Bitchwood

Someone else'll have to make the tea, then

2009-07-12T08:22:00.002-07:00

Episode 3.04: Day Four
TX: 9th July 2009

Previously on Torchwood: fuck all happened for two and a half hours, and then some invisible aliens arrived and said vaguely sinister things about stealing children, which it turns out Jack was complicit in back in the day. HORRA!

We're back in 1965 again, and Jack is driving a Land Rover along the road at night. A lady in a headscarf stands waiting for him, and confirms that this is the location "they" specified. She alludes to a virus which the aliens say can kill up to 25 million people, like when Spanish flu killed 5% of the human race in 1918. "I know, I WAS THERE," says Captain Jack, doing that thing where he stares blankly into the distance because that's what internal conflict looks like, apparently. Headscarf Lady exposits that the aliens are offering a cure for the virus - in exchange for some children. 12, to be precise. "What do they want them for?" asks Jack. Maybe they need one more football team for their schools' league? With an extra kid in case of injury? Hey, it could happen. Headscarf Lady says the aliens have said the children will live forever. Jack asks what they need him for: is it because he can't die, assuming the aliens are hostile? No, says Headscarf Lady: it's because he doesn't care. Oh, Headscarf Lady, that's just John Barrowman's acting.

Present day: Barrowman continues to do Distance Face while telling Gwen and Clem the story. "You just handed them over and hoped for the best?" says Gwen, incredulously. Back to 1965: an overly-lit Barrowman summons some kids to join "Uncle Jack". Footage of ADORABLE INNOCENT MOPPETS with music-box style melodies over the top, and an ovary going "ahh-ahh-ahh". I think that's every possible cliché checked off - nice work, Euros Lyn. Jack gets the kids out of the van and tells them to follow him for "an adventure". A bright light appears, and Jack tells them to walk into it. One (Clem, presumably) remains behind and asks if it's safe. Jack rather creepily fondles the back of his head and assures him that it is. WeeClem walks towards the light. "Keep going! You don't want to be left out, do you?" Jack urges. The light flashes, and the children vanish - all except WeeClem, who takes advantage of Jack and Headscarf Lady's temporary blindless to get the fuck out of there. Jack surveys the empty road. Headscarf Lady says that the 5-6-7-8 have sent the antivirus as they promised. She wonders if the children really are in paradise. I'm guessing not.

Present day: Clem tells Jack he's in every nightmare Clem's ever had. Yeah, I know that feeling. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry," says Jack. Unsurprisingly, Clem does not consider this to be adequate compensation and grabs Gwen's gun from its holster and shoots Jack in the chest. Gwen attempts to coax Clem to give her the gun, but he's appalled that she's on Jack's side and is therefore tainted. Then Clem gets all verklempt at having killed a man, and how he is now dangerous, despite having thought himself not to be. He hands the gun back to Gwen, who gives him a hug. Clem tells Gwen that back in 1965, Jack held his hand and tried to give him over to the aliens. Jack comes back to life; Clem wigs. Gwen tries to point out that this is normal, but Clem is having none of it and runs. Gwen chases him.

In another corner of the warehouse, Clem's cowering behind some debris. "You get to shoot first and ask questions later, how good is that?" smirks Gwen. Yeah, now's not the time for quips, Cooper. She manages to coax Clem back with her AMAZING PEOPLE SKILLS. Back in the main warehouse, Jack and Ianto are sitting in silence, until a clearly disturbed Ianto pipes up: "I can't believe you didn't mention this before." Jack says that the aliens didn't speak through kids back then, so he didn't recognise the signs at first. Clearly, this is not what Ianto was getting at, and he says as much, but before they can resolve it, they're interrupted by Rhys, Gwen and Clem. "The man who sent me and my friends to die can't die himself!" exclaims Clem. Yeah, karma's a bitch, isn't it?

Pat Kerrigan's HQ. "This is to do with Uncle Jack, isn't it?" says Steven, as Pat Kerrigan escorts him and his mother through a gloomy corridor. Alice tries to convince him that it's all a mistake and they'll be out soon. Pat exposits that Steven doesn't even know Captain Jack's his granddad, Alice points out that it would take some explaining, given how Mum looks older than Granddad. Except that isn't actually true, especially since Lucy Cohu is three years younger than John Barrowman, and the Botox hasn't really made Barrowman look younger, just tighter in the face. Alice exposits that she's being held as insurance against Captain Jack, but: "a man who can't die has got nothing to fear, so you watch it."

Jack's being quizzed: "It's a protection racket, you must've known they'd be back, but you still gave them the payoff?" asks Gwen. Jack explains that Clem and his cohorts were chosen because they wouldn't be missed. His only consolation in all this time was that the deal seemed to work. "Why was I left behind? What's wrong with me?" asks Clem. Gwen explains that they only want pre-pubescent kids, so maybe Clem was too close to puberty for the aliens' liking. And, yeah. This is really heading in a deeply dodgy direction right now, isn't it? "Saved by your hormones," adds Rhys.

Suddenly everyone's attention goes back to the laptop, which Ianto confirms is still recording. Malcolm, Bridget and Lois are returning to Floor 13 to consult with the Ambassador. Malcolm wants the aliens to clarify something: what do they intend to do with the children? "Somebody is watching. Some remnant," splutters the Ambassador, and Clem worries that it's talking about him. More squealing, more squelching. Lois visibly gulps. Malcolm explains that the video camera in the room is a feed to the prime minister, and he needs to know what will happen to the children. The Ambassador tells Malcolm to bring the camera into the gassy blue chamber. "It's hiding something," Clem tells Gwen.

Dekker puts the cameraman into a biohazard suit, and he walks through into the airlock. Bet you anything he's dead within the next two minutes. Malcolm and Dekker monitor his blood pressure and suchlike. Camera Guy steps out of the airlock and into the gassy blue chamber. The camera footage shows...blueness, mainly, until there are some grainy shots of the alien, which looks to be about seven feet tall and has snot dangling off its limbs. The readouts start to go crazy, and Dekker realises he can determine three separate heartbeats in the room: there's another lifeform in there. Malcolm tells Camera Guy to get closer. Camera Guy's like "easy for you to fucking say". But he moves tentatively closer to the Ambassador until he catches sight of a little green man back there. Everyone recoils. "No! No! No!" exclaims Clem. It's one of the kids from 1965, of course. "Is he conscious?" asks Rhys. Lois cries, which mists up the feed back to the laptop, something we can all clearly determine for ourselves, but for some reason John Fay feels the need to have Gwen explain it to ~~Clem~~ us anyway. Then the ambassador strikes violently, and Malcolm screams for them to get Camera Guy out of there, while Malcolm's voice plays soundbites like "4-5-6" and "off the record" on a loop coming from the alien. Camera Guy escapes the chamber and stripes out of his biosuit, and then takes off his t-shirt as well, despite there being no logical explanation for it other than he is quite buff and this is Torchwood, where no male should remain clothed any longer than strictly necessary.

"We do not harm the children," explains the Ambassador. "They feel no pain. They live long beyond their years." Gwen is not happy with this explanation. Jack is looking into The Distance again: "But we still don't know. What does it want them for?" Rhys quite rightly points out that it's a bit late in the day to be asking questions like that. The ambassador says that they've given their answer, and that Earth has one day left to round up 10% of its children. "And if we refuse?" asks Malcolm. "We will wipe out your entire species," replies the Ambassador.

The US general, a bit slow on the uptake, asks the PM if this means Britain has had dealings with these aliens before. The PM is all "yes, but I was a child at the time myself. No harm, no foul, amirite?" The General points out that the PM chose to kept those negotiations secret all the same. The PM's reply pretty much amounts to "yeah, my bad". The General informs the PM that the United Nations will hear of this. Tattletale.

Warehouse. Ianto approaches. He wants to know why Jack didn't tell him. Jack tells him he couldn't have helped. Ianto says that he tells Jack everything. Jack snarks, "yeah? So, tell me, what should I have done?" Ianto thinks that "the Jack he knew" would've stood up to them. "I've only just scraped the surface, haven't I?" he asks, sadly. Jack tells him that's all there is, and Ianto hits back that no, that's just what Jack pretends. and blah blah blah blah these two have NO FUCKING CHEMISTRY, seriously. Jack tries to run off, and Ianto calls him on it. Jack curtly informs him that he's off to phone Malcolm, and he can't do it from in the warehouse because the signal will be traced. The signal on my DVR breaks up temporarily, and I am spared having to listen to any more overwrought woobie dialogue. Hooray!

Malcolm answers the phone to Jack. He barks at Lois to bring him lots of strong coffee. Jack tells Malcolm that if he releases his family, they can work together. Jack tells Malcolm that it doesn't take a genius to work out that the 5-6-7-8 want more children. Just as well, really, because geniuses are in short supply on this show. Jack threatens Malcolm that if he has to stop him, he'll tell the world what's really going on, because there's too much at stake not to. The surveillance folks haven't got a hold on him, but will keep trying. Lois tells Malcolm the PM wants to see him.

Gwen spots that Lois is walking into Cabinet Office Briefing Room A (COBRA, for short), where emergency planning takes place. Team Torchwood huddle around the laptop. Gwen promises Jack that they'll rescue his family. Yes, because that's what's really important right now.

The PM has decided to make the 5-6-7-8 an offer: a realistic number, that they can manage, and then they'll see what happens. "You're going to haggle," translates an official. More exposition: the 5-6-7-8 must have a base of operations somewhere in orbit, but no one can find it. Attacking the gassy blue chamber would involve declaring a war they can't win.

Clem wigs that they're really going to do this. The PM says that every country will be making a "camouflagable" contribution. Malcolm asks Lois for the "FAS" file, from which he reads that there are 21 "units" available right away: the children of asylum-seekers - Gwen deduces that "FAS" stands for "Failed Asylum Seekers". They need more, of course: an official asks Malcolm to obtain 60, Malcolm thinks he can make it happen. The PM tells Malcolm to return to Thames House and make an offer of "60 units". You see? They no longer consider the children to be PEOPLE because they are JUST AS BAD AS THE ALIENS.

Malcolm frets in an official car. Wife Of Malcolm answers the phone to him: he tells her there's nothing to worry about, but he can't say more at this point. She asks if he's safe. He lies to her, a lot. She confirms they have bodyguards in place, to protect the VALUABLE NON-ASYLUM-SEEKING CHILDREN.

Malcolm returns to the Gassy Blue Chamber, and offers them one child per million people on the planet, which totals about 6700 altogether, and 62 from the UK. This is not acceptable to the Ambassador. Malcolm insists that it is "more than generous" and is their final offer. The ambassador starts chanting "three-two-five-zero-zero-zero".

Suddenly we're in Rhiannon's Overrun Daycare Centre, where Johnny is not helping her out as she runs around looking after stuff, and then the children start chanting the numbers in unison. Johnny wonders if these are the lottery numbers. Sigh. In the warehouse, Clem's chanting too. Gwen puts the number into Torchwood's Magic Über-Google to see if it's co-ordinates or what, as the news broadcasts that children in different countries are chanting different numbers: 448,000 in France, for example, or 2,340,000 in America.

Of course, 325,000 is 10% of the number of "units" (an official trips and almost says "children") in the UK. All the numbers being chanted by the children in each country amount to 10% in that country. Their final offer has clearly been rejected. One official suggests it's a handy solution to the growing population problems in the world, if they present it in the right way, blah blah spin.

Pat Kerrigan's HQ. She's taking a squad to That London to find out what's going on.

The PM announces they're facing the worst-case scenario, and there is no time for an ethical discussion: all they have time to discuss is how they would select these children, and how to transport them, and how to sell it to the voters. Malcolm does not want to make the selection himself, but obviously his department can take care of the red tape. One official says it has to be random, another points out that unless some of their children are involved somewhere, the public will never believe it was random. They all start snarking at each other because this is a Sensitive Issue. A steely Government Bitch says she's going to say what's on everyone's mind: if the lottery goes ahead, her kids aren't in it.

"Bastards!" barks Clem, back in the warehouse. One official suggests they put it to the vote to see if their kids get to be exempt, but the PM points out he has the authority to make the final decision: the children and grandchildren of everyone sat around that there table will be exempt. "What about nieces and nephews?" asks Government Bitch. The PM tells her not to push her luck, and everyone starts arguing again. Government Bitch outlines her plan: since the exemption puts the prospect of a fair lottery out of the picture, they should also exempt the decent kids who will go on to staff hospitals and so on, and just target the failing schools whose kids will all end up on the dole or in prison. John Fay looks over at his notepad and crosses "SOCIAL COMMENTARY" off his to-do list. "SUBTLETY", of course, remains in tiny print at the bottom of the page, entirely forgotten.

Warehouse. "We've got enough evidence recorded here to destroy every person in that room," Gwen points out. Barrowman's staring into The Distance again: "And we can use it to force our way into Thames House and finally get face to face with this thing." And get Jack's family back, Gwen adds, having just taken a stand against people who put the safety of their own relatives above that of the masses. Hypocritical bitch. Gwen wonders what'll happen if they can't get Lois to agree. Jack says that they'll just bully and drug her into submission like they do everyone else. Sorry: he says that she's "not let [them] down yet." Jack and Ianto hope in a sports car pointed at That London. Gwen messages Lois to tell her that they need her help. Still.

News montage. They've all figured out that the numbers are 10% of the percentage of children in their respective countries, and everyone's looking suspiciously at the UK, as well they might.

That London. Jack and Ianto arrive. Ianto tries to ring Rhiannon, but she can barely hear the phone above the hubbub. Ianto explains to her that the aliens want children, so whatever happens, she mustn't let anyone take her kids away. Ianto tells all the people listening in that it goes for them too: fuck the Official Secrets Act, they need to get the word out and tell everyone not to hand over their kids. Oh, well if they've all been told not to just hand over their kids, that's the problem sorted, isn't it? Because I'm sure the process was just to knock on a few doors and ask nicely to borrow someone's offspring, and to retreat if they resisted. Idiots. Ianto tells Rhiannon he loves her and the kids, and: "I'm even warming to Johnny a bit." Oh, all right: heh. Rhiannon tells Ianto she loves him too, but he's not there any more. GOSH, I HOPE HE DOESN'T DIE OR ANYTHING.

Warehouse. Gwen tells Rhys they need to mobilise, and sends him off, actually being nice to him for a change, but probably just because she wants something. Shrew. Pat Kerrigan's squad arrives in That London, but too late to catch Ianto. Surveillance Guy tells Pat that they've found an abandoned warehouse in the vicinity that used to be a holding facility for Torchwood One, where Ianto used to work until it got invaded by Cybermen who partially converted his girlfriend in an entirely incomprehensible way and left him to transport her to Cardiff and hide her in a basement until she emerged to wander around looking like an embarrassing cyber-wank fantasy in an episode that most of us wish we could unsee.

Malcolm is briefing the important types, because they need to cover their tracks and encourage participation: he suggests talking of an innoculation that will prevent the children from speaking in unison. When it goes wrong, they'll blame the aliens. Gwen stares at the laptop incredulously. Ianto rings Gwen, and the surveillance types spot Gwen's location on their fancy computers. Gwen messages Lois to tell her to get the plan into action. Meanwhile, the evil government types talk about how they act like they didn't know what was going on, because they are Shady Politicians From London, not Heroes From Beautiful Cardiff.

Lois raises her hand tentatively. No one is looking at her, of course, because she is unimportant. So she says "excuse me" and is fobbed off by the PM who says that this is not the time. Lois starts talking about how she is a voter and speaks on behalf of the many, and the Evil Jaded Politicians start rolling their eyes and talking about referendums and revolutionaries in the way that the rest of us might talk about late-running trains. One of the poor sods playing a Jaded Official is actually given the line "you and whose army?" to say, and of course, Lois replies "Torchwood". Bizarrely, the entire room does not burst out laughing, but actually seems quite scared. Clearly they have not actually dealt with Torchwood before. Lois tells them that Torchwood has been recording all these meetings, and will be making public everything that's been said unless they all do what Torchwood says. So expect all the government officials to get out a stopwatch and some video contact lenses and indulge in sexyfuntiems any minute now.

Pat Kerrigan arrives at the warehouse and her troops run in with guys which do not hire. Jack and Ianto arrive at Thames House and turn in their guns, also expecting that the word "Torchwood" will open any door necessary. Gwen turns to Pat Kerrigan, all "Mr Bond, I've been expecting you", and primly instructs Pat that she will be taking Gwen to Alice and Steven. If I were Pat, I'd have shot the snotty bitch there and then. Pat threatens this, but Gwen tells her that this would be a mistake, because of what they've been recording. Whatever, I still say shoot the bitch. Lois tells the PM that Captain Jack will be dealing with the 5-6-7-8. Gwen tells Pat Kerrigan that Rhys is concealed with the laptop in a secret location, ready to press send unless Pat does what Gwen tells her. JUST SHOOT HER, PAT, IF NOT FOR YOU THEN PLEASE DO IT FOR ME.

Thames House. Jack and Ianto are in the lift. On emerging, Jack hands Dekker a post-it (technical!) and tells him to feed the live TV pictures to that number. Ianto is here for absolutely no reason, by the way. Just pointing that out. Jack (and the spare) stride meaningfully towards the chamber. Jack tells the aliens they're not getting what they want this time. "You yielded in the past," sneers the Ambassador. That's what she said! Jack tells them he won't let it happen again, because an injury to one is an injury to all. Ianto tells them the deal is off, and continues to be superfluous. Jack tells them that everything has been recorded, and that the tapes will be released to the public unless the aliens leave for good. The Ambassador repeats: "You yielded in the past, you will do so again." Jack tells the Ambassador that when word gets out, the entire human race will be carrying arms and out for extraterrestrial blood. Wow, I bet they're quaking in their space boots. Ianto drops Jack's name and tells them what they're up against.

The Ambassador starts waffling on about infant mortality rates and how the human race adapts to it. Jack tells them that they're adapting right now by making it a war. "Then the fight begins," replies the Ambassador. Suddenly alarms go off all over the building, sealing all the doors. Ianto gets a "HO SHIT" look on his face, because he knows what's coming. Jack asks the Ambassador what gives. "You wanted a demonstration of war; a virus has been released. It will kill everyone in the building," is the reply. Watching the footage over in COBRA1, Malcolm reveals that the building is designed to withstand chemical attack: nothing can get in - or out. "Happy now?" snarks the PM at Lois. Hee. People flee Thames House, trampling others underfoot. Jack tells waiting sentries that the air is poisoned, so they should turn off the air con and shut down the air vents and get gas masks. He doesn't sound terribly perturbed.

Ianto gets his gun out and tells them to release the antivirus that they must obviously have (why?), and that if they don't release it now, he'll blow the tank wide open. The alien tells them that they are dying even now. Jack and Ianto open fire. Not much happens. Then suddenly high pitched screeches burst out, causing Clem to cover his ears in agony. Liz screams at Pat Kerrigan to turn off the sound.

Jack turns to Ianto and tells him that they have to get him out, because he's not indestructible like Jack. Ianto replies that it's too late. Jack screams "NOT HIM!" at the aliens, which again: so much for the 'people who prioritise their loved ones over the good of the masses are villains' philosophy. Finally the total lack of chemistry between Jack and Ianto causes the latter to collapse onto the ground.

In the warehouse, Clem is freaking out. Pat Kerrigan looks concerned. Clem start s to bleed from the nose. "The remnant will be disconnected," intones the Ambassador, and then Clem stops screaming. Gwen lays him down, and then informs Pat Kerrigan that he's dead. She puts her head in her hands contemplating the fate of Clem, Jack and Ianto - unfortunately, at this moment Paul Copley visibly continues to breathe behind her. Hee.

People continue to flee the building. Some do not make it. An ovary wails. It is all very sad. Dekker straps himself into a biosuit. Those who did not expire on their way to the doors find the doors to be locked. Oh dear.

Ianto is busy dying. Jack tells him it's his fault. Ianto says that it isn't. Ianto weeps that he loves Jack, and his eyes close. Jack begs him to stay with him, strokes his face, etc. Ianto whimpers "don't forget me" and Jack tells him he never could. "In a thousand years time, you won't remember me," Ianto insists. "I promise, I will," Jack tells him. I'd find this all a lot more moving if it hadn't taken Ianto under ten episodes to forget that he swore he was going to kill Jack and would never forgive him for murdering his Sexy Robot Girlfriend, so I'm not hugely convinced that Ianto's death is going to leave a lasting imprint on Jack's consciousness. Anyway, Ianto dies, and fangirls weep, but Barrowman does not. "He will die," intones the Ambassador. "And tomorrow your people will deliver the children." Jack kisses Ianto's cold, dead lips. He gets exactly the same reaction as he did when Ianto was alive. Told you they had no chemistry. Jack slumps to the floor.

COBRA1. Everyone's looking a bit guilty. "What now?" asks the PM. They have two choices: to fight an enemy they can't beat, or fight their own people for the greater good. Government Bitch thinks they should surrender. The PM looks conflicted, but tells Malcolm to start putting his plan into action.

Gwen is led into a room full of bodybags and directed to numbers 13 and 14. She pulls the covers off Jack, and pulls a "well, he'll be back soon enough" face. She uncovers a pallid Ianto just as Jack returns to life. Gwen weeps quietly. Jack puts his arms around her. Gwen whispers that there's nothing they can do.

Next time: Torchwood versus the Government. The children are rounded up. Gwen records a video to show how the world ends. Jack stares Into The Distance some more.

The gift that keeps on giving

2009-07-09T15:00:00.000-07:00

Episode 3.03, Day Three
Tx Wednesday 8th July 2009

Previously on Torchwood - Pat Kerrigan failed to kill all of Torchwood! Peter Capaldi was confused! Children were coming, and so was Clem! Gwen is pregnant and a bitch!

Cardiff, thankfully, is still beautiful. Ianto declares that a warehouse is "home". News reports across the world keep ON AND ON about the BLOODY CHILDREN. Rhys nearly immolates himself, and Gwen complains about being cold. We learn that the warehouse is an old "holding facility". Jack complains about having to wear a t-shirt and trackie bottoms, because he would rather be naked and waving his cock around. Jack lets slip that he knew Gwen was pregnant before Rhys did. Dear dear.

More tedious news reports. Children are under curfew, effective immediately. This is a great idea and ought to be introduced immediately. Home Office dogsbodies survey the television; Lois looks concerned.

Ianto's sister is happy because Ianto is alive; she is less happy about a lactose-intolerant child who is joining her impromptu childminding service.

Jack's daughter tries to ring Jack again. He is in the warehouse with the others, itemising what it is they have left after the KABOOM bomb. Well, you don't have a pterodactyl any more. Gwen suggests that they Live Outside The Law. Fucking hell. I think we can guarantee Torchwood will be the worst criminals of all time.

And indeed they are. They perform horrific acts of non-stealth and steal many things including a twatty car that will not serve as the new Torchwoodmobile because it is too small.

Jack's daughter steals the phone of a young woman and rings the police, who start tracing her call, obviously, as soon as she mentions the name "Captain Jack Harkness". Pat Kerrigan is fascinated to learn that Alice's identity is fake, and instructs her minions to find out who she is.

The Torchwood team return to the warehouse to assess their ill-gotten gains. Ianto has stolen clothes, because he is NOT GAY but just LIKES FASHION. Jack has a new military coat and is happy. Everyone whoops. I really hate the Torchwood team.

Clem is in a pub and putting together his small change to buy alcohol. He wails about being able to smell them. Everyone in the pub fears him. The landlady calls the police.

Jack starts trawling teh interwebz and teh databasez for the names Clem mentioned as being on the same trip as him back in the day. Gwen stalks Lois, who isn't all that happy about the prospect of being charged with treason. Gwen points out that she is not bearing in mind the fact that AS LONG AS IT HELPS GWEN, IT IS FINE, and gives her the magic camera contact lenses to wear. Lois keeps saying, "I can't!" and Gwen keeps begging, "Please!" Give her some pheromone spray, Gwen, that's how you Torchwood people usually force randoms to your will.

Ianto asks Jack how it felt getting blown...up. Oh, I thought we were going somewhere else for a second there. It wasn't good, apparently. Jack says he is a fixed point in time and space and will be immortal forever. Ianto says ominous things about him not being immortal and having to die one day and needing to make the most of their time together. Oh, IANTO. You may as well have written a big sign saying KILL ME PLEASE. They find out that Clem has been arrested in Camden in That London, and Ianto performs some exposition about the kids not arriving in Plymouth when expected. Jack asks Ianto to show photos of the other people killed the same day as him - and then we get some subtle tortured Barrowman acting.

Home Office have worked out that Alice is Jack's daughter and that she has a son of her own. Peter Capaldi tells Pat Kerrigan to "bring her in". She is happy. Lois, meanwhile, begs to help, and lies that Mr Frobisher wants her "at his side", as detailed in a private conversation. Least. Convincing. Lie. Ever. Bridget says that Lois is not the first and can come along, because the Home Office make provision for mistresses in meetings.

Gwen rings PC Andy and asks him to release Clem, and she will stand bail. He does so. She goes to get Clem, who would be entirely justified in telling her to piss off because she was so rude to him last time they met, but he just cries instead. Possibly because Gwen has just arrived.

Alice is evidently uneasy in her house, and tells her son that they are leaving immediately, and he must be quiet. She grabs a small armoury, they leg it out of the back door, and really rubbish SAS-types burst in through their front door. The SAS types then chase her and the son down the road, carrying guns but NOT ACTUALLY USING THEM. This is because Pat Kerrigan does not want her dead, as she informs her. Then the son begins to point at the sky because aliens are here!

And yes, children across the world are doing the same thing. As is Clem. They are all pointing at That London, because that is where everything important happens, as Gwen told us yesterday. The civil servants work out that they are pointing at Thames House.

And then a bloody great big fireball descends from the skies, and Peter Capaldi scurries around to watch it. There is much brightness and shielding of eyes. Then it all goes quiet - and then the children announce, "We are here." They giggle in a sinister fashion and carry on with their business.

Peter Capaldi is looking appalled and scared. A disembodied voice demands that he speak. Peter Capaldi gives his name, rank and serial number, and welcomes the aliens on behalf of humanity. A squealing and jellified squelching indicates that the alien is not entirely impressed. On the plus side, they're happy to be called the 4-5-6. Peter Capaldi asks them what it is they actually want. The response? "The world." Riiight. This is because they want to speak. Peter Capaldi gibbers bureaucratic civil service nonsense, because that's what goes down well with aliens who want to take over the world. Oh, and then he adds a condition - also a good move - talking about the 4-5-6's previous visit to Earth, which should be kept "off the record". You're not talking to a tame lobby journalist NOW, Tucker!

Ianto and Rhys watch the news reports, which talk of a "pillar of fire" in London - somewhat poetic, but we'll let it go. Cut to a kind of cabinet meeting - The president of the USA via his military representative we saw on Day One is angry because the alien landing was planned and they are in London. And UNIT are pissed off too. Everyone agrees to put the civil service in general and the expendable Peter Capaldi in particular in the firing line by acting as the intermediaries between humankind and teh alienz.

The Capaldi wife clunks around in her kitchen doing domestic things and chatting on the phone. She fails to notice the big American in a military greatcoat lurking by the wall. He steals her mobile, and then leaves.

Clem is in a car with Gwen, and witters about smelling a man he knew would come back for him. Concubine Lois is sitting quietly pre-meeting and Bridget is bitching. Jack rings Peter Capaldi on his wife's phone and there is exposition about 1965 - they have come back. "All of us dead, so no-one could say anything," says Captain Jack, and Capaldi agrees. Jack wants in to Thames House and wants to talk to the 4-5-6. He thinks he has an excellent bargaining chip until he learns that the Home Office have his daughter and grandson.

Gwen has taken Clem to the warehouse to meet Rhys. Ianto takes offence to being called a "queer" - Clem knows he is a queer, because he can smell it. The subtlety of the script is such that I could cry.

Peter Capaldi is preparing for his negotiation while Team Torchwood wibble about Lois not having her lenses in yet. Of course, she makes a quick excuse to nip to the ladies and bung them in. Gwen types messages to her without using apostrophes - just another reason to loathe her. We learn that Rhys has tried the contact lenses for "fun", as has Ianto. Torchwood: epitome of professionalism.

Lois opens her eyes very wide as she enters the negotiating room, all the better for Gwen to type bossy messages to her. Clem, watching the London activities on the Torchwood laptop, says he can't smell anything at that distance. Capaldi begins tedious bureaucratic narrative of greeting, which are accepted by the 4-5-6. There's more squealing and squelching for reasons unknown. Capaldi asks if he should continue - and yes, he should. He asks that children should not be used as a means of communication - and yes, that's fine. He then wants to know why the 4-5-6 chose lovely Great Britain - and that is because they have no significance. Gwen says this is a lie, because the 4-5-6 have been here before, and Team Torchwood surmise that Capaldi and the 4-5-6 are collaborating. The 4-5-6 want a gift, which is a bit presumptuous, particularly when that gift is "your children". Clem is very upset: "He's coming back!" Gwen tells him to shut up, because she's a bitch, and then we discover that Clem is scared of Captain Jack. The 4-5-6 are still talking about a tithe of the earth's children - ten per cent should do it.

Clem's still scared of Jack, who is "THE SAME - how can he be the same?" Barrowman does some more subtle acting - it was he who shepherded the children into the light in 1965, and it was easier if you didn't know their names. Jack confesses that he gave the aliens the children they asked for back in the day, as a gift.

Whoa. Next time - moar children! Moar Capaldi! Moar Kerrigan! Moar fake computers!

The big bang theories

2009-07-09T11:39:00.000-07:00

3.02 - Day Two
TX: Tuesday 7th July 2009

Previously: all the children in the world were coming simultaneously. Oh, and one man too, who told Gwen she was pregnant. Gwen then told Jack before she told Rhys. Worrabitch. We learned about the 4-5-6. Ianto came out to his sister Rhiannon in an "I'm only gay for Jack" way, Malcolm Tucker had some dodgy conversations in the Home Office, a temp called Lois discovered a plot to kill Jack (hooray!) and Jack was da bomb. Literally. Torchwood go boom!

Massive Steaming Crater Where Torchwood Three Used To Be. Gwen scrambles to her feet in a state of panic and temporary deafness (as opposed to temporary deadness, which is what Jack generally has) and trips frenziedly across the rubble looking for the others, but is dragged screaming from the site by two paramedics, who thrust her reluctant ass into an ambulance. One of the paramedics notes that "control said no survivors" (you mean apart from the feral one lying right in front of you?) and as one of them holds Gwen down while the other fills a syringe with what I hope is a sedative powerful enough to knock her out for the next four nights, Gwen bites the former's arm and then punches him in the nads. Those must be those impressive people skills of hers. She then batters both of them with a fire extinguisher and steals guns from both of them (since this is Beautiful Cardiff and not Grimy London, I think this means they're not real paramedics) and prepares to exit.

Not so fast, however, because a distant sniper sitting on top of what I presume is the Millennium Centre (it's dark and kind of hard to tell) [those BASTARDS, preventing us from seeing the BEAUTY OF CARDIFF properly - Carrie] lines Gwen up in his sights, the red laser shining right into her eye. Action Gwen leaps out of the ambulance before he can pull the trigger, firing a couple of retaliation shots in his general direction. Having done that, she hotfoots it into the front of the ambulance and puts her foot down, discarding one of the paramedics onto the streets of Beautiful Cardiff in the process.

Ianto is crawling his way out of the wreckage (suit still looking immaculate, if a little dust-covered) and barely has time to catch his breath before the sniper starts firing at him as well, missing by quite some distance each time. Seriously: worst sniper ever. Ianto runs. Run, Ianto, run! Elsewhere: Gwen keeps driving. The Worst Sniper In The World abandons his post and starts chasing Ianto. Ianto runs in a sort of school sports day fashion, which is rather at odds with the fact that there's a man behind him trying to kill him off. But then perhaps Ianto has realised that this chap appears to be drunk on the job and doesn't really feel that threatened. Who knows? Eventually, Ianto finds a corner and dives for cover.

Malcolm Tucker's house. His wife brings the kids some tea. The phone rings. "I've got to take this," apologises Malcolm. "After what just happened?" says The Wife, incredulously. "Because of it," replies Malcolm. He takes the call: it's Pat Kerrigan, informing him that "Target 1" has been eliminated, while "Targets 2 and 3" have escaped, but they're in pursuit. Malcolm Tucker stresses that they can't afford to leave witnesses, and exhorts Pat Kerrigan to call him when Ian2 and Gw3n have been taken care of. As he hangs up, there's a knock at the door. It's Dekker. The Wife is escorting The Kids up to bed, and marks their caller with suspicion. Dekker tells Malcolm that he's brought "the translations".

Malcolm Tucker's kitchen. Apparently the aliens want the earthlings to build something for them, pronto. Malcolm Tucker asks why they would do such a thing. Dekker channels his inner Billie Piper and answers "because they want to (scare us)".

Some distance away, Gwen brings the ambulance to a screeching halt and grabs the guns out of the passenger seat. In the back, the remaining 'paramedic' fumbles for the syringe he filled earlier and hides it about his person. Gwen lurches into view and asks him who he works for. Judging by the fact that he carries a gun and appears to be answering to Pat Kerrigan, I'm guessing the answer isn't "Cardiff PCT". Gwen puts a gun to his head and repeats her question. "The NHS?" answers the 'paramedic'. Gwen's not fooled: she fires just to the right of his head and screams her question at him once more. The 'paramedic' says that he works for the government and is "just following orders". [Ceased being a valid defence circa 1946 - Carrie] Gwen's momentarily confused that they're on the same side, and he takes this opportunity to attempt to plunge the syringe into her arm, but Supergwen is too quick for him, of course, and blocks his attempt while shooting him in the foot. "Why would the government want to destroy Torchwood?" shrieks Gwen. Because you're a bunch of bumbling oversexed morons who've come close to destroying the world on several occasions as a result of your incompetence? Just a theory. Sadly, we're not getting any answers because this chap's "just following orders". As sirens ring in the distance, Gwen legs it.

Massive Steaming Crater Where Torchwood Three Used To Be. Pat Kerrigan is stomping around like she owns the place - which for all I know, she does. Poor PC Andy is forced to crack an appalling joke that's entirely beneath him: "If she's anti-terrorist, I would not mind being Uncle Terrorist." Oh, PC Andy. I hope you got a decent price when you SOLD YOUR SOUL TO THIS SHOW. Pat Kerrigan instructs a couple of heavily armoured extras to track down and capture Gwen and Ianto. PC Andy's ears prick up at the mention of Gwen's name, and he tells Pat Kerrigan that she's an ex-police officer, not a terrorist. Pat Kerrigan snorts in derision, but realises that Andy must know where Gwen lives. (Really? I can probably count on one hand the number of work colleagues I've ever had whose addresses I knew. Is that wrong?)

Casa Fertility. Rhys is asleep with a book perched on top of his chest, waking with a start when Gwen bursts in. "Get up, get dressed, we've got to get out of here!" she insists. Rhys, predictably, wants to know what's going on. Gwen tells him that someone's trying to kill her, "and if they're after me, they're going to come after you." I don't see why: I've had murderous thoughts about Gwen Cooper on many occasions, but they've never extended towards Rhys. Anyway, Rhys gets up. Gwen yells at him to go faster. [There's a joke to be made about the conception of their child but I can't think of it. - Carrie]

Police van. PC Andy is giving them directions to Gwen's house, and wondering why there's not been any kind of briefing or risk assessment.

Casa Fertility. Gwen howls at Rhys to tell her where the car keys are - he replies that they're on top of the fridge, which Gwen has already established is not the case, causing Gwen to gripe that if they left them in the same place all the time, they wouldn't have this problem. Of course, if you didn't do shady work for top secret government organisations just because you think you're it, you also wouldn't have this slightly more pressing other problem, you horrible woman. Rhys appears with a mobile phone and a book and says it's his packing; Gwen snorts that he won't have time to read and his phone can be traced. Rhys points out he hasn't gone into hiding before.

Ianto goes into a phonebox, while PC Andy presses the heavily armoured extras for more details regarding their origins. Oh, PC Andy. They don't have their equity cards, you'll find no answers here. He seeks reassurance that they're not going in all guns blazing; Pat Kerrigan and the extras charge their cartridges in response. Hee.

Casa Fertility. The phone rings, and Rhys idiotically runs to answer it, prompting an apoplectic fit from Gwen. It's Ianto, of course, asking if they've heard from Jack. Gwen hasn't, of course, but Ianto theorises that he lived: "he usually does". They swap bits of exposition relating to the mysterious government 'paramedic' and how Rupesh planted the explosives inside Jack. Rhys finds the car keys and Gwen tells him to get out and start the car. She arranges to meet Ianto in a Welsh place I'm sure I can't spell. Then Gwen asks him if he remembers the last time they had ice cream together, and Ianto can't, because ice cream gives him a headache. Presumably this will be relevant later.

Gwen runs into the street just as Pat Kerrigan's police truck comes around the corner; Gwen fires a few shots at the armoured vehicle and then jumps into the passenger seat while Rhys drives away. "Now do you believe she's a terrorist?" snips Pat Kerrigan. The armoured car attempts to give chase, but it has four flat tyres. So Gwen can get four perfect shots in, but a professional sniper can't hit a man who runs like he's wearing concrete shoes? This fucking show, sometimes.

Some distance away, Rhys stops the car. Gwen insists that they ditch it so they can't be traced, while Rhys cries that it's a brand new car. Torchwood obviously offers a very competitive salary. Rhys asks if they shouldn't give themselves up and tell someone what's happened, but Gwen replies that she's not doing that until she knows what's going on. Rhys says she should at least let him carry the bag so she's got her trigger finger free. That's sweet, in a sick sort of way. Gwen seems to think so, anyway.

Ianto's sister's house. The special ops break in, scaring the shit out of Rhiannon and the kids. They burst into the master bedroom, where Ianto's flabby brother-in-law informs them they certainly will not find Ianto in his bed. [Because Ianto's brother-in-law LIKES GIRLS. - Carrie] Ianto is, in fact, walking the streets, being followed by someone in a VW van. Ianto looks momentarily terrified until he realises they're delivering newspapers. He waits for them to pass and grabs an early edition. The headline reads: "Message to the world: 'we are coming'."

Malcolm Tucker's house. He tells his daughters to keep their phones on so he can speak to them if he needs to. The Wife has had enough of being kept in the dark - she's put up with him hiding behind the Official Secrets Act before, but has no truck with that when it affects her kids in her house. Malcolm assures her it's over, but she's having none of it. Malcolm goes to leave for work, but the kids call him back, chanting in unison: "we want a pony". Heh.

Grubby Street, somewhere. Clem is walking. He picks up a different paper to the one Ianto was reading, though the front page is much to the same effect. Jack's daughter from yesterday (whose name is Alice, according to the website) is watching TV with her son, a news report about the explosion. The kid recognises Cardiff as "where Uncle Jack lives", though she assures him that it's a big place. She stops short, however, of giving the full mandated broadcast from the Cardiff Tourist Board. Wow, this must be serious.

Home Office. Lois arrives for work, and sees the reports of the explosion. Looking a bit shifty, she logs on to the info network using the purloined password and logs back onto NotWikipedia to find out more about Torchwood. Seeing the location of the bomb on the news, and the location of Torchwood Three on the computer, she quickly makes the connection. She clicks back to the order to kill Jack.

Malcolm Tucker is having a conversation with the prime minister, explaining how Jack's immortality is thought to be connected to the Torchwood Hub, which is why they blew it up. They're waiting to see if it worked. The topic turns to the building plans they got from the 5-6-7-8, which neither of them can understand, and Malcolm says that work has begun. A work in progress will be ready by 1600 hours, apparently. Malcolm asks if 5-6-7-8 contacted any other country. Apparently, it did not. Malcolm wonders how long it can be kept secret - since the children were saying "we are coming back", when were the visitors here before? Malcolm expresses his gratitude to the PM for trusting him with the responsibility. Au contraire: the PM tells him he's just been put on the front line, where he'll be the first to fall. Ouch.

Massive Steaming Crater Where Torchwood Three Used To Be. Pat Kerrigan is sneering down into it. The firemen investigating the wreckage find an arm, but no body attached to it, apparently. Alice dials Jack's number, but obviously there's no reply. She leaves a message, asking him to call her.

Home Office. Bridget and Lois are getting ready to leave. Pat Kerrigan calls Malcolm Tucker to tell him they've found "an arm, a shoulder, and the remains of a head - it's almost a waste of a bodybag." He asks if it's Captain Jack Harkness; she presumes so. Hey, where's Myfanwy in all of this? Why is no one looking for her? [You'd think they'd notice a fucking great pterodactyl flying round Cardiff. - Carrie] Lois is blatantly eavesdropping and asks if this is the same Captain Jack Harkness who called yesterday, since he said he could help. "Not now he can't," replies Malcolm. Lois insists that Jack said his team were the experts in this field. "He always was an arrogant sod," sniffs Bridget. Yay Bridget! Malcolm informs Lois that the bomb in Cardiff blew Jack to pieces. Lois wonders if the people behind the bomb are also behind the children stopping; Bridget snaps at her to mind her place.

In Jack's absence, Ianto is now standing on rooftops, spying on Pat Kerrigan and the teeny bodybag. (Not the same Bodybag she was in prison with, obviously.) He notes down the address of the van driving off with Jack's supposed remains in it.

Rhiannon's house. Johnny is repairing the front door. Some surveillance types photograph him getting a paper from the paperboy. As he walks inside and opens the paper, an envelope falls out. Young David remarks, "It'll be from Uncle Ianto," then adds conspiratorially, "Sssh. We're probably bugged." Heh: cute. John complains loudly about the intrusion and broadcasts to the neighbourhood that the terror caused David to wet the bed; meanwhile, Rhiannon reads Ianto's note, which says "where dad broke my leg, at noon. Bring laptop." What, too busy to write "please"? Even "pls" would've done at a pinch. Rhiannon wonders why things were so bad Ianto couldn't come in person, and a surprisingly empathetic Johnny tells her they're the only family Ianto has.

Pat Kerrigan's HQ. Heavily armoured extras drag the body remains into a cell. Cut to Alice, trying to call Jack again, still getting no reply. Elsewhere, Rhys is taking money out from a cashpoint, but a surveillance team is tracking them via satellite and CCTV. Rhys realises that they've frozen his account as well as Gwen's, and asks her what they're going to do now. Gwen's answer is that they must go to London, which exasperates Rhys: "everything's dearer in London!" Gwen theorises that whoever wants them dead will also be in London, because that's where all the decisions are made. O-kay, then. ["The people who want to kill us are in That London! LET'S GO THERE!" Srsly. - Carrie]

Not At All Beautiful London. Malcolm, Bridget and Lois are on their way to a meeting. This apparently is just here to prove Gwen's point.

Pat Kerrigan's HQ. There's no change in Jack's condition, but there have been queries about whether it's okay now to release Rupesh's body to his family. Pat Kerrigan hones in on the screen monitoring Jack, and we zoom in. It appears to be inflating. Oh dear God, he's regenerating. Pat Kerrigan and the one accomplice who gets to speak go to check it out; when they open the bodybag, it's a gruesome skeleton covered in blood and guts. "It was a bag of bits when we came in," states Pat Kerrigan unnecessarily. She demands her minion cuff it to the wall, a job he doesn't look too pleased about. She rings Malcolm Tucker to tell him the not-so-good news. "If he can survive that, what can't he survive?" she wonders. A week where he's not allowed to get his cock out? It's worth a shot. Malcolm Tucker asks if they've found Ianto or Gwen yet - Pat Kerrigan replies that there's no sign of Ianto yet, but they've spotted Gwen. Malcolm informs her that they have to be out of action by tonight. Malcolm and Bridget go to inspect the 5-6-7-8 construction, but poor Lois has to wait outside. So why did they bring her? Isn't she supposed to be doing data entry?

Rhys is breaking into the back of someone else's lorry, and mocking the owner's pitiful security system into the bargain. They hop on board, though their hopes of finding sustenance are foiled when the cargo turns out to be raw spuds. The driver returns, finds the gap where they crept in, but does nothing more than poking his head through before satisfying himself that he doesn't have any stowaways, Rhys and Gwen having crawled out of sight by this point. He reattaches the clasp, and they're off. London, ho!

Rough estate. Johnny and a bunch of local hoodlums go up to the surveillance car to ask them what gives. When the surveillance guys decline to answer, Johnny baits the others into denouncing them as perverts and attacking the car - which is really all a ruse to allow Rhiannon to drive off unnoticed. Slick!

Pat Kerrigan's HQ. They're watching Jack regenerate. It looks painful. Almost as painful as watching Barrowman try to act it.

Gwen and Rhys are still on their way to Non-Beautiful London, and Gwen mentions in a loaded sort of fashion that she's feeling queasy. "Travelsick, is it?" asks Rhys. Gwen points out that she's never been the travelsick sort. Rhys remains oblivious, so Gwen drops some anvil-like hints until he cottons on that she's up the duff. [Three weeks, though. Morning sickness doesn't normally kick in till month two. Please don't ask me how I know this. - Carrie] Rhys is jubilant, until he realises all the deeply physical activities Gwen has been doing in her fragile state. Gwen insists that this changes nothing, that they're still up shit creek and minus a paddle. "But now there's three of us in the boat," corrects Rhys.

Rhiannon's waiting in the playground with the laptop as Ianto arrives behind her. She assures him that she wasn't followed. "You cracked my code, then," he reasons. Well, it wasn't that hard, you ninny. Rhiannon insists that their dad didn't break his leg on purpose. "He pushed me too hard. He always did," woobies Ianto. He tells Rhiannon that he and his colleagues were the targets of the bomb, that Gwen is alive but uncontactable, and Jack is missing, presumed overacting. Rhiannon prods him to ask if this Jack is the one he was seen having a gay public meal with. And then the children stop. Dun dun dun!

Lorry. Rhys likes Edward for a boy's name, after the King. Lulz. [I have literally only just got that gag. - Carrie] They come to a stop, because there are static children in the road. They begin chanting "we are coming - TOMORROW". Clem is also chanting this in a pub. Bridget breaks the news to Malcolm Tucker, who starts perspiring. Ianto deduces that the children stopping has something to do with the reason they were bombed, as that's what they were working on when it happened. Back in the pub, a barmaid is repeating to Clem what he was just saying, and Clem is greatly distressed. They are coming tomorrow, and he can smell them, apparently. Unsurprisingly, the people in the street think he's a mental.

In the playground, Ianto runs up to a little girl to ask her what happened, but the mother calls him a pervert and drags the girl away. Rhiannon ascertains that the same thing has been happening everywhere again, and Ianto explains to her in a vague sort of way that this is the sort of thing he deals with, and asks her for the laptop so he can track the van that took Jack away, and also her car keys. He then runs (well, "runs") off. "A thank you would be nice!" yells Rhiannon. From a Torchwood employee? You'll be lucky, dear. She yells at him to be careful as he drives off.

London. Lois and Bridget are fielding calls. Lois hands Malcolm two calls on hold: one from the Home Secretary and one from his wife. Hard to say which is scarier at this point. The phone rings again: this time it's Gwen, wanting to speak to Malcolm. The mention of Torchwood causes Lois to bring up NotWikipedia again. Lois tells Gwen that she can't put her through because Malcolm is very busy, and Gwen starts getting hoity-toity about how if Lois knows what Torchwood is, then she'll know why the call is important. Lois asks Gwen why the government would be trying to kill people who can help, and that's what Gwen wants to know. Malcolm appears from his office and Lois minimises the Torchwood page; he wants her to call his wife. When he disappears, Lois agrees to set up a meeting for Gwen.

Gwen and Rhys are waiting for Malcolm in a café. Malcolm does not arrive, but Lois does. Gwen wants to know where Malcolm is. Lois says that this is probably the biggest mistake she's ever made (I'm sure a lot of people say that about their first encounter with Gwen Cooper too), but she's read their files and thinks they're all unsung national heroes. Gwen snips that she doesn't sign autographs, and wants to know why she's talking to Lois and not her boss. "Because," says Lois gravely, "if he knew you were here, you'd be dead. He gave the order to have Jack Harkness killed." Lois asks if Gwen recognises the other names of the people who were killed on the same day as Jack Harkness on Malcolm Tucker's orders. She's appalled at the idea that she signed the Official Secrets Act to cover up murders, and wants to know what's going on. "If you're the good guys, why doesn't it say that on your file?" asks Lois. "And if you're the good guys, who am I working for?" Rhys cuts the conversation short because they're arousing suspicion by not having ordered. This is, I'm sure, prompted by his devotion to national security and not by his rumbling belly. He explains to Lois that they have no money, so she spots him £20. Gwen asks for steak pie, chips, and a cup of tea. Lois asks for a latte, because she is a Poncey London Type. Rhys goes off to get the food. Gwen, in a rare show of humility, thanks Lois for helping them out. Lois, having now apparently disregarded her signature on the Official Secrets Act, tells Lois that everyone thinks that the children are linked to aliens, and that something weird is being build on the roof of MI5, though she doesn't know what. Gwen asks if there's any news about Jack and Ianto. Lois says that there's nothing on Ianto, but Jack's apparently dead. Gwen, of course, refuses to believe this, and so does Lois: why would Malcolm be asking someone to keep tabs on a dead man?

The answer, of course, is unfolding at Pat Kerrigan's HQ: Jack's regenerated, and Barrowman's lying there buck-naked. My eyes! He demands to know the name of his captor, so Pat Kerrigan makes herself known to him. Since he can't die, she's not going to tell him anything, she's just going to keep him trapped in a bunker. Fair enough. She walks off, and a pipe chucks cement in on top of Naked Barrowman, who screams. Ianto is watching from a distance. Kinky!

Back in That London, Lois hands Gwen a floorplan of where Jack's being kept. Gwen asks how they get inside. Lois, who's quite the shrewd operator, tells her that Rupesh's body is being picked up today, and that hijacking a funeral operator is easier than getting access to a maximum security compound, and hands Gwen everything she needs to put the plan into action. "I'm a PA. This is what I do," she offers, by way of explanation. "When this is all over, and you want a job? Come and see me," says Recruitment Officer Gwen. Lois smiles.

Next thing we know, Gwen and Rhys have bundled the undertaker into a coffin and stolen his hearse, assuring him that it's all in the national interest. I bet that's a huge comfort to the naked, terrified man you've just abandoned in the woods.

The PM meets Malcolm and Bridget at MI5. He asks if there's been any further information; Malcolm says they have operators on the 5-6-7-8 wavelength round the clock, but nothing's coming back. We finally see what they're building; it looks like a bizarre glass-panelled operating chamber. Dekker grins in a sinister fashion.

Gwen and Rhys arrive at Pat Kerrigan's HQ and pass the security gate. They meet with their contact, who apparently doesn't recognise Terrorist Threat Gwen Cooper even though she's made no attempt to disguise herself. Gwen walks through the mortuary with the Slow-Witted Soldier, who begins to wonder if he knows her from somewhere. They let Rhys in through the fire doors, and the Slow-Witted Soldier, who is of course dazzled by Gwen's moxie, asks Rhys if Gwen's seeing anyone. Rhys explodes that she's married and pregnant, despite Gwen's silent protests, and it looks like the Slow-Witted Soldier has sussed...that they're a couple. Wow, someone's recruitment policy is seriously lacking an IQ test.

They unzip the bodybag of poor pretty dead Rupesh as Gwen pulls out her sonic pen and switches off the CCTV. Pat Kerrigan's Chief Accomplice radios in to ask Slow-Witted Soldier if everything's okay, since the picture's gone all fuzzy. He replies in the affirmative just as Gwen clubs him in the back of the head with her gun. Dumbass.

She nicks his keys and they break into another cell, switching off CCTV as they go, causing Pat Kerrigan's Chief Accomplice to set off the alarm for the intruders. Gwen blasts her way into another lockup, only to find a huge block of concrete. She barely has time to "wtf?" before the soldiers arrive and open fire, though of course the idiots miss. Gwen tries to take out the next batch of soldiers, but Pat Kerrigan arrives and tells her she's "as trapped and helpless as the man in the concrete cell" and tells her to put down her weapons. As Gwen drops her firearms on the floor, the concrete cell rapidly recedes from view, because Ianto has just removed the entire bloody thing with a forklift truck. I shit you not. Gwen and Rhys run for it, and they make their escape on the forklife truck. At a presumed top speed of about 10mph. And the snipers still can't hit them. Sigh. Gwen instructs Rhys to move the cement lorry across the entrance while Ianto drives the forklift out - once this has been done, she fires at the fuel tank and ignites the whole damn thing. The trio made their snail-like escape as Pat Kerrigan phones Malcolm Tucker to tell him she fucked up.

Ianto drives them to a quarry, and instructs Gwen and Rhys to start the car. Ianto and the forkift crane drop the concrete cell over a cliff, where it smashes to bits on the floor. He leaps into the car, and they drive down to the bottom, where naked Barrowman is just coming back to life. Jack asks his team what's going on, and they have to admit that they don't know, but the children have revealed that whatever it is will happen tomorrow. Rhys gives his jacket to Gwen to give to Jack, and Eve Myles does a brilliant "I am trying really hard not to acknowledge your nudity, really" face as John Barrowman takes it from her. The quartet get into the car.

Evil London. Malcom and Bridget stride down an important corridor as a news report echoes on the soundtrack. Dekker unveils the finished chamber to them, which now seems to be a gas chamber, built to a very specific chemical concoction as demanded by the 5-6-7-8. It's a poisonous gas to humans, but it's what the aliens breathe. Bridget wants to know if they can't use this knowledge to work out what sort of aliens they are. "If we had all the time in the world," sneers Dekker. Malcolm wants to know what happens when they arrive. Dekker says that the room could be an ambassadorial suite, or a slaughterhouse. Now Bridget wants to know how they'll arrive inside it. Nobody knows. Malcolm wonders if every other country in the world has received the same instructions, built a chamber, and kept schtum about it. Dekker doesn't think so: whoever they are, they're coming for Britain, and he thinks Malcolm Tucker knows why. Malcolm and Bridget leave, and Dekker rubs himself up against the tank. Creepy!

Next time: Malcolm Tucker is expendable. Lois frets about being charged with treason. The aliens arrive. Alice has a gun! Lots of people are running!

Dead. Again.

2009-07-07T10:27:00.000-07:00

3.01 - Day One
Tx: Monday 6th July 2009

1965, Scotland. It is dark. A minibus full of children drives down a rain-swept road. A blond boy looks like a Child of the Corn. His comrades chatter. The bus stops, and they troop out in the darkness, into a bright white light.

Oh yes, bitches, it's TORCHWOOD: CHILDREN OF EARTH - DAY ONE!

And here is beautiful Cardiff, just as picturesque as ever, you'll be pleased to know. Gwen is at the cash machine and looks disapprovingly at parents telling their recalcitrant children off, because her judgemental bitch-ness is not at all reduced. More children stand stock-still in houses, across roads, in front of Rhys's lorry, and so on.

Then they all start moving again. All the parents (and Rhys) are relieved. One schoolgirl looks disapprovingly at Gwen, which is quite funny.

Gwen thinks she is funny by greeting Glyn by the Torchwood base with "What's occurrin'?" She is mistaken. And there's nobody in Torchwood. Well, where are they?

Cut to hospital in an emergency room, where the medics are attempting defibrillation on a body, as Captain Jack and Ianto look through the window. The doctor tells them that Mr Williams is dead of heart failure. Ianto does a very bad job of looking sad. Captain Jack looks...fatter, a bit? Squarer in the face? They ask if they can have a look at the body, and the doctor agrees, because they are his caring neighbours.

As soon as the doctor leaves them alone, they begin to unwrap the corpse to laser-saw him, and Ianto squees about being referred to as a couple. The doctor walks back in as Captain Jack rips out some alien organ (fnar), then they make a quick exit. The doctor runs after them, threatening to report them - "You're Torchwood!" "Never heard of them!" replies Captain Jack, despite the fact it's emblazoned in neon letters over his car. The doctor says that bodies are going missing from the mortuary - five of them in two months, none of them white, all of them male. Captain Jack considers taking the doctor onto the team, for they have no medical doctor IN A WHITE COAT to do doctoring at the moment, but then can't be arsed. [First time for everything. Fnar. - Steve]

Civil servants and military types mill around, in what I presume is a secret service building. Peter Capaldi seems to be in charge. A military man tells him to BEWARE OF TEH CHILDRENS.

Torchwood Three. Ianto and Jack return, and Gwen whines about them leaving her by herself when there are lots of road-traffic accidents going on, all involving children.

Cross-exposition between military man and Torchwood Three. There have been accidents all over the world, and they all list many countries. Well done, everyone, excellent geographical knowledge. At 8.40am, every child in the world STOPPED. Military man is interrupted by the new tea-girl Lois, who starts asking questions about his uniform. Subtle as a brick. Sign her up to Torchwood, you think?

Captain Jack rings Martha, but she is on her honeymoon and Gwen warns him not to disturb her. The doctor, Rupesh, is loitering outside the base - "Ask about Torchwood, and most people will point you towards the bay," says Ianto. Brilliant secret-keeping. Ianto squees a bit more about Gwen calling him and Jack a couple. Jack says he hates the word "couple" and Ianto pretends he does too. Oh, this is going to end in tears.

Gwen goes out to talk to Rupesh, who is originally from Chesterfield, and is very tempted by the money on offer at Torchwood. "What do you DO?" asks Rupesh, which is an excellent question. Rupesh expresses his concern about the growing suicide rate in the past years, which he seems to be attributing to aliens. Gwen talks about how brilliant and beautiful the universe is, and then adds on, "My life is bigger," because as we know most things have to be explained in relation to its specific effect on Gwen's life.

Then Gwen sees a little girl rooted to the spot despite her mother's protestations, and more children ACROSS THE WORLD are doing the same thing (some more successfully than others, I might add). Then they all begin to scream. I presume this is supposed to be an awful unearthly sound, but to be honest it just sounds like my Brownie pack playing stuck-in-the-mud every Friday evening.

They stop screaming and begin chanting - "WE ARE COMING!" Gwen panics. Peter Capaldi is informed of the situation and demands a child immediately. People have been put in prison for similar. At a nursing home, a man is chanting along with the children. Then they all stop chanting and he falls to his knees, wailing, "They found me!"

The Torchwood team run about; Rupesh is ordered back to A&E by bossy-boots Jack. More running about and flapping in the base of secret-service power. Lois looks shifty. Mr Decker (whoever he is) tells Peter Capaldi, "I warned you." Captain Jack is on the phone to Lois (ah, it's the Home Office) who claims to be the only person in the world not to have heard of Torchwood. She stealthily accesses the computer database beyond her menial powers and seems to be on some kind of high-security Wikipedia, reading a definition of what Torchwood is and does.

Mr Decker turns out to be some kind of extra-terrestrial tracker man, and he takes Peter Capaldi down to his lair to hear all today's recorded activity. The Torchwood team are speculating about what on earth is happening; Gwen points out that all the children are speaking English; and Captain Jack says the most stupid thing he has ever said by claiming that if you were surveying the world from the outside, you would think English was the dominant language. Ianto corrects him. Jack sneers. The inventors of Esperanto weep. Gwen finds footage of Timothy White - the man who chanted along with the children.

Rhys is looking at houses, while Gwen talks to him on speakerphone, revealing all the state secrets she can possibly manage and being a total cow when he suggests that one of the house's spare rooms could be a nursery. Rhys tells her that they ought to consider the fact that the children were chanting at 8.40am - before school starts in the UK.

Ianto and Jack muse over where they could find a child. Jack saunters off, Ianto quite reasonably asks him where he's going, and Jack snarks about being a couple again.

The prime minister asks Peter Capaldi what to do. Capaldi wants "certain historical events" taken off the record so that Britain has a clean slate, and hopes that "the 4-5-6" will keep quiet. The prime minister says he will not have his name on it; he was never told; he never knew. Ooh, mysterious.

Captain Jack goes to visit people, a middle-aged lady and a little boy. "Uncle Jack! I was talking like an alien! Everyone was!" shouts the boy. Elsewhere, Ianto thrusts money into the hand of his niece and nephew, and unsuccessfully tries to convince his sister to let him take the girl to the cinema this afternoon.

Back with Captain Jack, and Barrowman doing subtle acting. The middle-aged woman he is talking to is his daughter, complaing that he looks younger than her. That'd be the Botox, love. Maybe you should try it too? Jack reckons he wants to be a proper grandad to him, and the daughter is clever enough to work out that really he wants to do some kind of experimentation on him. She tells him he's a bastard and should stay away because he's dangerous. Marvellous. I want HER to join Torchwood.

Rupesh is back at the hospital, and Jack rings him because he wants to steal a child from the children's ward. Ianto's sister quizzes him about being spotted having dinner in town With A Man - a GORGEOUS one, like a film star, or an escort [I wonder how much Barrowman paid RTD to insert that line into the script. - Steve]: "Have you gone bender?" she asks. Ianto fails to answer, and then she is sad because he never tells her anything. That elicits the following gem from Ianto: "He is VERY handsome." His sister squees. "He's nice, though, is he? Is he?" she asks, in an extremely sisterly way. Ianto tries to describe the purity of his love for Jack, while making it clear that his lust is not for men in general. Then his rowdy brother-in-law rolls in making many gay jokes, and then the alarm on the Torchwoodmobile goes off. Ianto does not understand how they broke in, when it has three deadlocks. Ah, Torchwood. High security indeed.

Gwen is in the nursery home talking about Timothy White and getting all the gossip from a nurse, before interviewing him in a very nasty stark room. She says she thinks the voices he heard came from aliens, and he tells her there is no such thing. He asks for her hand, she gives it, and he sniffs it. Apparently this is a method for ascertaining the verity of statements. He does not want to talk about what he knows while he is being observed by CCTV, and Gwen uses a magic pen to switch the filming off. He is greatly amused.

He begins to narrate his experience of aliens - he's a child from the pre-titles scene, it would seem, and tells Gwen that they took all his friends, but not him. His name before all the weirdness began was Clement Macdonald, and Gwen tries to get more information from him but then he tells her that she's three weeks' pregnant and everything goes a bit strange. The nurse interrupts them and takes him off for his medication - he bids her farewell by saying, "Congratulations," and she TURNS HER BACK and WALKS OUT without saying ANYTHING because she is a BITCH.

Gwen rings Ianto to ask him to find records of Clement Macdonald; other techie spies are logging their intercept activity; Peter Capaldi gives his most senior underling orders relating to the 4-5-6 while Lois pretends she's not watching. Oh, seriously, Home Office, does anyone actually keep their username and passwords on a post-it on their monitors? Well, in this universe they do, and that's enabling Lois to log on to the senior underling's sent items folder, and see that she has issued an Order To Kill Captain Jack. Presumably that the Crown, paying Torchwood's wages and all, would know that Captain Jack is immortal, having had him on the payroll for the last two or three centuries?

Jack is at the hospital with Rupesh, and there has been another death, this time of a Chinese man. They go to the morgue and Jack begins inspecting the corpse, talking self-importantly in a medical diagnostic way. And then Rupesh shoots Jack, which is nice. Lots of gunmen then troop in. Secret service techies says that the name Clement Macdonald hasn't been "active" for 45 years and now Torchwood have found him. Pat Kerrigan from Bad Girls says, "That's way beyond coincidence. Bring him in." Rupesh whines about The Plan being changed, because he did so much research and now he cannot infiltrate lovely Torchwood. Then surveying the deathly beauty of Jack, he asks Pat Kerrigan if she thinks it's true, "what they say about him" (ie Jack's immortality). Jack suddenly sits bolt upright, gasping for air, and Pat Kerrigan shoots him dead again. HA. "He was dead!" whinges Rupesh. "And now he's dead again. And we'll keep killing him till he's ready," replies Pat Kerrigan, who reveals that the orders changed because of the children.

Police march in to the nursing home to kidnap Timothy White, who makes a run for it out of the back door. Great security there too.

Back at the hospital, Pat Kerrigan tells Rupesh that he will not be disappearing, and then Rupesh too makes a run for it. Pat Kerrigan shoots him. Everyone leaves the morgue. Then Jack wakes up again, and sees Rupesh's corpse next to him.

Back at Torchwood Three, Ianto has traced Clement Macdonald, and is telling Gwen all about it. She is not interested.

Jack heads back to the base and is being spied upon by Pat Kerrigan and her minions.

Gwen does a weird pregnancy test via her hand.

Jack wants to find out about Rupesh being dead; Ianto asks if they killed him too, and when he is answered with the affirmative, he takes the opportunity for a quick hug. Gwen is being odd about being pregnant. Obviously Jack and Ianto are the first ones to know before she rings Rhys.

The Gwen Alert sirens go off! But she's already there! What is it? Perhaps it is a bomb! Jack tells Gwen to get the fuck out because she is PREGNANT and a GIVER OF LIFE. Then all the weird children start their chanting again. Torchwood goes into lock-down and Jack manhandles Ianto out of the building through the medium of French-kissing. [And they still have absolutely no chemistry whatsoever. - Steve] "I'll come back. I always do," says Jack. Peter Capaldi shouts at his children to stop chanting. Torchwood explodes.

THE END.

Fade to Grey

2008-04-04T13:49:00.000-07:00

Episode 2.12 - Exit Wounds
Tx - 4th April 2008

Cardiff! Usual pre-titles montage! Outside government, police, 21st century, changes, Torchwood is ready. Whatevz. Let's go.

We get a recap of last week's gormless staring at bombs and waiting for them to explode, but fortunately only enough to collapse a building and bury the Torchwood team under a few bricks without doing that much damage to them. ["Fortunately"? - Steve] It was all the work of Captain John Hart, who was awesome when he was in episode 1, and was awesome last week also. I fully expect him to be awesome today too.

Team Torchwood reconvene after the explosion to find the SUV gone. Tosh has a broken arm, remember, but everyone else is fine. Even with one arm, Tosh is expected to do good gadgety work, and she's tracking rift activity, which is occurring all over the city. Gwen's phone rings, and it's Steve's favourite, PC Andy, telling her to get the fuck to the police station because all hell has broken loose. Right, that's what I'd do in times of crisis - call the country's most famous incompetent. Gwen says she's on her way, and snits about "Captain John or whatever he calls himself", like her boss and sometime-beloved Jack is entirely innocent of identity theft. Jack is behaving like he's Rhys's boss now, for some reason. Poor long-suffering Rhys is the only one left with a vehicle, so Jack tells him to drop Owen at the hospital, Tosh and Ianto to the central server building, Gwen at the police station, and him at Torchwood. Jack advises everyone to be careful, which has been an excellent plan so far, and announces that he is going to go and try to reason with John, as he was the only one who could ever control him, which was why they were partners at the Time Agency. [Though he didn't seem very good at it last time Captain John showed up - but perhaps that was because he wouldn't bribe him to behave with sexual favours. - Georgi] Rhys: "Did you just say Time Agency? Don't tell me that's based in Cardiff too."

Cardiff! Jack is at the hub. Hark, he can hear music. It is Hot Gossip's I Lost My Heart To A Starship Trooper. Now, I don't want to generalise about anyone, but I'm guessing that Captain John may have put that on the stereo. And yes, he emerges, telling Jack, "Come on! Sing along! It's our song!" Hee! Jack is unimpressed, denying that it is their song. Frankly, I believe John on this one. He tells Jack that he's no fun. True fact. Jack tells him that everyone survived the explosion, and he needs to be more efficient. Goodness, my irony meter nearly melted with the overload there. John says they were prototypes, and enquires after the team. Jack asks what he wants, and John says he wants him to know that he loves him. And then he massacres him with two machine guns. [Yay! But still: try decapitation. - Georgi] "This is going to get nasty," says John, surveying Jack's corpse-not-corpse.

Titles!

Cardiff! A caption informs us that we're at Cardiff Police HQ at 5.27pm. Gwen and Rhys burst in, and there is blood everywhere. PC Andy tells her that the four most senior officers have been murdered, and that everyone is running round like headless chickens. Well, I can see why you'd call in Gwen for that. PC Andy wants to know what the hell Rhys is doing there at the crime scene; Rhys says he knows lots of secrets, for example a Time Agency being based in Cardiff; PC Andy mocks Rhys's secret-keeping skills. [They totally want each other. - Steve] In the cells, we discover that it was, obviously, weevils carrying out the murders. Gwen pepper-sprays them. [Even though they are already contained in a cell? Also, did Captain John manage to get the weevils to target the "four most senior officers", or are the police just shit? - Georgi]

Cardiff! Tosh and Ianto are at the Central Server Building, and as Tosh gives Gwen their location, she also handily explains what a Central Server Building actually is. [Yeah, as though the police, NHS, etc would all have their servers in the same building. Apart from being a terrible idea to start with, it suggest that they would be that organised. - Georgi] She says that she is on industrial-strength painkillers, so that's why she can carry on working with a smashed arm. They wander round a bit, then a gang of creatures dressed as the Grim Reaper march on them, burbling about heathen gods and suchlike. Tosh and Ianto shoot them. They die. "There we are, then," says Ianto. "Sorted," says Tosh.

Cardiff! Owen is at St Helen's Hospital, and it is 5.39pm. He is talking to a lady doctor who has a doctorly white coat and a voice that sounds a bit like Denise Van Outen. There is a Hoix in a storeroom; it needs to eat, for that is its raison d'etre. Owen throws it some fags and sedates it. "You really are quite stupid, aren't you?" says Owen. What a bizarre interlude. [It's a shame Torchwood don't have a gun that shoots sedatives, rather than having to get close enough to an alien to manually inject them though. I bet Torchwood London would have had that. - Georgi]

Cardiff! Torchwood Hub, 6.03pm. Jack is undead, and chained to the wall. I think we know where our next joke is coming from, don't we, children? John tells him his comms and weapons have been removed. "This is a little extreme, don't you think?" asks Jack. "What? Suddenly you're anti-bondage?" replies John. THERE IT IS! 16 seconds into the scene! "Why are you here?" snarls Jack. "See? Now you're interested in me!" snarks John, and really, these insecure boys falling in love with Jack ought to get some counselling. "It's always the same - nobody cares until you tie them up." John is angry because Jack was rude to him, and because Jack will not spend time with him. Jack wants to know where Grey is. John says that some things are out of his control. Jack tries to shout at him, and get electrocuted for his trouble. John does electronic wiring and stuff. Jack says, "Whatever you're planning, we're going to stop you." John looks faintly amused and says, "Really? Go on then. I hope you can. Really." Jack grimaces, but of course he's chained to a wall and he's sent his team elsewhere, so there's fuck-all he can do, unless Myfanwy suddenly becomes dextrous. "No?" asks John. "All right. Let's go get ourselves a good view."

A good view? Of Cardiff? I think we know what that means too, don't we, children?

Yes, it's some Hot Roof Action!

City centre, 6.28pm, on top of a castle. [Cardiff Castle! - Georgi] John continues to subject Jack to mild torture, and warns him not to struggle. Jack says he can make things right. John is like, no. He assumes control of the comms system, and Gwen interrupts him to ask if Jack's OK. "Jack can't come to the comms right now, but if you leave a message, I'll be sure to pass it along," says John, who really is fabulous. "What have you done to him?" asks Gwen. "Wrong question - you should be asking what am I about to do to you?" he says, and to be fair, Gwen would usually ask that rather than enquiring about someone else. Perhaps she got hit on the head with a brick or something. Ianto demands to speak to Jack, and John welcomes him with a gleeful, "Eye Candy! That was so masterful, so bossy, so basically powerless!" John tells them all to get to the respective roofs of their buildings. They do so. John apologises to Jack, then promptly blows up Beautiful Cardiff, except the major municipal buildings the Torchwood team are in. ZOMG Beautiful Cardiff! "You've destroyed the city!" yells Jack, just in case we hadn't noticed. [Isn't that a standard Friday night in Cardiff? - Georgi] John wants a hug. PC Andy panics; Gwen takes control. Then the rift opens and Jack and John disappear into it. Gwen does more bossiness to the rest of the team, telling Tosh to assess the damage - all the networks are down, people can't get out of the city; Gwen tells Tosh and Ianto to stabilise the nuclear power system as a matter of priority. Owen tells us that all the machines are off in the hospital. Gwen formulates a plan - to fix everything, find Jack and punish John. Excellent thinking, brainiac.

Cardiff, 27AD. Ooh, it is The Past. It is all fields. Jack looks puzzled. John tells him he is safe. Jack punches him and demands to return. John says no, and shows him his arm. He has a big old bomb molecularly bonded to his wrist, so he has to follow his orders otherwise he'll get explodified. "I thought you'd see that, but oh no, you're so self-obsessed, you thought I'd want to blow up your stupid city," complains John. [Oh, I do not like non-villainous Captain John, even if his motive for evil was questionable. - Georgi] Jack turns round, and it's his long-lost little brother, Grey. We have flashbacks of Jack losing him. They hug, Jack apologises, Grey stabs him through the stomach with a big old knife. Jack dies. John surveys the situation, looking very cheekboney. Grey tells him to get a shovel.

Gwen is now apparently queen of fucking everything [she is good at fucking everything, in fairness - Steve], and is giving a staff briefing to the Cardiff police force at 7.39pm. "This is where we find out how good we really are," she says. Rhys and PC Andy look on proudly. "Get out there and do your jobs," she concludes. Everyone nods in agreement. [Though Gwen does seem to think the most important thing the police could do is to reassure people. Yeah, don't worry about, like, fixing things. - Georgi] Rhys thinks his wife is impressive; Andy concurs and calls him a lucky sod.

Central Server Building, 8.01pm, and Ianto and Tosh are having problems. Tosh says they need to restart the servers or the reactor will go into meltdown. They decide to try that for a plan.

Back in 27AD, Jack is handcuffed, John has dug a grave, Grey has something of the SS officer about him. Jack tells Grey that he searched for him for ages; Grey tells him he will not get a loving reunion or absolution because he does not forgive him. Flashback of Jack being incompetent and failing to look after his brother. Grey talks about his traumatic childhood with evil creatures because Jack didn't hold on to his hand. Jack says he would swap with him if he could. Grey says that he always believed he'd come, but obviously he gave up, and he wants him to suffer - he wants his life. [Does Grey remind anyone else of Anakin Skywalker? Whinge, whinge, me, me, me, hate everybody, turned to the Dark Side... - Georgi] [Srsly. It is not your brother's fault that you run like a doughboy and fell down. Perspective, grumpy.-Joel]Jack is crying but pretending he's not. Grey's plan is to bury Jack where Cardiff will be built, so the city will be constructed on his grave, and each time he revives, he'll choke again. Fuck, that's one sick and twisted plan. [I love it. - Steve][It does rely on Captain Jack not having watched Kill Bill 2 and not realising that he could probably scrabble his way out of a six-foot-deep grave, at least after a couple of deaths. - Georgi][Srsly, again. 2000 years to climb six feet through soil? Not so tough. Though at least they didn't go through the route of Jack being worshipped as a god because he was all tall and not wearing woad.-Joel] John tries to stop it, but Grey throws Jack into the grave. He tells John to fill the grave otherwise the detonator will be activated. Jack looks at John and gives him silent approval to do what must be done; John gazes back to check that he really means it; he does; and before the earth is shovelled in, John takes off a signet ring "of sentimental value", kisses it, and throws it to Jack.

Torchwood Vaults, 9.07pm. Grey emerges in a haze of [indifferently CGI-ed - Steve] rift activity and looks at the weevils.

Switch to Gwen sitting on her lazy slut arse at the police station. Rhys comes to find her to discover what the hell she is doing. "I can't do this, Rhys, I'm not up to it!" You said it, girlie. Rhys reassures her, but he is talking nonsense about Gwen being a hero, so I shan't recap it. Tosh beeps in on the comms system to tell her there's rift activity at the hub. Rhys tells Gwen to go if she's needed, and he will see her when it's all over.

Cardiff! The Gwen sirens are going off as she enters the hub. [Although they were going off earlier when Jack arrived, so I think they're malfunctioning. - Georgi] She stalks across the bridge, and John creeps up on her. "You took your time," he says. She screeches at him like a harpy to drop to his knees. He rolls his eyes - "Honestly. It's all sex, sex, sex with you people." He does as he's told, anyway, but looks amused, and tells her where Jack is. He tries to explain what is going on, and Gwen keeps interrupting him. When she sees the arm and he tells her he could have run but chose to come back to Torchwood, she decides that he might be telling the truth. John explains the whole family psychodrama that has ruined Jack and Grey's fraternal relationship, and says that when he found Grey, he thought he would be the rescuing hero, but it took him too long to realise that he was a fruitloop. Don't be too hard on yourself, John; if the Torchwood team had found him, they'd have given him keys to their top-secret facility and at least one of them would have had sex with him before realising that he was off his trolley. [II'm a bit disappointed with Captain John for letting Grey molecularly bond a bomb to his arm though. - Georgi] Suddenly the bomb molecules start unbonding from John's arm. Ew. He reminds Gwen that he could've run and didn't have to come back to Torchwood. Gwen tells him to find Jack or she will shoot him. He talks to Tosh on the comms and asks her to trace the signal which will lead them to Jack.

A BIG NOISE! All the weevils in the world are escaping, and yes, it is all Grey's doing. The weevils run loose across the city, and Ianto and Tosh realise they won't be able to make it across to the Central Server Building in time to prevent the meltdown. Owen, who is doing important doctorly work at the hospital just for the lulz [and because saving people is his raison d'etre - Georgi], reminds them that he is King of the Weevils, and says he'll go on that particular errand. The weevils do indeed cower as Owen runs through the streets.

Back at the police station, and Rhys and Andy have to prevent a weevil invasion. Andy is snarky. End of scene.

Torchwood Hub. Weevils approach Gwen and John [Gwen seems to have forgotten that she has a perfectly good gun that she was threatening to shoot John with a few minutes ago, and cowers uselessly instead - Georgi]; Tosh and Ianto burst in and shoot them, and then Ianto makes to shoot John. Gwen stops him, and John promises he'll make things right. Gwen, Ianto and John drag the injured weevils down to the basement, and go into the cells with them. Oh, Torchwood. You really are shit. And Captain John, I had such high hopes for you, but you seem to have caught the stupid virus. Sure enough, the doors slam behind them. Grey wants to know why John didn't run; "a question of honour," he replies. Gwen unconvincingly tells Grey that they can help him; Ianto begs to know where Jack is. He gets no answer.

Nuclear power station, 9.42pm. A lady scientist in a WHITE COAT is doing gadgetry, and Owen sends her home, burbling babble about his plans to prevent the meltdown, which satisfies her enough to leave her post. [To be fair, he doesn't actually explain how he is going to fix the impending meltdown, just what will happen. Just because he knows that doesn't mean he can fix it. Stupid, selfish nuclear power station employee. - Georgi] He gives her anti-weevil spray and she pisses off. Owen tells Tosh via the comms that he doesn't have a bloody clue what he's doing. Heh. Basically the thing's going to meltdown, and Owen asks Tosh if she can fix it. "Of course I can, I'm brilliant!" she answers. Tosh is doing a running commentary of her hypothesis when Grey shoots her through the stomach. I gasp. Tosh falls to the floor. Owen is whimpering, "Tosh, Tosh?" over the comms. Grey does generic villainous lines about death and kicks her gadgetry downstairs. There's a banging noise, and Grey breaks off from his torture to investigate. Tosh is clutching her abdomen in a vain attempt to retain her innards [Well, staunch the bleeding - Georgi]. Owen shouts, "Tosh! Talk to me! I need your help here, babe!"

Vaults. John has an idea, which is more than the rest of team Torchwood do half the time.

Upstairs, Tosh is dragging herself across the floor to re-appropriate her gadgetry.

More banging. Grey goes into the morgue and opens the drawer whence the banging originates. I was really hoping this would be Suzie [me too! - Steve], but it's not, it's Captain Jack, telling Grey that he forgives him.

Flashback - Torchwood 1901. They've located the signal from Jack's grave, and go and dig him up. They are really confused with all the time-travelling, but he manages to convince them to stick him in the morgue ready to defrost 107 years in the future, ready to save his minions. [1,874 years buried underground, dying again and again and again, and Jack's not even a little bit psychologically scarred? Also, no-one looked in the morgue in the past 107 years? Not even, like, an annual stock-take?-Joel]

Present day - Jack forgives Grey again, and strides off. Grey is not happy. Jack forgives him again and asks him to do the same for him. Grey says he prayed for death, because of him, "the favourite son, the one who lived, who'll always live". Jack says he didn't realise until it was too late. Grey says he begrudges him everything and will never absolve him because it is ALL HIS FAULT. Jack hugs him and cries and says sorry, and then chloroforms him. Jack cries and hugs him some more.

John is being generally awesome in the vaults, and manages to do gadgetry to release a weevil-recall signal. Rhys and Andy are on a roof. Rhys: "Where have they all gone?" Andy: "Abergavenny?"

Owen is still in the nuclear power station trying to get hold of Tosh, who continues to bleed to death on the floor of the hub. However, she has dragged herself over to her gadgetry and restores power to the muclear server room. Owen suspects something is wrong, but Tosh tells him it's just her arm hurting her, which he accepts, because he is not there in person to demonstrate his fierce doctoring skillz. In the meantime, she stabs herself with more painkillers. One-handed, she does more gadgetry, but realises the meltdown is too far gone to stop, meaning the only option now is to divert the flow channels internally, ie to the server room, ie where Owen is, which is a great plan as long as Owen gets out in time. [Srsly, nuclear power stations have that option? - Georgi] He's down with that. He says, "Tosh? Thank you." She smiles, and whispers, "That's what I'm here for." She then surveys her wounds, and presumably like me is torn by the irony that if she were in Owen's place right now the science-gadgetry would be being done more efficiently, and if he was injured back at the hub, he'd fix himself so that his intestines wouldn't be visible to the world.

Torchwood Vaults. Jack releases them from the cells, and Gwen throws herself at him. Ianto makes do with a side-on cuddle, and John feels left out because of the "queue for the hugs." Jack tells him, "Always has been, always will be. Nice use of the ring," which really made me laugh, but then I have a filthy mind. [And with Chris Chibnall off to helm Law & Order, there's a vacancy for head writer on this show - you'd be a natural. - Steve]

Switch to Owen. He is excited because the flow channels have been diverted. Tosh tells Owen to get the fuck out because there is going to be a power surge and then he will be locked in. Just as last week, he stands there for a bit before deciding to leg it. Too little, too late, and the door closes. Owen shouts a lot, begging Tosh to get him out, and then asking in a little voice, "Where's Jack?" like that'll help. Tosh asks him to stay calm, but he continues to rage, and asks her why he should go quietly, and she sobs, "Because you're breaking my heart." That quietens him down, and incidentally, if anyone's keeping track, this is the point at which I began to weep quietly and texted Steve to tell him so. [I refuse to cry at fucking Torchwood of all things, but it's true that Naoko Mori is acting her socks off right here. - Steve][Thank fuck they gave the proper storylines to people who can actually Act. - Georgi] Owen regains some self-control, and apologises to Tosh, who claims it is her fault. He says it isn't, and that she did good, and apologises again. He asks her to tell him what will happen to him; she explains that the chamber will be flooded with irradiated stuff, and he comprehends - his body will decompose. Tosh gives herself grief for not being able to stop it. Owen talks her down, and reminds her that she's saved him so many times in the past. Tosh is weeping and smiling at the reminiscing - in Owen's second week she had to pretend to be a medic because Owen was hungover and unreachable. Ah, those crazy times when they were fighting space pigs. (I sound flip - really, I'm not; this is an amazing scene, and it's a credit to Burn Gorman and Naoko Mori that they can talk about space pigs and still make me cry with the tenderness of the delivery.) "We never did get that date, did we, you and me?" asks Owen. Tosh's smile freezes, and the tears continue to flow. "We sort of missed each other. It was my fault. I didn't notice till it was too late. I'm sorry." Tosh says in a little voice, "Me too." Bleeping - the meltdown is starting. Owen stands up, and tells Tosh, "It's all right. Really, Tosh, it's all right." Everything goes white.

Tosh whispers, "Owen." But it's too late for them, and for him, and for her. Jack has remembered that he has another team member, and follows the entrails to find her. He hugs her, and Gwen starts to ready herself with injections. [Fat lot of good that'll do the GUNSHOT WOUND. Stupid bloody Gwen. - Steve] Tosh tells them Owen is sealed in at the nuclear power plant and she couldn't save him. Tosh smiles at Jack, who is crying. And then she dies. Gwen sobs. As do I. [I hate to bring up Quentin Tarantino twice in one blog, but if Reservoir Dogs is anything to go by (and I don't see why I should base my medical knowledge on anything else), it takes AGES to die from a gunshot wound to the stomach. Take her to bloody A&E! - Georgi][Noooo! Not Tosh! The most interesting character and best actress gone, along with a kind of rapey and hateful character, who can act. Much as I love Ianto stun-gunning people, I'm not sure it compensate.-Joel

Cardiff! [Of course, only Beautiful Cardiff can bring us solace in our hour of need. - Steve] Rhys and Gwen at home, watching telly. Torchwood hub, Jack putting Grey in the freezer. John suggests that killing him would be a good idea because he's not going to be better in 100 years. Jack says there has been enough death, and that he didn't struggle when he was buried because it was his penance. John tells him it is not his fault. Jack kisses his brother's forehead, and locks him away. John tells Jack that he thinks he might investigate this planet further because he likes it so much, and gives him a kiss goodbye. "Sorry...for your losses," he says, and then he leaves.

Ianto is logging Owen out of the Torchwood computer system for the final time, and Jack is packing up his belongings, including his white doctorly coat. Gwen is packing up Tosh's things, and Ianto logs her off too. Then, instead of everything being deleted, a little window pops up on screen. It's Tosh, recording her final message to her remaining colleagues [Who does that?! - Georgi], who gather round the screen: "OK. If you're seeing this, it means I'm, well, dead. I hope it was impressive, not crossing the road, or an incident with a toaster. I just wanted to say it's OK. It really is. Jack, you saved me. You showed me all the wonders of the universe and all those possibilities, and I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Thank you. And Owen, you never knew. I love you. All of you. And I hope I did good." [You were fine up until you used an adjective instead of an adverb, Tosh. Sorry, but that's a major pet peeve of mine. - Steve] [But! It's an echo of what Owen said to her before he died! It's, like, a premonition! - Carrie][I'm with Steve on this one. - Georgi] [She CLEARLY means 'good' as a noun, not an adjective. 'I hope I did good.' Good deeds. Helping people. That's my argument and I'm sticking to it.-Joel]She nods, switches the camera off, and the screen goes black.

Jack looks nobly into the middle distance and proclaims, "Now we carry on." Gwen doesn't think she can. "You can," he says. "We all can. The end is where we start from."

Well, children, I never thought I'd see the day when I cried at Torchwood. For all the stilted dialogue, the inconsistent characterisation (including Jack's occasional descent into becoming a more loathsome individual than Gwen), the lack of logic, this has been a fun series, with some brilliant guest stars. More pertinently to this final episode, much as I didn't want Owen or Tosh to go, I suspect only those actors could have brought such a degree of emotion to their scripts and those death scenes (Burn Gorman in particular has been fabulous this series), so kudos to them. [I, on the other hand, am wondering what I did to hurt the writers of this show so much that they've now killed off the only three members of Torchwood staff that I gave a toss about, and yet fucking Gwen lives to fuck up another day. - Steve] Anyway, what will happen? Who will be the team's new geek? Who will assume medical duties? Will Captain John come back? Will PC Andy achieve his dream of joining Team Torchwood? Join us for Series 3...sometime in the 21st century.

Rubble rubble

2008-03-29T17:19:00.000-07:00

Episode 2.12 - Fragments
Tx: 28th March 2008

Isn't it ace when Torchwood are in The Past and Barrowman gets to do character acting? No? That's a shame. Anyway, we have the usual montage pre-titles, then we get an artistic shot of the ObviousMobile flying round a chicane. The team, minus Gwen, leap out. Ianto is on the phone leaving a message for their errant chum, saying they are going into a building that has signs of life, and she should get her lazy selfish arse there ASAP. Tosh says the lifeforms aren't weevils. [Good. I'm BORED of bloody weevils. - Georgi] Jack sends Ianto and Owen round the other side of the building, and Tosh sticks with him. Tosh reads her magic computery device, and says there are lifeforms at both ends of the building. Owen thinks the creatures may be sleeping.

Or in fact, as Tosh then notes, they might not be creatures at all. Instead, they are explosive devices. The entire team stand there gormlessly and watch the LEDs tick down to zero. Kaboom! [Is it worth pointing out that explosions that size would probably have blown Team Torchwood to smithereens rather than just bringing down some bricks on their heads? No? Fine. - Georgi] [It is very much worth pointing that out, if only to make yourself feel better. - Steve]

Titles!

That lazy slut Gwen wakes up and picks up her message from Ianto. She decides it might be an idea to get dressed and go to work. Just a thought, like. [I'd rant about lazy bloody Gwen not going into work on the one day everyone gets targeted by bombs, but since everyone is improbably not dead despite their proximity to the explosion, it seems rather a moot point. - Steve]

Jack is buried underneath the rubble, but fortunately he has sustained no injury to his face, his VALUABLE FACE. But as we know, he'll be fine anyway. Flashback to 1,392 deaths earlier - this is Barrowman's chance to do period character acting. You can't say I didn't warn you. Jack is wailing because he has a bottle shoved through his stomach. His sideburns are quite nice. Two women are standing in front of him. From their costumes, this is late 19th century. Jack chortles, and says, "Torso o'steel (a steal), shilling a feel!" It works marginally better as a pun when spoken, but not hugely so. He gets to his feet and claims he has a "flesh wound". The woman approach in intimidating style. Jack introduces himself as "Jack Harkness". Hang on. Did he not steal that identity from the lovely wartime captain? If so, how come he's got it now? I get so confused. [But you have to remember that Captain Jack has only been deathproof since David Tennant's first series of Doctor Who, which implies that this is after that, as opposed to being properly in the past. Pesky time travel. - Georgi] [Not to split hairs, but wasn't he deathproof in the Christopher Eccleston series? That's when Rose brought him back to life with magic Tardis power and made him unkillable. We didn't SEE it happening until Torchwood got spun off, of course. Either way: thanks a lot, ROSE. - Steve] The women beat Jack up comprehensively. Hooray! One sits on his chest, straddling him, and of course he takes the opportunity to slime, "You only had to ask. Can we get a room, though?" She stuffs a handkerchief in his mouth and gags and chloroforms him. Hooray! (Incidentally, Barrowman goes a very odd purple colour here. It's either method acting or the most convincing he's been all series.)

Cut to a cell, where the women are chucking buckets of water at him. He screams. Hooray! They attach electrodes to his chest, and summarily electrocute him. He screams. Hooray! They don't understand. He demands to know where he is. One of them shoots him. Hooray! This is the best episode of Torchwood EVER. Everything goes black.

Everything comes back again, still in the cell, and lady no 1 rolls her eyes, demanding, "Why aren't you dead yet?" Jack doesn't know. They want to know who the Doctor is. They have transcripts of his conversations with randoms in pubs in which he mentions the Doctor. Jack wants to know where he is. Of course, these lovely ladies are Torchwood Cardiff, but a hell of a lot more kick-ass than the 21st century version. They want to "combat the threat posed by the Doctor - and other phantasmagoria". Jack laughs. Way to placate these hard-bitten bitches, you fool. He tells them the Doctor is the one who will save them from their phantasmagoria, but he doesn't know where he is, because he was left behind. For a reason, Jack. Anyway, he hoped they'd find each other. The ladies suggest that he works for them in locating a missing person.

Or, in fact, a missing blowfish alien type, who has been stealing stuff, in period costume. Jack rounds him up and brings him in. The blowfish alien type says, "I said sorry! You can't lock me up!" Jack suggests sending him back where he came from. Lady no 1 has another idea, which is shooting him through the head. Jack is outraged, and tries to be masterful, but lady no 1 shrugs him off. [Jack would have just humanely imprisoned the blowfish alien in Torchwood's dungeon 4EVA. - Georgi] Lady no 2 gives him his wages, and another assignment. Jack tries to refuse it. Lady no 2 says he is their ally now, but if he doesn't work for them he becomes a threat; lady no 2 says, "And you've seen how we deal with threats." Yeah, you kill them, but you already know that JACK WON'T DIE. [Actually I have always wondered whether Jack would be able to come back to life if you actually dismembered him. Nobody ever bothered trying. - Georgi] [Chop off his actual member and he'd lose the will to live, no doubt. - Steve] They tell him to sleep on it, and he stalks out, presumably attempting "brooding melancholy Byronic hero". Lady no 1 watches him leave, and says to her colleague, "He's pretty...but you're prettier." So...has bisexuality always been a pre-requisite for a job at Torchwood? [That, and utter incompetence. - Steve]

A drinking den. Jack is drinking shots. The weird little tarot-reading girl appears, and despite Jack telling her to piss off, she reads his cards. "He's coming, the one you're looking for. The century will turn twice before you find each other." ZOMG, Jack will have to wait a hundred years to find him. He is angered and sad. Therefore he does need money, therefore he goes to take the job from Torchwood, and signs his name (his stolen name, which he should steal in a few decades' time) on various papers.

New Year's Eve 1999, with Natasha Kaplinsky narrating the TV coverage. [Wasn't she still at journalism school or something in 1999? She definitely wasn't working for the Beeb, anyway. - Georgi] Jack returns to the hub to find his staff all murdered by the one surviving member of his team, Alex. Jack's choice of minions has always been excellent, obviously. Alex is all tortured and starting into space - "We got it wrong, Jack, we thought we could control the stuff we found. And what's it brought us? So much death...It's good you're here, you always did have good timing...Give this place a purpose before it's too late...I looked inside, it showed me what's coming. They were mercy killings, the kindest thing I could do...I'm sorry I can't do the same for you. The 21st century, Jack! Everything's going to change! We're not ready!" And having set up the pre-credits sequence for the foreseeable future, Alex shoots himself through the head.

Cut back to present-day buried-under-rubble Jack. Rhys is all panicky - "He was dead! I checked his pulse!" Gwen tries to get him out of the rubble, but before he does that he chooses to shout a bit about Rhys being there at all. Rhys - fucking leave him, then, the whinging bastard. Gwen says that Rhys gave her a lift because she was late. She really is shit. [I'd call her a virgin who can't drive, but that's obviously only a half-truth. - Steve]

Switch to poor little Tosh, crushed under a wall. Bless her. She should really get a better job than this. Flashback to five years earlier. Tosh is working late in an office, and her boss tells her she works too hard. [Tosh is also wearing glasses; apparently one of the many benefits of working for Torchwood is that it either cures near-sightedness, or at least has an affordable contact lens payment plan. - Steve] He leaves; she stays, and promptly whips a key out of her desk drawer to unlock his cubicle office. She logs on to his computer system to get a key code, then rushes downstairs to a filing room to steal a box file from the shelf. She takes a couple of sheets out, sticks them up her jumper, and takes them home with her. We see that she works at the Lodmoor Research Facility, a division of the Ministry of Defence, so presumably she's just stolen some official secrets.

Tosh at home, which is a significantly smaller home than the one we're used to seeing. She unfolds the plans, gets out a circuit board and wires and various gadgetry, and does some good wiring and gadgeting and soldering. She rushes to a scary graffitied door down a back alley, and tells the people inside that she wants to see her mother. The lady in charge wants to see "the piece" first, which we discover is a "sonic modulator". [Is that like a sonic screwdriver? - Georgi] Tosh's mum is brought out. The lady in charge says that Tosh is a victim of her own success - they want her to do more work, and if she refuses, her mum will stay with them. The lady in charge dons some headphones and switches on the sonic modulator, and Tosh and her mum fall to the ground clutching their ears. [I guess not - Georgi] Then a troop of red caps burst in, and take Tosh away. She is put into a red jumpsuit and thrown into an empty cell. Her face is covered in cuts and bruises, and a tannoy announcement informs her that she no longer has any rights as a citizen and is being held in a UNIT facility. Montage of Tosh being sad in her horrible cell and walking around with other red jumpsuited prisoners. Do you see the MODERN-DAY PARALLELS? Where is my shot glass? I need a Drink!

The tannoy announcement tells Tosh there is an inspection for which she must prepare. She drags herself to her feet, the door opens, and there is Jack - just when you thought things couldn't get any worse. They go for coffee in a big empty room. Jack tells Tosh that her mum is safe and also retconned. Nice. He says he is nobody and doesn't exist, "and for a man of my charisma, that's quite an achievement". Oh, fuck OFF. She asks if he is a lawyer. He scoffs. He tells her that because she stole official secrets, they will make an example of her and never release her, and he is sorry. [But to make an example of her, they would have to publicise the fact that they are imprisoning her in a concrete cell for ever, and Amnesty just wouldn't stand for it. - Georgi] He has the sonic modulator with him, and asks, "You made this, right?" She says she just followed the plans. He is unconvinced - "Yeah, kinda!" But Tosh is clever because a) she understood what a sonic modulator was, and b) there were mistakes in the plans, which she fixed as she went along. "What I'm trying to say is - oh, baby, you're good!" Ew. Ew. EW. Jack suggests she could work for him for five years, and then her record would be wiped clean. Ooh. That means that Tosh's tenure with Torchwood is nearly up, then? Maybe she can get a proper job and a boyfriend and a life, then? [As if. - Georgi] She asks what it is that Jack does, and he claims it is "protecting people". He says she'll be able to send her mum postcards, and that he trusts her because of his instinct. His finely-honed, well-judged instincts. The same ones that appointed the manic depressive homicidal Alex. [And batshit crazy homicidal Suzie. And utterly incompetent Gwen. And...well, you get the idea. - Steve]

Cut back to present-day Tosh under the wall, with Gwen trying to help but as Tosh screams in pain, "YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE!" Could be Gwen's epitaph, really. Tosh asks her to hurry. Gwen wanders off to find more men to help lift the wall, leaving Rhys there, all of a-flutter and "ZOMG my beloved new wife it could have been you!"

Cut over to poor Ianto, with his pretty little fingers cut to ribbons and his face all red and his eyes all bloodshot. Jack is shouting for him. Flashback to 21 months earlier, with Jack being savaged by a weevil. Ianto suddenly turns up with a truncheon (snarf) to join Team Jack in the anti-weevil battle. Jack bags and sedates the weevil. Oooooooh, Ianto is in jeans and a studded belt. Ianto and Jack introduce themselves. Ianto says, "Lucky escape." Jack claims to have had the situation under control. Fuckwit. Ianto notices that Jack has stopped bleeding. He says it looked like a weevil, and Jack says he doesn't know what he's talking about. He hoicks the weevil onto his back, and tells Ianto that he'll take it from here. He strides off, and Ianto calls after him: "By the way - love the coat." Hehe.

Aerial shot of not-quite-two-years-ago Cardiff! Ianto is waiting for Jack outside the hub, with a cup of coffee for him. Aww. Ianto and his hot beverage-making ways. Jack loves the coffee. Aww. Jack has done research on Ianto, which he spouts off, and apparently he was born in 1983. Seriously? Ianto's supposed to be 24, nearly 25? Like hell. Seriously, I'm not saying he looks old or anything, because clearly I love him, but Gareth David-Lloyd is obviously in his late twenties. Anyway, Ianto is wearing a cute necklace also, and he demands a job from Jack. Jack says there is no job. Ianto is adamant that he wants a job. "There's no job for you here, and there never will be!" shouts Jack. This might be why every fucker knows about Torchwood - because you go around yelling about your recruitment policy in the middle of bloody Cardiff. Ianto admires the coat again. Heh. [You can tell this is a Chris Chibnall because it's the only time anyone acknowledges the existence of bloody Lisa the ridiculous robot girlfriend. - Steve]

Aerial shot of Cardiff. Jack is in the ObviousMobile, talking to Owen, Tosh and Suzie via the magic communicator. Ianto, now in a suit, jumps in front of the ObviousMobile, forcing Jack out. Jack stomps round the car, and instructs Ianto to leave Cardiff and go back to London. So Jack is now also in charge of the UK's migration policy? Jack is stroppy a bit more, then Ianto says, "You're not going to help me catch this pterodactyl then?" The only special equipment Jack has is a big syringe; Ianto says Torchwood London would have dinosaur nets in the back of the car. The pterodactyl squawks, and Ianto wonders if it could be Jack's aftershave. Of course, Jack isn't wearing any - "51st century pheromones. People have no idea." They crack on, and Jack seems to be attempting to seduce the pterodactyl by inviting him back to the hub. Ianto is annoyed that Jack will let a pterodactyl in and not him - "I could be the receptionist!...Dry-cleaning! That coat of yours must take a battering! I could be the butler!" Ianto interrupts Jack's plan-developing to tell him he is going to distract the pterodactyl with chocolate, so Jack should approach him with the syringe. The pterodactyl ain't quite that daft, though, and sweeps Jack up into the air. He does eventually manage to do the injection, and falls from the pterodactyl - on top of Ianto. [Didn't see that coming a mile off, no siree. - Steve] There's a bit of sexual tension until Ianto gets up and walks away. Jack tells him to report to work tomorrow, and admires the suit. Ianto looks all tearful.

Cut back to Ianto under the bricks. Gwen and Jack lift him out. He has a dislocated shoulder. Jack fixes it despite having no medical training, nor indeed a white coat. Ianto asks where the others are, and reminds them - and us - that if anything happens to Owen, he can't heal himself. Glad we got that little aide-memoire in, Mr Chibnall.

Owen is under bricks and appears to be trying to prevent a big old sash window falling on him, Ghost-stylee, through the power of his mind. Flashback to four years earlier, and Owen is on a bed doing wedding planning with a young lady whom we presume is his fiancee. She tells him that it's not too late to back out. He says he is marrying her if it kills him. The fiancee goes to make a cup of tea, but she seems to have forgotten how to do it. We learn that her name is Katie. Owen goes to the kitchen and walks her through tea-making step-by-step. Katie is getting cross and frustrated.

A doctor's office. Owen is talking to the consultant, and tells him that he promised Katie a summer wedding. And hang on, Owen was 27 when he Died a few weeks ago - so he's supposed to be 23 here? Sorry, don't buy that either, mostly because he's THIRTY-FUCKING-FOUR. Anyway, the consultant thinks it's early-onset Alzheimer's; Owen is unconvinced, and demands more tests. The consultant agrees. Shot of Owen watching Katie sleep; Owen is sad and pensive. Shot of Katie having the MRI scan, and Owen watching outside. Owen and Katie have a little chat out in the corridor, until the consultant turns up and says there is a tumour on Katie's brain that wasn't there last week. Katie looks at Owen, and weeps - "I can't remember your name!" [He obviously got a taste for that feeling - it would explain all the date rape. - Steve]

They go into theatre. Owen is waiting outside and pacing up and down. Suddenly the door moves, and Jack turns up. They go into the theatre and EVERYONE IS DEAD, and Katie has her brain hanging out, complete with alien life-form escaping from it. The alien incubates in the brain, and emits a toxic gas, which clears very quickly, when threatened. Jack wants to take Katie's brain; Owen is opposed to the idea so gets chloroformed for his trouble. He wakes up in a hospital bed, where the nurses wrestle him into submission. Owen then goes to see who we presume is a psychiatrist, and he is unimpressed with Owen's story, advising him to take three months off work. Owen looks at the CCTV footage, and sure enough, Jack and the whole alien brain thing are no longer recorded on there. He doesn't understand.

Owen goes to put flowers on Katie's grave, and sees Jack on the other side of the cemetery. He runs over, and punches him! Hooray! And again! And again! And again! Hooray! Then Owen cries, and Jack hugs him. [Boo! Punch him more! - Georgi] They have a little walk through the cemetery, and Jack tells him that he isn't having a mental breakdown - it's the rest of the world that's delusional. He then chooses this moment - when Owen is at his very lowest - to recruit him to Torchwood. Owen has a look round the hub. He says he became a doctor because he thought saving one life would make his own worthwhile, but it turns out that even if you do succeed, you can never save enough. [And Jack persuades him that he might save more by Saving The World From Aliens Regularly. - Georgi]

Cut back to Owen under the rubble. Gwen charges in to rescue him, and he points out the fuck-off great window about to fall on them. It judders down a bit, and Gwen shouts at it, because clearly that'll work. She moves a couple of bricks, and Owen is freed. Seriously, that was all he had to do? [For a moment there, I thought some plate glass might smash Gwen's head in. What a disappointment. - Georgi]

The team are reunited. Tosh has a broken arm, but that's all the injuries they incurred. [It would be Tosh, wouldn't it? Jesus Christ, the writers HATE her. - Steve] Oh, except the ObviousMobile, which has gone missing. And oh, Jack has a wristwatch message. The holographic figure emerges, and Ianto moans, "Oh, no." Of course, it's Captain John! About bloody time. Captain John complains that Jack can't die - "all that life, all that time, and you can't spare any for me." So John's just tried to kill everyone, solely motivated by unrequited love? Slightly over the top, wouldn't you say? John has "the family" with him - Jack's brother, Grey. "Everything you love, everything you treasure, will die. I'm going to tear your world apart," threatens John. "Maybe now you want to spend some time with me." [Hee hee! Captain John is my favourite villain! Although, no way Jack is worth all that effort. - Georgi]

Whoa. Join us next week for the series finale(s)!

You'll have noticed...

2008-03-25T08:53:00.001-07:00

......that there's a nice shiny widgety thing at the top of our right sidebar, which seeks to raise money for charidee - more specifically, for the Alzheimer's Society, through the medium of me running a 10k in May. If you've enjoyed our bitching on any of our blogs, please feel free to express your solidarity with our snarky misanthropic selves by donating! Thanks in advance.

I know my rift

2008-03-22T14:45:00.000-07:00

Episode 2.11: 'Adrift'
TX date: 21st March 2008

Friday night Torchwood, anyone? BBC, you are spoiling us.

So, just in case you weren't currently aware, Torchwood are outside the government and beyond the police, and the 21st century is when it all changes. Torchwood is ready, not that you'd know it.

Night. (Isn't it always?) A long roadbridge, which I thought was maybe the Severn Bridge, but I did some googling and now I think it probably isn't, so it can just be A Long Roadbridge for now. A chap with curly hair is walking home, and receives a text saying "UR 9 mins late! MUMxx" This chap doesn't look a day younger than twenty, so I'd say that mum needs to loosen the apron strings just a little, because seriously: nine minutes. He looks over to his right, where said mother is waving at him from the window of their flat about 20 metres away. Said mother is played by the lovely Ruth Jones, who in no way looks the 41 years of age she claims to be. Not that it's relevant to the episode, but I'm just saying: whatever her secret is, I'd like to know it. Anyway, the chap texts Ruth Jones back, saying "Chill! :-P" Ooh, if I ever cheeked my mother like that, I'd be in for such a hiding! The chap's name is Jonah, by the way. And where was he when we had a whale to deal with, eh? Ruth Jones chuckles and calls him a cheeky bugger.

On the Long Roadbridge, it is suddenly very windy, and Jonah's Lee Mead-style hair blows everywhere. There is a flash of light, and Jonah vanishes. His mobile phone clutters to the ground "ominously", although he appears to have been able to take the clothes he was wearing and the bag he was carrying wherever he just went, so what the fuck ever, Torchwood.

Titles.

Daylight. Long Roadbridge. PC Andy, my TV Boyfriend is here! Hi, PC Andy! We missed you. He is delivering some exposition to Gwen, saying that Jonah Bevan, born 15/02/93 (okay, so he was fifteen - sue me, he looked older), son of Nikki Bevan and Paul Millett, from Conveniently Just Over In That Flat There, Look, disappeared on his way home from football practice. (FYI, the on-screen captions here reveal that this is a Chris Chibnall episode, so brace yourself for the possibility of ridiculous misogynist bikini robot girls.) Jonah has been missing for seven months and eleven days, with no sightings since that night. The look on Gwen's face says, "fine, but when do we start talking about me?" PC Andy reinforces that Jonah disappeared right where they are standing now, and hands Gwen the phone that they recovered, confirming that Jonah texted his mum and she waved to him and swears blind everywhere was deserted. Gwen asks what about the investigation, and PC Andy says the usual procedures were followed, but there were no significant leads, and then non-sequiturs into "look, is this beneath you now?" because Gwen has that slappably smug look on her face. "No," says Gwen, by which she means "Yes." "So what's with the attitude?" asks PC Andy. "You've got a face like a slapped arse." And that, in a nutshell, is why PC Andy is my TV boyfriend.

Anyway, because the disappearance of a minor pales in significance to Gwen's social life, she tells PC Andy that she's waiting for him to explain why he wasn't at her wedding. Selfish unprofessional cow. PC Andy tells her his shifts got changed at the last minute and he had to work. Gwen Cooper, Stalker Extraordinaire, says she checked the duty logs and he had three days off. [Srsly, she's a freak show. "WHY WEREN'T YOU AT MY WEDDING? WERE YOU TOO JEALOUS? ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH ME? ME! ME! ME!" - Carrie] PC Andy says that he couldn't go because Rhys has a problem with him. Au contraire, replies Gwen, Rhys thinks you're awesome and 'tis you who has the problem with he, for thou art always calling him a fattie. Anyway, what it all boils down to is that PC Andy had a crush on Gwen three years ago and is Still In Love With Her. Because no man can resist the allure of Gwen's vagina, you see, even though she's a dangerously incompetent self-absorbed harpy with a really silly fringe. Oh, Andy. I had such high hopes for you, but I fear now we can never be together, for you are forever tainted by Gwen Cooties. [I am seriously disappointed with PC Andy, hitherto the only heterosexual man in Wales immune to Gwen's charms. - Georgi]

PC Andy tries to get back to the matter in hand, but Gwen bats the question away, pointing out that teenagers go missing every day - what was so special about this one? Good question, and one I keep hoping someone will put to the Daily Express soon. Gwen asks if there's anything strange about the case. "Like you don't know!" PC Andy replies, apparently not realising that what Gwen doesn't know could fill twenty university libraries. PC Andy shows Gwen the CCTV footage from the night, which apparently records stills every six seconds rather than continuous video, for some reason. [Perhaps Cardiff is backwards in technological terms? D'ya reckon all that "alien" technology is actually stuff that Ianto has ordered in from London? - Georgi] Gwen points out that a lot could've happened in the six seconds between Jonah's last appearance and his vanishing - he could've jumped - but PC Andy draws her attention to the glare in the bottom right corner, which wasn't there in the previous frame or the next. Gwen continues to plead ignorance (not too difficult) and PC Andy tartly informs her that she does know what went on, and shows her a still from 45 minutes later, featuring Captain Jack arriving in the Obviousmobile.

Torchwood Three. Tosh is scanning the computer records (drink!) and says there was no recognisable rift activity on that date, even when she checked three months either side and extended the radius by a mile. Gwen goes to see Jack, and asks if he was on the barrage (oh, it was a barrage, not a roadbridge. Please, pardon my ignorance) that night, and Jack makes up some cock and bull story about a coffee shack in the vicinity that he likes to frequent [if he'd said an intergalactic gay bar, it might have been more convincing - Georgi], but feigns ignorance of Jonah the Missing Boy. He asks Gwen if he wants her to look into it, and runs off weevil hunting with Ianto. I hope that isn't a euphemism. [What do they do with weevils once they get them? Are they killing them? Because that isn't very nice, and also they didn't seem bothered when there was a whole swarm of weevils in episode 7. Please explain. - Georgi]

Late night café. Gwen is meeting with PC Andy to tell him that Jack said it was a coincidence, and PC Andy spits out a few choices phrases such as "bloody Torchwood" and "fob me off". He tells Gwen that she's got "hard", which is presumably Welsh for "bitchy, self-involved and terminally stupid". [To be honest, it seems unlikely that it's just Torchwood which has made her that way. I'm pretty sure she pissed me off from the get-go. - Georgi] He says that she used to care about people, which I find hard to believe, and now she's sat here talking about coincidences. The Old Gwen, apparently, would've been off to talk to Nikki Bevan in a flash. PC Andy continues to taunt her, saying sarcastically that the case isn't spooky enough, and flounces out.

So Gwen goes to see Nikki Bevan, who was sort of expecting her, since Andy said she might be round to offer a "different sort of expertise", and if by "different" he meant "no", then he was correct. Gwen says she's "just a fresh eye". Nikki has lots of DVDs of crowd footage since Jonah disappeared, because anytime she sees a crowd she films it and reviews the footage in case she can see him. Seems like a rather high-maintenance way of trying to track someone down, since by the time you actually located them they'd be long gone, but eh, what do I know. [But she would find someone else who was there! Even though they would probably turn out to be a random stranger who just happened to be standing next to Jonah in the crowd! - Georgi] Nikki says it's the hope that's killing her, and asks Gwen if she thinks she's mad. Gwen tells Nikki that she'd make a great policewoman, but her focus and attention to detail make her overqualified for Torchwood. I might have added that last part. Nikki shows Gwen to Jonah's room, and says that sometimes she sleeps there, just to smell his scent on the pillows. And that's...kind of creepy, I'm sorry. She also fills in his diary, imagining she's him. Nikki's a whackjob. She wonders what she did wrong and tells Gwen that all she has is questions.

On her way out, Gwen asks about Jonah's father, and Nikki says that they were only together about six weeks; when Jonah's disappearance hit the headlines, she thought he might get in touch, but no such luck. She hands Gwen a flyer - Andy prompted her to start a support group for the families and friends of missing people, and invites Gwen to attend. Gwen is reluctant, since she doubts any of the conversation at the meeting will be about her, but Nikki is persistent, so Gwen says she'll try.

Chez Gwen. Gwen is late home again, and Lovely Rhys is cross. Gwen was meant to cook! And they were meant to talk about babies! Gwen says they should talk about that now, but since any talk of babies would be only 50% about her, she steers it to a topic that's more to her taste: The Legend That Is Gwen And Whether Gwen Has Changed Since Gwen Joined Torchwood Gwen Gwen Gwen Gwen Gwen. Rhys laughs when Gwen tells him that PC Andy still fancies her and that's why he didn't come to the wedding. "Poor sod," says Rhys, which was more or less my reaction, though I expect we arrived there from entirely discrete starting points. Gwen tells him she is a very sexy lady and he is a very lucky man Gwen Gwen Gwen, and they go off to have presumably Gwen-centric sex.

On what I assume is the next morning, Gwen brings Rhys toast in bed, and insists that he tells her he loves her, Gwen Gwen Gwen, when her phone rings - it's Tosh, who's dug up some new data on that night at the barrage. Gwen deserts Rhys and runs off.

In the hub, Tosh shows Gwen her findings - it looked at first like a blip on the system, so she just ignored it, but when she looked closer, she spotted a negative rift spike at the time Gwen was querying. The exact time, you say? So when Gwen asked you to look at it the first time, and there happened to be a blip at THE EXACT TIME Jonah went missing, you just handwaved it? Oh, Tosh. Why must you always be holding the idiot ball? Tosh says they always assumed the blips were residual, like an aftershock, but now she's wondering if it means something entirely different: they've always believed that things only come through the rift one way, but what if they're wrong - what if the rift doesn't just leave stuff there, but also takes it away? Oy. I mean, in all this time, no one's even mooted that as a possibility? Seriously? And these are the people to which the ultimate safety of the nation is entrusted? I hate to be blasphemous at such a time of religious significance, but: Jesus wept. Everyone in Torchwood is a fucking moron and ought to be struck off for malpractice. [Word. - Carrie] [Although I have no doubt that if there is some kind of Professional Association for the Prevention of Alien Invasion, Torchwood would be beyond it. - Georgi] Gwen asks who else knows about this? No one, Tosh says - she phoned Gwen as soon as she realised. She says it could be a coincidence or an anomaly - although if that were the case, shouldn't there be more dinosaurs around? Gwen thinks they should keep it to themselves, and runs out. [I wish Tosh would stop taking orders from Gwen. Who does she think she is? - Georgi]

Gwen is staring at a flyer for Nikki's support group, and PC Andy lumbers into view, noting that she's looking into it after all. Gwen informs him that she is still Old Gwen, although she doesn't know why she's deigning to help because he is "so rude". Pot? Kettle? They go in, and no one else is there besides Nikki. PC Andy quotes that line from Field of Dreams, which rings no bells with either Nikki or Gwen because they've both been living in airtight boxes for the past 20 years, only emerging to forage for grubs in the dead of night. Seriously? "If you build it, they will come" is not an obscure quotation anywhere in the English-speaking universe. Of that much I am sure. [And they haven't seen Wayne's World 2 either? - Carrie] PC Andy whispers to Gwen that it is going to be just them, which is, of course, the cue for a gazillion people to trickle in to discuss their missing loved ones, to Gwen and PC Andy's surprise. Gwen looks rather angry after a while, presumably because the thought of this many people not talking about her makes her feel ill.

Gwen has snotted her way outside, and PC Andy comes out to ask what's wrong. Gwen is cross. He only asked her to find one lad! There must be 40 or 50 missing people being discussed in there! Is Gwen to help him find all of them too? Does he not realise how that will cut into her busy schedule of making snotty remarks to everyone she meets and fucking up repeatedly? Suddenly Gwen gets a brainwave - if she investigates all of the missing people under the same parameters that applied to Jonah, perhaps she'll find a clue. Well, yeah. Isn't that a very basic principle of crime solving? Weren't you a policewoman before you decided that it was beneath you? Gwen runs off, shouting "cross-referencing!", which is repeated incredulously by PC Andy and, in a cut to the next scene, Tosh, leaving the whole thing a hair's breadth away from the "cataracts?" skit from Harry Hill's TV Burp.

Back at the hub, Gwen is trawling the records for the missing people in Cardiff over the past 10 years to check for negative rift elements. She and Tosh will do this COVERTLY. Lots of jump-cutty shots of Gwen and Tosh hard at work. Gwen sticks lots of pictures on a wall, and looks intense in the face. Work it, girl! Sure enough, there are many instances of missing people coinciding with a negative rift spike. Such a shame none of the other Torchwood employees entertained this as a concept over the past ten years, isn't it? Speaking of which, where's Owen this episode? And Ianto? It's sixteen minutes in already, and I am already sick to the back teeth of Gwen bloody Cooper. Tosh stares in disbelief at Gwen's Big Wall O' Missing Persons. "Now we tell Jack," says Gwen.

Oh! And here's a Torchwood team meeting, with Owen and Ianto also present, to justify Burn Gorman and Gareth David-Lloyd receiving their paycheques for this episode [and to make us happy because Ianto on screen is always good - Carrie]. Gwen outlines her findings, and Jack tells her it is good work, but he doesn't know what she wants them to do. Prevent it, of course, says Gwen. Jack asks Toshiko if they can predict the negative rift spikes, and Tosh replies in the negative, adding that they're gone in a matter of seconds anyway. Jack's all, "well, I'm shit out of ideas, then." Being an ass for no real reason other than Jack is an ass pretty much all the time these days, he snots at Gwen to tell him what they should do on a practical level. Gwen says they should help those left behind. Jack tells her it's nothing to do with them, and Owen backs him up, saying they need counselling and support, which is not in Torchwood's remit. And, well, yeah. The last people you'd want to counsel you in your time of darkest anguish are this lot, right? Just imagine Gwen on counselling duty: "I know you've been unable to sleep since your husband vanished three years ago, Mrs Evans, but tell me one thing: don't you think my hair would look better if I got chocolate-brown highlights?" Anyway, Gwen, still smarting from PC Andy's comment about her Not Caring About People, protests that they can and should help these people, but Jackass tells her unequivocally to "shut it down" and walks out. Ianto follows Jack like a puppy, presumably to try to talk him round. And by talk, I mean sex. Owen spouts that old cliché about God granting you the serenity to accept the things one cannot change. "Bollocks to serenity!" replies Gwen. Not a Joss Whedon fan, then? Tosh tells Gwen they did their best, and Gwen thanks her, glumly. In the distance, Jack makes a stern gesture towards Ianto and walks off.

In a park, Rhys is unpacking a picnic and midway through one of his monologues about people we do not know and are never likely to see until Gwen snaps "will you just stop wittering?" Rhys stares at her in disbelief and Gwen snits "thank you. God." Rather than punching her in the kidneys until she cries like any sensible person would do at this point, Rhys tells her sharply that he was not wittering, he was talking, and that he has been trying to talk to her for a long time now. Gwen snaps that they do not need to have the talk, because the answer is obvious: there will be no babies because of her job, Gwen Gwen Gwen. Torchwood does not do maternity leave, and while they're outside the government, one would think they'd have to observe the basic tenets of employment law, but apparently not. They've probably got a bunch of eastern European immigrants with no thumbs manning the engine room. Rhys's response. "Do you know? Sometimes I fucking hate you." Attaboy! Now kick her in the vagina! It's the source of all her power! He berates her for thinking that her group is all that matters, and that "being a hero" (questionable) is an end unto itself. He asks her why she does all of this, and when Gwen tries to splutter a response, he cuts her off: "Shut up! I'm talking now." [Ha ha ha! I love Rhys. - Georgi] This might be the best scene ever. He tells her curtly that she's protecting real life, and if she thinks that her shit is more important than real life, they're not going to last very long. Gwen apologises, and seems to mean it, but when she tries to blame it on work, Rhys spits that he doesn't care, and that she needs to sort it with work and not take it out on him. So much word. [Rhys is ACE. Remind me why he married Gwen? - Carrie]

Gwen enters the apparently deserted hub, and the siren that I like to refer to as "the Gwen alert" sounds. [It's not just me then - it really does only go off when Gwen walks in, doesn't it? - Georgi] She calls for Jack, but there is no response. She sees movement in Jack's office and strides in, only to happen upon naked Jack and naked Ianto, rutting away. "Oh God!" exclaims Gwen, in a "my eyes!" sort of way. Hee! She apologises and runs out again, while an obviously flustered Ianto fumbles for his clothes. Through the glass windows of the office, it looks like Gwen's dry-heaving as she makes her escape. I should imagine naked Barrowman has that effect on a lot of people.

Ianto runs out after her, and Gwen apologises, saying that she didn't know and wouldn't have dreamed of walking in if she'd realised, which is Jack's cue to swagger out and tell her that there's "always room for one more". And now I'm dry-heaving too. Great. [Ew. I actually shouted out loud in disgust at this bit. My poor Ianto. - Carrie][Captain Jack has not even bothered to do up his flies. What does he think he is, an underwear model? - Georgi] After some banter about naked hide-and-seek (Ianto claims that Jack cheats, and I don't even want to know how that works), Jack asks what Gwen wants, and Gwen tells him that she wants Jonah Bevan to be her special project, which she will work on independently without draining time or resources from anyone else. [Actually, it would probably help everyone else do their jobs, because Gwen wouldn't be around so much to balls things up. - Georgi] Despite this being a polite and considered proposition, especially surprising considering the source, Jack shoots it right down. "I don't know how I can be any clearer," he says, assily. Gwen is confused: "Tosh has her projects. Ianto has his projects. Why can't I?" I'm not sure "after-hours sex with Jack" really counts as a project, Gwen. "Leave it alone," says Jackass. "I can't," says Gwen. So Jackass turns to the last resort of the eternally passive-aggressive and says condescendingly to Ianto, "coming back in? We've got work to do." [Apparently it is a project after all - Georgi] Gwen says they're not finished, and Jack says they are. An apologetic-looking Ianto, hopefully realising what a shitslice his fuckbuddy truly is, tells Gwen there's a package on her desk. Gwen goes to investigate the package. It's an electronic device of some kind. She gets a phone call from PC Andy, who tells her there's a cup of tea with her name of it.

In the café, PC Andy asks doubtingly if this is really to help them find Jonah Bevan. Gwen tells him it's very important and technological, and he mustn't touch it. At which point Andy rather gleefully informs her that it's a common-or-garden GPS device, about as technological as his mobile phone. Hah! Pwnage of Gwen by PC Andy makes everything better. Switching it on, it points to some deserted scrubland in the middle of the Bristol channel. Gwen asks PC Andy to get them some more tea, and while his back's turned, she phones Ianto, accusing him of being the one who left the GPS device for her. Ianto feigns nonchalence and has to swifty hang up, because in the background Jack is hollering his name like Henry VIII on the way back from the divorce court, looking for a comely wench to behead. I think I might actually hate Jack more than I hate Gwen. PC Andy returns and says they'll hire a boat in the morning, because there are some boat skippers who owe him a favour. Is it wrong that I immediately assumed they owed him sexual favours? I am so writing PC Andy/Boat Skipper backstory slash when this episode is over. Gwen tries to get him to let her go out in the boat on her own, but no dice: PC Andy is part of the investigation now. Gwen concedes, and PC Andy fishes to ask if there are any vacancies coming up at Torchwood. Gwen leads him on, because she is a cow, although in all honesty I would trade Gwen and Jack in for PC Andy in a heartbeat.

Gwen arrives home. There are blankets left out for her, the implication being apparently that she is to sleep on the sofa.

Docks. PC Andy is shaking hands with a salty sea-dog. OTP! Maybe not. He tells Gwen it's fifty quid, and Gwen balks at the price, suggesting they offer £35. "Gwen," replies PC Andy, deadpan, "I'm not being funny. If you want to haggle, go to Morocco." I heart PC Andy. Andy gives the sea-dog his money (and maybe also whispers the address at which he will be lying naked and waiting at 8pm tonight) and Gwen commands him to go and get tea. [I'm waiting for PC Andy, at some point, to tell Gwen to fuck off and get her own bloody tea. Lazy wench. - Georgi] Tea appears to have played a more pivotal role in this episode than Owen has, so far. PC Andy does not, as I would, push her into the sea and leave her to drown, but goes to get tea. Pussy. With Andy's back turned (really, he should never ever turn his back to Gwen again), she runs up to the salty sea dog and offers him £100 if he takes her now. Er, out on the boat, I mean. Two teas in hand, PC Andy turns around to see the boat sailing without him as Gwen fastens her lifejacket. "Oi!" he shouts, but to no avail. PC Andy may be a beast between the sheets, but he is apparently no match for the hypnotic allure of Gwen's all-conquering vagina. Gwen holds her hand up in an apologetic pretence and shouts that she is sorry. PC Andy is not convinced, and neither are the three million people watching at home. But on the bright side, he now has two cups of tea and no Gwen, which is a silver lining in my book.

Sea! Gwen does her best Jan Harvey impression. The boat drops her on the scrubland, where she ought to feel right at home, and she gets out the GPS. Gwen strides around looking purposeful, and finds a lighthouse, which she enters and climbs up. Looking down, she sees three people walking along a path, one with his(?) head covered by a jacket serving as some kind of shroud - and one Captain Jack Harkness walking directly behind them. Ruh-roh! Gwen gives chase into some sort of underground bunker. She opens a cover and presses a button, which appears to be some sort of intercom. A flustered female voice asks who she is, and she says that she is from (the top secret) Torchwood, and quotes her access number, saying she is with Jack. The voice says he's supposed to warn them of visitors in advance, and Gwen chuckle-grimaces that he's a law unto himself. The door's opened by a pleasantly-cheerful lady in pink hospital scrubs. [Ooh, so much high security! Seeing as Jack is fucking THERE they could surely check with him that Gwen is allowed in? - Carrie]

Inside there are more people in scrubs, and some old people in armchairs and wheelchairs. Scrubs Lady asks Gwen if it's her first time, and says they all find it hard at first. Gwen asks how many people are down there, while walking past nameplates on doors saying things like EARL and SAEED. Scrubs Lady is surprised no one told her. Gwen hears a man sobbing bitterly and asks if he's okay. Hey, she's still Old Gwen after all! Scrubs Lady says they do all they can. She passes a door marked CAROLINE and is clearly about to ask a snotty question when the penny drops like it did for the viewing audience about thirty seconds ago - she flashes back to a missing poster for the same Caroline, as well as Earl, Saeed and Alice, and realises that all the missing people are here. She asks what Scrubs Lady is doing to them and Jack appears from nowhere to tell Helen (for that is her name) that he'll take it from here. He asks how she found out, and asks if it was Ianto. Gwen tells him to get the fuck away from her, and asks what he's doing to the people who vanished in the rift, before her eyes fall on a sign that says, in childlike handwriting, "Jonah's room". "He's been here all along!" she gasps. Jack tells her it's not that simple. "OPEN IT NOW!" she bellows. ["FUCK YOU, GWEN!" Captain Jack bellows back. "I THINK YOU'RE FORGETTING WHO'S IN CHARGE ROUND HERE." Or, you know, not. - Georgi]

Gwen swings the door open and walks into the mouldy room slowly. She tells the man in the room she's looking for Jonah. "Why?" replies a gruff voice, the body of which we can only see vaguely from behind, so we know something will be Horribly Wrong - and indeed, Jonah's head is about twice the size, and appears to be scarred from terrible burns. Gwen asks what happened to him. Jonah tells her that when he woke up after the light, the land was on fire, and a man took him from the flames into a building. He tried to treat the burns. He wondered why the building was shaking, only to realise it wasn't a building, but a rescue craft, and that he was at the edge of the solar system watching a burning planet, and it was beautiful. Or something. I don't know, all that exposition took about ten seconds, and if they can't be bothered to expand on it, I can't be bothered to make sense of it. Gwen cries a single perfect tear and tells him she is very sorry for what happened. Jonah asks if he can trust her to tell the truth (NO!) and Gwen says of course. He asks if he's home, and she says yes. Gwen says she's come to tell him his mother is still looking for him. Jonah is surprised that his mum is still alive, not realising he's only been missing for seven months, because he "was lost so long". Gwen tells him he's safe. Jonah asks for Gwen to bring his mother to see him.

Gwen sits atop the scrubland. Jack joins her. Jack tells her that when he joined Torchwood there were two like Jonah left in the vaults, neglected. Entirely unlike the way they treat the Weevils now, of course. Jack says he wanted them looked after and set the place up to look after them, telling the staff they were experiments gone wrong. [The staff, presumably, just said, "Oh, right. Experiments gone wrong." Whose fucking experiments?! Also, if they were so concerned about looking after them properly, how about a lick of paint and some pleasant surroundings, instead of putting them up in the Crystal Maze's Industrial zone? Am sure Ianto could advise on interior furnishings. - Georgi] He says there are seventeen of them so far, and more have appeared in the last year. Gwen says their families have a right to know. Jack says there is no cure for what has happened. Gwen says she wants to bring Nikki to see Jonah. Jack says absolutely not, how can he tell her that her son has aged 40 years in seven months, is scarred, can no longer look after himself, etc. Gwen, quite rightly, points out that they do not have the right to hide this from her. Jack says that if she tells Nikki, she'll have to tell her about the rift AND Torchwood. But, as has been established in every episode prior to this, the entire western hemisphere knows about Torchwood, so quite what they have to lose, I do not know. Gwen insists they owe Nikki the truth, and asks Jack whether he'd want to know this if he'd lost someone, which is Barrowman's cue to look Haunted (By Constipation). Gwen pleads with him to let her try.

Gwen goes to see Nikki, and gives her the good(?) news.

PC Andy's phone rings; it is Gwen. PC Andy is righteously pissed with her, as one might expect. Gwen tells him that she has explained to Nikki about Torchwood and what they do (we did not get to see Nikki responding "well, duh, everyone knows that", sadly) and needs PC Andy to confirm that she is not mad, dangerous or a liar. I'm not sure he could do that in good conscience even if he wasn't cross with her right now. PC Andy berates Gwen for using him, and makes her admit she wasn't going to recommend him to join Torchwood. Gwen tells Andy that if he helps her, she can make things right, so an exasperated Andy tells her to put Nikki on the phone.

Boat. Nikki is apprehensive. Gwen is calm. That's it, really.

Sekrit Hospital for Rift Orphans. Gwen reminds Nikki that she won't recognise Jonah at first, but Nikki just wants to see him. Nikki walks in slowly, smiling nervously, and tells Jonah to turn around. But when he does, she starts yelling "NO! NO!" and getting very upset indeed, asking Gwen what she's done to her. Gwen insists that it's Jonah, and Nikki is all "THAT IS NOT MY SON!" and demands to get out. Jonah's all "yellow crayon!" except in this case, the yellow crayon is the door of a flatpack wardrobe they made together with a loose left hinge. Nikki starts to break down with recognition, and so does Jonah. Nikki's face cracks, and fills with emotion (Ruth Jones is awesome here), and Jonah's all "I was lost for so long!" and Nikki reaches out to touch his burned face and they hug. Helen comes in and tells Nikki she has to leave Jonah now for his own benefit. Nikki is not having this; she wants to take Jonah home with her. Helen and Gwen insist this is not possible, and Nikki counters that she'll say he's her father. Once again Helen insists that's not allowed and a tearful Nikki is all "he's my son, I'll say what's allowed!"

Now Jonah is sitting down, muttering "it's started again". When Nikki asks what precisely has started again, Helen says it's the downswing - Nikki saw him in his good phase, which gets briefer every day. Nikki says she's not leaving, and Helen says she should at least move away. Nikki asks why, and her response is an ear-splitting scream from Jonah that seems to go on forever.

Unexpected Gwen Voiceover sez: "I'd never heard a sound like it. This primal howl. The scream lasts twenty hours every day. Before the rift returned him, Jonah had looked into the heart of a dark star. What he'd seen had driven him mad." [Could they not have had Nurse Helen explain this, instead of Stupid Gwen's voiceover? - Georgi]

One week later; Nikki's flat. Gwen is there again, telling Nikki she can visit during the good phase. Nikki asks her to promise she won't do this to anyone else. She says that before she had the memory of the good times, but now all she has is the terrible noise. Gwen meekly says that she thought Nikki wanted to know. Nikki replied that she did, but she was wrong, saying pointedly: "before you, I had hope." Ooh, that smarts. [Ungrateful whore. - Carrie] Gwen leaves. Nikki clears away all of her crowd footage videos, juxtaposed with Gwen tearing down the Wall O' Missing Persosns. Both of them are sad. Nikki starts to strip Jonah's room of his teenage effects. Gwen locks all of her missing person sheets in a filing cabinet. Nikki sniffs Jonah's clothes and unleashes gut-wrenching sobs. Gwen locks up and Jack looks on, apparently not feeling all that apologetic for being an ass over something he could, quite frankly, have explained very simply and ultimately saved everyone from all of this bother. Ass.

Gwen goes home and lights a candle. Rhys enters, and asks if this is an apology. [I'd have wanted more than some bloody candles. Poor long-suffering Rhys. - Georgi] Gwen tells him tonight they will talk about what he wants, and looks genuinely sincere. I wonder how long it will last this time? Rhys asks if she's okay, since obviously such a display of selflessness in his wife is cause for alarm. Gwen cries, and Rhys hugs her. He asks if she wants to sit down, and she nods. He pulls her in close and encourages her to tell him everything from the beginning. Aww. [I guess they will talk about what Rhys wants another time then... - Georgi]

Next time: backstory for everyone (even Tosh, amazingly) as they face apparent death! Jack's face in the aftermath of what appears to be a hardcore bukkake session! An explosion blows everyone except Gwen to smithereens! Maybe.

Fair's fair

2008-03-19T14:49:00.000-07:00

Episode 2.10: 'From Out Of The Rain'
Tx: 19th March 2008

Torchwood are fighting for the future on behalf of the human race. Anyone else find that a really worrying prospect?

The Past. A fairground. Many sideshows. Moustachioed top-hatted ringmaster man lures a young girl inside one of the attractions. Then the entire fair disappears. A young woman in a nice hat is bewildered, for she is the only one left in the field.

Titles!

Cardiff! A man is watching old footage of some description. Jack is wandering around Torchwood Three. Cut back to the young man, who is watching random old film clips, and then footage of the fairground. Cut back to Jack, who seems to be confused yet trying to look alert, though this could just be Barrowman's variable acting giving this mixed message. Cut back to the young man, whose window has burst open, and the film is being taken off the projector thing, yet still showing on the screen.

Cardiff! Jack asks Tosh if she heard a pipe organ being played. She did not. He wants to know where Ianto is. He has gone to the cinema with Owen and Gwen. That sounds like a fun night out. [And they apparently did not invite Tosh to accompany them on their jollies. Bitches. - Steve] Outside, it is pissing down. Drenched Ianto looks cute. They go inside the old-fashioned cinema building. The building manager wants to know where his son is, because he has the film. I am guessing the young man with the archive footage is his son. He's running around the back streets of Cardiff, while Jack cruises them in the ObviousMobile.

Ianto loves the old cinema. The manager shouts at his son for being late, and is uninterested in his excuses. The son runs up to the projector room to put the film on. The manager introduces the showing of the archive film, complete with piano music accompaniment from a man named Bernard. Gwen sniggers. Owen encourages her. Ianto is annoyed. The film suddenly switches into fairground footage, and everyone is confused. The manager runs up to the projection room to shout at his son some more. The projector won't switch off.

Gwen takes the piss some more. Owen wants to go. Ianto says, "Wait!" He has just seen Jack on the footage! ZOMG! [And lovely Gwen and lovely Owen find this so credible that they don't even bother to look at the screen. Wankers. - Steve] The screen goes black. Gwen and Owen demand that they leave immediately. There's a weird spooky sound. Ianto is freaked.

Tosh is, of course, still by herself in Torchwood Three doing work. Jack is parked outside the cinema, and then rushes in. Ianto explains that shadows rushed past him, and Jack was on screen as part of the travelling show. Jack says that he heard the music and it was beautiful. Ianto is doing some good tortured thinking. Jack wanders off. How can he not want to cuddle Ianto ALL THE TIME? (He doesn't deserve to have Ianto-cuddles.-Joel)

A girl is on the phone outside the cinema in the pissing rain. Two people from the travelling show, the ringmaster dude and what I presume is a dancer girl, appear and approach her to sell her a ticket, and then try to lure her into joining the show itself. She is understandably freaked out, then more so when they...steal her breath, maybe? I'm sure all will become clear.

Jack and Ianto are interviewing the projection room boy about the film clips and why the machine didn't run. The boy got the footage from the basement of the cinema, and says that wasn't meant to be shown - it was like it wanted to be shown. The boy heard noises and smelt smells. Tosh talks to Jack through his *touches ear* earpiece to report rift activity near the cinema. Shocker. (Seriously. Rift activity is like glowing rocks in early-season Smallville.-Joel)

Cardiff! Jack, Ianto, Gwen and Owen are in the ObviousMobile. They find the girl whose breath has been stolen. Her face is a funny colour and her mouth is all pinched and weird. Jack thinks she might be epileptic. What the fuck? What evidence does he base that on? Owen examines her in doctorly fashion - she has a heartbeat, but she isn't breathing. He recommends taking her to hospital. Ya think? See, I know that he can't do CPR because he has no breath due to BEING DEAD, but surely Gwen or Ianto could?

The two travelling show people approach the window of the Windsor Cafe, where a woman is clearing up for the day. They try to force entry. She lets them in. Why would you let people who look that weird into your empty building? The woman says, "Make her cry...I want to drink her tears." [That's just asking to catch meningitis. - Steve] Not very friendly. The man does the same trick again.

Hospital. Owen and Jack are chatting over the body of the stolen-breath girl, who is called Netty Williams. Owen says her condition is like when the spider sucks the life out of its victims, except she's been left partly alive. Ianto bursts in - "there's been another one!" It's the cafe woman, of course. Jack diagnoses her as being "the same", even though he has neither doctoral qualifications nor a medical coat.

Cardiff, the extended aerial shot remix. The team are sitting around in the hub watching the fair footage. It is indeed Jack in the film - Ianto is vindicated. Jack was a song-and-dance man. If ever there was a cue for an unwanted Barrowman musical interlude, this is it, surely? [After all, HE KNOWS HIS CRAFT. - Steve] Owen says, "He's part of this freak show!" Jack replies, "Some things never change." Gwen admires the weightlifter's leotard. Jack notices a bunch of people he never worked with, but who worked only in the dead of night, and says there was a ghost story - "they came from out of the rain - that's how people described them...they left a trail of damage and sorrow wherever they performed." Too. Many. Jokes. [And now I have Wendy Moten's 'Come In Out Of The Rain' stuck in my head. Thanks a lot, Torchwood. - Steve]

Ianto asks Tosh to slow the footage down frame by frame. He's not sure what he's looking for, but something is wrong. Then he notices - it's not the same one they saw at the cinema. There was a woman in front of the water tank before - and NOW SHE IS NOT THERE. And there was a man in a top hat - and NOW HE IS NOT THERE EITHER. In case we had not grasped it, Tosh asks, "So what are we saying, two people from a piece of film have decided to go AWOL?" They have been let loose and become physical incarnations again, obviously, and Jack decides that gathering evidence about what they used to do is the best course of action, saying, "Ianto, with me - I need your local knowledge." Gwen pulls a face and says, "Oh, is that what you're calling it these days?"

Jack and Ianto are in the boardroom. Nobody ever knew the Night Travellers were coming - they didn't have a huge publicity campaign like Jack's company. Jack used to be billed as The Man Who Can't Die.

Ooh, black and white, just so we know we're in the past again, then it's into colour, but we are still in the past, at the fairground. The ringmaster is doing shouting and enticing, and is advertising Pearl "who lives in water...a living mermaid", who is the girl who is wandering around with him in today's Cardiff, by the way. He says, "She will take your breath away." OH I SEE. HOW CLEVER.

Jack asks Ianto if there are any other old cinemas in Cardiff. Most of them have been converted. Tosh is "registering the sea...running through the centre of town". A family are driving down the road, and the husband slams the brakes on to avoid the travellers. His wife is confused, and then is terrified when the ringmaster looks through her window. Jack thinks the travellers are here to get revenge and a new audience. Gwen and Owen are sceptical about Tosh picking up 'the sea' on her fancy-schmancy computer system.

The mermaid is putting her hands in puddles then rubbing the water on herself. The ringmaster is watching her and cackling in a sinister fashion. He then sniffs and licks her arms. She asks, "How many now?" He responds, "Six." She says she wishes she could see the air they once breathed, and he tells her that she can't. She enthuses about having an audience of ghosts who can never leave. She wants to bring the others here too, because they should be there with them, and not in a cupboard. He says they need the rest of the film first.

Cardiff! They're in the hospital, and the two little kids from the car-braking family are there and all vaguely coma-ised. So are the parents, but we don't get to see them. "They came from out of the rain," Jack muses. The nurse recognises those words, which one of her patients, Christina, from Providence Park psychiatric hospital, once said to her. Whenever an entertainment show was on, she was scared, and ran away and hid - "She said they were coming to steal her last breath." That's a fortunate coincidence, isn't it, that it was this particular nurse on duty today? Jack is pleased, for he has found their first witness.

Jack and Ianto go to visit Christina, and push her around the grounds in her wheelchair. She tells Jack his eyes are older than his face, and this is a bad thing because he doesn't belong, and he is from nowhere. [And also, because he has had Botox. - Steve] She tells them about the people who came out of the rain - there was hurdy-gurdy music, and acrobats, and a man in dark clothes, and a beautiful young woman in a silvery costume. Cut to the mermaid girl putting her hands in puddles, this time in a disused swimming pool, and rubbing the water on herself again. She opens the door to some sort of beach hut, and there are six figures standing in there, which I presume are the six victims we've seen so far this episode, but it's dark so I can't see that properly. Christina tells Ianto that he was touched by them as they passed by, and that the man asked her if she wanted to join the travelling show. She asked him his name, and he told her he was the Ghost Maker, and wanted to take her breath and put it in his flask, and then she could be in his audience forever. Obviously, Christina ran away. Other people went missing from the village that night, including her parents. Aw. Her parents, who were MADE INTO GHOSTS. (I think they need to draft Christina in permanently. She's awesome, clearly observant, which would serve Torchwood well, and clearly wouldn't put up with Jack or Gwen's bullshit.-Joel)

Back at the hub, Gwen has evidence of people going missing when the fair was in town, and breath being stolen from people. The team decide that if they can find the flask, they can save the victims. Whoop!

Projection boy is wandering around with his satchel. He is spooked by spooky noises. He goes into his flat, where there are reels of film lying around, and also a bath full to the brim with water. Guess who's in it? Yep, mermaid girl. She sits bolt upright, terrifies him, and he runs away very fast. Ringmaster man says it's time to bring the others. Projection boy rings Jack and tells them to get over there in the ObviousMobile straight away. Jack and Ianto go in with guns poised. No sign of the travellers now, though, just a hella lot of water everywhere.

Projection boy's parents are at the cinema, and don't understand why they can hear the piano playing. They understand even less when they go into the auditorium and there's no bugger sitting at the piano. Mermaid girl approaches them and shines a torch in their faces. "This way, please," she says.

Projection boy says that all his cases of film have been opened, and they had clips from circus sideshows on. Jack says they need to stop them bringing the others through. No kidding. Projection boy and Ianto can both smell chemicals. Jack wonders what would happen if they filmed the travellers. They hypothesise that they would be TRAPPED, and then if they over-exposed the film, then the travellers would be LOST FOREVER.

Gwen calls for assistance at the cinema, and the team burst through the locked doors. Projection boy's parents have had their breath stolen, of course. Ianto tells him that they've been frozen in place because the circus needs an audience. The curtains open, the lights blaze, and footage begins to run of the fair. Owen runs upsairs, while Jack and Ianto stand there with their camera. They are a little surprised, however, when the strongman comes out of the film and into the room. And then so do the rest of the travellers. Cut to Owen bashing on the projection room door. Cut back to the mermaid declaring, "This whole city belongs to us!" Cut back to Owen outside the door, which opens, with the ringmaster coming out and demanding, "What are you?", for, as we know, Owen has no breath to steal. (Owen's mouth strethes out all wide and freaks me the HELL out.-Joel) The ringmaster tries to hit Gwen, which is understandable, and while he's caught unaware, Ianto steals the flask of breath and runs and runs. Meanwhile, the travellers march around the auditorium. And then the ringmaster sneaks up on Ianto and steals the flask back. He throws it into the air, and Ianto shouts, "No! Please! If the breath escapes, all the victims will die!" Jack is racing after them, and is filming the entire exchange on his camera, then tugs the film out. The travellers disappear, but, although Ianto has caught the flask, so do some of the non-breathing victims. Ianto can only hear one breathing pattern in the flask. He is upset. Jack is pleased because they have saved one. BUT WHICH ONE?

They're back in the hospital, and the only one WHO IS NOT DEAD is the little boy from the car family. Jack checks his breathing, and tells the nurse to help him. Yeah, that's great medical care - let clunking old Captain Jack march in, pick up small children and pour breath from a flask into his body. The child does worse acting than Barrowman at this point, and begins to cough. "It worked," says Ianto, just in case we hadn't noticed, and he goes all teary-eyed. (Good news little boy - your entire family is DEAD, but you're okay!-Joel) [See you on The X Factor in August! - Steve]

Cardiff at night; Cardiff in the morning. Ianto has destroyed the films. Jack is worried about all the other long-lost pieces of footage that could be used by the Night Travellers. Ianto seems unbothered, and gives Jack the flask.

A car-boot sale. A man buys a reel of film. Cut back to Torchwood Three, where Jack opens the safe. Cut back to the car-boot sale, where the reel is dropped on the floor, and Jack can suddenly hear the pipe organ music again. And that's your lot. Ooooh, how dramatic, a cliffhanger ending of sorts. [Ten quid says we never hear from them again, though. - Steve]

Marriage - Torchwood-style

2008-03-13T14:47:00.000-07:00

Episode 2.09 'Something Borrowed'
TX date: 12th March 2008

Quick flashback to start: Gwen needs stability and someone she can rely on, so she is getting married to Rhys. Jack is pissy about it.

We are informed that it is Friday night, in a pub. There are some girls in matching red t-shirts and fluffy pink cowboy hats - a hen do, in other words. Except the bride to be is late. Then Gwen shows up, and they sing rude songs about her "taking it up the aisle". She was late, obv, because she was working. The question that's bothering us viewers, meanwhile, is: Where the fuck did Gwen's friends come from? She barely has time to see her husband-to-be, never mind arranging a wedding... WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?

Cut to two hours earlier. Gwen is chasing some kind of people-eating monster. Owen is at the comms station. I thought he wasn't good at that sort of thing. She goes down into some public toilets, and a man is there. She thinks he is just a member of the public but OH NOEZ he is a red-eyed monster. She ineffectually shoots at him, and he runs off. Gwen tells the others that it's a shapeshifter, and is leaving a trail of black blood. Back on the street, he has shapechanged again but Gwen's sharp and recognises him because he's limping, and gives chase.

Cut to hen night. Gwen asks if there will be any food on the menu - but no, mainly booze, apparently. Hooray for Binge-drinking Britain, eh? Then a police-themed male stripper turns up. Is he allowed to do that in public?

Cut to (presumably) slightly less than two hours earlier. Gwen is pointing her gun at nothing very much and gets jumped by the monster.

Cut to the hen night in the bathroom. Gwen has a bandage on her arm. They talk about Rhys's cock.

Cut to earlier. Jack shoots the nasty monster, but not before it bites Gwen's arm.

Cut to hen night. She says she's wearing a fucking BANDAGE on her arm but it is "just a scratch". Yeees.

Alarm. 7.00 am. Saturday morning, in case you didn't realise. Gwen's wedding dress is on the wardrobe. The Super Furry Animals are playing on the stereo, just in case you didn't realise this was Wales. She gets out of bed, only to realise she's got a huge baby bump. Yep, Gwen is up the duff by a nasty alien. Ooops. This is why you shouldn't have your hen night the day before the wedding, ladies. Who knows what might happen? [Seriously, does anyone do that any more? What is this, 1988? - Steve]

Roll credits!

Owen is examining Gwen's bump, because he is a DOCTOR (although he's not wearing his white lab coat). He confirms she is pregnant. She says she can't be. Jack is sarcastic about it, which is perhaps not all that helpful. Gwen: "What with?" That alien last night, says Jack. It passed the egg on in the bite. [Either that, or she just shagged it when no one was looking. I wouldn't put it past her. - Steve] Owen says she's going to be fine. She's carrying an alien egg but she'll be alright because they have "procedures in place". Gwen: "You mean this has happened before?" Jack: "You've heard of immaculate conception, right?" Is he suggesting that the baby Jesus was an alien? Blasphemy. Owen says he's going to take her back to the hub and do some doctory stuff in his white lab coat, and in a couple of days she'll be fine. Gwen points out that she's supposed to be getting married in five hours' time, although personally I'd be like, "Fuck the wedding, get the frackin' alien out of my belly!" Jack and Owen tell her she can't get married but she refuses. Gwen refuses to postpone the wedding because "Rhys has had to put up with enough as it is." Well, maybe you should be nicer to him the rest of the fucking time! Stupid cow. He'll have to put up with those wedding photos forever. Jack tells her she's not thinking straight, and she shouts at him. She says since she's not in any immediate danger, wedding first, alien abortion later.

Rhys's mate's flat. Rhys is asleep on the sofa. The phone rings. It is Gwen, obv. She tells Rhys she needs to see him. He's all like, "Bad luck before the wedding!" but then reality hits and he realises Gwen has ruined this day as well as every other. Poor Rhys.

Torchwood Three. They're talking about Gwen. Jack reckons it will be okay as long as she doesn't go into labour: "Rhys might forgive her for going down the aisle pregnant but not if she gives birth to a razor-toothed monster that eats half his family." I dunno, Rhys is very forgiving. Owen has to do alien autopsy. Tosh is going to the wedding to keep an eye on Gwen. Ianto is in charge of getting Gwen a new, bigger wedding dress. I think I would want Ianto to choose my wedding dress. [But that would mean he couldn't be the groom - is that a sacrifice you're sure you want to make? - Steve] [Nope, not me. I would, however, let Tosh be my bridesmaid, the poor cow. - Carrie]

Gwen's flat. Rhys comes storming in demanding to know whether she's having second thoughts, but Gwen says she isn't and reveals the bump. Rhys is, naturally, taken aback. I like how she could hide it behind her arms. Perhaps that's her plan for the wedding photos. Nobody will ever notice... [Gwen clearly doesn't watch enough TV. Carry a big basket of laundry, stand behind the breakfast bar, have your head removed from your body for a whole episode...the possibilities are endless! - Steve]

A wedding dress shop. Ianto looks like he's eyeing up the dresses for himself. He tells the shop assistant that he's looking for a friend, and the man replies, "You'd be surprised, we're quite used to men buying for their friends." Ianto looks a bit dejected. Still, I wouldn't be surprised if he and Captain Jack decide to keep the dress when Gwen's done with it... just in case. [But Jack Does Not Love Ianto. Poor Ianto. He deserves so much better. - Carrie]

Gwen's flat. Rhys: "Bastard Torchwood!" Quite. "You're pregnant!" Gwen doesn't know what to say. Rhys shouts at her a bit, but then apologises because he is lovely. He is annoyed at Captain Jack, mainly because he doesn't like him, understandably, but also because he sent her out fighting aliens the day before the wedding. Gwen is all like "It's my job!" I wonder how much they get paid. It'd have to be pretty good, right? [On the basis that both Tosh and Owen appear to live in flats the size of gladiatorial arenas, I'm going to say yes. - Steve] Rhys demands gruffly whether Gwen is going to be alright, and she says Owen has "this big machine thing". Rhys: "Good!" Hee. Rhys sensibly starts planning to postpone the wedding, but Gwen refuses. Rhys tells her to forget the money, "I want you where they can look after you." Awww, he is so sweet! He says getting married doesn't matter that much, and Gwen shrieks, "It matters to me!" I think it's the first time this series that Gwen has actually been vaguely likeable. [Confession: I really liked Gwen in this episode. I think it helped that they played most of it for laughs, because Eve Myles really is very good with comedy. - Steve]

Torchwood Three. Owen is preparing to chop up the nasty alien. Tosh comes down to "talk to him" or something, but clearly is just trying to titillate him in her wedding get-up. He says she looks "Drop dead gorgeous", aaah, and she asks what he's wearing. He says he wasn't going to go, and she says it'll be fun. Owen: "Have you ever seen a dead man dance?" Tosh: "I've seen Fred Astaire in Easter Parade. Twice." Owen: "God you need a date... which this isn't, is it?" Tosh lies through her teeth and says it isn't - she just wants him to come. To the wedding. He agrees, soft touch Owen. Tosh looks pleased.

Gwen's parents have arrived, and are somewhat shocked. She tells them that she and Rhys wanted it to be a surprise - and she can get away with it because she hasn't been to visit them for ages, the heartless cow, because she has been so busy at work. I'm surprised anyone can be chuffed to turn up for her wedding, frankly. When did she find the time to organise it? Her parents seem to disapprove of her Torchwood job, as well they might. Anyway, after scolding her for not visiting and not phoning, her parents look really pleased. What are they going to think when they don't have a lickle baby? Poor parents. Heartless Gwen.

Aerial shot of Cardiff! Drink!

A Country House Hotel type place. Gwen and her parents arrive, and then Rhys's parents turn up. Their mums clearly hate each other, but fortunately Gwen has managed to hoof it while they're being snarky about each other's outfits so that Rhys's parents don't see - although they're bloody going to eventually, aren't they? Her parents are left to break the news.

Rhys is already in their room, and Gwen tells him that they "haven't thought this through". No shit! Oh, she is actually concerned about having to tell their parents that she's lost the baby. I guess she's not that heartless after all. Do you see what I mean about Gwen being likeable in this episode? Rhys suggests that she tells the truth - yeah, right - because "The lies don't work." Gwen points out that the truth in this case is hardly better. Then Jack phones to check up on her and says Tosh is coming to keep an eye on her. Gwen says she doesn't need a babysitter - which we all know isn't true, even when she isn't carrying an alien foetus - and then Rhys manfully grabs the phone and tells Captain Jack where to stick his help and hangs up on him when he is saying congratulations. Hee! I love Rhys. Gwen says it's not his fault, but most things can be blamed on Captain Jack, I feel.

Back at the hotel, Gwen's friends are arriving. "This place is nice, isn't it?" "Class on toast." Are they doing some kind of class commentary? Rhys's mates are twats. Also one of them is called Banana. That's not a name. Tosh arrives with a big box, and Banana tries to chat her up, but she tells him bananas make her vomit. He doesn't look like he understands.

Never mind, though, because in the bar there's a woman who doesn't seem to mind being flirted with - danger! She tells Rhys's mate Mervyn that she "likes to put on a show". I don't think she means quite what they think she means.

Back in Gwen's room, Tosh has brought Gwen the new expanded wedding dress. Tosh tells her that "Jack sent me over with this", and Gwen coos over how beautiful it is - but poor Ianto gets none of the kudos. He chose it! Tosh tells Gwen that she thinks it's nice that Gwen's "getting married whatever", even though she must realise it's all going to go horribly wrong at some point. Tosh is mainly jealous that she doesn't have someone to marry. Gwen: "There's always Owen." Tosh remarks that "Till death do us part" might sound like a bad joke, ignoring the fact that she's been doing, let's face it, a terrible job of seducing Owen. Tosh wishes Gwen good luck and leaves.

Back at Torchwood Three, Jack approves of the dress that Ianto chose (a bit late now!) and Ianto says he "estimated Gwen's size from the hub security laser scans". What, they keep vials of blood of all the employees, yet their dress sizes aren't on the database? Ianto reveals that his dad was a "master tailor" who could "size a man's inside leg measurement by his stride across the shop threshold". Like father, like son, yuk yuk. Jack and Ianto were just going to flirt a bit [horribly, I might add - Steve], when Owen comes striding across the threshold, as it were.

Down in the autopsy room, Owen has found the proteus gland - a shapeshifting organ of a nostrovite? No, me neither. It means trouble though, apparently.

In the bar, the she-monster is still flirting with Mervyn, despite the fact that he pricks her when trying to pin on a corsage. She asks him if he feels like "getting a bite", haw haw. Danger! Tosh comes to the bar for another spritzer and sees black blood on the woman's napkin - hopefully enough to set alarm bells ringing. [Though she was in earshot when the shapeshifter made the non-subtle bite comment and didn't pick up on it. Tosh has the idiot ball this week. - Steve]

Gwen's bridesmaids turn up to discover she's pregnant, and are suitably confused.

The she-monster is getting ready to make her move, and Tosh is desperately trying to work out which room she's in. Where is that Bluetooth earpiece when you need it? It would be helpful if she could let the rest of Team Torchwood in on the secret, don't you think? Banana turns up as well, and Tosh tells him not to call her "baby". Banana: "What shall I call you then? 'Beautiful'?" Tosh slams him up against the wall, hee! They are disturbed by Mervyn's screaming as the she-monster tucks into his innards. Tosh bursts into the room, gun poised, but is distracted by Banana blundering in and the she-monster knocks her out. She tells Banana he's lucky she's watching her figure (although, if you're a shape-shifter... duh) but she's going to keep him for tea.

Goody, back at the Hub and Captain Jack's going to tell us what's going on: "A nostrovite is a shape-shifting carnivore with a taste for human flesh." Good-oh. "It's intelligent and sneaky..." Owen says that nostrovites mate for life, and they always come in pairs. The male carries the fertilised egg in a sack in his mouth and passes it on to the host with a bite. Nostrovite childbirth is when the mother rips open the host. Quick, save Gwen!

In the hotel, Gwen passes the she-monster on the stairs, but doesn't attack her immediately.

Only now has Captain Jack worked out that Tosh isn't responding, so something bad must have happened. Jack asks Owen if he's ready for this: "You know what a nostrovite can do. You think you've got it covered 100 metres away and it's already chewing on your liver." Owen: "I don't need my liver." Wait, so is there some kind of get-out clause, "Sorry, I don't fancy taking on this episode's monster, I guess I'll just hang out at the Hub and order pizza"? Owen says that Team Torchwood needs him and his singularity scalpel. Captain Jack and Ianto are like, "What do you think you're doing with that, boyo?" and Owen reminds them that he saved Martha with it - besides, he's been working on it and he thinks he's got it sussed. Ianto agrees with Owen, and when Jack gets jealous he says he was "brought up never to speak ill of the dead, even if they still do most of the talking for themselves". They set off in the Obviousmobile.

At the hotel, Gwen's bridemaids (an aside: love their dresses) are still pondering the fact that "no way did she look pregnant last night". They don't seem concerned about the amount of alcohol she apparently consumed while heavily pregnant, however.

Upstairs, Gwen's mum is helping her dress. Her hair looks pretty. Her mum is lovely and supportive. Despite the nice dress that Ianto picked out, Gwen seems to be having second thoughts. Her mum leaves, then her dad comes out of the bathroom to discover her crying. Stop, Gwen! You'll mess up your make-up. Gwen 'fesses up to her dad that, "This baby isn't Rhys's." I think she's going to have to explain a bit better than that.

Rhys's dad can't find Banana, and tells Rhys that his mum says the wedding is "turning into a nightmare". She has no idea. He asks if Rhys is sure it's his, and he valiantly defends Gwen's honour. Actually he doesn't answer the question, he just says how much he loves her. She so doesn't deserve him.

Tosh comes to, trapped in some kind of web of black stuff way to cosily with Banana. They're well and truly stuck. Tosh: "Can you at least move your hand?" Banana's face brightens. "Away," she hastily adds, looking exasperated.

Gwen's dad is trying to be helpful, but she ruins everything by trying to explain to him about Cardiff being on a rift in space/time and how she works for Torchwood and hunts down aliens. Amazingly, he doesn't go, "Oh, Torchwood! You should have said..." Anyway, as though that wasn't enough, she then goes on to explain that an alien bit her last night and it's not Rhys's baby, it's an alien.

Downstairs, Gwen's dad confirms what we all suspected - he doesn't believe her nonsense story about aliens and rifts for a second, it's just the stress of the wedding. Rhys's mum complains about Gwen being late and how she wasn't late for her wedding, and Gwen's mum retorts, "No, Barry might have got away." Ha.

Banana has worked out that the she-monster will kill them if she comes back, and Tosh tells him not to worry because she's got friends who'll find them. He's not convinced, and starts yelling for help. Tosh tells him to shut up in case he attracts the she-monster's attention. It doesn't stop him, so Tosh has to find another way to shut him up. I think "Ow, that really hurt" is probably a bit of an understatement to having your balls crushed though, from what men would have us believe.

The Wedding. The she-monster is at the back. Why hasn't anyone realised she's not a guest? Oh goodness, can't you see what's coming? The guests are seated and the ceremony begins.

In the Obviousmobile, Jack is all, "Are we nearly there yet?" Jack says that what he doesn't get about marriage is "why come all the way out into the middle of nowhere, where no one can find you, to do it? That to me suggests inner conflict." [Shut up, Jack. - Steve] Maybe Gwen wanted to be as far as possible from Torchwood? Ianto tells him glibly that "It's because the happy couple want everything to be perfect." Owen points out that being knocked up by an alien isn't that perfect.

The Wedding. The registrar asks if there is anyone who knows of any reason why these two shouldn't marry, and Captain Jack predictably bursts in yelling, "STOOOOOP!" He's such a drama queen. Rhys's mum immediately jumps to the conclusion that it's Jack's baby. Gwen is pissed off. I would be too. I mean, they've practically got to the important part of the wedding - couldn't he just hover in the back and watch out for suspicious activity? Rhys is angry, but Jack tells them he is trying to save their lives.

Meanwhile, Ianto and Owen are tracking down Tosh and rescuing her.

Captain Jack has got Gwen and Rhys back to their room and explains the whole alien-baby-midwife-from-hell thing. Rhys shuts the door (sensible) and asks if Jack thinks she's near. Jack snaps at him, "She's a shapeshifter, Rhys. She could be out there making small talk with your mum and dad." No need to shout. Poor Rhys.

The bridesmaids are going crazy for a handsome stranger (well, Captain Jack) sweeping up the aisle and stopping Gwen's wedding. The she-monster is still lurking outside.

Gwen reiterates to Captain Jack that they're not stopping the wedding. Yeah, they could have had it bloody done by now, FFS. Jack tells her there isn't a choice. Gwen finally recognises that ever since she joined Torchwood, Rhys has had to put up with crap, but he's stood by her: "Who else would marry me knowing I'm carrying some sort of monster inside me?" (Gwen always has a mosnter inside her. It's called her damn personality.-Joel)Rhys is just pointing out that it's his wedding too, when a scream comes from another room.

The bridesmaid has found the remains of Mervyn. You'd think Ianto and Owen would have locked the room up or something. Jack sends Ianto after the girl to contain the situation. Tosh only now pipes up to say that she's seen the shapeshifter - a woman in black.

The guests all seem to be gathering again for the wedding - I would have stayed in the bar until further notice. Rhys's mum observes that, "The problem seems to be an American with no sense of timing or fashion." That's what Ianto is for. Not, as it would seem, for containing situations, because he spectacularly failed to stop the bridesmaid from telling everyone what she saw. Jack tells Ianto to jam the phone lines from the Obviousmobile to stop anyone calling the police. But since Torchwood are above the police, couldn't Ianto just phone them and tell them if they get any emergency calls about flesh-eating aliens, Torchwood are already dealing with it, so not to worry? Jack tells Gwen that Owen needs to operate, and Rhys and Jack shout at each other for no reason. Gwen tells Rhys that Jack knows what he's doing. Ha! Jack and Tosh go... somewhere.

Oh, they have gone down to the wedding, presumably to take control of the situation. The guests are all like, "Who are you ordering us around?" and Jack says they're Torchwood. Gwen's dad realises she wasn't just mental. Tosh spots the she-monster, and she and Jack fire indiscriminately in a room crowded with people but don't seem to have hit the she-monster, who escapes through the window.

Jack and Tosh do some running and gun-pointing, but the she-monster got away.

Back upstairs, Gwen is unimpressed with Owen's singularity scalpel idea. Someone knocks on the door. It's Rhys's mother. She tells them there's a monster and that "that American and the Japanese girl" went after it. Owen tells them to stay there and leaves. Not sure why. What if Rhys's mum is the shapeshifter? Best to stay there just in case. And if she's not the shapeshifter, surely they're not in any immediate danger and should get on with the whole alien abortion thing?

Owen and Jack talk on their Bluetooth headsets, and realise that Rhys's mum is in two places at once. Oops.

Gwen is just explaining to Rhys's mum about the baby being an alien, when Team Torchwood barge in, Jack telling "Get back, you ugly bitch!" Rhys is offended on behalf of his mum. Jack says it's the alien. The lady protests that she's not the alien. Jack: "Yeah, and the Lone Ranger didn't have a thing with Tonto." I think that offended her even more. Gwen points out that unless the shapeshifters copy smells, it's definitely Rhys's mum - she can tell by the overpowering perfume. Rhys socks Jack in the face - YAYZ! [Best episode ever! - Steve] [GO TEAM RHYS! - Carrie] (AGAIN!-Joel) "That's for calling my mum an ugly bitch!" And much else besides, I'm sure. Tosh points out that the actual she-monster is outside, so they all scurry off.

The she-monster is talking to Gwen's mum, and takes her hostage when she realises her disguise has been rumbled. Gwen is supposedly sacrificing herself to save her mum, but as soon as Gwen's mum is out of the way, Gwen shoots the alien using a gun stealthily concealed in her bouquet. The she-monster slinks off. Owen: "That's the kind of daughter any mother must dream of - cool as ice and packing an automatic."

Owen and Rhys take Gwen back upstairs to do their singularity scalpel thing. Owen has a quick chat to Rhys and explains that he's got one hand injured, and it would be better for someone with the use of both hands to do it. Hang on, if Owen's hand is injured, doesn't that mean it's going to be injured now forever because he is DEAD and his body isn't healing anymore? Just asking, like. (Indeed. And so much for Owen being a fragile corpse who can only make the coffee and must never ever ever go on field missions.-Joel

While Owen's explaining to Rhys how the singularity scalpel works, Jack pops in to see Gwen. Danger! If she wasn't pregnant with an alien on her wedding day and therefore somewhat preoccupied, I'd be quite annoyed with Gwen for not twigging the whole shapeshifter thing. "Captain Jack" comes up behind her and sweet-talks her. Gwen: "I didn't expect to meet someone like you. If I hadn't I'd be married by now." Jack: "You're not the only one who met somebody who knocked their world out of kilter." Sorry, but I'm still not buying the whole Gwen-and-Jack-are-secretly-in-love thing. [I noted that the sneaky promo people edited the trail for this episode so that it looked like Gwen was saying the line "I just want to marry you!" to Jack, whereas in the actual episode, she was saying it to Rhys. What was that about, eh? - Steve] (Hate. So much. Rhys is lovely. Ianto is lovely. They don't deserve being treated like this. HATE. THIS. PLOT.-Joel)Gwen says that Rhys has always been there for her, even as Captain Jack is moving in for the kiss. Stupid bitch. Of course, then it turns out to not be Captain Jack but the shapeshifter, begging the question - how would she know the intimate details of Jack and Gwen's relationship? I think the Jack-monster acting is some of Barrowman's best this series though. Rhys and Owen burst in, and Rhys whisks Gwen away while Owen shoots the Jack-monster. That must be satisfying, right?

Gwen and Rhys flee over the lawn. Gwen seems to have done a lot of rushing about for a heavily pregnant woman.

Having emptied his clip into the Jack-monster, Owen approaches the bed to see if it's dead. It's not. It considers attacking Owen - he encourages it, but it decides there are more pressing matters to attend to.

Outside, Gwen doesn't look in good shape and Rhys asks if she's alright. She replies that she's "running around in a wedding dress with what looks like a keg of lager stuck up my skirt - what do you think, Rhys?" Jeez, he was only being CONCERNED FOR YOUR WELLBEING, you cow. (What were you saying about Gwen not being a toxic wretch this episode?-Joel)

The rest of Team Torchwood return to find Owen alone in the bedroom. Jack asks him what happened and he says that, "It thought I'd gone off." Owen points out that they've shot the she-monster quite a lot now and it's still going - some motherly instinct making it unstoppable, apparently. I hope they brought a Big Fucking Gun.

Of course they did. I imagine Ianto packed it in the boot of the Obviousmobile just in case of such a crisis. He thinks of everything. Oh, insert your own Captain-Jack-large-weapon-related pun here, if you insist.

Gwen and Rhys are hiding in a barn. Rhys blocks the door while Gwen rolls in the hay. The she-monster works on battering down the door and Rhys gets out the singularity scalpel, telling Gwen that Owen showed him how to use it. [Eve Myles's reaction face here is first class, by the way. - Steve] First try, he explodes something behind Gwen. Oops. After a quick recalibration, the second try seems to work more effectively, and Gwen is even alright. Just in time, because the she-monster (having changed, for no real reason, back into Rhys's mum - perhaps the Captain Jack botox was hampering her shapechanging?) breaks in, demanding her baby. Rhys tells her that it's too late, and starts up an old chainsaw that happens to be sitting in the corner of the barn. Doom, anyone? No? Rhys is angry, hee! Just as he's about to carve up his-mum-monster, the chainsaw fails. Rhys: "Fuck!" Hee. Bet they had to cut that from the 7pm repeat. She-monster: "You're a bad boy. And you know what bad boys get?" Unfortunately we never hear the answer because her head explodes. Yep, it's Captain Jack with his rocket launcher. Jack:"How's that for a shapeshift?" Worst. One-liner. Ever. [It didn't even make any sense, although I'd wager that it might have been surpassed by Jack's "O RLY?" from 'Countrycide' as the most ill-advised one-liner they've ever trotted out. - Steve] Jack tells Rhys he looks good splattered in blood and then picks Gwen up in an overly familiar way. It's okay though, he's just delivering her to Rhys because, "The hero always gets the girl."

The Wedding, Take 2. Team Torchwood have been allowed seats right at the front. I'd have made them sit at the back. [I wouldn't have bloody let Jack in the room. - Carrie] Finally, though, they've managed to get married. I wish Gwen would stop glancing meaningfully at Jack though.

Wedding Reception. Paul Weller is playing. [It so should've been 'The Changingman'. - Steve] Owen asks Tosh to dance. Aww. Captain Jack cuts in on Rhys and Gwen's dance. Rhys goes to get a beer. Jack tells Gwen to enjoy the honeymoon. Gwen: "What will you do when I'm gone?" Jack: "The usual - pizza, Ianto, save the world a couple of times." Poor Ianto. I wish he would get a new cybergirlfriend or something. It would serve Captain Jack right. Jack says that Rhys is "a lucky man - a perfect husband. He's loyal, brave, he's got a hell of a swing on him - and best of all he really loves you." Ianto cuts in, with a bit of trouble. Tch, what will Gwen and Rhys's relatives think? It's not exactly a wartime dance though, I suppose.

Later. The wedding guests are all falling asleep. Rhys: "You'd never have thought that a couple of hours they nearly got torn apart by an alien psycho-bitch." Gwen realises that something's not quite right - yes, Jack's mindraped the wedding party. Gwen: "You retconned our families?" Jack pulls a naughty boy face. Gwen admits that it's probably for the best. Doesn't this mean that nobody will remember that they even got married? I'm sure last time they mentioned retcon, it was implied that it would make you forget what you'd been doing for the last couple of months. Jack suggests that the happy couple might want to take some too, but Gwen says there will be "no secrets in this marriage". They leave for the honeymoon. Team Torchwood set about the mop-up operation, and Jack tells them to do a good job because it's Gwen's wedding. Ianto: "That's what I love about Torchwood - by day, chasing the scum of the universe, come the night you're a wedding fairy."

Aerial shot of Cardiff! Drink!

Jack returns to Torchwood Three alone, and blows some confetti into the air. Tch, Ianto's going to have to clean that up in the morning. Jack gets a wooden box out of his desk. Qu'est-ce que c'est? Ah, old photos. OMGZ! Captain Jack in a wedding photo! Who'd have thought? Well, he does get around a bit.

Next week on Torchwood: some freakshow people escape from an old film to terrorise Cardiff. Whoop! Don't miss it.

Walking corpses and glowing pink space beans

2008-03-07T02:33:00.000-08:00

Episode 2.08 'A Day In The Death'
TX 5th March 2008

Previously, Owen got shot by Jim Robinson. Jack brought him back from the dead, causing Death to walk the Earth taking souls, which was perhaps not the best idea, and now Owen is a walking corpse but without Jack’s handy-dandy regeneration ability, so he’s going to end up like at the end of Death Becomes Her with the cans of spray paint and industrial strength adhesive.

We’re treated to a little bit of Owen’s life, including various alien fighting extravaganzas, and, strangely, that bit where he raped a woman by giving her pheromones to make her fancy him. Not something I’d really put on my ‘these are my high points as a character, love me!’ CV, myself. We see him not eating breakfast, and not shaving, and being upset that everyone at work is chipper. Which is fair enough, really. He says that three days ago he died, and they think he’s fine. ‘But they’re wrong!’ And as ever, Torchwood cannot leave anything to the imagination of the viewer – we would have got that he wasn’t fine, what with the whole being dead thing.

He’s on a roof [he's stealing Jack's shtick! - Carrie], with a lady, and asks her if she’s ready to jump. It looks like the car park that Captain John threw that guy off, but I guess car parks are car parks.

At the hub, Jack tells Owen that he can’t go out and about any more, that he wants Owen’s gun and pass, they want to test him, and that basically, if he doesn’t agree to it, they’ll lock him up and test him anyway and if he’s dangerous they’ll kill him. Exceptional people management skills there. Ianto takes the gun and pass, and Jack tells Owen that he can make the coffee if he wants to be useful, because, as noted, he’s being a bit of an ass. [Srsly. Jack has been such a fucking twat this series. He has previously had at least a modicum of charm to redeem him - I even spent most of Series 1 quite fancying him, although obviously I don't fancy John Barrowman. This series, though, he's been simply hideous. - Carrie]

Ianto shows Owen how to work the coffee machine. Owen can’t, and rattles it. Ianto gives a sad face. Owen snarks about how Ianto has won now, going on missions, shagging Jack, and Owen is stuck making the coffee. [So Owen's ambition all along was to shag Jack? He kept that one quiet. - Steve] Ianto says it’s not like that, with him and Jack. It totally is. But not for Ianto. Which is sad. Poor Ianto.

Owen say it’s shit to be dead, and Ianto says everyone in Torchwood has shit, but Owen has done amazing stuff so shouldn’t be depressed.

Martha runs tests on Owen. She doesn’t want Owen’s job. And she doesn’t fancy him. Owen has no muscle decay, and Martha asks if there was any stiffening. She cuts off his dirty joke and he says no rigor mortis. If he exercises he won’t decay, and he won’t age.

Gwen summons Martha to the boardroom. Owen will make some coffee.

They’ve been looking at John Parker, a millionaire collector of alien ephemera. There’s a massive energy spike from his house. They’ve known about him for ages and never thought he was a threat. Owen brings in the coffee, and then sits down and says there’s nothing to be scared of. They all look grossed out that he’s even there and daring to contribute beyond the coffee. [And not one of them even says thank you. Seriously, Torchwood: what a bunch of fuckers. - Steve] Owen is apparently scared of TinTin, we learn via a random little tangent. Gwen starts giving orders, despite the fact that Jack is sat right there, asking for Parker’s medical history, list of purchases and so on.

Back on the roof, Owen says that nearly 1,000,000 people kill themselves a year. That’s 3 times the population of CARDIFF. Roof lady asks if he’s some sort of suicide geek and he says he’s a doctor.

Back in Hub Owen asks why Martha is doing his job and she says it’s because Gwen asked her to. Owen’s idly tossing a scalpel up and down, and slices his hand open without feeling anything. He doesn’t bleed. Martha graphically stitches him up. He gets snappish and takes over the stitching. Martha tells him that he’s fragile – bones won’t mend and bruises won’t heal. And I would have that he wouldn’t bruise, if he has no blood flow, but maybe my biology is less good than Owen or Martha’s. I don’t own a white doctor coat, after all. [You should get one. It's a good look. And authoritative. - Carrie]

Roof girl tells him off for pushing away Martha when. He says that he doesn’t go for social niceties now he’s dead. Roof Girl, who totally has his number, says, ‘You did before?’ Owen’s like, you’re a bitch, that’s why your bloke dumped you. She’s like, he’s dead, you arsehole, and goes on to say that just because they’re both jumping off a roof doesn’t mean they have a connection.

Hub – Owen will go home if he can’t do anything. Jack says fine. Watch TV. Chill. Owen is like lol I am dead I am already chilled. You get to live forever, I get to die forever.

At home, Owen watches To Buy Or Not To Buy, on a massive TV in a massive flat. He gets huffy and chucks stuff out to the accompaniment of some shit music. No more toilet roll, or toiletries, or food. He seemingly only eats beer, cheese and smoothies.

Tosh turns up with a pizza. Cos she’s a bitch today apparently. Owen says that Jack sent her, Tosh is like, no, fuck off, I’m here for me, like, because oh my god, Jack called me early in the morning, and then Gwen was like ‘sorry you is not a bridesmaid’ and I was like zomg as if I even want to be a bridesmaid… [This whole scene was so ridiculously out of character for Tosh, I can't even begin to express my annoyance. I mean, come on. You need someone to come into a scene for the sole purpose of being self-obsessed, and Gwen isn't doing anything, yet you send...Tosh? Whatever. - Steve]

Roof Girl tells Owen about how her husband died on their wedding day in a car accident. They’d only been married for a few hours. We see her staggering in the road in a bloody wedding dress. It’s actually quite well shot, and rather sad. I expected to see the Obviousmobile go past, meaning that he’d swerved to avoid it and that’s why he died and stuff, but it didn’t so well done Torchwood for avoiding that obvious bit of bathos. [Also, considering what happens in next week's episode, someone on the Torchwood writing staff apparently has wedding issues. - Steve]

Owen asks why she waited for a year to kill herself. She said that she believed the people who said it would get better, but it hasn’t.

We cut back to the kitchen, where Tosh is still gabbling. ‘Why are you here, Tosh?' She says that she’s there to help. Owen says that she isn’t, and that he’s her project; that this is the date she’d been after and now she’s finally got it, now he’s as screwed up and emotionless and broken as she is. Tosh screeches, ‘What’s wrong with you?’ and Owen says that he’s ‘broken’. To illustrate that fact, he snaps his little finger. Then he runs off and throws himself into the harbour, where he flails about a bit

Jack’s there when Owen pulls himself out of the water, and there’s some vaguely inappropriate banter about wet men in tight jeans. Hush, Jack. [This was DISGUSTING. Poor Owen. - Carrie]

Back at the Hub, they go on about the security at the big alien energy spike house. Lots of guards, its own generator, alarms, all sorts. And solar-powered body-heat sensors so even if you turn off the generator, you’re still screwed. Owen’s like ‘Oh, hai! I hear u liek pepul without body heet?’

Ianto gives him a gun. Tosh gives him back his keys and says, ‘I turned your telly off.’ Roof Girl is shocked that that’s all she did, after Owen was so mean. Owen says Tosh is always professional. Roof Girl goes on to say she doesn’t give a shit and is here to jump. Owen’s like, go on then, and rushes her to the edge. She is scared. She wants to know how Owen got from there to being on the roof.

Outside exciting alien house, Martha’s like, no fighting, no touching of anything, no nothing, or you’ll break. Jack tosses Owen a big white rag and says he’ll need it. In his earpiece, Tosh says that there is 1 minute 20 seconds between the generator going down and the backup starting.

Gwen distracts one of the security guards by phoning him and pretending to be from the hospital and saying his wife was in a car crash. And that’s just…lovely. The other guard gets on the phone to tell his boss what’s going on, and Owen sneaks past.

There’s this awesome massive greenhouse, covered in moss and stuff, lit really brightly from within. We find out nothing about it, but it was more interesting than some of the rest of this episode.

Owen rolls up to the generator. The guard stops him, but Owen points a gun at him. He unfurls the white rag thing, which turns out to be a TinTin tshirt. Lol. He sticks his fist into the generator, wrapped in the tshirt, and pulls out the wires. ‘I’m dead already, mate’. Security guard is understandably freaked out, and Owen knocks him out. He sneaks inside, looking very much like Justin Timberlake in the Cry Me A River video where he’s breaking into a house that totally isn’t supposed to be Britney’s. Well, he’s wearing a hoodie and breaking into a house. That’s about it.

Tosh radios that there are only 30 seconds til the backup generator starts, and the system must have changed. However, these are TV seconds, so he’s got ages. Owen notices that he’s not being picked up by the heat sensors, which, duh, and says, ‘I am literally too cool for school’. Except not, in any way, but he’s dead so I’ll cut him some slack.

Tosh directs Owen upstairs. The power comes back on, and another security guard points his gun at Owen. He says he’ll shoot, but Owen keeps walking up the stairs, talking about how a bullet rips and tears flesh and stuff, then says ‘You can’t kill a dead man’. The guard asks who he is. Owen says, ‘I’m Doctor Owen Harper, and I’m having a hell of day’. [LULZ! - Carrie] Then pistol whips him and goes into old man Parker’s bedroom.

Old man Parker is Richard Briers! [Whoop! Give Torchwood their due, they have AWESOME guest stars. - Carrie] He is bed-ridden, with all sorts of beeping machines about. Owen says he’s a doctor, and Richard Briers says, ‘you’re a very violent doctor, I’ve been watching,’ and indicates his little monitors. He goes on to say, ‘You’re Torchwood, yes?’ Owen’s like , ‘how do you know?’ Erm, because you all drive around in a massive black SUV with Torchwood written on it and barge into crime scenes saying ‘Torchwood!’ and use your Torchwood status to get out of prison cells and basically trample the whole of Cardiff underfoot with your Torchwood blah-di-blah, so seriously, don’t be surprised when people have heard of you. Richard Briers says that they should have sent the ‘lovely Japanese girl’ and shouts, so that Tosh can hear down Owen’s earpiece, that she has lovely legs.

Richard Briers has a funny glowing pink bean in his bed with him. It makes whale noises. He says that’s called the Pulse – he named it – and it’s what is keeping him alive after about a million heart attacks. Owen says nuh-uh, because the energy is building up but isn’t going into him. Richard Briers says that Owen is young and doesn’t understand anything about death. Owen’s like, I do, a little bit. He asks if it’s really better to be alive with a million machines than dead. Richard Briers says yes it is, basically, but then goes off on a bit of rant about how he’s travelled the world, fought in a war, been married and widowed and now he’s lying there in his own piss. He says, ‘Why don’t you just take it?’ and gives Owen the Pulse.

He then gets a bit scared, saying he’s alone in the dark. So alone and scared. Owen says that he’ll come and visit. Richard Briers says that if he does, he can tell him about Torchwood and aliens and other such excitement. Owen hesitates, and Richard Briers is like ‘oh, ffs, I’m nearly dead, who am I going to tell? Besides, as we’ve already established, you’re the worst secret agency in the whole of fiction and everyone knows who you are, despite your collective fondness for mind-raping people who you think might know who you are.’

He hacks and coughs, and the machines flatline. Owen tries to administer CPR, but can’t, because he has no breath. (Although I think he couldn’t speak in that case?) [Ah, Torchwood, and your crazy ways of playing with the laws of physics, biology, space and time! - Carrie]

On the roof, he tells Roof Girl that he couldn’t give him air, because he didn’t have any. (Oh yeah – at some point earlier on, he showed Roof Girl his bullet hole and freaked her out by being the walking dead, but she’s over that now.) Owen says it was just another person dying because of him, and he wanted it all to end.

Back in the house. Tosh is like is the device dong anything? There’s too much energy and it’s going to explode. But it’s okay, because Owen’s going to hold it and absorb it. Even though the energy didn’t go into Richard Briers. Owen tells Martha to be the new doctor, Jack not to dare to bring him back if he dies, and says sorry to Tosh. She says, ‘I love you’. Lots of purple stringy energy flows out of the Pulse.

Back on the roof, Roof Girl asks what happened. Owen says, that we always assume life is going to be shit, but sometimes it’s not. He pulls the Pulse out of his bag. He talks about how in the 70s NASA sent off a space probe with information on, and the Pulse is a reply, but they don’t know who from. Nice job, aliens – we’ll send you an information-capsule that is so full of energy that it could blow up and destroy the world.

They all see Martha off. Owen gives her a hug and thanks her. Gwen hugs her. Ianto gives her an air kiss. Martha tells Jack it’s been interesting, and he says that it’s been fun. She leans in and kisses him full on the lips, and says, ‘well, everyone else has had a go!’ Ha! Jack says that she can come back any time, and please yes, this show needs Martha.

Tosh and Ianto are in the Hub. She says she’s there for him and makes him promise not to bottle things up any more. We see Owen walking along the street and something falls from above. It’s a photo of Roof Girl and her husband. Roof Girl says, ‘I thought you came here to jump,’ and he’s like, nah, I came to give you this. Roof Girl asks what she should do now. Owen says, ‘a cup of tea, a cigarette, your mates. If there’s a tiny glimmer of light, isn’t it worth the risk?’ He asks her name, and she says it’s Maggie Hopper. Owen says, ‘well, Maggie, it’s up to you.’ The Pulse is giving off lots of streams of light. The voiceover says ‘My name is Owen Harper, and this is my life.’

The end. So presumably she didn’t jump. [I am starting to quite love Burn Gorman. I may cast him in things when I am in charge of all performing arts. - Carrie]

Next week: shape-shifting alien vampires make Gwen pregnant on her wedding day. And Nerys Hughes!

Things to do in Cardiff when you're Death

2008-02-28T14:27:00.000-08:00

Episode 2.07 ‘Dead Man Walking’

TX: 28^th February 2008

Aerial shot of Cardiff! Drink! Torchwood - outside the government, beyond the police. On the evidence of last week though, that’s more of a ceremonial position. Oh well.

You may have forgotten what happened last week, but Owen is DEAD. He has a big hole in his chest. It must still be the same day as last week, because Ianto’s wearing the same black suit-red shirt combination. Martha’s dressed up in her autopsy clothes. Everyone else has gathered round to watch, and I’m sorry but how fucking ghoulish are these people? [Because he is a valuable member of the team, and at least three of them fancy him, so obviously they get their jollies from watching him sawn open. - Carrie] I’m going to lightly skip over the question of why an autopsy is actually necessary when it’s fucking obvious how he died and they all saw it happen. It’s like they just do it for kicks, the sickos. But wait! Jack bursts in and is all like, “STOP! Nobody touches him till I get back! Is that clear?” So were they all going to take turns autopsifying him? And is Jack making an urgent call to his local Necrophiliacs Anonymous meeting?

No, he seems to have gone to some sort of Victorian opium den. A young girl tells the bouncers to let him in because she’s been “looking forward to seeing the Captain again”. Christ, just when you thought Jack couldn’t stoop any lower... what would Jeremy Kyle think? Oh, it’s okay, she’s just some kind of tarot-reading fortune-teller type. He discovers “it” is hidden in a church, and I’m sure he isn’t talking about a resurrection glove, because that would definitely not make a comeback, right? (Superswots may remember Ianto's ominous comment that gloves "come in pairs" from last series.) The girl says that “When they found out what it could do, they built the church around it.” Then she’s all like, “If I told you bad things will happen, will you still use it?” and he’s all like, “You know why I want it,” and she turns round the Death card. Oh, THAT is what you might use a RESURRECTION GLOVE for! She must have real occult power to work that out. As an aside, why do TV shows always take tarot so bloody literally? If they bothered to do any research, they’d realise that Death doesn’t actually mean death, but they’re probably too busy surfing for alien porn. Oh, and it’s in St Mary’s Church. [What, the alien porn? - Carrie]

A church. We know it is St Mary’s because a big sign says so. Captain Jack has his trusty torch. The floor seems to be covered with sleeping weevils. They really ought to get pest control in. Captain Jack has to be extra stealthy. He makes it through, but I think he should concentrate more on where he’s going and less on glancing over his shoulder. Then he does very bad stealth whilst opening a big box full of old dolls. D’oh! It’s a bit like the Crystal Maze. Uh-oh, he’s woken the weevils. You’ve only got 30 seconds, Captain Jack – get out! Get out! Or it’ll be an automatic lock-in and a mauling even he might struggle to recover from. He grabs the box and legs it. [Dear Torchwood, please never force me to sit through an entire scene of Barrowman wordlessly hamming it up ever again. Cordially yours, Steven.]

Captain Jack returns to Torchwood Three with the box. There’s an alarm going off, but I’m not sure why. I’m pretty sure there isn’t an alarm that goes off every time Captain Jack enters the building, although, on reflection, there probably should be. What’s in the box? OMGZ, it’s the resurrection glove! I bet NOBODY was predicting that. Mainly because it seems like such a terrible idea, going on its past form, so inevitably it had to be Plan A. Captain Jack: “I’m using the glove. I’m bringing Owen back.”

Titles!

Gwen, for a change, is acting sensible and cautions Captain Jack against using the glove because they can’t work it. Jack says it has to work for him and he’s not going to give it any choice – I think he’s saying the glove is his bitch. Yes, he really is going to resurrect Owen, if only for two minutes, so “If you’ve got anything to say to Owen, now’s your chance.” I can’t imagine there would be anything that urgent he needs to know before he dies. Again. Jack gets to work, pulling his best orgasm face, and the dialogue does nothing to help: “Owen, hear my voice... He’s coming!” Is that possible when you’re dead? Poor Ianto will probably have to clean it up later. Anyway, Owen wakes up, suitably confused, and Jack explains what’s going on and tells everyone to say their goodbyes. Tosh is all “I’m going to miss you and I love you - always have,” which: duh, and Owen is probably thinking, “You brought me back for that?” Then Captain Jack says he needs to know the code for the alien morgue, which is pretty shit information management on their part, and Owen is seriously offended that’s the only reason why he brought him back. Jack is all like, “I know what death is because IT IS LIKE I AM DEAD and I want you to be ready.” Owen mutters something about darkness and Captain Jack tells him to “Be brave”. Then Owen is dead again. Violin music swells. I guess he must be really dead this time. Captain Jack clutches his hand. Is anyone falling for this? Well, Ianto looks a bit teary. [It's kind of funny that Burn Gorman only looks fractionally more pallid than usual. - Steve] Then – OMGZ, he is NOT DEAD. Owen: “I’m really going to need that hand back.” Jack realises he has stopped using the glove, but Owen’s STILL ALIVE. He and Tosh exchange looks, and I’m sure she’s wishing she had made sure he was going to be properly dead before she went shooting her mouth off like that. Owen thinks maybe he wasn’t meant to die and is being kept alive. “Somebody pass me my pants.” Behind them, the glove is twitching. That can’t be good, can it?

Owen, because although he is DEAD, he is still A DOCTOR, is examining himself and discovers he has no heartbeat or pulse. Martha tells him that he can’t lead the investigation because he’s the subject of it, and also because HE IS DEAD. Plus he isn’t wearing his white lab coat. Gwen says Suzie survived because she was draining energy from Gwen, so maybe Owen is draining energy from Jack, but Jack says he feels fine so it can’t be him.

Tosh tries scanning Owen with her handheld magic scanner of goodness, but doesn’t find anything. Ianto postulates that because this is a different glove, they don’t really know whether it works differently. Perhaps Captain Jack should have thought of that before he used it? Tosh is off to do an analysis of the glove. J: “Owen, I don’t need to tell you that you’re under quarantine.” Owen: “You don’t, and yet you still do.” Same snarky old Owen, then. [Not bloody surprised. Jack is a famous incompetent, whose one strength lies in not BEING DEAD. Owen may be an amoral mind-rapist, but at least he's a DOCTOR and serves a purpose. - Carrie]

Gwen calls Rhys, rudely waking him up just because she’s upset, and he teases her about never coming home, and she cries down the phone at him. Now Rhys is all worried, and all she says is “Tough day.” Poor Rhys.

Owen tells Martha she’s kind of cute when she frowns. She gives him some kind of monitoring bracelet. Owen is concerned about the logistics of flirting now he is DEAD and whether it’s “still necrophilia if I’m conscious”. Ewww. [But it's fine with the object of HIS affections is the one who's unconscious. - Steve] Martha wants to know what it’s like to die. Owen is reluctant to tell her because he doesn’t think the living should know. Martha demands that he tells her, but he makes up some stuff about rushing towards the light and pearly gates. Martha calls him an idiot. Owen ‘fesses up that there was nothing, but Suzie said that there was something beyond life, something in the darkness. Suddenly Owen collapses – oh noez!

Owen is in a dark and wibbly place. It might be what it feels like to be on psychotropic drugs and trapped in a nutshell. [It's also like that terrible, terrible episode of Charmed where Kaley Cuoco runs past some anthropomorphised playing cards whilst trying to act "scared". Thanks for reminding me of that, Torchwood. - Steve] Then, just as suddenly, he’s back in Torchwood and tells Martha about the darkness and that there was something waiting for him. Then he clings to Captain Jack and cries like a girl. For fuck’s sake, Owen, I know you’re dead but have some dignity, man!

Torchwood Situation Room. Martha explains that Owen’s cells are not decaying but changing into an energy she can’t identify. Gwen asks whether the energy in the glove came from “the same dark place” as Owen went when he collapsed. Jack asks Owen where he thinks he went, thereby trumping Gwen for the stupidest question of the episode, because if he knew that, they wouldn’t be sitting around brainstorming it.

Meanwhile, Tosh is concerned about damage control. “What I said before - I thought you were dying.” Owen says he knows she didn’t mean it, which: just how clueless is he? He says it’s not love, just grief. Tosh is about to correct him, but Owen says he’s going to the toilet.

Oh dear, Owen’s back in the dark and wibbly again, with additional scary voice. Now he’s back in Torchwood, but his eyes have turned black, which is never a good sign [unless he popped out for some laser eye surgery on the quiet - Steve], and he starts spouting some guttural growly language. It might be Welsh. Hmmm, do we think he’ll mention this to the others?

Martha has been monitoring Owen, and has noticed that his energy level went “off the scale”. Tosh says he went to the loo, and Martha points out that his digestive system has shut down so he wouldn’t need the loo. Jack reassures everyone that Owen isn’t dangerous. Martha gets all haughty and wants to know why Jack didn’t mention to UNIT that they discovered something with the power to bring people back to life, then points out that Owen is currently only 50 per cent human, and that 50 per cent is DEAD, and they need to stop thinking of him as Owen.

Owen seems to be in some kind of music video. No, wait, it’s Cardiff city centre. There are bright lights. He’s gone clubbing, so whatever it is that’s taking him over must be, like, really evil. When you’re dead, what better to do than go out drinking Guinness? Especially when your digestive system has shut down. A woman dressed as an angel, so presumably on a hen night, comes up to flirt with Owen at the bar, but her choice of chat-up line is poor: “Smile, it won’t kill you!” This is followed by the incredibly subtle, “You’re gorgeous, you are.” Owen comes over all manly and snogs her. She reaches into his pants, only to be disappointed. Welsh slapper: “Don’t you like me?” Hasn’t she heard of foreplay? Owen realises that no blood is pumping round his body, meaning even all the Viagra in the world will be no good to him now. Captain Jack turns up. Owen is all, like, “How’d you find me?” He seems to have forgotten his tracking bracelet. He’s still sore about being brought back for an alarm code. Owen and Jack do a bit of girly shoving, then Owen tries to punch Jack but misses, then the bouncers step in and chuck them out. There are police waiting outside the club, so they were obviously expecting trouble. Owen tries to tell them he’s “special ops”, and Jack does his best drunk normal person impression, “Special needs, more like, huhuhuh.” They must have found some cops who haven’t actually heard of Torchwood.

A jail cell. Owen rails at the guards and kicks the door. Jack reminds him that he is DEAD and, “If you break your ankle, what are the chances it’ll knit back together?” Owen then realises the error of his ways, in that the alcohol won’t go anywhere because his digestive system isn’t working, forcing him to stand on him head in order to line up his oesophagus or something, and then he projectile vomits across the room. Jack: “That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen.” Insert your own joke here. Owen farts, just to gross him out a bit more, and then whines about all the things he can’t do now he’s dead. Jack: “Only in suffering do we recognise beauty.” O: “Who said that? Jack: “Proust.” Owen: “You’ve read Proust?” Jack: “Yes. Well, no... we dated for a while. He’s really immature.” Owen: “No one takes you seriously when you say those things.” I don’t think anyone takes him seriously anyway, to be honest. Jack: “When you’ve lived as long as I have, you don’t make it up.” Owen whinges some more about how it’s not fair that Jack will live forever, but Jack reckons forever is overrated because you get blasé about life and you send your friends into danger knowing they might get killed while you walk away unscathed. Owen asks why Jack wanted to bring him back - guilt? Jack: “No... I wasn’t ready to give up on you. I guess I was hoping for a miracle. I still am.” Bleurgh. Captain Jack decides they’re done with their male bonding session, “Let’s go home.” Then he bangs on the door and starts spouting his Torchwood authorisation. So how come the police are going to listen to him now, when they completely ignored Owen before?

Meanwhile, back in Torchwood Three. Deputy Chief Gwen tells the others that Jack has called in, he’s found Owen and they’re coming back. Tosh asks if Owen is himself, then reveals that in a moment of stalkerish madness, she wanted to know why Owen left, so she checked the CCTV. Lucky he was right in front of a camera when he had his crazy schizo episode, eh?

Outside the police station, Jack and Owen are being stalked by weevils. Lots of weevils. How come Torchwood keep one pet weevil locked in the basement, but aren’t bothered by hordes of them roaming around Cardiff? I’m just asking. Jack thinks the weevils are after him because he stole the glove from them, and they run away. Into a car park. Is it just me, or does a lot of Torchwood’s action take place in car parks? Having escaped from immediate danger (although whether a man who can’t die and a man who is dead are actually in danger is debatable), they stand around a bit. Jack tells Owen to “Stay here.” Owen looks alert. Jack looks around a bit. He sees a weevil. Now there are many weevils. They run off again, up to the roof of the car park. Is that the same car park where Captain John materialised? Anyway, perhaps running down instead of up would have been a good idea, because now the weevils have cornered them on the roof. [Fear not, kids, because Jack is good on roofs. - Carrie] Jack tells Owen to go behind him and whips out his weapon. [NOT LIKE THAT. God. - Steve] Just as he’s wondering whether he brought enough bullets, the weevils all start grovelling. Jack probably thinks they’re worshipping him, but it’s Owen – he’s turned mental again. Captain Jack looks worried.

Back at Torchwood, Tosh has realised it might help to know what Owen was saying, so Ianto gets the Alien Translaty Thing of Greatness out of the vault. The words translate as: “I shall walk the earth and my hunger will know no bounds.” Gwen: “I’ve got a really bad feeling about this.” Jack: “You don’t know the half of it.” They are back unscathed, it seems.

Down in the dungeon, Owen observes the pet weevil’s reaction to him. “King of the weevils. That ain’t good.” Gwen has been kind of useful and found the first ever pictures of the Grim Reaper in an article about the Black Death and reveals that the person who said those words was “Death himself”. Owen points out that he is DEAD, not Death, and there is a difference. Gwen asks whether the weevil knows that. She calls the weevil “he”, but I’m pretty sure in an earlier episode they said it was a girl weevil.

Torchwood Situation Room. Gwen explains that the picture she found is a wood carving from the 15^th century, from a small parish called St James. They built a wall around the town to keep the plague out, but it didn’t stop a little girl dying. I’m not an expert on the Black Death or anything, but I thought it was highly contagious and the chance of just one person catching it was pretty slim, but what do I know? Anyhoo, the parish priest performed a miracle (which nobody seems to bat an eyelid at) and brought the girl back to life – the only trouble is she brought Death with her and he walked amongst them. Tosh is appropriately sceptical about Gwen having done research, and asks if they are “seriously going to act on something she’s Googled?” Hee. Putting all the pieces together – because they need to spell it out – the name of the church was St Mary’s, which was the church where Jack got the glove, and the Parish of St James became Cardiff. 12 people died before, but Death needed 13 souls to get a permanent hold on Earth, but they only know that what stopped death was “faith”.

Martha is worried that the energy is making Owen a host. Owen realises that the monster wasn’t waiting in the dark for him – it’s “trying to get here through me”. An alarm goes off. It’s Owen’s bracelet. It’s at 80%. Owen is worried about turning out to be a monster. Jack reminds him that, “Even if we have to fight you, you’re already dead.” Not sure how that helps. Owen is determined to take positive action by embalming himself with formaldehyde, thereby petrifying his neural pathways and freeze-drying his brain – “It’s the only way to be sure.” I must observe that Owen’s not looking very corpse-like. Suzie looked awful when she was brought back from the dead. [Awful in a FIERCE way, obviously. - Steve]

Owen is preparing for his selfless sacrifice. Gwen asks him whether he’s sure about it. Owen replies that formaldehyde is full of carcinogens, but he doesn’t really need to worry about that. “I can’t sleep, drink or shag – three of my favourite things.” Gwen gives him a hug. Owen whispers that he “came back different... hollow, like I’m missing something. I do not want to be like this.” A single tear runs down Gwen’s cheek. Owen: “I’m ready.” They nod cursorily at each other.

Owen walks nostalgically through Torchwood to the autopsy room. Ianto looks respectful. Martha says the level is at 95%, so Owen says, “Let’s not waste any more time. No goodbyes.” Martha turns to get her syringes and sees the glove moving. It flies at her, but with Gwen’s help she manages to climb out of the autopsy pit. Jack tells Owen not to move and everyone else spreads out. Ianto wields an hockey stick, and Jack looks at him like, “What the hell are you going to do with that?!” Martha thinks the glove went under a cabinet. Everyone looks tense. Martha stupidly leans over the railng to look, and the glove jumps up on to Martha’s face in a definite Alien facehugger tribute/rip-off. How the glove propelled itself is anyone’s guess. Martha’s hand has gone all wrinkly. They might have to send Ianto out for emergency Oil of Olay supplies. Owen traps the glove under his foot and demands Jack’s gun. Jack throws it to him. I think Team Torchwood may need some firearms safety training. Owen blasts the glove into a million pieces. Gwen is all, “Oh my God. Martha!” The glove seems to have aged her. Their old-age make-up is as good as it was in the last series of Doctor Who, ie absolutely terrible. [It took me literally till the second time of watching it to actually work out that she was supposed to look old. - Carrie] [I thought it had turned her part-Weevil. - Steve] The team turn to Owen for help, because he is a DOCTOR, but he has turned all demonic again. Then black smoke starts coming out of his head and forms a big smoky monster shape and leaps at the camera.

Jack wakes up outside the hospital. Team Torchwood are inside. Owen is looking a bit the worse for wear. Gwen is all, “Police officer!” (I though Torchwood were beyond the police? “I need a medic now!” I’m not sure how they’re expecting the medical staff to cure Martha of premature old age. The smoky Death monster is roaming free. A nurse comes along and Gwen feeds her some crap about them all being Martha’s neighbours. She’s dehydrated and, erm, something about her blood cell count, and it’s all putting great strain on heart. The nurse guesses that she must be about 80 and isn’t very optimistic, but Gwen asks her to do what she can.

Martha, looking at herself in the mirror, croaks that, “It must be death because it’s stolen my life.” Gwen is more bothered about working out how Death was stopped the last time after killed only 12 people, and what the whole faith thing is all about. Captain Jack tells Ianto they need answers, and he whips out his laptop, which presumably has mobile internet. Is he allowed to use that in a hospital? Oh well, I expect Torchwood are beyond the NHS. Jack says he wants Owen back at the hub because he’s not safe, but Owen says he knows what it is – hunger. Jack looks out of the window to see weevils creeping towards the hospital – “It’s here.” Jack doesn’t think it followed them though – probably it just senses the near-dead. “If you were death, wouldn’t you target a hospital?” [I'd target Gwen, first and foremost. - Steve]

In another ward, smoky Death creeps along the floor and a middle-aged woman flatlines. She reaches for the panic button and misses, as it forms into a more traditional Grim Reaper skeleton-type shape.

Gwen and her loud mouth take charge, telling everyone that they need to evacuate the hospital, and broadcasting the fact that they work for Torchwood, in case anyone didn’t recognise them. Everyone leaves, except a child who is hiding in the toilet playing on his PSP and wearing headphones. He’s wearing a bandana, so he obviously has cancer. [And his PSP appears to be from 1980. - Steve] Jack tells Ianto to hack into the hospital communications system, but Ianto has already done it because he rules. Jack says they need to do a body count.

A nurse has noticed the missing boy, whose name is Jamie. She looks under the bed for him, but Death materialises behind her. The prognosis doesn’t look good.

Jack and Gwen are on the sixth floor counting fatalities. Their total comes to 8, meaning there are at least five to go. Jack realises that, “There are five of us.”

Tosh and Owen are on a separate floor. Tosh points out that even if they find Death, they have no idea what to do with it. Ianto says he’s trying to Google the phrase, “I shall walk the earth and my hunger will know no bounds”, but he keeps getting redirected to Weightwatchers. Owen says, “It’s here, I can feel it.” Tosh is creeped out. Owen says he’s “not exactly reassuring myself”.

Jamie is in an eerily orange-lit ward. He drops his PSP on the floor, and sees the dead nurse under the bed. Sensibly, he turns and runs. His survival skills are better than most of Team Torchwood. Gwen would probably hang around and try to talk Death out of killing. [Or shag it. - Carrie] All the doors in the hospital seem to be locked, even double swing doors that – let’s face it – are never locked. Death advances down the corridor. Owen appears from a side door that apparently wasn’t locked, so it’s a shame Jamie didn’t try that one. Owen rescues him.

Gwen reiterates that Death will be able to rule Earth forever if it gets 13 souls, which we know already! Now there are 12 dead and it only needs one more.

Tosh and Owen are trying to escape, but they can’t open the door. While Tosh tries to open the door with her Magic Toy of Doing All Things, Owen has a doctorly chat with Jamie, who has leukaemia, but his last lots of chemotherapy didn’t work. They’re making him have it again,but he doesn’t see the point because the cancer will come back and he’s going to die.

Ianto, with his wizzo interweb skillz, has finally discovered what they need to know –Faith is the name of the girl who was brought back to life. She stopped Death. Owen realises that it’s because she didn’t have anything to lose – she was already DEAD. Owen tells Jamie not to despair because the chemo didn’t work, because not everyone dies from leukaemia, and “the ones who make it are the ones who believe they can beat death, and sometimes you can. So watch and learn.” Jamie: “Watch what?” Owen: “Watch me beat death.” Tosh gets the door open, but Owen has come over all heroic. Tosh says she’s not leaving him to face it on his own. Owen says he knows what to do, and kisses Tosh. “You’re so going to hate me for this,” he says, displaying her gadget as the doors close, separating them, and then chucking it carelessly on the floor. Fuck’s sake, that’s delicate technology!

Death advances on Owen, and they engage in some manly hand-to-hand combat. Owen: “How long can you last here with only 12 victims? There’s nothing here for you. Owen Harper’s soul has left the building. There’s nobody here but us dead men.” Srsly, he should be a wrestler with smack talk like that. Tosh is like, “NOOOOOOO!” Owen is too busy fighting the smoky skeleton to notice. “What else have you got? What else do you do to the dead?” he growls. Jack and Gwen also arrive in time to bang uselessly on the glass. Try shooting it, duh. Owen: “Is that all you’ve got?” Oh, Jack and Gwen have managed to find another way in, but it’s too late. Death evaporates and Owen is left kneeling on the floor. The door opens, and Tosh rushes in to make sure Owen hasn’t damaged her toy.

Ianto, who always misses out on all the fun stuff, is all like, “Jack? Gwen? Anyone? WTF happened?” Then he doesn’t care because Martha is alright again.

Martha and Owen are being doctory. Owen apologises for getting Martha hurt, although personally I’m placing the blame squarely on the shoulders of Captain Jack. Martha replies that she’s more worried about Owen because he “soaked up a colossal amount of energy, but it’s dissipating now”. Owen: “That doesn’t sound good.” Martha says they don’t know anything about the energy’s properties – Owen could have 30 years to live or 30 minutes. Perhaps he will start raising money for charity like Jane Tomlinson.

Owen goes to see Jack, and tells him, “People died because you brought me back. We owe them, you and me. I’m still a doctor. Put me to work – see if we can’t even that score.” Jack: “We’ll see.” He ought to go and work in an emergency room – he’d save more lives there. [I didn't get this bit either. Do Owen's doctoring skills extend to raising the dead? I initially took it to mean that Owen wanted a transfer to working in proper medicine and Fighting Death on that front. - Carrie]

Tosh asks Captain Jack, “Did he really beat death? Jack replies that, “You can never escape death – it’s always in the shadows waiting.” Tosh: “So what now?”

Owen just stands there like a lemon. What kind of ending is that? [A shit one, but I really, really want to express my intense admiration for Burn Gorman this series. I think he's been amazing. - Carrie]

Next week – they think Owen’s fine – but they’re wrong. Owen takes advantage of being NOT DEAD. Perhaps he will enter The X Factor. Join us next week to find out!

The Apprentice: Martha

2008-02-21T14:20:00.001-08:00

Episode 2.06 'Reset'
TX: 20th February 2008

Here we go, bitches. Miss Martha Jones [that's DOCTOR Martha Jones to you and Captain Jack - Carrie] comes to Torchwood. About fucking time.

Cardiff, of course. Torchwood, outside the government, beyond the police, and beyond tangible character development and rational plot continuity. The 21st century is where it all changes, maybe.

Night. Some kind of facility. A Weevil on the loose, being trailed by Owen and Tosh, lookin' fierce holding their torches right alongside their guns like kickass people do on TV. Owen sneaks up on the Weevil, it snarls at him and runs off. Owen finds a body where the Weevil was standing, and informs Tosh that it is dead. He is not wearing his doctor coat when doing this particular piece of doctoring, however, so I don't think it counts as an official medical diagnosis. Although if it did, it would be Diagnosis: Murder. Tee hee. And if you were expecting more sophisticated humour than that, why the hell are you reading a Torchwood recap blog in the first place?

ZOOM CARDIFF PR0N! Torchwood Three reception, with the ever-besuited Ianto on duty. An unseen person enters and Ianto tartly informs the person that they're closing, but the person holds up an ID card (which we only see the back of) which startles Ianto, who gestures the person into the lift [calling her 'Ma'am' as he does so. I LOVE IANTO - Carrie].

Hub. Jack identifies the victim from his papers as Meredith Roberts. Owen thinks the death is potentially non-Weevil related. Ianto informs them over the tannoy that the VIP visitor is here, to which Gwen retorts that she didn't realise they were having a visitor. Because everything that happens at Torchwood must be Gwen-approved, obviously. SHUT UP, GWEN. Jack waxes lyrical about the visitor, who is of course, Miss Martha Jones. Yay! Titles. Freema Agyeman is listed in them. Double yay!

Jack introduces Martha to the gang, and Martha wastes no time in pwning Owen by informing him that she's here to complete his post-mortem. Marry me, Martha! Jack says that Martha Jones is from UNIT. Gwen gets flustered, probably because she is very distressed at the idea of being usurped in everyone's affections by someone prettier and more competent, and asks Jack to explain who UNIT are. Jack explains it as UNIT being more professional and less ad hoc than Torchwood, but in all fairness even Pete Doherty is more professional and less ad hoc than Torchwood. Martha has identified a pattern in a series of recent deaths in South Wales, which are all being written off officially as suicides. Oh, wow. Obviously they can't have known this at the time of filming this episode, but such unfortunate topicality right here. Martha points out a puncture mark from a hypodermic needle on the body and informs Owen curtly that he'll find the bloodstream pumped full of ammonium hydroxide. And if Joel doesn't mind me repeating what he was saying to me earlier, this sort of behaviour would normally be utterly Mary Sue-ish, since Martha is pwning people left, right and centre within minutes of entering the building, but the difference here is that we know what she's capable of. We saw her living rough while travelling the globe undercover for a year to spread the word of the Doctor and save the world. She has earned the right to strut in and belittle whoever she likes. Unlike some people, Gwen.

Tosh gets her hacker on and starts searching the NHS database for Meredith's records, only to find they've been wiped - allegedly by a crash on the NHS servers, but Tosh notes that it's all been erased too cleanly and thoroughly to have been accidental. There's also the fact that the exact same thing happened to all of the victims with similar symptoms that Martha discovered at UNIT.

Jack and Martha have a catch-up. Martha's family is better after their ordeal, and she's pleased to see Jack. Jack flirts. Martha has grown as a person and says she doesn't miss the Doctor. Except maybe a bit, but she made her choice and is sticking to it. Good girl! She's now a qualified medical officer, and possibly [indubitably - Carrie] outranks Jack, which is awesome. Whip these bitches into shape, Martha! Except on this show, the writers would probably take that literally. It turns out that Martha got the UNIT job having been recommended by "an impeccable source", which Martha and Jack take to be The Doctor. Which sort of sucks, given that this was supposed to be about Martha asserting her independence and not being a Gallifreyan's lackey, but Jack suggests that the Doctor probably thought he owed Martha a favour, which is sort of sweet, I guess. Jack adds that they all do - awww. Jack asks for a red cap for Ianto. Dirty!

Gwen drills Martha for dirt on Jack, of course. Martha describes her time with Jack as "intense", which Gwen, who never met a man she didn't want to boff there and then, takes to the dirty place, of course. (In a furious and wounded way, that someone would dare fuck Jack, despite the fact that she's engaged and he's dating Ianto. Let it go, you hag.-Joel) Skank. Martha asks if Gwen is shagging Jack, which Gwen denies [not for the want of trying, though - Carrie]. "We must be the only two people on the planet," declares Martha. Hee!

Martha looks around Torchwood some more (can some plot happen now, please?) and eyes up some alien salvage which Owen claims focuses energy on a fixed point without harming anything that gets in the way, and attempts to scorch a piece of paper without harming the cup that holds it. (I have never in my life seen such an obvious Chekhov's gun in my whole life.-Joel) Unfortunately, he succeeds only in blowing up a piece of equipment perilously close to a passing Ianto, who screams and lobs a trayful of snack into the air before shooting Owen a positively murderous glance. Hee! Ianto informs Jack that there's been another attack following the pattern, only this time on a woman who survived is currently in hospital. DUN DUN DUN!

And the woman is none other than Jan Anderson of Tiger Bay and Casualty fame, whee! Marie (for it is she) is quizzed by Torchwood about her assailant, but doesn't know anything other than the fact that he had a big needle. Marie's dog bit him, and she kicked him in the nuts. Cool. Medical porn to the soundtrack of the Gorillaz, as Owen and Martha don their doctors' coats and do important sciency things. Martha notes that ammonium hydroxide is a weird way to kill someone, and hypothesises that the purpose was not just to kill, but to eliminate evidence in the bloodstream. [Yeah, I'm not sure the science here is all that sound. AGAIN. - Carrie] (Given that bleach won't even clean blood out of the grout if you've got some Luminol, I sincerely doubt it can actually clean blood itself.-Joel)

Torchwood team huddle: Martha announces that the motive of the attacks is to destroy all trace of the victims' medical condition, whatever it may be. The team are assigned jobs - Gwen and Ianto on the criminal investigation, Martha and Owen on medical matters [for they ARE DOCTORS - Carrie], and Tosh will endeavour to recover the medical records, though she frets that the procedures involved in doing so are illegal. I thought Torchwood was outside the government? Doesn't that give them carte blanche on this sort of thing?

Tosh tells Ianto that the police have found another body in Heath Park. Daytime Cardiff pr0n as the Obviousmobile transports them there to find student Barry Leonard, apparently died of toxic shock (I honestly thought that was only what you got from tampons.) but of course we know better.

Back at the hub, Martha points out that the attacks are pointed, not random, and border on assassination. Gwen wonders who would assassinate a student, and Martha guesses (jokingly, I hope) the Student Loans Company, which is totally dumb because then they'd have to write off the debt, so let's just pretend it was Gwen who said that. Deal? Okay, great. They vow to keep looking, but a call comes in from Ianto to say that the hospital has reported Marie having some kind of seizure. Owen thinks it's this strange enzyme they've found in her blood, which neither he nor Martha recognises. Looking over her records, they realise there is absolutely nothing wrong with Marie - indeed, she's so normal, she's abnormal.

At the hospital, Owen asks Marie what's been happening to her. Marie doesn't know. Meanwhile, Gwen and Ianto quiz Barry's best friend [who is quite cute, and also too old to be a student wearing studenty clothes - Carrie], and alarm bells start to ring when Friend casually mentions that time that Barry's diabetes got cured. Gwen asks who performed the miracle cure, but Friend does not know this, only that Barry suddenly had a lot of money. Ianto reports the news to Owen. Owen asks Marie if she had anything seriously wrong with her (although he phrases it a tad more tactfully than I just did), and Marie says that she used to have HIV, until it was cured by the Reset. "Buh?" reply Martha and Owen. Marie starts to cough violently, but has time to say that she got it from The Pharm - a medical research centre. Marie says that she was paid a lot of money to test it, but that she had to keep quiet as it was part of the contract. And then she dies. Sucks to be her, I guess. And then stuff comes shooting out of her mouth. No, seriously. It's maybe magic dust, or bees, or something? Oh, here we go: Owen captures one on his finger and they deduce that it's an alien larva that incubates in human bodies. Say it with me now: ew. It left her body when she died, looking for a new host, but died before it could infect Martha or Owen. Or disinfect them, perhaps. Martha wonders what the cute little bug grows up to be. I'm guessing she really doesn't want to know. (I don't think enzymes turn into dragonflies. Course, I'm not a doctor like Owen, but...-Joel)

Owen does a PowerPoint presentation to the team, and likens the drug to a virus scan on a computer. It's the greatest medical discovery in history, except for the whole part where it involves an alien parasite. Jack asks who runs The Pharm, and Ianto says that the public face is innocent enough. Much like Ianto himself, really. Tosh notes that their IT systems are far more sophisticated than they need to be, which: well, the laptop I'm writing this on now is far more sophisticated than I actually need it to be, but that doesn't mean I'm an evil alien druglord. OR DOES IT? But basically this means they have the ability to delete medical records, as we saw earlier. The head honcho is Dr Aaron Copley, or Jim Robinson to the rest of us. [Hooray! - Carrie] Owen is aware of Dr Jim's reputation; he's outstanding in his field, much like a scarecrow. Thank you, I'll be here all week! Jack perves on him, because really, what else can Jack do?

They arrive at The Pharm, and Jack says "Torchwood" to the security guard, because they're the secret agency that everyone knows about. Dr Jim apologises for them having a wasted journey, and denies all knowledge of ever having met them. He also informs Jack curtly that he's a Professor, not a Doctor. Sorry, Professor Jim. When Professor Jim denies all knowledge of the alien virus, Owen engages Suckup Mode 2 and mentions how helpful Professor Jim's works on immunology were when he was writing his MD thesis. Get you, Molly Mortarboard. The upshot of this being that if there were such a drug that acted like a giant reset button on the immune system, Professor Jim would know about it. Professor Jim agrees that he would, but specifies that no such drug exists. "I had a boyfriend whose nostrils flared when he was lying," Jack muses. Professor Jim invites them to kindly fuck off, unless they want the PR tour. Jack tries to be menacing. Jack fails. [Epicly. - Carrie]

So Jack and Owen go outside into the van, and do some kind of scan that tells them there are a lot of alien life forms in the building. Um, yay?

Tosh is still having trouble retrieving the medical records without letting them know she's onto them (don't know why she's so concerned, when Jack just blustered in there with all the subtlety of a hippopotamus having a wank, but there you go). Ianto's research reveals that they're looking for research subjects, so Martha volunteers herself and her mad doctor skillz to go undercover and investigate. Owen is not keen on the idea, and says as much to Jack in private. Jack's all, "she can totally do it. I'd rely on Martha if the world was ending. OH WAIT I DID."

Ianto shows Martha the plans of the building. There are buildings at the rear which are of restricted security, and Martha is not to go near them. Martha calls Ianto a spoilsport. Martha needs to get access to the IT system and close the firewalls so Tosh can hack in, and then get the hell outta Dodge. Martha mentions the UNIT cap thing to Ianto, who blushes. Martha enquires as to the precise nature of their relationship, and pulls what I have referred to ever since as the "blowjobs, yes?" face. It is awesome. Ianto tells her Jack's "dabbling" is "innovative, bordering on the avant garde". Too much information, thanks.

Martha will be undercover as Samantha Jones, and wearing creepy contact lenses that also serve as a camera and allow Tosh to send text messages that obstruct Martha's field of vision. I can't wait until Martha's at a crucial point in her mission only to be distracted by "ZOMG JACK GOT HIS COK OUT AGEN LOLZ" appearing in her peripheral vision. There's a lot of technobabble here which I shan't bother to transcribe, but let's just summarise: we will see what she sees, hear what she hears.

In the lab, "Samantha" is playing the role of a traveller and being quizzed about precisely where she's been, to check for viruses. Martha almost drops her cover by telling the...nurse? Doctor? Clinical researchologist? that she's very aware of medical issues. Tosh frantically texts her with "!", like duh, and Martha blags that her mum's a nurse. Professor Jim comes in, and Martha tells him she's a creative writing postgrad in desperate need of cash. Professor Jim tells her they have a lot of applicants, and Jack tells Tosh to tell her not to lose him, so Martha thinks quick and tells Professor Jim that she had a hepatitis infection.(I would have loved to see Gwen try and lie her way out of this. She'd just offer a blowjob and a Retcon pill.-Joel) Owen clarifies for the three-toed sloths watching the programme that Martha does not REALLY have hepatitis, this is just her way in. Professor Jim tells her this changes things, and asks her if she's available to start right now. Again, Owen clarifies for stillborn foetuses in the audience that this mean's Martha's in, like WE KNOW, and this causes Jack to namedrop Christopher Isherwood for the second time this evening, for reasons that are completely beyond me. Perhaps because Torchwood has literary aspirations, in which case I'd say acquire a basic grasp of continuity before getting ideas above your station, eh? [I utterly missed this. Will have to watch it again. - Carrie]

Night at Torchwood. Tosh brings Owen some coffee, and remarks on how beautiful Martha is, and how she is also a doctor, because Tosh is afraid that Martha is Owen's perfect woman, apparently unaware of my vow that if Owen goes anywhere near my beloved Martha with his dirty rapist penis I will cover him in barbeque sauce and feed him to Myfanwy. Owen says that Martha is not interested in him, and also thinks that Jack will kneecap him if he tries anything anyway. Jack will have to GET IN LINE, bucko. In a belated attempt at continuity, Owen asks Tosh what happened to the pool tournament she was organising back in 'Meat', and Tosh finally grows a pair and explains that it wasn't a tournament, she was asking him out on a date. Owen asks if she still wants that, and Tosh replies in the affirmative. Then, Owen takes her up on the date. No, seriously. Tosh, of course, thinks he's taking the piss, but Owen is sincere: one date, and they'll see where it goes, which may be nowhere. Tosh is fine with that. Owen clarifies that he's still allowed to flirt. Tosh agrees, and then runs off to write the best Dear Diary entry EVAR.

Back to Martha at Professor Jim's House of Dubious Alien Parasites, snooping around some corridors. Owen texts "BE CAREFUL", which: duh, (Srsly. LEFT FOOT RIGHT FOOT MARTHA.) and Martha walks along some more corridor. Tense music plays. Martha finds a locked door. Tosh uses Applied Phlebotinum to hack the door open, but oh noes, security people are coming. Quickly, Tosh, quickly! It scrolls down digit by digit in that way that password-unlocking programs only ever do on TV rather than just giving you the damn answer all in one go, but Martha escapes just in time, of course.

In the office, Martha finds a computer, and Tosh gains remote access to it. IT's not very exciting to watch. The parasite is called the Mayfly, and it is apparently beautiful but lethal. Just like Ianto, I'm guessing. Now that they have access to all of the top secret data, Jack tells Martha to GTFO. Gwen looks thoughtfully at a computer screen, for all the world like she has a clue. Nice try, Gwen, but you're not fooling me. Martha is attempting to sneak back to her quarters when an alarm goes off, signalling a breakout in sector A, which I'm guessing is that huge restricted section at the rear. Fnar. Owen texts Martha to get to safety, and Martha climbs out of a window. Gwen locates the subject data on the computer, and confirms that Meredith, Billy and Marie were all there. Didn't we know that anyway? She also happens upon the record of The Pharm's hitman, which is conveniently lying around in the same place. Damn those villains and their illogical filing methods! She also finds the records of an Elin Morgan, who has not yet been reported missing or dead. But for how long?

Martha tries to break out, but has to hide when the security squad come running to the gate. Owen points out that The Pharm hires hitmen and would have no qualms about bumping off teh Martha, and Jack's suddenly all "yeah, and I put her in there." Nice time to worry about that now, fathead.

Something is creeping up behind Martha, and then a radiation surge causes Torchwood to lose the signal from her magick contact lenses. Rather stupidly, this apparently causes Martha immediate pain and she has to take the lenses out. Nice work, Team Torchwood. Temporarily Incapacitating Contact Lenses. Just what every girl needs when surrounded by murderous biotechnicians. Anyway, Martha is on her knees when a giant mayfly swoops around the corner. She runs and hides behind some bins, but is shot by a tranquiliser dart intended for the fly. Doh!

Ianto and Gwen are in the Obviousmobile. They're tracing Billy Davis's (he's the chief hitman) mobile on the GPS, and he's three minutes away from Elin Morgan's flat. Ianto floors it.

Elin's flat. Billy enters with a big needle. He's about to inject her IN THE EYE EW EW EW when Gwen bursts in guns ablaze, and Ianto stuns him. [Too. Many. Jokes. But I do love when my Ianto does stun-gunning. - Carrie] (Word. I just want a show where Martha calls someone a twat and then Ianto stuns them.-Joel)

The Pharm. Martha is strapped to a lab table in a crucifixion-style position. Kind of like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way. Martha snits that she's a clinical volunteer and they can't do this to her, but Professor Jim has other ideas. He knows she lied to her. Martha pretends not to know about Torchwood. Professor Jim informs her that "Torchwood is irrelevant to us", which: hee!, and adds that really they've done him a favour. He says that they've analysed her test results, and she really is something special. Ooer.

Torchwood Three. Billy Davis is tied to a chair at Owen's mercy. I smell a rapin' in the offing! Bily won't talk so Jack sets the Weevil on him. Billy agrees to talk so Ianto pepper sprays the Weevil. Billy tells us what we basically already know - that the subjects were going to die anyway, so he had to get them before they displayed any weird symptoms in public.

The Pharm. Professor Jim tells "Samantha" that her lymphocytes are very special indeed, and unlike any human ones he's ever seen - more like alien ones, he thinks. The Researchologist tells Martha her lymphocytes "and God knows what other cells" have mutated from radiation not found on Earth. Professor Jim says that he's dealt with aliens before, but never anything as exotic as her - a human being who has travelled in time and space. He asks her how it's possible, what she saw. Martha plays dumb. Professor Jim is not discouraged - he's developing a revolutionary drug that can cure anything, and he'd like to see how it reacts to Martha's mutant lymphocytes. Martha is understandably unkeen about taking the drugs, but of course she volunteered, didn't she? Uh oh.

Torchwood Three. Jack tells Billy they're going into the Pharm and they need him to make it happen. Billy starts to cough up blood. Jack informs Owen that they need Billy alive, which is approximately the 56th line of utterly redundant and obvious dialogue so far this episode. Owen points the alien artifact from earlier at Billy, saying he's sure he's got it right this time. He homes in on the alien parasite inside Billy, and...Billy's guts explode everywhere. So much for certainty. Owen deduces that Billy must have breathed in one of the larvae when one of his victims died, and has a little "there but for the grace of God go I, or Martha" moment.

Down on The Pharm, Martha has been given twice the critical dose of Reset, and is fitting moderately. Researchologist has an attack of conscience, but Professor Jim tells her to keep her nerve.

Torchwood Three. Tosh has an idea of how they can use Billy's erupted corpse to get access to the Pharm. Ianto calls her "warped on the inside". Hee.

The genius plan basically involves Tosh driving the Obviousmobile remotely from the back, while Billy's Probably Rotting Corpse sits up the front like a Victorian sideshow. We do not discover what they would have done if the man at the gate had spoken to him in any way and required some sort of answer, but perhaps Tosh knew that the guard doesn't have his Equity card yet. (I would have loved to see Tosh throwing her voice.-Joel)Inside, Jack sends Tosh, Gwen and Ianto to investigate Zone A while he and Owen go after Martha.

And they find her in record time! Wow, Torchwood are awesome. Jack asks Professor Jim precisely what the fuck he is doing to Martha, and Professor Jim says, in wonder, that she's the only subject to survive past the larval stage. The insects practice sibling cannibalism until only the strongest one is left. Oh, just like Iant...no, wait, that's not going to work this time. Owen does doctory things with his white coat mysteriously absent to try to save Martha.

Meanwhile, Tosh, Ianto and Gwen are in Zone A. Researchologist is here, doing something shifty. Gwen pounces on her, and Tosh finds something disturbing in a giant glass case.

In the lab, Owen thinks Martha is dying. And that's it.

Back in Zone A, the creature in the glass case is a Weevil, which is being farmed for pesticides. No, seriously. (They're all, 'It is Unethikul to farm teh w33v1lz!', but apparently keeping one on a length of chain to menace prisoners with and then pepper-srpaying it in the face is happy weevil fun time.-Joel) The Researchologist says that the Weevil isn't what will get them "the Nobel", which is the point at which you know she's totally batshit, and points them towards a giant mayfly in a case, which looks pretty sickly. Ianto touches his ear, much like Phillip Schofield and reports back to Jack. Gwen looks on kindly at the mayfly. She's probably thinking about shagging it.

In the lab, Jack orders a total shutdown of the centre, and basically calls Professor Jim a murderer. Professor Jim defends his work on the grounds that all of the people who died would've died anyway if they hadn't taken part in the programme, so the world's win/loss ledger essentially remains unaffected, or something. Jack says again that he's going to close the place down, and Professor Jim's all "you and what army, boyo?" and Jack's all "no army, just my 1337 c0mput0r skillz!" Professor Jim denounces him for cyber-terrorism [Alan Dale actually delivers that ridiculous line with some semblance of conviction - Carrie], and Jack blathers on about tripping the fuses of somesuch and flooding half the centre with inert gases and other vaguely chemically menacing phrases like that. Professor Jim protests that they're on the same side. Jack is well up on his high horse by this stage and claims it is in fact not so. Martha is fitting quite severely at this point, so Owen pulls out the alien MacGuffin to try to fry her parasites without turning her insides out this time. Of course, this time it works, because Freema Agyeman is contracted for another two episodes and due back on the Tardis in season four. Mission accomplished!

Team Torchwood evacuates the farm, and Tosh is sealing its fate on her laptop, presumably. Owen prescribes rest for Martha [goodness, it was worth all that work on his MD thesis with that kind of diagnostic skill - Carrie] and flirts with her a bit, and Martha tells him she has a boyfriend. Gwen escorts the Researchologist out at gunpoint. Tosh shuts down the facility remotely, and some aliens scream in their death throes. And then suddenly there is Unexpected Jim, who appears with a gun, asking if they really thought they'd get away with it that easily. I'm guessing the answer to that question is "yes". Owen stands in front of Martha with his hands in the air and tells Professor Jim not to be so stupid. Professor Jim shoots Owen in the chest. He then stands there idly for a bit, telling Martha that she's next, because it says in the script that he should do this rather than just shooting her there and then as any sentient villain would do. This, of course, gives Jack a chance to put a bullet through Professor Jim's brain. [Nooooooooo! - Carrie] Everyone rushes to Owen's aid. Martha does medical things to him, but it's all for naught: Owen expires right there on the floor. So much for Tosh's happy ending. Gwen looks very sad, possibly because this is not all about her. The camera pans up, up, and away.

Next week: Owen is on a slab, and Martha is doing his autopsy. There's some kind of alien smoke monster, and maybe the Grim Reaper. See you then!

Would you Adam and Eve (Myles) it?

2008-02-14T11:17:00.000-08:00

Episode 2.05 'Adam'
Tx: 13th February 2008

Blah. It’s the 21st century. It’s when everything changes and Torchwood is there to mess things up and have sex with aliens.

Gwen and Rhys have sexy giggle fun on the bed and he tells her to go to work. She says coming home to him is the best bit of going to work. [And there was me thinking she preferred having sex with Owen and attempting to glance meaningfully at Jack and being rude to police officers and getting off with aliens. - Carrie]

Torchwood-under-Cardiff. It’s time to do an audit of the unlabelled class D artefacts. Some fat ginger slob says he likes audit time and shoehorns in the fact that he’s been there three years. Gwen comes in and says, ‘Who the hell is this?’ This so called 'Adam' says ‘just cos I said that to you on your first day’ and touches her shoulder. We get lots of flashes of memory of Gwen and ‘Adam’ hanging out with each other. Gwen hugs him and says she couldn’t resist the joke. Tosh is looking good. Very boobsy.

‘Adam Smith’ is creating his own personnel file. Tosh asks what he’s doing in the staff files and he says nothing - he’s working on the rift activity. She asks when this gold box she’s holding came through. 'Adam' touches Tosh and gives her sexy time memories of the two of them. He’s all, ‘a year ago today’ and she’s all ‘you remembered’. I’m all, NO MORE MIND RAPE. Owen sees them, and is all ‘hef hef, kissing at work, hardly appropriate.’ Owen is geeky and shy now, by the way. We can tell this because he is wearing GLASSES. [Lopsided glasses, no less. This show may be many things, but subtle is not one of them. - Steve]

Down in the cells, Jack yells at a weevil. Then sees a kid in a cell. We get the shot of someone’s hand slipping out of another, from when Captain John said ‘I found Gray’. The kid isn’t there when Jack looks again. Gwen comes down and slaps his arse. They playfight and stuff.

Upstairs, Tosh says three days ago there was rift activity but nothing came through. ‘Except me,’ says Owen, and wiggles a screen cleaner mouse toy at Tosh. She says she doesn’t need a rodent watching her while she works, and then says she’ll call it Owen, trampling on her own joke because Torchwood doesn’t trust its audience to get any form of subtlety. [Told you so. - Steve] They talk about how Owen is a pussy.

Gwen goes home. Rhys hugs her from behind. She’s all ‘Who the bloody hell are you then, boyo?’ and wields a knife at him and then calls Jack, all hayulp hayulp there’s a stranger in my house. She points her gun at Rhys and says, ‘You have picked the wrong girl to stalk, mate.’ Rhys is understandably freaked out. [Poor Rhys. He really is the most put-upon fiance in history. - Carrie]

Jack and ‘Adam’ come a-running. Jack says, ‘What’s going on?’ Gwen says there’s a creepy stranger in her house and he’s put photos up! Of the two them! Together! He’s deluded! Jack’s like, it’s Rhys, you retard. Rhys yells at Jack about memory-wiping pills, given that he knows they’ve got them at Torchwood. Although he doesn’t remember the first time that Gwen mind-raped him with that because she felt guilty about sleeping with another man and then telling him about it, and she chose not to give it to him the second time her boss told her to mind-rape her fiancé so he’d forget them. Gosh he’s lucky to have her. Point being, he shouldn’t know about the Retcon pills because they, erm, make you forget. Rhys is like, ‘We’re engaged! You’re wearing my ring!’ She looks at her finger. ‘Adam’ says Gwen should come to the hub and they’ll sort everything out, while Jack stays with Rhys. Gwen says she’ll kill Rhys if he comes after her. Jack says to Rhys they’ll sort it out.

Owen checks her out and finds nothing to show why her memory is missing. We also know he’s a geek because he’s doing doctoring without his LABCOAT, so it clearly comes more naturally. [I am unconvinced he was doing doctoring, if he did not have his WHITE DOCTOR COAT on. - Carrie] ‘Adam’ looks pensive.

Jack films on his mobile. Apparently there are no alien cameras amidst all the exciting alien tech. Rhys talks about when they met etc. Gwen calls him ‘Rhys the Rant’ when he gets stroppy and so on. ‘Adam’ and Gwen watch Rhys on a screen. ‘Adam’ asks if she remembers it but Gwen can’t remember how she felt when these things happened even though the events sound familiar. Adam touches her head. Rhys says he’s going to marry Gwen even if it kills him. Which it probably will. She’ll get, like, intergalactic clap from some alien she fucks and give it to him.

Tosh asks Owen about the big gold box. He hasn’t opened it yet. He’s brought sandwiches. Like Tosh last week! How in-depth and continuity-full. He got her smoked salmon. It’s her favourite. Tosh wants to know how he knows. Tosh wants a beer. Owen is like, crikey, beer? At work? Goodness gracious! [I did like that one of the chief traits of Bizarro Torchwood was everyone having a strange sense of propriety in the workplace. - Steve]

Ianto brings Gwen home. She says, ‘don’t leave me, Jack’. He says she’ll be okay and promptly leaves her. Ianto gives a cute little thumbs-up to Gwen. Jack sees this child again. Oh, it’s a boy. I couldn’t tell before. ‘Can you see him?’ Jack asks. Ianto cannot. There’s been a sighting down a sewer. Ianto wants them both to go, but Jack is going alone.

Tosh gives Owen a beer and tells him to live a little. Her boobs hang out. She says ‘call it a celebration’. She and Adam have been together a year. Her stomach still flips when she thinks about him. ‘Do you know what I mean?’ Owen doesn’t. Tosh says he’ll meet the right girl. Owen asks if she really thinks he looks like a rodent. Tosh says they’ll open the box.

Jack is down the sewers investigating. He turns and sees a man, dressed in like, knock-off Tatooine clothing, all white linen and goggles. The man yells, ‘Get out! Get out son!’ Jack says ‘Dad?’ and runs.

‘Adam’ is there. ‘How did you get here?’ says Jack. ‘I came with you!’ says ‘Adam’ and touches Jack on the shoulder. ‘Oh, of course,’ says Jack. ’What did you see?’ says ‘Adam’. ‘My past,’ says Jack.

Gwen and Rhys. She doesn’t understand how she could forget being in love. [She does it quite often, you'd think she'd be used to it by now. - Carrie] Rhys sees there is no food in, so they pop to the shops.

‘Adam’ goes after Jack. ‘What about the past? Is it your childhood?’ ‘Adam’ gets a bit Counsellor Troi and says ‘I’ve always been here. You can confide in me,’ And, of course, touches Jack on the shoulder. Oh dear. And now we get lots and lots of John Barrowman acting his socks off. It’s not pretty, you guys. ‘It was meant to be buried! Over 150 years ago! Why now?’ ‘Adam’ says that maybe Jack’s subconscious is letting him remember. But Jack, Jack cannot afford to remember. ‘Adam’ looks pissed off and says he can help and gets all hypnotist – where are you, what do you see yada yada yada.

We see young Jack on a beach, on the Boeshae Peninsula his home in the 51st century. Big Jack narrates. They lived under threat of invasion. They thought they’d pass over but they didn’t. ‘Adam’ asks who. The most horrible creatures you can possibly imagine. On Tattooine, erm, excuse me, Boeshae, Little Jack’s dad says to take Gray and keep him safe. ‘My little brother,’ says Big Jack, for the terminally slow-on-the-uptake. Jack’s dad goes to get Jack’s mum. Little Jack and Gray run away. At some point, Little Jack lets go of Gray’s hand. He goes back to find him.

John Barrowman isn’t very good at emotions. I think he’s still acting for stage – where everything needs to be writ large to register across the distance to the audience. But he’s not on stage, he’s on TV, where we have such technological marvels as The Close-Up, so subtlety is rather more on order. Jack ran all the way home! He found his dad’s corpse, complete with bloody chest wound, but looked for Gray for years and never found a body. ‘Adam’ says it wasn’t Jack’s fault. Jack wibbles on about how he let go of Gray’s hand, it was the worst day of my life, I don’t want to remember. (Incidentally, this is a fairly nice indication of how close he was to Captain John, given that Captain John clearly knew all this stuff that Jack keeps really locked away. However, as it’s Torchwood, I think that’s probably coincidence rather than subtle character interplay.)

The box has alien, like, radiation waves or something, wavey wavey alien wavey, on it. Owen says they’re from cross-contamination in the crates. Ianto thinks Jack brought in the special gold box. Tosh says Adam did. Ianto will check his diary. Tosh is surprised he writes about artefacts. He says he does, ‘and other things’ and winks. Ohh, I like dirty Ianto. Hello. [I just like my Ianto, full stop. Bless him and his suits. - Carrie]

Owen asks if Tosh and ‘Adam’ are doing anything for their anniversary. Tosh is like, ‘maybe, yeah, sort of’. Owen tells Tosh he’d cherish her if they were together and if it was their anniversary he’d make a big fuss. Because ‘I love you!’ Tosh is like, you love who in the what now? Owen says he’s always loved her. Tosh says ‘Owen’ in a voice full of warning. Owen says ‘You wouldn’t know that unless I tell you, so I’m telling you,’ and that he knows there’s ‘Adam’ but Tosh should give Tosh‘n’Owen a chance. Toshiko ‘n’ Owen. Oh, shit. Toshikowen. They’ve got a portmanteau couple name – they’re so getting together by the end of the series. Tosh is ANGRY. That is completely inappropriate! ‘How dare you! I’m with Adam! And even if weren’t, you’re not my type. And never will be.’ She storms out. Owen gives a tiny broken ‘oh’ and John Barrowman needs to watch Burn Gorman right here on repeat for about a thousand years because that’s how you act. Subtle, small, but totally effective. [Word. I had my issues with this episode, but I thought Naoko Mori and Burn Gorman did a fantastic job in all of their scenes. - Steve]

Rhys and Gwen are in some shop buying stuff for dinner. The cashier boy wanders off on his mobile. Rhys goes off on one. Gwen remembers Rhys the Rant. It’s come back to her! She cries a bit.

Ianto reads his diary. He looks worried. ‘Adam’ is next to him, all of a sudden. Ianto says, ‘The diary – you’re not in it. Why would I leave you out if you’ve been here so long? Like I’m remembering a man who doesn’t exist’. ‘Adam’s’ hand goes all twitchy and blurry. ‘Adam’ doesn’t even try to pretend, and says to Ianto, ‘Cross me and I’ll fill your head with fake memories until it’s on fire.’ He makes Ianto remember murdering a woman. And another. And raping them too, it seems, although that’s never made explicit. But it wouldn’t be Torchwood without casual rape, would it? [Ugh. Gratuitous violence against women. I get that he was trying to convince Ianto he was a monster, but did all of his vicitms have to be helpless females? So gross. - Steve] ‘Adam’ is all crazy and saying stuff like ‘we know the rot in your heart. You crave flesh,’ and putting more and more murder memories in Ianto’s head. It cuts between them in the hub and them at the various murder scenes. ‘Adam’ says ‘Remember it. Remember it. Remember it,’ and tells Ianto that he’s the one that helps Ianto dispose of the bodies and stuff, so that makes them Super Special Awesome Best Buddies. ‘Adam’ kisses Ianto on the mouth, because it wouldn’t be Torchwood without gratuitous same-sex kissing, and says ‘I’d forgotten what a rush it was. Filling in the bad stuff.’ Ianto is in the rain-soaked murder scene rocking and crying.

Jack stands on the roof (where else?) and looks thoughtful, remembering dead daddy. His mummy is sad. Where’s Gray? Jack doesn’t know. Boo hoo, goes mum, my husband and child are dead and I’ve only got the shitty time-travelling promiscuous bisexual son left. Jack wants to know why the memories are coming back now.

Gwen gets in bed in some nice grey pyjamas. It’s a bit of blur but she’s getting there, in memory terms. Rhys says, 'It’s all you’ve got, really, memories’ and that he always worried she just settled for him. She wouldn’t look at him twice now she has her Super Special Awesome High-Powered Job Where She Gets To Fuck Up A Lot And Have Sex With Aliens. ‘Don’t say that!’ says Gwen. He kisses her and asks if she remembers it. ‘No, it felt like the first time. But it was nice.’ He kisses her neck and the get down to some Sexy Fun Time, we assume.

‘Adam’ and Tosh get to have some sex also. And I really really wish Torchwood would think more carefully about these things. In the very first episode, Owen pheromoned a woman (and her boyfriend) to make them have sex with him. Here, ‘Adam’ has implanted all these memories into Tosh’s brain of them being a couple, which they never were. The attitude of the writers is basically, ‘it’s not rape if you make her think she likes it’ and that grosses me out. Anyway, they’re sexing to Tricky, of all things. Who listens to Tricky any more? They stop. Tosh asks what’s wrong? ‘Adam’ asks how far she would you for him, if she would die for him. Tosh says yes, because it was only a few weeks since she was shagging time-travelling frozen boyo and now she’ll say anything to get laid.

Jack comes home to the base. Ianto says ‘Jack’ in a hoarse voice and says, ‘Put me in the vaults. Lock me up. I killed three girls.’ Jack is like, nuh-uh you did. Ianto’s like, I totally did and I liked it. Jack’s all ‘what happened to you?’ and gives Ianto a hug. Ianto whispers, ‘I’m a monster.’ [I was actually quite moved at this bit, despite Captain Jack's ever-present sense of omniscience. - Carrie] (It was sweet. Gareth David Lloyd or whatever his name is does good scared-sad.-Joel)

Jack gets some alien tech lie detector, with the incredibly sophisticated technology of a light bulb that changes colour when someone is lying. Seriously. Ianto is all, I had my hands on her through and it was awesome. The light stays green. Ianto says it must be true, then. Jack says he doesn’t believe it and wants to know about the second girl..’ Ianto is all, she tried to run but I was too quick and something in me wanted to kill. The light stays green. Jack still doesn’t believe it.

Jack goes and looks at some security footage. We get some big flashes of ‘Adam’ saying ‘remember it’ to Ianto, and making out with Tosh, and Gwen’s ‘who the hell is this’ bit. Just in case we didn’t realise what he did yet. He TOUCHES them and that’s how he IMPLANTS MEMORIES. [OH! IT IS ALL SO MUCH CLEARER NOW! THANK GOODNESS FOR THE TOP-QUALITY SCRIPTWRITING FITTING THESE JIGSAW PIECES TOGETHER! - Carrie] Jack shows Ianto the footage. They run about a bit. [We should maybe get a macro for that. - Steve]

‘Adam’ has no blood sample in the Torchwood blood sample carousel. And thereby we learn that there is no problem that cannot be solved by the fact that Owen keeps a few vials of blood in the fridge. ‘Adam’s’ personnel file is okay, but was updated 24 hours ago. The lights go off. It’s all scary. It’s Owen with flowers, though. Then Tosh and ‘Adam’ come in.

Owen apologises for the night before and says that as long as Tosh is happy, it’s okay. He asks if she [I]is[/I] happy. Gwen turns up. Her memories are coming back. ‘Adam’ demands a group hug. A moment later, Jack puts a gun to ‘Adam’s’ head and asks who he is. Everyone’s like ‘ZA?’ ‘Adam’ tries to touch him but Jack says nuh-uh missy, my pants are staying on this time. Or something. Everyone’s like, what’re you doing Jack, leave ‘Adam’ alone. [And Jack tells 'Adam' that he thinks he's part of his team but has no feelings for him - "no pride". Yes, for pride is the overriding emotion I would have when surveying Team Torchwood. - Carrie] Tosh pulls a gun on Jack. Ianto disarms her.

Jack takes ‘Adam’ down to the cells and is like ‘ZOMG! You disturbed memories!’ ‘Adam’ is like ‘I had to do this to live! But I helped you. You’re remembering stuff. Owen is nice now, and Tosh is a slut, and everyone likes a slut more than a boring little maths girl. Okay, Ianto thinks he’s a serial killer now, but you know, that’s got to be better than just making the tea.’ [Captain Jack has his arms folded and eyebrows narrowed. He is thinking. - Carrie]

‘Adam’ says, ‘I was in the abyss or something for ages! But I liked your tasty tasty memories. That’s why I came. Torchwood folk have such interesting lives, and such tasty memories. Specially you, tasty immortal Jack brains.’

Jack is like, ‘Torchwood are the best at killing the aliens!’

‘Adam' is like, ‘Noes! You always remember who you kill.’ [This causes Captain Jack to pause in his walking away from the cell, and gaze into the distance AS IF THINKING. - Carrie]

In a boardroom, Jack puts on the magical hypno-screen of hypnosis and tells Tosh et al to go back to who they are, some key memory that defines them.

Gwen remembers seeing Rhys in the uni canteen.
Owen’s 10th birthday, with his mum screaming ‘You’re my son so I love you but I don’t have to like you!’ [Aw. This was sad too. I don't like Owen, obviously, but it is nice to see him have a backstory rather than just being a horrible sex-obsessed DOCTOR. - Carrie]
Tosh is like, yay maths.
Ianto remembers meeting his Robot Bikini Girlfriend.
Owen, 16, his mum packs his bags.
Gwen in supermarket with Rhys.
Tosh remembers buying a flat but no flatwarming because she had no-one to invite [Poor Tosh. She has the biggest flat in the world, full of Ikea furniture, but not even that can make you happy. - Carrie]
Ianto is like I was super-sad when my Robot Bikini Girlfriend got covered in barbecue sauce and eaten by our pet pterodactyl.
Gwen is all, 'the way he looks at me sometimes'. She says, ‘I love him. But not in the way I love you.' and looks at Jack. [Is she telling Jack she's in love with him? - Carrie] (I think so. She's a bit of a cow, really. You're engaged and he's boinking Ianto. Leave alone.-Joel)

Tosh remembers knowing she was special, waiting for someone to see it. Jack says, ‘I saw it.’

Owen says, ‘Who’ll save me?’ Jack says, ‘I will.’ [Captain Jack is the SAVIOUR OF US ALL. Hallelujah! - Carrie]

Ianto is like, coming here gave me meaning again, after my Robot Bikini Girlfriend got turned into a Robot Bikini Girlfriend, also I could hide her in the basement. Oh, also Jack. Jack gives him a forehead kiss. And we still don’t know how Ianto went from ‘I’ll never forgive you for killing my Robot Bikini Girlfriend’ to ‘Mmm, sexy fun time with Captain Jack.’ SRSLY. Perfect place for an onscreen explanation, and do we get one? We do not. THIS FUCKING SHOW. - Steve]

They all, except Jack, take mini-Retcon pills that will wipe out the last 48 hours to go back to who they were. (So it’s okay that Tosh got raped – she won’t remember it!)

Adam's in the cells getting all fuzzy.

Tosh says, ‘I’m going to lose so much.’ Jack says, ‘None of it was real.’
Tosh – ‘I loved him! And he loved me.’ Jack says, ‘He forced it on you. You have to let it go.’ And I can’t even go into the whole ‘he forced it on you’ when they totally glossed over the rape aspect.

Tosh, weeping, looks at the cctv of ‘Adam’ in the cells and cries goodbye. [Dear Torchwood, please stop trying to make us have woobie feelings over rapists. It is really, really sick. Cordially yours, Steve] They all take their pills and go sleepybyes on the table. Jack goes down to the cells.

‘Adam’ says, ‘I know what it’s like not to exist. Please don’t send me back.’ And now I just want to go down the Descartes route, but I won’t. Adam’s like ‘I can help you find good memories. I can help you get a good memory before I die.’ Jack is like, ‘Why?’ ‘Adam’ is like I was in the void and you gave me tasty memory dinner nom nom nom. So I say thank you by gives you tasty memory.

Jack remembers playing on the beach with his dad. Jack and dad and Gray are there. Adam asks if Jack is there. Jack goes to get his ball, that’s gone over a dune. There’s some boy there called Adam. He wants to play too. Young Jack says no and pushes him. Dad comes over the dune with Gray and tells Young Jack off for being a meanyboots. Young Jack is like, no! He shouldn’t be here! So Dad and Gray stomp off. Jack is all, it wasn’t supposed to be like this! We played till it got dark! In memoryland, Young Jack says ‘You did this! You made it happen.’ ‘Adam’ says the box contains his last good memory, of Jack playing with his dad. If Jack kills him now, he’ll lose it forever. Jack takes the pill. ‘Goodbye Adam.’ Adam has a spazzy fit on floor and disappears. Old Jack in memoryland is like ‘Come back! It wasn’t like this!’ I didn’t quite understand that sequence. Guys? [Right, watching it again. As punishment for deadifying him, Adam is destroying Jack's last good memory of his dad and his mum and his little brother. All the soft focus sandstorm stuff is just Torchwood's attempt to be artistic and creative with the concept of memory, as far as I can work out. - Carrie]

CARDIFF! Jack wakes up by a cell, all confuzzled. He goes upstairs and they’re all like why have we lost two days? Jack doesn’t know. For some reason, all the security footage is wiped. That makes no sense. Causing ‘Adam’ to cease to exist wouldn’t cause him to cease to [I]ever have existed.[/I] Especially as Owen’s flowers are still there, so the events of the past two days still did happen. Also, they could have written themselves a note, or made a little video or something. Stupid. [And it didn't really make a lot of sense regarding how he got there in the first place. If he only existed in their memories, did he suddenly appear because one of them randomly decided to remember a weird creepy mind leech out of nowhere? - Steve]

Anyway, they find Tosh’s flowers. The card says ‘love and apologies, Owen’. Owen’s like nah mate, not me, and gives Tosh a weird little smile.

Jack has found Ianto’s diary. He says, ‘for the record tape measures never lie’. So, Jack and Ianto spend their time measuring their cocks and seeing who can jerk off the fastest by timing it with a stopwatch. I was about to say, ‘What are they, twelve?’ but I don’t think anyone of any age does that.

Jack finds the gold box. A piece falls out. He slots it in and the box opens. It’s full of sand. [Because it was AT THE BEACH. Where his dad WHO IS DEAD and also NO LONER EXISTS was. - Carrie] Barrowman does some quality smell the fart acting.

End of.

Next week: Miss Martha Jones. She’ll whip this fucking rabble into shape, you mark my words.

Ssh! It's a SECRET

2008-02-06T14:20:00.000-08:00

Episode 2.04 'Meat'
Tx: 6th February 2008

Blah de blah, Torchwood, 21st century, Captain Jack voiceover, blah de blah.

So anyway, we're back in Cardiff and hoping that this week's episode will be a little more inspiring than the last. It begins promisingly, because it's lovely Rhys, driving in his lovely car, listening to the lovely radio and beaming in a lovely fashion at his company's lovely advertising jingle. But then his lovely phone rings, and he has to pull over to answer it, because he is a responsible motorist. It's his secretary, Ruth, who tells him one of the drivers from his haulage firm has been involved in an accident. Coincidentally, the accident is right in front of him! [Actually I think that was just sloppy editing. Rhys may not be the brightest condom in the box, but I'm sure even he would've spotted a serious RTA that close by. - Steve]

The lorry driver IS DEAD. Rhys talks to the police officer, explaining that it's his firm, and that the DEAD lorry driver has a wife and baby. Insert your own X-Factor joke here. There are many sirens as the police investigators discover that the lorry was transporting meat. And look! Who approacheth in the distance? Why, it is Team Torchwood!

Captain Jack and his team of efficient pros inspect the large slabs of meat. It has NO BONES - it is just flesh. And, as Captain Jack hasn't noticed any giant cows around recently [apart from Gwen - Steve], he concludes that the meat must be alien. Gwen still hasn't noticed her fiance standing about five yards from her, by the way. Then they drive off again.

Cardiff! Owen is in an attractive plastic green apron today. Gwen is fretting about Rhys's potential involvement with the ALIEN MEAT, calling him "the most honest man I know". That's right, love, and he deserves some honesty in return.

Rhys is back in his Portakabin office. The phone rings - it is a police officer. Except it's not, it's Tosh, doing Acting, and she interrogates him about his knowledge of ALIEN MEAT. [Given the type of lowbrow humour this show likes to deploy, d'you reckon we can get through the whole recap without a joke about Jack's penis? - Steve] It turns out that Rhys's staff's paperwork, initiative and competence would rival Team Torchwood's, and there isn't any record of who they've been dealing with at the ALIEN MEAT TRANSPORTING COMPANY.

Owen has performed a scan that proves the meat is ALIEN MEAT. Ah right, yeah, that famous alien-meat scan. Apparently it's safe to eat. [Nnngggh! Too many jokes! - Steve] As Team Torchwood ponder this, Ianto announces that the pizza has arrived. Heh.

Gwen decides that she should go home to see how Rhys is. [I wish I had the sort of job where I could just swan off on a whim in the middle of the day to visit my boyfriend. Then again, Gwen's such a liability they probably welcome any excuse to get her out of the office. - Steve] She pretends she cares about Rhys's driver dying, and that she knows nothing about the accident. Then she decides to go back to work again. Rhys tells her it was hardly worth her coming home, but she argues that it was, because "I get to see you". Like she cares.

Rhys isn't daft, he knows something is up, so he follows Gwen in stealthy fashion. She meets Jack in very unsecretive fashion, and asks him, "Have you ever eaten alien meat?" I think we all know where this punchline is going to go, don't we? [GAH! And we were doing so well... - Steve] Let's move on. Rhys follows Jack and Gwen in the Obviousmobile to the storage warehouse. Owen and Ianto are recceing it. Tosh is stuck at home. Poor old cow.

Having decided the best plan of action would be to burst in on the warehouse operatives and stun-gun them all, Jack and Gwen finally notice that Rhys has been following them, and they then spot a posse of dodgy boys in a white car. Star detective that he is, Captain Jack immediately decides that because Rhys and the dodgy boys are in the same place, they must be in collusion, and therefore Rhys is in on the ALIEN MEAT SCAM. Gwen refuses to believe that Rhys would lie to her, and goes to get him. Jack grabs her and pushes her against the wall. There is no sexual chemistry here whatsoever, in case you're interested. [Trufax. Unless a huge awkward pause where no one says anything and two people stare at each other's noses passes for sexual chemistry these days. - Steve] The new plan is to let everyone go in the warehouse, wait outside and see what happens. Why the plan should have altered so hugely from the stun-gun one that had been devised 30 seconds earlier simply because Rhys is now perceived to be one of the dodgy boys' gang, I'm not sure.

Anyway, the dodgy boys take Rhys through the warehouse into an office. The office door has blood spattered across the door, just so we all know this is a BAD place. [Also, the leader looks like Sylar.- Steve] Rhys, showing the sense and initiative that will never get him admitted to the Torchwood team, tells the dodgy boys that he is there to replace DEAD Leyton; it'll be him "clearing up old meat" from now on.

The dodgy boys accept this as a plausible reason for him to be there, and take him to meet the big old alien. It's having chunks hacked off it, and it wails and wails. Rhys DOES NOT WANT, and vomits. The dodgy boys tell him they don't know what it is, but no matter how much meat they cut out it keeps growing.

Jack and Gwen, meanwhile, have done bugger all and continue to observe the building. They see the dodgy boys and Rhys leave. They Do Not Understand. Everyone goes home.

Rhys and Gwen's place. Gwen attempts to tell him off for being in cahoots with dodgy boys, and Rhys SHOUTS. Oh my, this is magnificent. He tells her off good and proper about EVERYTHING - about lying to him constantly, to which Gwen responds, "All I ever asked was that you trust me." HA! Yeah, right. Then she has the cheek to criticise him for taking such risky action as entering a warehouse with a bunch of dodgy boys - "You prefer to blunder in without thinking...Heart's in the right place, brain's a million miles away." Sound like anyone else you know? [Well, the only other person in this show who possesses a heart or a brain is Toshiko, so... - Steve] Gwen finally tells Rhys about her alien-hunting metier in life, and he is unimpressed and disbelieving - "Aliens? In CARDIFF?" - so I'm not quite sure what the hell he thought that creature was in the warehouse that regenerates no matter how much it's dismembered and how much it bleeds. [Joan Rivers? - Steve]

Aerial shot of CARDIFF! Tosh, seemingly unscarred by her Lost Love from last week, tries to come on to Owen. It's dull and unsuccessful. [And pretty much flies in the face of what little character development Tosh and Owen have managed so far this series. Who the hell wrote this episode? - Steve] Aerial shot of CARDIFF! Gwen is taking Rhys to Torchwood Three, and has apparently rung ahead to warn her colleagues, like you need clearance to get in that building. Rhys meets the team and asks if they are a cult. Heh. Jack quizzes him about what he saw in the warehouse. Rhys tells him, and Owen does doctor-esque explaining, despite his white coat being nowhere in sight. Tosh realises that this form of meat supply is infinite - "We could feed the world!" "We could release a single," snarks Ianto. Jack, who seems to be competing with Gwen for the title of Most Loathsome Torchwood Team Member this series, shouts at Rhys; Rhys is having none of it and gives him a telling-off too. [And if I may quote verbatim from Jack here: "All you did tonight was mess things up. Now we have to think of a way to get back in, and thanks to you they'll have tightened security." I believe that's Torchwoodese for "We'd like you to work with us. We think you'll fit in perfectly." - Steve]

Rhys is a temporary member of Team Torchwood now, though surely he's far too competent to be recruited permanently. They have a team meeting. There is a reference to Scooby-Doo, which I'd like to think is a knowing wink to the fact that, well, Torchwood is like a grown-up alien-hunting Scooby-Doo, but I'm not sure this show has that much self-awareness. Jack wants to save the alien and send it back through the rift, despite never having seen it. Ianto knows full well if the alien comes back to Torchwood HQ, it'll be him looking after it - "I'll stock up on plankton."

Tosh brings Owen sandwiches, and offers to keep him company, and continues to drop even less subtle hints about the possibility of them having sex. BORED NOW. [Seriously. Tosh's utter failure to read the room here is beyond gross. I hate the way she's written in this episode. - Steve]

Gwen and Rhys have a Serious Talk about the Danger of the alien rescue mission. Rhys tells her that he will stay and be part of the team for this little escapade because he doesn't want to leave her with all the sexy young men. Rhys, Tosh is so sexually frustrated at the moment I suspect you might have more to fear from her. Gwen and Rhys kiss. Jack watches them and glowers. So - what, he loves Gwen now? I thought he was going to take Ianto out for dinner? [Told you it would never happen. - Steve]

Rhys's office. Jack flirts with Ruth the secretary. Ew. [And just so nobody misses some of the quality double entendres here: "Would I need a licence for TRUCKING?" "Yes! It takes four weeks and then you can go long-distance." "Oh, I don't think THAT'll be a problem." Seriously, who writes this garbage? - Steve] Rhys and Jack get into the Obviousmobile, and as they drive Rhys continues to give Jack a good talking-to about his management skills, concluding the rant by asking him if he is gay.

Rhys is sent off to Do His Work - he gets in the front of the delivery van. Team Torchwood get in the back of the van, and are utterly concealed by the impenetrable Welsh flag hanging between the cab and the storage space. Rhys drives into the storage depot, does excellent distraction of the depot staff so that he can release Team Torchwood, and when he goes to open the door THEY HAVE ALREADY GONE.

Yes, of course, they are wandering around the building, stun-guns in hand, making a reasonable attempt at stealth. A man hacks off more bits of the alien, which wails. Jack, Gwen and Tosh inspect his wounds. Jack looks pained, and emotes: "What have they done to you, my poor friend?" Ouch. John Barrowman has many qualities, but serious small-screen acting isn't one of them.

70s American cop show music as Owen and Ianto leap about the bloodied building doing spying and eavesdropping. Dodgy boy number 1 is proved to be heartless and evil because he doesn't care about the lack of sedative in the building, meaning that the alien can feel pain. Owen ransacks the stock of chemicals. Ianto is discovered by the dodgy boys, and they work out that Rhys has worked with him to get him in the building. They punch Rhys and take them both hostage, tying Ianto's wrists together. O NOEZ. Obviously they know that Ianto and Rhys wouldn't be working alone, and lure Gwen out, because SHE LOVES RHYS and does not want him to get hurt. Then Jack and Tosh are spotted because they are bad at stealth. Jack tries to explain to them about the alien. Although they are not listening, it buys Ianto time - he has untied the ropes round his wrists. [Which Nerdeo fails to see, despite standing RIGHT BEHIND HIM. Jesus. - Steve] He is pretty, snarky, clever and supple. The chief dodgy boy is unmoved by Jack's alien information and shoots at Gwen. Hooray! Except Rhys is chivalrous and lovely, so he leaps in front of her and takes the bullet. Boo! Ianto punches the dodgy boy, and chaos ensues. Owen continues to gather more chemicals.

The dodgy boys pack their bags and try to escape. Except Ianto is on the case, and today he is being both sexy and efficient, and stun-guns them all into oblivion. Ha. Owen tries to sedate the distressed alien. Jack shouts at him. SHUT UP. I have shouted, "Fuck off, Jack!" more times tonight than I shout, "Fuck off, Gabriella!" when I watch High School Musical. Meanwhile, while Owen is doing his sedating, Rhys is on the floor bleeding to death, but obviously the doctoring skillz are needed to euthanise the alien instead. Owen has to explain that he's had to perform a mercy killing. Jack looks pained. Finally, Owen does some doctoring on Rhys, which appears to equate to chucking some cotton wool at him. The alien wails some more in its death throes. Owen is sad and apologetic. Tosh takes this opportunity to try and grope him some more.

Cardiff! Rhys is in Torchwood HQ, all bandaged up. Gwen is being a nice girlfriend. Ianto tells him, "Next time, let her take the bullet." [Word, Ianto. - Steve] We discover that the dodgy boys have been amnesiafied, because the crime of mutilating an alien wouldn't stand up in court, so best all round just to forget it. Rhys is sad about the alien. Jack tells Gwen in confidence that Rhys has to be amnesiafied too. Gwen says she'll do it at home. She SO won't. [Why not? It never bothered her before. - Steve]

Outside Torchwood HQ. Rhys is all better now, with just a sling to show for his afternoon's work. He wants an ice-cream. He and Gwen sit by the sea and he talks about the amazingness of alienz and how his life has been changed. Gwen is unimpressed because it's, like, so mundane. Rhys compares himself to Jack, for no real reason. Rhys's phone rings, and Gwen takes the amnesiafying pill out of her pocket.

Torchwood Three. Gwen returns, all sirens and alerts blazing. She is refusing to amnesiafy Rhys. Shocker. Her argument seems to be that Rhys is much nicer than the rest of them, which is true, but not entirely convinced by the logic. [Her argument was also that he did it for her, just in case we forget that Gwen is the centre of the damn universe. - Steve] "I've lied to Rhys for long enough...He did it because he loves me." She says that she'll quit if Rhys has to be amnesiafied. Jack looks cross for all of two seconds, and replies: "Give Rhys my love and I will see you tomorrow." Gwen leaves and returns to Rhys. Jack is watching them on the CCTV. Voyeur. He sees them kiss, and he weeps.

Well, that was...odd, but fun. At least I laughed this week. Join us next week for more Scooby-Doo-Wood!

World Bore I

2008-02-02T15:40:00.000-08:00

Episode 2.03 'To The Last Man'
TX date: 30/01/2008

A staircase. People who talk posh. It must be The Past. They have proto-gadgetry and seem to be tracking something. They’re in a hospital. A nurse walks into the corridor, “Oh, I thought you were ghosts!” she says. Does she see ghosts often? She's seen three today, apparently - in the ward. Now we are informed that this is St Teilo's Military Hospital, 1918. [Through a caption. I hate when programmes have to tell you where they're basing the action. If the writing was any good, you should be able to work out where it is. - Carrie] When the soldiers get better, they will be sent back to the front. Modern day parallel? [Drink? - Carrie] Then there is noise and light and stuff, and Tosh appears with a soldier in pyjamas called Tommy. He demands that they take him, "So I can be here now". I’m just guessing here, but I think they were probably inside some kind of rift in the time-space continuum. So, of course, they march off to (a slightly younger) Tommy's bedside and demand that he goes with them. "Who are you?" *smug look* "Torchwood". Titles! [Disappointingly, we didn't get enough time to see if they were dirty bisexuals too. - Steve]

At this point, I just have to say that I don’t like the way this episode is going. Time travel plots never work. There are always gaping plot-holes, unless you don’t think too hard about the workings of linear time. Not that Torchwood fears plot-holes, obviously, but it’s not a good start. Aside from that, you must be kidding me - like there weren't more important people to fight in 1918 than aliens and various supernatural gubbins? Conscript their asses! Meanwhile, back in Cardiff...

Tosh's flat. Morning. It looks like an Ikea showroom. [It looks like a ruddy coliseum. How much do these people get paid? - Steve] Has she moved since last series? Tosh seems to be putting a lot of effort (more than usual, we’re supposed to deduce, although I suspect Tosh makes an effort every day just in case Owen gets a bit horny) into getting dressed. To a soundtrack of Moby. As she leaves the house, we see she has ringed Friday the 20th in her calendar. I can only assume it’s the first day of the Ikea winter sale.

Torchwood Three. They seem to be preparing for the annual arrival of Tommy and argue about how old he is - 20 or 114. Jack: “I know which one I'd choose.” I'm not sure I even know which one Jack would choose anymore. Owen remarks on the fact that Tosh arrives in a dress - some kind of shapeless purple sack. It's not what I would choose for my once-yearly date. Ah, Tommy is in the vault. Owen does some doctory stuff in his lab coat [fuck it, I'm not afraid to use cliche - because HE IS A DOCTOR - Carrie]. Ianto says they’re defrosting Tommy to "check he still works". Dopey Gwen is the only one who doesn’t know what’s going on or why. (Even though she would have been at Torchwood last year when they did this.-Joel) Jack: “One day we're gonna need him”. Everything doesn’t go to plan and Owen has to crank up the defibrillator and shout for no real reason – presumably to remind everyone that he is a Doctor [in his WHITE LAB COAT - Carrie]. Tommy wakes up panicking, but Tosh calms him down. He knows he's in Torchwood - and why wouldn't he? They probably conduct guided tours. In fact, I think we saw Ianto doing just that last week. Tosh asks Tommy how he’s feeling. “I could murder a cup of tea.” Gosh, he’s so British. Stiff upper lip and all that. [As long as all he murders is a cup of tea, he'll be Torchwood's best-behaved houseguest ever. - Steve]

Torchwood tea-room. "Don't expect the best china," says Ianto. Tommy notices Tosh's dress and asks whether she's wearing trousers underneath because it's cold outside. "It's the fashion this year," replies Owen. Sorry, but trousers with a calf-length dress? When was that in fashion? [Not since Katy Hill left Blue Peter at the turn of the millennium. - Steve] Anyway, how would he know? Tommy reminisces about the fact that, "In 1968 they were wearing miniskirts", thereby male-bonding with Owen in the course of a few sentences. Tosh is inwardly like, “D'oh! I knew I should have dressed more slutty.” (Well, slutty isn't necessary, but it would have been a good idea not to put on maternity wear if you want to catch someone's eye.-Joel) Gwen still doesn't get why Tommy's there. Jack repeats: “One day we're gonna need him,” which: not that helpful.

Owen takes some blood samples [while wearing his WHITE LAB COAT - Carrie], because he is A Doctor. Tommy is used to the procedure – he’s been doing this every year since 1918. Meanwhile, Tosh checks that he remembers who he is. His parents ARE DEAD, because he is IN THE FUTURE. Maybe he could enter The X Factor.

Jack's office. Gwen is still bugging him because she has to know absolutely everything that is going on all the time, so she knows how to screw it up most effectively. Jack explains that in the hospital in 1918 there was “a time shift, a fracture in the rift ... two slices of time were erupting into each other", but they don't know what slice. When the rift opens, pieces of 1918 will start to appear in the hospital, then all over the country, then all over the world!! OMGZ! Tommy is the only person who can stop it. Torchwood 1918 left them sealed orders in a wooden box. Gwen tries to open the box. (Stupid cow. SEALED orders. If the boss isn't allowed to look why the hell should you be?-Joel) Jack looks smug. It's locked. A temporal lock. It will only open when the rift opens. [Because heaven forfend they should be prepared or anything. Even WWI Torchwood couldn't get anything right. - Steve]

Tommy is dressed, and Gwen thinks he looks like a film star. Tommy: “Who, Charlie Chaplin?” Because he is FROM THE PAST! Gwen asks if they’ve got any more hot young soldiers locked in the freezer. She’s always on the lookout for a chap to cheat on Rhys with, even if she has to defrost him first. Stupid cow. [Aaaaaand the liking I felt for Gwen last week has now vanished completely. I knew it was too good to be true. - Steve] Jack tells her that Tosh saw him first – quite right too. (Also, you're engaged. And when you cheat on Rhys you feel guilty and then tell him and then rape his brain with Retcon pills to make yourself feel better. But you could just not cheat on your fiancé in the first place.-Joel) Gwen doesn’t get the man for a change.

Cardiff exterior. Tommy only has one day and he wants to see everything, wheeeee! If they wake him up every year, surely Cardiff hasn't changed that much? Tosh hasn't been up to anything since she last saw him – “work mostly”. She leaves out the part about shagging lesbian aliens. She didn't learn to play the piano, like she told him he was going to, but she did buy a book. She has to explain the term “24/7”, which is also new since 2006. Tommy judges her a bit for not having a life.

Torchwood Three. Gwen and Ianto drool over pics of Torchwood 1918. Gwen decides she's off to the hospital. Wouldn’t want anything supernatural going on without her being there to get in trouble, after all.

Tosh explains pool in the pub. Didn’t they have pool in 1918? Or at least snooker or something. Tommy asks if she's got a boyfriend, which: duh. She asks if he had a girlfriend in 1918. He says he did, and he had “courted her” for two years, but he dumped her when he was home on leave because, "The war changed me. I couldn't just carry on like before."(I'm surprised the war didn't make him bisexual.-Joel)

Gwen is back at the hospital. It is deserted. Except it isn’t. An amputee ghost appears and starts limping towards her, faster and faster, until... Gwen backs into a wall and the injured soldier disappears. [Even more idiotically, the bit of wall she backs into is RIGHT NEXT to a huge gaping corridor. Run down that, you stupid cow! If your self-preservation instincts are that weak, how are you not dead yet? - Steve] Gwen runs along a corridor for no apparent reason, and looks around another room. The lights flicker. That’s always a bad sign. Remember the alien from last week? She made that happen. [It always happens in Supernatural as well. I wish I was watching Supernatural instead. - Steve] Then some builders turn up and say, "Are you alright, love? You look as if you've seen a ghost." Ha.

So, it turns out the hospital is being knocked down. Jack has turned up, obviously having sent Gwen on ahead in case anything bad was about to happen. "In 1918 this hospital was full of wounded soldiers," Jack says, almost gleefully, and reminisces about the war. Because he was THERE.

Torchwood Three. Owen is in charge of all the shiny screens of power, but he's no good at that sort of thing and wants to call Tosh. Jack won’t let him. We all know she really needs to get some. He’s just thinking of what’s best for everyone.

Back in the pub, Tommy has learned how to order drinks. Whoop! I’m virtually certain there were pubs back in 1918. He sees news footage of tanks. "It seems like there's always a war somewhere." Ooh, social commentary! World War I was supposed to be "the war to end all wars", but then there was World War II. Tommy seems to be having a bit of an existential crisis. “Do you never wonder if we're worth saving, the human race?" Tosh: “Yes, I think we're worth saving - warts and all.” Then - oh my God, I can hear the violins swelling in the background – apropos of nothing, Tommy say, "I was just thinking I'd do anything for you. All you have to do is say, ‘Tommy, you're my brave, handsome hero and I need you'." I may have vomited. Does anyone else think this might have great significance later on? Then Tommy has a bit of a headache and Tosh looks worried.

The hospital. It is being knocked down, but apparently Torchwood are still allowed to wander inside. They must be beyond the builders’ union as well as the police and government. Team Torchwood split up. Have they never seen a horror movie? Or earlier episodes of Torchwood? Jack sees a nurse and soldier in a wheelchair, singing [and he doesn't join in? Would have thought West End Leading Man John Barrowman would have demanded that be put into the script, like Hugo Speer demanded a guitar-playing scene in this week's Echo Beach - Carrie]. He shines a torch at them (maybe that’s why he gets to be in charge of Torchwood?), but they don't seem to be bothered. Gwen seems fine, for a change. I think that’s about to change as she walks into a dark room and switches on a spooky flickering strip light. See, she doesn’t get a torch. She sees ghosts too, a man and a nurse. The nurse can see her now. Gwen looks behind her, but doesn’t reply, perhaps thinking the nurse is talking to someone else. Nurse: "I see you! Why won't you leave us alone? You shouldn't be here." (I often find myself saying that to Gwen. Are we sure that nurse was a ghost?-Joel) Then it’s not dark anymore and the nurse is gone.

A pier in Cardiff. Tommy chases Tosh, catches her and kisses her. Tommy: "What?" Tosh: "Nothing. Thanks." Tommy: "Thanks?" Tosh: "You just caught me out. It doesn't matter." Jesus Christ. Is there a Moving Wallpaper-style behind-the-scenes-of-Torchwood show, where we get to see how the show turns out such laughably terrible scripts? Tosh says she’s a bit older than Tommy, but he whinges that he’s “old enough to die for my country but too young to give you a kiss. You daft lass. What goes on in that head of yours?" You’d think Tosh might not like being patronised, but she doesn’t seem to mind. Tommy says he might be young, but he's seen a fair bit in his time, and then propositions her: "We could go back to mine but there's only room for one and it's bloody freezing." Ha ha. They’re on their way back to Tosh's shagpad when her phone rings. It's Jack. Tosh: "We're on our way." [That Jack. Such a damn cockblocker. - Steve]

Torchwood. Apparently demolishing the hospital is what triggers the timeshift. Two times can't exist simultaneously. You have to be in 1918 or now, not both. Duh. Tosh: “So when 1918 becomes fully manifest...” Owen: “It's really going to screw us up.” Jack screws up a piece of paper to demonstrate linear time going all skewy. The box of orders still doesn't open. Tosh and Owen are sent to the hospital to do "readings" or something. Gwen goes through the files. She ought to be kept in the office more often. Tosh doesn't want to be parted from Tommy, but work comes first.

The hospital. Owen and Tosh are sticking things to take readings all over the walls. Owen warns Tosh to "be careful" about being close to Tommy, because Owen can tell she's fallen for him. When did he start to give a shit? [At some point between series one and series two, apparently. He's been a lot nicer to her recently, but it's just a classic piece of unexplained offscreen character development - par for the course on this show. - Steve] Tosh says she can be herself with Tommy. Owen says he didn't think she had a fetish for defrosted men or anything (although I am not so convinced), he just doesn't want her to get hurt. Gwen sends Owen down to a different wing because of something she read in the old report. Gwen conjectures that the timeshift might have started, but maybe it doesn't complete until years in the future. But no, Owen sees what is described in the report - it's a car insurance advert. Owen, in serious voice: “It's not years in the future. It's now.”

Back in Tosh’s wing of the hospital, the readers are beeping a lot and an alarm goes off. What can this mean? I’m pretty sure it’s not good.

Torchwood Three. Jack is doing some paperwork when the box opens and some Pullman-style Dust comes out. He takes out a handwritten letter. Ianto: “Instructions? Jack: “Yeah, for Tommy... and Toshiko.” I don’t think she’ll have to sacrifice her life or anything, though.

Torchwood Command Centre. They have worked out that in 12 hours’ time there will be a brief moment when both eras co-exist. Tommy can step through to 1918 and close the rift. Then he will be back where he belongs - for good. You didn’t think Tosh would get a happy ending, did you? Jack: “You're the only one who can do this. Your life will be like a thread stitching time back together.” Tommy: “A stitch in time.” Ho ho! They have a rift key to close the door in time. It’s fortunate that they have all these useful gadgets lying around, isn’t it?

Jack's office. He reveals that Tommy dies three weeks after he goes back, shot by a firing squad. He was suffering from shellshock - Torchwood froze his memories, which is why he doesn’t remember this – and he was executed for cowardice. Jack gets dewy-eyed over the “more than 300” soldiers who were executed. Naturally, Tosh doesn't want to send him back. Jack: ”He trusts you... to help him save the future. It has to be you!” Torchwood 1918 drew a picture of her, which is how he knows. Then again, what if someone else could do it? This is where the whole time-travel thing gets a bit iffy, isn’t it? [I note that Jack doesn't particularly care if people from history die when he's finished with them - the real Captain Jack was probably court martialled for that very public gay kiss they had just as he was vanishing, but as long as Jack got his rocks off, that was FINE, right? - Steve]

Ianto has got Tommy's old clothes from the archives. Tommy: "So I'll be saving the world in some pyjamas? How daft is that?" I’m sure Ianto would have lent him a jaunty three-piece if it wouldn’t be anachronous.

Jack to Tosh: "I know you. You're strong enough to do this." Tosh:”Does Tommy know what happens to him?” Jack: “No.” Tosh: “If he asks me, what do I say?” Come on, Tosh, you’re smarter than that...

Tommy asks what time it is now, and the answer is ten to nine. The timeshift isn’t due until the morning. Tommy: “What do we do till then?” Team Torchwood look blank. Tommy: “You don't know, do you?” He seems to be judging them. I think Tosh has an idea. [And I'm fairly sure the rest of Team Torchwood are willing her to GET ON WITH IT and get some. - Carrie] Tommy says that in the trenches they used to play cards and have a drink, which Team Torchwood agree to do, but he doesn’t want to play with them because they’re not going over the top with him. Tosh: "He can come home with me. He's not our prisoner. He doesn't have to stay here, does he?" Jack: "No, if that's what you both want."

Tosh's flat. She tells Tommy to come in, although he already has. Tommy: “It's very neat.” Tosh: “Well, it's only me here (and I am an anally retentive freak with no mates).” Tommy: “And me, just for tonight. Then I'll be gone. I won't even be able to write to you.” Tosh: “I worried you'd see me getting older...” Bleurgh. Snoggage. It is MIDNIGHT. Tosh must live miles from Torchwood HQ if it took them three hours to get back to hers. [Either that, or her front door is really nearby, but her living room is three hours away. It is a very big flat, after all. - Steve]

Torchwood Three. Jack: “This time tomorrow he'll be back in 1918. Ianto: “His own time. Would you go back to yours if you could?” Troll. Jack: “Why - would you miss me?” Ianto: “Yep.” Aww, he is adorable. Jack: “I left home a long time ago... blah blah blah. I’ve seen things I never dreamt I'd see and loved people I'd never have known, and I wouldn't change that for the world.” Snoggage! (I've given up any hope of them explaining when Ianto went from 'you murdered my Robot Bikini Girlfriend' to 'I love you, Cap'n Jack' but it still bugs me.-Joel)

Tosh’s flat. They are post-coital sleeping. They were, anyway. Tommy: -“What did he tell you? What happens to me?” Tosh: “They send you back to France. Tommy: “Do they find my body?” Tosh touches his face. Tommy: “That's something.”

Aerial shot of Cardiff! There haven’t been many in this episode, have there?

Tosh's flat. Morning. She is already up. It's time.

Hospital. Team Torchwood have boxes with flashing red lights on. Jack: “We can't be here when it happens.” An alarm goes off. We hear some distant chanting. Jack: “We're safe for now.” The nurse ghost appears again. Tommy runs after her, but she's gone. "Where is she? In 1918." He is hearing things. He remembers that Torchwood 1918 took him and runs off. Tosh chases him. Tommy doesn't want to go back, but Jack says he has to. Tommy says they'll send him back to the front and Jack is just like the generals sending him over the top. Tosh says he has to. Tommy: “All this time I've had, it means nothing!” Tosh looks upset. Jack goes to talk to Tommy, with little success. Tosh asks him to leave them alone, and Jack does: “You've got two minutes.” Tommy shrugs Tosh off him, but she tries to sweet-talk him: “You're a hero, do you know that? Because you stop the timeshift and save everyone. You save us all.” Tommy: “I can't do it.” Tosh: “We need you.” Tommy: “I don't wanna be a hero. I want to stay here, with you.” It gets suddenly windy. They hug each other. Now they’re in 1918, in the scene we saw at the beginning. Tosh tells him to tell Torchwood 1918 what to do, because he's the only one who can stop it. Obviously, he tells them to take him. Bright light. They are back in 2008. Tosh: “Remember the rift key. Use it.” More kissing. Tosh: “You've got to get back into bed like you've never been away. Remember. It's nearly time.” It gets windy again, and Tommy walks into the rift. More bright light, and Tosh crying.

1918. Tommy is in a supply cupboard. The nurse tells him he shouldn't be in there.

2008. Team Torchwood run away.

1918. Gerald and Harriet [of Retro Team Torchwood - Carrie] tell Tommy they’re going somewhere safe. Tommy sees himself being taken away by Torchwood, but his earlier self doesn't see later him. That can cause all kinds of temporal problems. The nurse makes him go back to bed. Nurse: “Still warm at least. You’ve not been gone long.” Little does she know.

2008. Torchwood Three. Sirens. Gwen: “What's happening?” Tosh doesn't know. She has an aerial map of Cardiff on her monitor. Drink! It shows “chunks of the past erupting into the present” because Tommy hasn't used the rift key. Jesus, you train a guy up for 114 years, and what do you get? Jack wants to go back, but Owen has an idea of somehow going into Tommy's mind. Sorry, I’m a bit hazy on the details, perhaps because it sounds completely ridiculous. Tosh wants to do it because Tommy trusts her. The sirens have stopped now. It ruins the atmosphere when Owen is doing doctory things.

1918. Tommy is in bed. Tosh appears on his bed, but he doesn’t recognise her. Tosh: “I'm here to help you. Is this (the rift key) yours?” Tommy: “No.” Tosh: ”Do you know what it is?” Tommy: “It's a key”. Tosh: “You have to use it.” Although before she was talking simultaneously back in Torchwood, she isn't now, so the rest of the team don’t know what’s happening. Tosh: “You're not a coward.” Tommy: “What am I fighting for?” Tosh: “For the future. For me. Because you're my brave, handsome hero. Tommy, use the key.” He turns it. Some Dust comes out. More bright light.

Torchwood. Tosh tells them she did it.

Later, Tosh is folding Tommy's clothes away - for Ianto to put back in storage, I presume. Do these people never throw anything out? [Gwen's still there, isn't she? - Steve] Owen comes in as she seals them up. Jack comes over and is all, “Hey. Thank you.” I, for one, think he could have been a bit more effusive in his praise. Tosh nods and leaves.

Cardiff exterior. It’s raining. Owen has come out to talk to her, because he is New Man Caring Owen. Tosh: “He trusted me right to the end.” Owen: “Because you were strong. All of this is still here because of you.” Tosh: “Because of Tommy. Let's hope we're worth it.” Moby kicks in on the soundtrack again. Tosh smiles as she walks away. She’s probably thinking, “At least I got some."(Props to Naoko Mori here - the fluctuating between happy and sad was really well done.-Joel)

So, that’s it for this week. I think I got the short straw, because that may have been the dullest episode of Torchwood ever. Where was the humour? Gah. Next week - a car crash. Rhys. Gwen lying. Alien meat. Rhys in on it? A chained up alien. No Richard Briers yet. It’s bound to be better than this week, though.

Alien (I)ant(o) (f)arm

2008-01-23T14:04:00.000-08:00

Episode 2.02 'Sleeper'
TX date: 23/1/2008

We begin this week with a montage of Cardiff and Team Torchwood in action, as Captain Jack VOs to remind us what it is that his rabble actually do. Remember, kids, the 21st century is when it all changes - and Team Torchwood are ready. [Well, they're, erm, there. - Georgi]

Cut to a darkened bedroom, and a polka-dot duvet cover. A couple are asleep and snuggled up, until a noise awakens them. The man reaches for a cricket bat, which is underneath the bed, while the woman rings the police. A fight ensues. We see the chaos that has been created, and we hear the screaming of the victims, but we don't see what happens. Coo, what are the chances? [I just assumed it was Owen trying to rape them, as per. - Steve]

Titles!

Team Torchwood are at the scene of the crime, and immediately decide that there is evidence enough to conclude that this should fall under their jurisdiction. Captain Jack has reasserted his authority, and nobody seems all that disgruntled. He sends Owen and Gwen off to the hospital to talk to the couple who were being burgled and to observe the one surviving burglar; he and Tosh head up to the flat to inspect the evidence, including a burglar corpse and a broken window. A regular policeman is already up there, and he posits the opinion that the husband was the one to stab the burglars, because he was armed with a cricket bat in his bedroom and was therefore looking for a fight. Jack makes innuendo about hockey sticks in his bedroom. (Clearly a paddleball joke would have been better.-Joel)

The hospital, and Owen and Gwen are talking to the couple, who engage in affectionate domestic bickering. Owen notes that neither of them have blood on their hands, and says the wife did it. [I give him full points on his Occam's Razor exam, but deduct points for missing the chance to mention it. - Georgi] Gwen says the husband did. Jack rings and tells them to stay in the hospital to continue with their observations, and Owen passes on the message to Gwen. [Hasn't Owen learned by now that Gwen can't be trusted with *anything* by herself? - Georgi] She's happy to stay put, and in Ianto's absence, she sends Owen on a hot beverage run.

Gwen settles herself in a chair next to the injured burglar, and dozes off, plastic coffee cup in hand. She drops it, and it clatters to the floor, waking the burglar, who is terrified, and tells Gwen that it was the woman in the flat who attacked them, then promptly dies.

The woman from the flat, whose name is Beth, is in Torchwood Three with the gang. Jack is interrogating her in aggressive style. She demands her legal rights of a lawyer and a phone call, but Beth, if the laws of science aren't obeyed along that rift line, why on earth should the laws of the land be? Jack thrusts pictures of the murdered burglars in front of her, and she denies having anything to do with it, as well as denying that she is covering for her husband, Mike. As Jack isn't getting anywhere, Gwen tries the gentle WPC touch, but is similarly unsuccessful; Beth maintains she doesn't know what happened in the flat, but it wasn't her.

Ianto mocks Jack's fierce interrogative skillz [and Steve mocks John Barrowman's facial expression when he does those scenes - Steve]; Tosh does techy things; Gwen explains to Beth that she needs to have blood samples taken. Beth seems fairly unruffled by this, and is more concerned as to why there are no windows in the building. Gwen says they wouldn't be much of a top-secret organisation if people could peer in all the time. Yes. Quite. [Beth appears to be the only person left in Cardiff who hasn't heard of Torchwood. - Georgi] Ianto interjects to ask Beth not to sniff some odd piece of equipment. They tie her to the medical chair, and of course this is the cue for Owen to appear in his white medical coat, because he is a DOCTOR. He readies his sharps to take the samples, but as he tries to insert them into Beth's arm, the needles snap, as does a scalpel blade. Jack gets his anger on again and demands to know where Beth is from, because clearly she is an alien. She scoffs at him, telling him there are no such things.

They take Beth down to see the weevil in the cells, which, obviously, scares the hell out of her. The weevil makes a weird noise, and Jack does not know why. (Although you'd think the fact that it is bowing down and hiding in the corner would indicate pretty strongly it's scared of her. Torchwood really are spectacularly stupid.-Joel) Beth is desperate to prove she is not an alien, which turns out to have been a rash thing to say, because Team Torchwood's next plan is to tie her to a chair and strap on a mind-probe. Not before an aerial shot of Cardiff, however.

Jack is dead set on doing this mind-probe, even though Ianto reminds him what happened last time - the subject's head exploded, and just to emphasise his point he does a little impression thereof. Beth asks them not to kill her. Yeah, wouldn't get your hopes up, Jack's in an absolute fouler of a bad mood today. While she's undergoing the mind-probe, Ianto will be giving her water, proving his versatility - he's good with the cold drinks too. Jack explains how the mind-probe works, and confirms to Beth that it will hurt. Tosh will be operating the probe; Owen is being a DOCTOR and keeping an eye on Beth's vital signs; Ianto is of course in charge of the water; and Gwen will just be sitting and watching. Seriously, what is the point of her? (She is the HUMAN HEART of the show. We are supposed to identify with her, being out of place in this weird environment. ALthough I refuse to identify with rancid bitches, so...-Joel) Anyway, the probe starts up, and Beth screams in agony. She continues to insist that she doesn't know who killed the burglars, and that she is human. Jack tells Tosh to make the probe go further - still Beth sticks to her story. Again - and again - and Beth is still in excruciating pain, but there's something bugging Jack today [Not getting any? -Georgi] and he's not going to show any mercy. The lights are going mad; an electromagnetic field is going all haywire around Beth; and then something odd happens to her arm - it lights up and beeps. Well, that can't be good.

What has happened? Why, she has a buried compartment, and every question Jack asks is met with a response of her name, rank, and serial number. That's all she will say, and Jack is sure of this because he knows who she is and where she comes from. Gosh.

Time for a Torchwood team meeting, and Jack tells his minions that Beth is a sleeper agent, sent to infiltrate the planet to gather intelligence prior to a takeover. [Ianto: "She knows more about this place than I do. Nobody knows more than I do!" - Georgi] She has been given false memories in order to blend in as a human, and she has no idea that she is an alien. [Although, having claimed to know who she is and where she comes from, Jack doesn't get any more specific than "She's a sleeper agent." - Georgi]

Beth is locked in a cell and watching the footage of her interrogation. She's not happy. Gwen reassures her that her love for her husband is REAL and gives us a brief philosophical soliloquoy about the nature of humanity. Because, of course, Gwen knows all about what love and humanity are. Jack says that they can't make her fully human, and Beth asks the reasonable question of will they kill her. [I'd almost be more concerned about being kept in a mouldy concrete cell beside the weevil for the rest of my life. - Georgi] Gwen says no; Jack responds with a characteristic impenetrable stare. He continues to be really horrible to Beth, which is kind of unreasonable bearing in mind he's just SAID that she has NO IDEA she's an alien. Beth cries. Honestly, I'm even liking Gwen more than I like Jack today; that's what a tosser he's being. (Srsly. Stop yelling at the poor confused woman who's just discovered she's an alien killing machine. You jackass.-Joel) [It doesn't help that subtle dramatic acting on the small screen really isn't John Barrowman's strong point. Eve Myles and Nikki Amuka-Bird are acting him right off the screen without even breaking a sweat. - Steve]

Tosh does her techy thing and suggests freezing her, while Owen indulges in a bit of gardening and demonstrates his own new-found empathy by expressing his concern for Beth's husband. Goodness. Could this be...character development?

Beth has flashbacks to the apartment, which are obviously distressing, and just to make her day even better, they tie her to the medical table. White-coated Owen does his doctor strut, and Beth begs to be killed if she can't be made human. Gwen won't kill her, but Jack will.

Ooh, it's CARDIFF! A middle-class English-accented couple are sitting in their apartment drinking wine. The man is called David, but he is AN ALIEN. His arm lights up and beeps, and then he's in full-on alien mode, breaking his wife's neck on his way out of the flat.

A paramedic is treating a patient, but he is AN ALIEN too with AN ALIEN ARM. So is a young mother with a pram, and as her arm lights up and beeps, she lets the pram roll away into the road, where it is crushed. Nice.

Back in Torchwood Three. Beth is frozen. Owen is pensive. Gwen scurries down to the vaults, where Ianto locks Beth's body away, and is then pounced on by Gwen, who takes his arm as they walk meaningfully away. As they leave the room, we hear a clanging from the chamber, which evidently they can't hear. ZOMG Beth isn't frozen! Who knew? The alarms ring! The chamber is open! Where has Beth gone? Ianto mulls over the possibility that maybe the building needs its locks changing. I'd suggest you need to review your entire security system, sweetie, but it's a start. Gradually it dawns on the team that though Beth's vital signs may have been zero, they've been tricked. Owen realises that "everything about her is a lie!"; Tosh realises that it's no wonder there was so much energy surrounding her; Jack realises that Beth has another agenda.

Yes, she's gone back to the hospital to see her husband. She loves him. He loves her. She says she has to go away and can't tell him why, for his own good, but she still loves him and always will. Mike begs her not to leave him. They cry and embrace, and suddenly he groans. Oh NOEZ, Beth's arm has turned into a big old blade, and she has stabbed her beloved. [And herein begin the Terminator 2 references. - Georgi] She screams. Jack and Gwen race in and take her away. Then the doctors and nurses turn up. Hospital staff, when even bloody Torchwood are quicker off the mark than you, you know you need to reevaluate your emergency drill.

The alien Englishman turns up on the doorstep of a nice-looking family. ["Sarah Connor?" - Georgi] He stabs people. The alien paramedic puts an explosive device on a [liquid nitrogen? Oh, sorry - Georgi] petrol tanker and blows up the hospital. But for why? Well, there is an underground fuel pipeline for emergencies, operated by the military; and we discover that the father of the nice-looking family was Patrick Granger, the leader of the council. Ianto explains that Granger would know the procedure for emergencies, such as alien invasion. Tosh and Owen don't understand how Ianto knows that. He tells them he knows everything. "And it says so on the bottom of the screen." Heh, Ianto is brilliant this series.

The young mum blows up the telecoms centre. Jack is angry and snapping at Beth, like it's all her fault [when actually it is Torchwood's fault for bloody activating them all - Georgi], and Gwen tries being nice, asking her if she could trace the other aliens. Oh, what a surprise, she can. Whoop! Into the Obviousmobile! [Also, now I think about it, those alien arm panels are a bit Predator too. - Georgi]

The alien Englishman is driving round looking malevolent. Back at Torchwood Three, Tosh is trying to explain to Owen that the phones are down. All phones. Landlines and mobiles. All phones. DOWN. Ianto is adorably snarky again. [Does this count as character development for both Owen AND Ianto then? Now we just need them to flesh out Tosh and this will be the BEST EPISODE EVER. - Steve] Jack beeps in on some kind of walkie-talkie to tell Tosh where they are going, and then is rude to Beth again. The alien Englishman drives through a roadblock, and into a military testing zone, prompting Tosh to hack the military security system in a matter of milliseconds. Why, the zone is used for nuclear weapons storage! The aliens don't need their own heavy weapons, they can use OUR OWN WEAPONS AGAINST US! Jack describes himself as a dashing hero, and Ianto agrees. Team Torchwood think it's the end of the world. Owen: "Let's all have sex." Ianto: "And I thought the end of the world couldn't get any worse." [Tosh, meanwhile, has stripped down to her undies and strewn Torchwood Three with rose petals and candles. - Georgi]

The alien Englishman drives on. The military guards order him out of his vehicle, and when he doesn't respond, they shoot him. He is entirely unbothered, and stabs the soldiers. Team Torchwood in the Obviousmobile are close behind, and see the alien Englishman open the security system to the military centre, unlocking all the areas. What do you do when someone is impervious to bullets? Why, run them over, of course, because that'll work. Strangely it does. The alien Englishman is hindered by the Obviousmobile's impact, and Jack and Gwen rush to his side. Inevitably, he stabs Jack, who DOES NOT DIE. "We know who you are, Jack Harkness, and we know all about Torchwood." So does everyone else in the world and all others, alien-boy, so don't get cocky. "You'll be factored into our plans." Jack isn't interested in the alien's plans, and shoots him. The alien has one last trick, though - the explosive device in his hand. My notes for the next sequence read thus - RUN! LOOKIT! SPECIAL EFFECTS! [Plus we probably haven't heard the last of this lot. Jack: "When are the rest of you coming?" Alien: "They're ALREADY HERE!" Sinister. - Georgi]Oh, Torchwood. You did really well in the first half with the emotional dilemmas of finding out you're an alien. Then you went zoom zoom bang bang and it was shit. Also, why did those other two die? 'They're totally invincible with a micropore forcefield. Except for explosions.--Joel

So the world is sort-of saved, at least for the time being. We're back in Torchwood Three, and Tosh looks a bit like a strumpet, bursting out of her blouse. Gwen tells Beth they're ready to freeze her again, and Beth wants to know what will happen to her when she tries to harm them. She asks Gwen about her homelife, and on learning that she has a fiance, asks if she has ever hurt him. [Where to start? - Georgi] When Gwen confirms that she has, Beth asks her to imagine that guilt multiplied by a billion all the time, every second of the day. Beth doesn't want to die as an alien, and asks Gwen to remember her as Beth. Oh, and then her arm becomes a big old blade again, and she takes Gwen hostage. Team Torchwood aim to shoot, despite Gwen telling them repeatedly that it's a trick [I'd have called her bluff. It's a sacrifice worth making - Georgi], and as Beth draws her arm back as if to stab Gwen, our ace gunslingers shoot! Bang bang bang, and Beth is dead.

Gwen reiterates that Beth wanted them to shoot her - it was her last shred of humanity. Owen says that Beth must have known they wouldn't take the chance on Gwen being harmed, and Jack says that she made the decision easy for them. Gwen sits by the corpse and holds her hand. [I really liked Gwen this episode. Why can't she be this sympathetic more often? - Steve]

Cardiff! Jack is at his desk. Gwen asks him if they have stopped it. [Steve's PVR stops here, because the damn show didn't start until 9.03pm. SORT IT OUT, BBC2. - Steve] Jack tells her they know nothing, and she completely disagrees, listing all the stuff they do know, which for some reason prompts Jack to do a Cornish accent, then ask about her wedding plans. Bored after about two sentences of Gwen's wedding-related twitter, he sends her home, and remains in his office, a solitary figure, surveying the alien arm-blade [or possibly wondering if it would make a nice addition to his cabinet of sex toys - Georgi].

Next week! Tosh has a storyline! [And it is about The War again. Torchwood is like school history lessons. - Georgi] Don't miss it!

Back to Jack

2008-01-19T13:22:00.000-08:00

Episode 2.01: 'Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang'
TX date: 16/01/2008

Previously on Torchwood, there was series one. (Which we'll probably get around to covering at some point, but probably not until after series two has finished.) For those who didn't catch it, here's what happened: Jack was mysterious and immortal, Owen was creepy and kind of a rapist, Gwen felt that no one could possibly understand what it was like to be her, so she sought to fix this by shagging Owen and then mindraping her boyfriend to make herself feel better. Ianto hid his ~~misogynist plot device~~ partially cybernised girlfriend in the basement; Jack killed her, and Ianto swore he would never forgive him, but clearly forgave him offscreen at some point as otherwise this would get in the way of the gratuitous shots of men kissing. Suzie died twice, and it sucked because she was awesome. And Toshiko did get a storyline at one point, so she could get in her arbitrary bisexual moment, but didn't really get to do a lot else. We left everyone shortly after Jack vanished in the Tardis and it looked eerily like notorious incompetent Gwen was set to take charge. Let's see what happened.

Cardiff. [Drink! - Carrie] Night. A nice old lady (played by Menna Trussler, who you might recognise as one of the many not-gays that Daffyd is forced to share a village with in Little Britain) walks down the street and presses the button on a pelican crossing, despite an obvious absence of traffic. That is, until a blowfish in a sports car turns up. (Hmm. I know the production team have said that Buffy and Angel were the touchstones for this series, but did they really have to draw inspiration from season six, with the anthropomorphised aquatic creatures? And that's before James Marsters has even shown up). The blowfish irritably gestures to the old lady to cross the road, and she does so. The second the lights change, the blowfish floors it, leaving a slightly nonplussed old lady on the pavement. The familiar black SUV pulls up, and Gwen rolls down the window, asking the old lady if she's seen...yep, a blowfish driving a sports car. The old lady points wordlessly into the distance, and Team Torchwood zooms off. Old lady, watching them go: "Bloody Torchwood." I see their undercover skillz haven't improved since series one, if even mild-mannered pensioners know about them.

Inside the SUV, Tosh is babbling technobabble, while Gwen frets about Owen driving too fast and hitting a child. Owen says that if they're out this late, they've got it coming. I hope he's not talking about rape. There's some to-and-fro about what they'll do when they catch up with the fish, as well as some exposition to remind us that Jack is still missing. Gwen spots the blowfish in the distance, and Owen floors it. The blowfish, in its sporty little number, makes an impressive last-minute turn which Torchwood's ridiculous vehicle can't imitate. Hee. Owen pulls off some fancy drivin' and gets back on the blowfish's trail, and there is high-speed driving porn aplenty. Owen gets Gwen to hold the wheel while he...hangs out the window like an ass and tries to shoot the blowfish's tyres. I suspect this is meant to make Owen look like a big macho maverick, but to be honest, it just makes him look like even more of a blowhard. [Also, whose foot was on the accelerator? - Georgi] Anyway, Owen gets in a lucky shot and Team Torchwood pulls into a rainy cul-de-sac. Using their crack detective skillz, they follow their fishy foe to a nice suburban house, where he's already got a gun to the head of an innocent bystander.

Tosh scans the fish while Gwen and Ianto draw their weapons and Owen tends to an injured man, and Tosh announces that the blowfish is on cocaine. Okaaaay. [How does that even work? - Carrie] [The BLOWfish, geddit? - HA HA HA - Georgi] The blowfish launches into some hugely contrived exposition about how their leader's gone (did they issue a press release or something? Seriously: worst secret agency ever), and the kids are unattended. Essentially he tries to summarise them all as a bunch of inept stereotypes (easily done), going on about how they're lost and afraid without Jack, while emasculating poor woobie Ianto by claiming that he doesn't have the stones or the skills to shoot the blowfish, because the blowfish is a smooth mover and keeps swapping his own position with that of his captive. We keep focusing on poor trembling Ianto with his trigger finger set to go, and we're all hoping he'll grow a pair and just shoot the damn fish to make him stop with the clumsy exposition, until a gunshot rings out and the contents of the fish's head are all over some unassuming family's ugly curtains. But it's not poor Ianto who shot him, of course: it was Jack, appearing out of nowhere and grinning inanely. ["Hey kids, did ya miss me?" Ugh. - Carrie][Me: "Oh fuck off, you smug fucking git!" - Georgi]

Titles! I keep hoping to see Indira Varma's name popping up again, but no joy. Damn, I miss Suzie.

After some fleeting Cardiff porn, we're in Torchwood Three, with Tosh checking to make sure nothing else came through the rift. They're all functioning fairly well in Jack's absence, but Gwen appears to have assumed the role of Number 1 in Jack's absence, despite being the shortest-serving employee and probably the biggest liability of the lot of them. Jack looks on, impressed, but his flippancy frustrates Gwen, who slams him rather limply into a wall and berates him for leaving. Jack is typically enigmatic about where he was, admitting only that he found "[his] Doctor". "Are you going back to him?" woobies Ianto. [Aw. Ianto is jealous! - Carrie][Iealous? - Georgi] Jack tells them all that he came back for them, but keeps quiet about the fact that the main driver was his concern that they'd probably have locked themselves out after two or three days without supervision. An alarm signals more rift activity, and at the top of a multi-storey car park somewhere we see James Marsters emerge from the rift, having apparently looted Adam Ant's wardrobe on his travels.

He catches sight of a struggle on a nearby car, with some lowlife type threatening to cut another guy's neck. James Marsters cockily strides over and identifies Knife Boy as a bluffer, before grabbing him by the neck and dropping him off the side of the car park because he is BADASS. "He's dead!" duhs the pretty-faced victim, who promptly gets grabbed by the neck himself and dangled over the side for his troubles. He is spared, however, on the proviso he doesn't tell anyone what he saw. ["You ain't seen me, roight?" Hehe. - Carrie]

Cardiff porn: photosensitive epilepsy edition. James Marsters walks into a bar, and starts leafing through the clientele (switching off the PA system's music with a button on his wrist-strap - damn, I have to go to get me one of those) getting the pretty ones to stay and making the "ugly" ones leave, even though this is TV so none of them are really ugly at all. The bouncers head over to deal with him, but he pulls out two badass-type guns and the patrons, entirely sensibly, flee of their own accord. He cackles.

At the bottom of the multi-storey, Team Torchwood arrive to investigate the body. Tosh senses energy from the rift, which Jack identifies as being the result of a rift-traveller grabbing and pushing him. Jack commands that they return back to base to mull over the evidence, prompting a crabby comment from Gwen about him taking charge again. Fucking prima donna. Note how none of the other staff, who are more senior than Gwen is, have a problem with this. This is because Gwen is a hateful cow. Gwen heads over to the police barrier and proceeds to talk to Andy, the regular police guy, like he's something she just scraped off her shoe, because Gwen is a bitch with an unearned sense of entitlement (see above). Andy makes a sarcastic comment in the direction of Gwen's stuck-up departing back. I sense that Andy and I are destined to be lifelong friends.

As Team Torchwood attempts re-entry to the Obviousmobile, Jack's wrist strap beeps, which is a sufficiently unprecedented occasion to draw comment from both Ianto and Jack, and a Star Wars homage hologram erupts from Jack's wrist. James Marsters cops to his role in the dead body on the pavement and tells them where he is, because he wants to move the plot along as much as I do. Before disappearing, he mugs "help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope", which: yeah. We already got what you were doing there, Mr Chibnall. You didn't need to whack us all on the head with a broom to make sure we were paying attention. Jack tells the team not to follow him, and zooms off in the Obviousmobile before the others can get in. Owen crabs about Jack "swanning back in" and assuming control, which is less annoying coming from him given that he's a complete misanthrope anyway. Tosh cheerfully offers to track him with her scanner, while enterprising Ianto hails a taxi.

Jack arrives at Bar Reunion to find James Marsters drinking alone. There's a pastiche of a saloon-gunfight as Jack enters and the two men square up, but because this is Torchwood, they march up to each other and start swallowing each other's tongues. And also because this is Torchwood, immediately afterwards they start punching each other. Words to the wise: never hire these guys to plan your wedding. Fight porn to the theme of 'Song 2', and it's all very macho if you like that sort of thing. [Which..um, yeah, I do. - Carrie] There is a great bit where James Marsters grabs Jack by the scruff of the neck and slides him down the bar face-first into a long line of shot glasses. I half expect Jack to scream "My face! My valuable face!"

Team Torchwood follows in a taxi, all wondering what the fuck is going on. True to form, Ianto's primary concern is that Jack recognised the alluring stranger, while Gwen continues to bitch about Jack's behaviour, under the misapprehension that anyone cares what she thinks. Gwen finishes by hissing that it drives her crazy that Jack won't tell them anything about himself, and there's an uncomfortable pause before Ianto murmurs, "It is more fun when he's around, though." Heh.

The fight grinds to a halt as the two men pull their weapons on each other (ew, not like that, although I can understand why you leapt to that conclusion). Jack identifies himself as Captain Jack Harkness, obviously (since we all know it's an identity he stole, so it would make sense that even if he knew this guy, he'd still have to provide his name), and James Marsters tells us that he's Captain John Hart. I hope you're all prepared for a torrent of double entendres, because they start here and they pretty much don't stop until the end of the episode. Jack: "I worked my way up through the ranks." John: "I'm sure the ranks were very grateful." And then they both put down their weapons and grab a drink. James Marsters demonstrates impressive control of his gag reflex as he downs a bottle of spirits, while Jack amusedly asks him how rehab was. John has apparently been to rehabs, plural, for drink, drugs, sex and murder, but claims to be clean of everything now. Jack asks him how the Time Agency is, and John dolefully responds that the Agency has closed, and there are only seven of them left now. Hands up everyone who thinks that's going to be part of this year's plot arc? Yep, me too. "It's good to see you," says John, a tad wistfully, and I'll just take a moment here to point out what an awesome job James Marsters is doing with this role. He's such a good fit for this show, because he can sell both the sleazy one-liners and the more emotional stuff. It's a shame he's not a full-time cast member, really. Jack tells John that he doesn't want him on his territory, to which John takes exception and starts shooting at windows. It's not because he's mad, though, it's because he knows Team Torchwood is lurking there. These guys really need to go on some kind of covert ops awayday. Does Torchwood have a personnel development programme? It really needs one.

John is delighted by the arrival of Jack's bitches, and endears himself to me even further by referring to Tosh as a "pretty little one" while totally ignoring Gwen. Yay! John asks if they have a team name, because he loves team names. "Torchwood," snaps Jack. "Oh. Not Excalibur?" replies John. Jack introduces the team to John, and John grandly tells Team Torchwood that he and Jack were partners. "In what way?" asks poor, insecure Ianto, and the answer is of course "every way, and then some". Jack claims it was for two weeks, but John points out that those two weeks were spent in a time-loop, so it was actually five years, adding "it was like having a wife", which prompts them to have a queeny fight over which one of them was the girl. Oh dear. Tosh plants herself in the familiar position of third wheel by flirting abortively with John, while Jack demands to know what John's doing there. John grudgingly reveals his wrist strap (which is, of course, "much smaller" than Jack's, but "lasts longer", and I'm not sure how many more knob jokes I can take tonight) and outs Jack as a fellow Time Agent, prompting a collective "wtf is a Time Agent?" from Team Torchwood, complete with Gwen pulling a bitchface.

John's wrist emits a hologram of a phallic-shaped (natch) metal object and relates the story of a sexy woman he was working with who got shot in the line of duty, and told him about radiation cluster bombs as she was dying. Said bombs got swallowed in a rift storm and ended up in Cardiff. John relates that they need to be tracked down and neutralised before they infect lovely Cardiff. Jack sceptically asks what's in it for him, to which John not entirely-convincingly replies that he's carrying out a dying woman's wish. He's also relying on Team Torchwood's local knowledge to help him find the bombs, because he doesn't know where to look. Tosh comes up with a plan, causing John to identify her as "the brains and the beauty", which makes me wonder why they really need any of the others. Although I suppose Ianto is key through the supply of hot beverages, Owen's got important medical knowledge, and, well, there'd be no one there to sulk all the time if Gwen didn't do it. Jack grudgingly agrees to let John work with them, and John is excited to see Jack's house.

"You live in a sculpture?" asks John, outside Torchwood Three. "Could you be any more pretentious?" Well, someone had to say it. There's another "whoops, vicar" joke about the tourist entrance, and Jack and John are lowered in front of some indifferent CGI. Ianto looks extremely displeased at the ex-girlfriend's entrance into the marital home and takes great joy in carting off John's weapons.

"He's a compulsive liar," snits Gwen as she and Jack march through the corridor. "Why is he in the building?" Well, it's never stopped you before, you adulterous mindrapist. Jack points out that they have to assume he's being truthful in case the city really is in danger. Gwen asks him what a Time Agent is, and once again Jack totally evades the subject. Gwen gets her bitch on again and demands to know where Jack disappeared to, even though last time I checked he wasn't under any obligation to tell her, so she can take her intrusive questions and fuck right off. Jack babbles on about dying lots of times, and seeing the end of the world, and how when that was over all he wanted was to come home to Torchwood and/or Gwen. [When, exactly, did Captain Jack fall in love with Gwen? He's supposed to be in love with the Doctor. And Ianto. Could someone explain to me why Gwen is so irresistible? - Georgi] He gropes her hand and notices an engagement ring. He asks what it is, and Gwen makes a characteristically snotty "duh" retort. Apparently Rhys proposed while Jack was away. "And you said yes?" Jack asks. "Well, no one else will have me," replies Gwen, who apparently didn't watch series one and doesn't get why she isn't allowed to make comments like that. God, I hate her so fucking much. (I feel so sorry for Eve Myles, who's clearly doing her best to make Gwen a likeable character, but it's the mother of all uphill struggles.) There's a moment of awkwardness before Jack congratulates her and kisses her cheek.

Tosh has spotted three disruptions in the rift, so John suggests they send two people to each location. Jack is unimpressed at John taking command, so Gwen, eager to make her own point here, starts toadying up to John and flirting with him, prompting Ianto to roll his eyes hard enough to power a small turbine. Hee. Gwen splits up the teams thusly: Tosh and Owen will go north, Ianto and Jack will go west, and she and John will go to the docks. Jack, quite rightly, gets up in her fries about her giving orders, and Gwen's all "you have a problem with this, bitch?" By rights, she should be so fired by now. Everyone sets off to leave, but Jack demands a word with Gwen in private. He asks her what she's doing, and Gwen reveals her super-genius plan of flirting with John to get him to drop his guard, a plan of such unrivalled genius that no other woman has ever attempted such a feat before. Well, I guess now we know why she was the one in charge. There's a bit of an "I'm the boss" "No, I AM" moment before Jack hisses three rules to Gwen: never trust a word John says, keep him in front of you at all times, and never let him kiss you. "As if I would!" snorts Gwen indignantly. Wow, she really didn't watch series one, did she?

Dramatic Cardiff porn! Gwen and John are looking through containers at the docks. Gwen asks about the woman who told John about the bombs, and John tells her they were in love, it clearly being something of a touchy subject, so Gwen relents. Gwen's phone rings: it's lovely Rhys, calling to engineer her ultimate downfall by telling her he's got a new job. This is our only sighting of Rhys tonight, folks: enjoy it while you can. Gwen hangs up only to discover John has vanished, naturally. He appears out of nowhere and Gwen pulls a gun on him, primly telling him to walk in front of her. John crabs that she's so untrusting, but mentions that with a boss like hers it's understandable. He drops more hints in Gwen's mind about Jack being a conman, and opens a container: lo and behold, there's one of the canisters. Gwen, in firm possession of the Idiot Ball, forgets rule 2 and runs in to grab it, leaving John free to saunter up behind and kiss her. Gwen spazzes out and falls to the floor, as John in true evil-villain style tells her he's wearing paralysing lipgloss. I don't know quite how one can wear paralysing lipgloss without infecting oneself, but if I ever want to finish this I'm just going to have to start handwaving stuff like this. John also informs her that if she's not found within two hours, her vital organs will shut down. Hooray! (Also: so, what, just being found is the antidote to the paralysis?) John departs with the canister, leaving the parting shot that Jack won't stay with her/them. I'm not quite sure if the show's trying to comment on some kind of Jack/Gwen UST, but come on: she's engaged, she's already had Owen, and now she's getting moist over Jack? Having a healthy and open approach to sexuality is one thing, but these people need to stop trying to shag their damn colleagues already. John locks Gwen in the container. Gwen's eyes look suitably alarmed.

Cardiff porn takes us west to Tosh and Owen, also in possession of some serious UST. Owen bemoans their lot in life, and Tosh is about as subtle as a iron skillet in saying that surely Owen would normally be out on the pull at this point. Owen says that he's done all of that before, and needs a proper woman, who he has something in common with. Tosh's eyes light up, but thankfully she's got her back to him. He asks Tosh if she's seeing anyone, and Tosh says much the same: it's hard to find someone who can understand what she goes through. Owen lucks upon the second canister, which is the cue for John to emerge from the shadows. Tosh immediately spots that something's amiss due to Gwen's absence, and gets a Glasgow kiss for her trouble. [Presumably John has run out of paralysing lipgloss by this stage. - Georgi] Owen draws his gun, but John's already got his ready and threatens to shoot Tosh if Owen doesn't put his gun on the floor. Owen, perhaps a little surprisingly, readily drops his gun and tries to talk to Jack on the comms system, which John has, of course, already disabled. Damn, he's good. [To be fair, Team Torchwood - not that difficult to outwit. - Carrie] Owen threatens John that he'll kill him if he harms Toshiko again, and tries to stand his ground. John umms and ahhs between shooting Owen or battering him with a cricket bat (it's like Sophie's Choice) before finally opting to shoot him.

Jack and Ianto in an office. Apparently, offices make Jack horny, but then what doesn't? Ianto tries to keep things on course, but Jack keeps changing the subject, and tells Ianto how while he was away, he was thinking maybe once this was all over, maybe they could have dinner, go to a movie. "Are you asking me out on a date?" asks Ianto. "Interested?" Jack replies. Ianto splutters adorably before stating "as long as it's not in an office." Okay, that was cute, but I get a feeling we'll never get to see that date onscreen. I hope I'm wrong, though. Getting back down to business, they realise there's still a lot of ground to cover, so Ianto decides to cover the office ("don't want you getting too excited") while sending Jack up to check the roof. "You're good on roofs." Heh. Most self-deflating meta humour, please! That's the sort of thing that gets me onside.

Searching the office, Ianto hears the ping of the lift and draws his gun warily. He walks slowly out into the corridor, where the lift remains open for what feels like an eternity, despite the fact that any normal lift would've been closing even as the occupant was still getting out because that's what lifts do. Ianto approaches it warily, before pouncing...only to find an empty lift, and a gun to the back of his head. "Into the lift, Eye Candy," John tells him, taking his gun. John tells him that his friends are dying. Ianto tries to contact the others on the comms system, but is denied, of course. John tells Ianto to start running when he gets to the ground floor and see if he has time to save them, and that if he tries to come back up and save Jack, he'll be shot on sight. Ianto asks John why he's doing this, and John goes on about cosmic jokes, before stating "the jokes, the sex, just go to cover the fact that nothing means anything", which could easily be another meta-statement about this show, but is also a set-up to reveal that the only thing John cares about is that coldest of all mistresses: cash. He sends Ianto back into the lift. Ianto looks thwarted.

Atop the roof, Jack is surprisingly not looking thoughtful and gargoyle-like, but has located the final canister. John approaches from behind him making another pity comment about Jack's arse. John calls Team Torchwood "pretty, but stupid", which: word. Jack asks if they were really supposed to believe the canisters contained radiation cluster bombs, and John turns it back on him by saying that they were stupid enough to fall for the scam either way, since the dim pretty minions did all the hard work for him. He invites Jack to join him, saying that together they could rule the world (didn't know he was a Take That fan). Jack refuses, claiming that he's never really been tempted by John's invitations. Things get bitchy as they each try to claim the other one's looking old and haggard [which: having had less Botox than the Barrowman - not necessarily a bad thing - Georgi], and Jack refuses to hand over the canister, instead throwing it over his shoulder with a "whoops!" John, unimpressed, delivers his own "whoops!" as he pushes Jack off the roof to his obvious (albeit not to John) non-death. Jack lands on a double-fronted bench, the backrest of which serves all the better to sever his spine. Funny how there's always one of those handy for someone to fall off a building onto, especially when it appears to be the only one around for miles.

Cardiff porn. Ianto's in the Obviousmobile, trying to locate the others. Paralysed Gwen can't answer her phone, of course. Tosh is tending to Owen's wounds just as Ianto arrives looking for them, and they both fret about Gwen's failure to answer. I wouldn't, in their shoes, but it's impressive loyalty that they do, I suppose.

John strides out of the main door of the office block and picks up the discarded canister, before walking over to Jack, who kind of looks like he got paralysed in the middle of doing an exercise video. John steals his watch strap to gain access to Torchwood Three, and paws Jack's face a little bit. [I was waiting for Jack to bite John's finger. So to speak. - Carrie]

Docks. Ianto, Tosh and Owen are looking for Gwen. Ianto tries her phone again and can hear Gwen's suitably eerie ringtone in the distance. (Sidebar: Gwen has the same eerie ringtone as my university housemate who once vanished for a week, and who several of us thought might be lying dead in her room. The fact that we could hear her eerie ringtone in there whenever we tried to call her just made us all more convinced of her apparent doom. Bizarrely, she turned up a few days later, having been staying at Claridges and spent the whole week shopping in London. Did I mention she was insanely rich?) Ianto finds the phone on the floor, but no Gwen. Tosh, in her continuing role as the Applied Phlebotinum manager and claims that if Gwen received a call she can use a scanner to triangulate its location off the network. Which she does in about two seconds flat. Handwaving, moving on. Tosh finds Gwen in the first container she looks in (handy!) and a quick toxicology report reveals she's been poisoned. Handily, Owen has an anti-toxin kit. What are the odds? (Perhaps John should've clarified earlier that you don't just need to be found within two hours, but found by a qualified doctor who habitually carries a wide selection of antidotes. Those pesky loopholes.)

Torchwood Three. John is fishing out a metallic pyramid from the blowfish's trouser pockets, which is apparently the key to unlocking the three canisters. Not asking why, moving on. Just as he's about to drop it into place, there are four guns locked and loaded and pointed right at him. Well, if he will insist on sauntering everywhere, they probably did have time to catch up with him. Gwen tells him that whatever he tries to do to them, they'll always find a ~~plot hole~~ way to come back stronger. John tries to tell them that Jack is frozen in the world's most permanent star-jump, only for the man himself to stride back into the room. Sure knows how to make an entrance, doesn't he? Jack's all "oh, btw, I can't die. Sorry, forgot to mention that." John asks him what the psychological cost of constantly being reborn into such a mess is like, just so we're all sure that we know about Jack's personal torment, and Jack tells him that it's worth it for "these people, this planet. All the beauty you'll never see." He's probably talking about Ianto's bum. Gwen asks what's in the canisters. John reveals that the woman he mentioned was in possession of an Arcadian diamond, and just when he'd caught up with her, she generated her own rift storm. Tosh points out that he said it was a dying woman's request, so he clarifies that it was: he's the one who shot her. Doh! He threatens to split it 50/50 with them.

In Jack's office, John slots the triangular holder thingy (what? I don't know what it's called) over the pyramid, which he claims should reveal the location of the diamond. Sure enough, another hologram appears, of a sexy lady. The lady congratulates him for travelling so far to find her riches, but points out one flaw in his plan: there is no diamond. The pyramid then transforms into a nasty looking limpet mine and attaches itself to John's chest. Sexy Lady reveals it to be an explosive device which attaches itself to the DNA of whoever killed her. It'll be exploding in 10 minutes, and it'll explode if anyone tries to remove it. Which is pretty bitchin', but...why the 10 minutes? Why not just explode as soon as it attaches, rather than giving someone just enough time to figure out a way out of it? Oh, right: Applied Phlebotinum. [Also, you have to question the wisdom of spreading a rumour that you have some big diamond, thereby attracting the attention of people who will kill you in order to steal it, jsut for the satisfaction of outwitting them from beyond the grave. - Georgi] Moving on. Ianto gets out his stopwatch [hooray! - Carrie] and starts counting down the ten minutes with an unmistakeable air of glee. Heh. Team Torchwood is pretty smug about this turn of events, and starts idly speculating about getting John out of the city. "You've got to help me," John pleads. "Why?" asks Jack, and John responds by grabbing Gwen and handcuffing himself to her. Yay! Take her out with you! No complaints here. The handcuffs are made from hyper-steel, impenetrable unless you have the key - which he promptly swallows. Gwen, unsurprisingly, is a tad miffed. Now John has leverage, because Team Torchwood feels compelled to save Gwen's life, even though they'd be far better off just letting her idiot ingrate ass blow the hell up. Gwen asks Tosh if she's perfected the Rift Predictor Program - if there's anything in the next few minutes, they can jump into the rift and keep the city safe from the explosion - although of course, she and John won't be safe from it. Yeah, not seeing the problem there. Anyway, Gwen's being all martyred hero about it, and Tosh says that the rift is still active in the car park where John arrived. Gwen manhandles John out of the hub, with Tosh and Ianto in quick pursuit, while Owen grabs Jack and they run off to do something of obvious immediate importance with a bunch of sample bottles, one of which is labelled "Ianto Jones".

On the way to the car park, John is using his final five minutes of life to realise what Jack sees in Earth and the many beauties that inhabit it, including a moment of icky sexual attraction towards a poodle. [This was brilliant. "It's GORGEOUS!" Captain John must stay. - Carrie] The Obviousmobile rolls up to the carpark in broad daylight (even though it was pitch dark when John pushed Jack off the roof, which can't have been more than a couple of hours ago) and Gwen, Ianto, Tosh and John alight from the vehicle. Gwen starts heading towards the rift, while John (who's obviously read the script) wonders aloud where their last-minute rescue is. Gwen turns back to the team and gets as far as "tell Jack I l-" which: gross. How about a message for your fiance, you horrid woman? Anyway, right on cue, Owen and Jack roll up in the sports car, and Jack tackles Gwen and John to the ground. Jack stabs a needle into John's chest and John howls in pain, while Ianto continues the countdown which is now on 30 seconds. There's a general commotion as Jack and Owen wonder why nothing appears to have happened, and the countdown continues, so Gwen gets her noble on and says she has to go. Pulling John to his feet, the limpet mine suddenly disengages and falls out of John's chest, although is clearly still set to explode. Jack grabs it and lobs it into the rift, and Team Torchwood+1 lunge out of the way of the resulting explosion with a bit more indifferent green-screening.

As they get up from the debris, it's night-time again. Gwen spots this and asks why; Jack replies that the rift has reset time to the moment John arrived, so it's like he was never here. [Where are the men who were on the roof when Captain John first arrived, then? - Georgi] Which seems to be a bit of a pointless use of the Reset Button - it's not like anything happened that warranted the resetting of time. Jack crabs that now they'll have to avoid themselves, which gives them a short sense of how the rest of Cardiff probably feels. Gwen asks what was in the syringe, and Owen explains it was Torchwood DNA: samples of the five of them (what, no Suzie?) fused together and injected into John's heart, enough to confuse the mine. [I don't pretend to know a lot about DNA, but am really not sure that would work. I shall wave my hands dismissively also. - Carrie] [What kind of emergency were they keeping vials of Team Torchwood DNA for anyway? - Georgi] Jack tells John he wants him gone, and Gwen points out that they need to get the handcuffs off first. John retrieves the key from the lining of his throat (old Artesian trick, apparently), and tells Gwen that she was his passport to survival, at which she promptly lamps him viciously.

John returns Jack's wrist-strap and tries to wangle an invite onto the Torchwood staff, but Jack declines, presumably because John's a little too proficient at things like walking in a straight line and remembering to turn the lights off at the end of the day to ever truly fit in. John kisses Jack goodbye and jumps into the residual rift energy to get away. Just before he leaves, he gives Jack this parting shot: "By the way: I found Grey." Extreme close-up on Jack's face, shot of a hand slipping out of another hand. I suspect this will prove meaningful later. John departs, and Gwen asks: "who's Grey?" (Interesting that she didn't say "what's Grey?") "It's nothing," replies Jack. "Let's get back to work."

Coming up: more sexy alien hunters. Richard Briers [even Richard bloody Briers knows who Torchwood are. And he's been self-sufficient in suburbia for the last 30 years. - Carrie]. Giant bugs. Weevils. My boyfriend Andy. Explosions. Lots of snogs. More Captain John [yayz! - Carrie]. Martha Jones! Alan Dale [Jim Robinson! - Carrie]. The possible end of the world. Ianto announcing the end of the world, Owen suggesting they should all have sex, Ianto realising that the end of the world could be even worse than he assumed. A shot of Gwen at the docks which appears to be from tonight's episode. Hmmm. Jack standing ON A ROOF. See you next week.

Paralysing LIPGLOSS?

2008-01-17T10:42:00.000-08:00

Hello, children.

As a stop-gap measure until the lovely Steve writes up the full recap, I present to you, Torchwood 2.01 Abridged.

Fishman: Grr!
Torchwood: *whimper*
Jack: *bang!*
Gwen: Why is you not tell us where you be!?
Jack: Shut up.
John: Lol, murder!
Jack: Mmm, snog.
Torchwood: oh noes!
John: There are be bombs!
Torchwood: oh noes!
Gwen: I is boss now.
John: Here is da bomb! Also, lol, I is have paralysis lip gloss.
Tosh and Ianto: We is setting up possible Gruesome Twosome.
John: Gief bomb! *bang* lol!
Jack: So I here you liek going on dates?
Ianto: Maybe. You done kill my girlfriend but that's okay.
John: Gief bomb!
Jack: Noes!
John: You die now!
Jack: *dies*
Ianto: I is be da hero.
John: I gets me diamond. Not actual bomb!
Torchwood: Noes!
Gwen: We is invincible.
John: And I is actually invincible.
Diamond woman: Haha! No diamond! Actual bomb. Lol the irony.
John: I is blow up this woman too!
Gwen: I will go in rift before blow up Beautiful Cardiff.
Owen: I is be doctor so can understand medicine and make complete bullfish about DNA.
John: Yay, my bomb is gone.
Jack: Oh, look, for no reason that makes any sense we are now back to where John came in. We are now 12 hours behind ourselves for ever, but that's okay.
John: I is go in rift now! Bye! Also, I found Grey!
Jack: Wuh?
Gwen: Who be 'Grey'?
Jack: Shut up.
-END-