Paralysing LIPGLOSS?

Hello, children.

As a stop-gap measure until the lovely Steve writes up the full recap, I present to you, Torchwood 2.01 Abridged.

Fishman: Grr!
Torchwood: *whimper*
Jack: *bang!*
Gwen: Why is you not tell us where you be!?
Jack: Shut up.
John: Lol, murder!
Jack: Mmm, snog.
Torchwood: oh noes!
John: There are be bombs!
Torchwood: oh noes!
Gwen: I is boss now.
John: Here is da bomb! Also, lol, I is have paralysis lip gloss.
Tosh and Ianto: We is setting up possible Gruesome Twosome.
John: Gief bomb! *bang* lol!
Jack: So I here you liek going on dates?
Ianto: Maybe. You done kill my girlfriend but that's okay.
John: Gief bomb!
Jack: Noes!
John: You die now!
Jack: *dies*
Ianto: I is be da hero.
John: I gets me diamond. Not actual bomb!
Torchwood: Noes!
Gwen: We is invincible.
John: And I is actually invincible.
Diamond woman: Haha! No diamond! Actual bomb. Lol the irony.
John: I is blow up this woman too!
Gwen: I will go in rift before blow up Beautiful Cardiff.
Owen: I is be doctor so can understand medicine and make complete bullfish about DNA.
John: Yay, my bomb is gone.
Jack: Oh, look, for no reason that makes any sense we are now back to where John came in. We are now 12 hours behind ourselves for ever, but that's okay.
John: I is go in rift now! Bye! Also, I found Grey!
Jack: Wuh?
Gwen: Who be 'Grey'?
Jack: Shut up.
-END-