognise her. Tosh: “I'm here to help you. Is this (the rift key) yours?” Tommy: “No.” Tosh: ”Do you know what it is?” Tommy: “It's a key”. Tosh: “You have to use it.” Although before she was talking simultaneously back in Torchwood, she isn't now, so the rest of the team don’t know what’s happening. Tosh: “You're not a coward.” Tommy: “What am I fighting for?” Tosh: “For the future. For me. Because you're my brave, handsome hero. Tommy, use the key.” He turns it. Some Dust comes out. More bright light.

Torchwood. Tosh tells them she did it.

Later, Tosh is folding Tommy's clothes away - for Ianto to put back in storage, I presume. Do these people never throw anything out? [Gwen's still there, isn't she? - Steve] Owen comes in as she seals them up. Jack comes over and is all, “Hey. Thank you.” I, for one, think he could have been a bit more effusive in his praise. Tosh nods and leaves.

Cardiff exterior. It’s raining. Owen has come out to talk to her, because he is New Man Caring Owen. Tosh: “He trusted me right to the end.” Owen: “Because you were strong. All of this is still here because of you.” Tosh: “Because of Tommy. Let's hope we're worth it.” Moby kicks in on the soundtrack again. Tosh smiles as she walks away. She’s probably thinking, “At least I got some."(Props to Naoko Mori here - the fluctuating between happy and sad was really well done.-Joel)

So, that’s it for this week. I think I got the short straw, because that may have been the dullest episode of Torchwood ever. Where was the humour? Gah. Next week - a car crash. Rhys. Gwen lying. Alien meat. Rhys in on it? A chained up alien. No Richard Briers yet. It’s bound to be better than this week, though.