Marriage - Torchwood-style

Episode 2.09 'Something Borrowed'
TX date: 12th March 2008

Quick flashback to start: Gwen needs stability and someone she can rely on, so she is getting married to Rhys. Jack is pissy about it.

We are informed that it is Friday night, in a pub. There are some girls in matching red t-shirts and fluffy pink cowboy hats - a hen do, in other words. Except the bride to be is late. Then Gwen shows up, and they sing rude songs about her "taking it up the aisle". She was late, obv, because she was working. The question that's bothering us viewers, meanwhile, is: Where the fuck did Gwen's friends come from? She barely has time to see her husband-to-be, never mind arranging a wedding... WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?

Cut to two hours earlier. Gwen is chasing some kind of people-eating monster. Owen is at the comms station. I thought he wasn't good at that sort of thing. She goes down into some public toilets, and a man is there. She thinks he is just a member of the public but OH NOEZ he is a red-eyed monster. She ineffectually shoots at him, and he runs off. Gwen tells the others that it's a shapeshifter, and is leaving a trail of black blood. Back on the street, he has shapechanged again but Gwen's sharp and recognises him because he's limping, and gives chase.

Cut to hen night. Gwen asks if there will be any food on the menu - but no, mainly booze, apparently. Hooray for Binge-drinking Britain, eh? Then a police-themed male stripper turns up. Is he allowed to do that in public?

Cut to (presumably) slightly less than two hours earlier. Gwen is pointing her gun at nothing very much and gets jumped by the monster.

Cut to the hen night in the bathroom. Gwen has a bandage on her arm. They talk about Rhys's cock.

Cut to earlier. Jack shoots the nasty monster, but not before it bites Gwen's arm.

Cut to hen night. She says she's wearing a fucking BANDAGE on her arm but it is "just a scratch". Yeees.

Alarm. 7.00 am. Saturday morning, in case you didn't realise. Gwen's wedding dress is on the wardrobe. The Super Furry Animals are playing on the stereo, just in case you didn't realise this was Wales. She gets out of bed, only to realise she's got a huge baby bump. Yep, Gwen is up the duff by a nasty alien. Ooops. This is why you shouldn't have your hen night the day before the wedding, ladies. Who knows what might happen? [Seriously, does anyone do that any more? What is this, 1988? - Steve]

Roll credits!

Owen is examining Gwen's bump, because he is a DOCTOR (although he's not wearing his white lab coat). He confirms she is pregnant. She says she can't be. Jack is sarcastic about it, which is perhaps not all that helpful. Gwen: "What with?" That alien last night, says Jack. It passed the egg on in the bite. [Either that, or she just shagged it when no one was looking. I wouldn't put it past her. - Steve] Owen says she's going to be fine. She's carrying an alien egg but she'll be alright because they have "procedures in place". Gwen: "You mean this has happened before?" Jack: "You've heard of immaculate conception, right?" Is he suggesting that the baby Jesus was an alien? Blasphemy. Owen says he's going to take her back to the hub and do some doctory stuff in his white lab coat, and in a couple of days she'll be fine. Gwen points out that she's supposed to be getting married in five hours' time, although personally I'd be like, "Fuck the wedding, get the frackin' alien out of my belly!" Jack and Owen tell her she can't get married but she refuses. Gwen refuses to postpone the wedding because "Rhys has had to put up with enough as it is." Well, maybe you should be nicer to him the rest of the fucking time! Stupid cow. He'll have to put up with those wedding photos forever. Jack tells her she's not thinking straight, and she shouts at him. She says since she's not in any immediate danger, wedding first, alien abortion later.

Rhys's mate's flat. Rhys is asleep on the sofa. The phone rings. It is Gwen, obv. She tells Rhys she needs to see him. He's all like, "Bad luck before the wedding!" but then reality hits and he realises Gwen has ruined this day as well as every other. Poor Rhys.

Torchwood Three. They're talking about Gwen. Jack reckons it will be okay as long as she doesn't go into labour: "Rhys might forgive her for going down the aisle pregnant but not if she gives birth to a razor-toothed monster that eats half his family." I dunno, Rhys is very forgiving. Owen has to do alien autopsy. Tosh is going to the wedding to keep an eye on Gwen. Ianto is in charge of getting Gwen a new, bigger wedding dress. I think I would want Ianto to choose my wedding dress. [But that would mean he couldn't be the groom - is that a sacrifice you're sure you want to make? - Steve] [Nope, not me. I would, however, let Tosh be my bridesmaid, the poor cow. - Carrie]

Gwen's flat. Rhys comes storming in demanding to know whether she's having second thoughts, but Gwen says she isn't and reveals the bump. Rhys is, naturally, taken aback. I like how she could hide it behind her arms. Perhaps that's her plan for the wedding photos. Nobody will ever notice... [Gwen clearly doesn't watch enough TV. Carry a big basket of laundry, stand behind the breakfast bar, have your head removed from your body for a whole episode...the possibilities are endless! - Steve]

A wedding dress shop. Ianto looks like he's eyeing up the dresses for himself. He tells the shop assistant that he's looking for a friend, and the man replies, "You'd be surprised, we're quite used to men buying for their friends." Ianto looks a bit dejected. Still, I wouldn't be surprised if he and Captain Jack decide to keep the dress when Gwen's done with it... just in case. [But Jack Does Not Love Ianto. Poor Ianto. He deserves so much better. - Carrie]

Gwen's flat. Rhys: "Bastard Torchwood!" Quite. "You're pregnant!" Gwen doesn't know what to say. Rhys shouts at her a bit, but then apologises because he is lovely. He is annoyed at Captain Jack, mainly because he doesn't like him, understandably, but also because he sent her out fighting aliens the day before the wedding. Gwen is all like "It's my job!" I wonder how much they get paid. It'd have to be pretty good, right? [On the basis that both Tosh and Owen appear to live in flats the size of gladiatorial arenas, I'm going to say yes. - Steve] Rhys demands gruffly whether Gwen is going to be alright, and she says Owen has "this big machine thing". Rhys: "Good!" Hee. Rhys sensibly starts planning to postpone the wedding, but Gwen refuses. Rhys tells her to forget the money, "I want you where they can look after you." Awww, he is so sweet! He says getting married doesn't matter that much, and Gwen shrieks, "It matters to me!" I think it's the first time this series that Gwen has actually been vaguely likeable. [Confession: I really liked Gwen in this episode. I think it helped that they played most of it for laughs, because Eve Myles really is very good with comedy. - Steve]

Torchwood Three. Owen is preparing to chop up the nasty alien. Tosh comes down to "talk to him" or something, but clearly is just trying to titillate him in her wedding get-up. He says she looks "Drop dead gorgeous", aaah, and she asks what he's wearing. He says he wasn't going to go, and she says it'll be fun. Owen: "Have you ever seen a dead man dance?" Tosh: "I've seen Fred Astaire in Easter Parade. Twice." Owen: "God you need a date... which this isn't, is it?" Tosh lies through her teeth and says it isn't - she just wants him to come. To the wedding. He agrees, soft touch Owen. Tosh looks pleased.

Gwen's parents have arrived, and are somewhat shocked. She tells them that she and Rhys wanted it to be a surprise - and she can get away with it because she hasn't been to visit them for ages, the heartless cow, because she has been so busy at work. I'm surprised anyone can be chuffed to turn up for her wedding, frankly. When did she find the time to organise it? Her parents seem to disapprove of her Torchwood job, as well they might. Anyway, after scolding her for not visiting and not phoning, her parents look really pleased. What are they going to think when they don't have a lickle baby? Poor parents. Heartless Gwen.

Aerial shot of Cardiff! Drink!

A Country House Hotel type place. Gwen and her parents arrive, and then Rhys's parents turn up. Their mums clearly hate each other, but fortunately Gwen has managed to hoof it while they're being snarky about each other's outfits so that Rhys's parents don't see - although they're bloody going to eventually, aren't they? Her parents are left to break the news.

Rhys is already in their room, and Gwen tells him that they "haven't thought this through". No shit! Oh, she is actually concerned about having to tell their parents that she's lost the baby. I guess she's not that heartless after all. Do you see what I mean about Gwen being likeable in this episode? Rhys suggests that she tells the truth - yeah, right - because "The lies don't work." Gwen points out that the truth in this case is hardly better. Then Jack phones to check up on her and says Tosh is coming to keep an eye on her. Gwen says she doesn't need a babysitter - which we all know isn't true, even when she isn't carrying an alien foetus - and then Rhys manfully grabs the phone and tells Captain Jack where to stick his help and hangs up on him when he is saying congratulations. Hee! I love Rhys. Gwen says it's not his fault, but most things can be blamed on Captain Jack, I feel.

Back at the hotel, Gwen's friends are arriving. "This place is nice, isn't it?" "Class on toast." Are they doing some kind of class commentary? Rhys's mates are twats. Also one of them is called Banana. That's not a name. Tosh arrives with a big box, and Banana tries to chat her up, but she tells him bananas make her vomit. He doesn't look like he understands.

Never mind, though, because in the bar there's a woman who doesn't seem to mind being flirted with - danger! She tells Rhys's mate Mervyn that she "likes to put on a show". I don't think she means quite what they think she means.

Back in Gwen's room, Tosh has brought Gwen the new expanded wedding dress. Tosh tells her that "Jack sent me over with this", and Gwen coos over how beautiful it is - but poor Ianto gets none of the kudos. He chose it! Tosh tells Gwen that she thinks it's nice that Gwen's "getting married whatever", even though she must realise it's all going to go horribly wrong at some point. Tosh is mainly jealous that she doesn't have someone to marry. Gwen: "There's always Owen." Tosh remarks that "Till death do us part" might sound like a bad joke, ignoring the fact that she's been doing, let's face it, a terrible job of seducing Owen. Tosh wishes Gwen good luck and leaves.

Back at Torchwood Three, Jack approves of the dress that Ianto chose (a bit late now!) and Ianto says he "estimated Gwen's size from the hub security laser scans". What, they keep vials of blood of all the employees, yet their dress sizes aren't on the database? Ianto reveals that his dad was a "master tailor" who could "size a man's inside leg measurement by his stride across the shop threshold". Like father, like son, yuk yuk. Jack and Ianto were just going to flirt a bit [horribly, I might add - Steve], when Owen comes striding across the threshold, as it were.

Down in the autopsy room, Owen has found the proteus gland - a shapeshifting organ of a nostrovite? No, me neither. It means trouble though, apparently.

In the bar, the she-monster is still flirting with Mervyn, despite the fact that he pricks her when trying to pin on a corsage. She asks him if he feels like "getting a bite", haw haw. Danger! Tosh comes to the bar for another spritzer and sees black blood on the woman's napkin - hopefully enough to set alarm bells ringing. [Though she was in earshot when the shapeshifter made the non-subtle bite comment and didn't pick up on it. Tosh has the idiot ball this week. - Steve]

Gwen's bridesmaids turn up to discover she's pregnant, and are suitably confused.

The she-monster is getting ready to make her move, and Tosh is desperately trying to work out which room she's in. Where is that Bluetooth earpiece when you need it? It would be helpful if she could let the rest of Team Torchwood in on the secret, don't you think? Banana turns up as well, and Tosh tells him not to call her "baby". Banana: "What shall I call you then? 'Beautiful'?" Tosh slams him up against the wall, hee! They are disturbed by Mervyn's screaming as the she-monster tucks into his innards. Tosh bursts into the room, gun poised, but is distracted by Banana blundering in and the she-monster knocks her out. She tells Banana he's lucky she's watching her figure (although, if you're a shape-shifter... duh) but she's going to keep him for tea.

Goody, back at the Hub and Captain Jack's going to tell us what's going on: "A nostrovite is a shape-shifting carnivore with a taste for human flesh." Good-oh. "It's intelligent and sneaky..." Owen says that nostrovites mate for life, and they always come in pairs. The male carries the fertilised egg in a sack in his mouth and passes it on to the host with a bite. Nostrovite childbirth is when the mother rips open the host. Quick, save Gwen!

In the hotel, Gwen passes the she-monster on the stairs, but doesn't attack her immediately.

Only now has Captain Jack worked out that Tosh isn't responding, so something bad must have happened. Jack asks Owen if he's ready for this: "You know what a nostrovite can do. You think you've got it covered 100 metres away and it's already chewing on your liver." Owen: "I don't need my liver." Wait, so is there some kind of get-out clause, "Sorry, I don't fancy taking on this episode's monster, I guess I'll just hang out at the Hub and order pizza"? Owen says that Team Torchwood needs him and his singularity scalpel. Captain Jack and Ianto are like, "What do you think you're doing with that, boyo?" and Owen reminds them that he saved Martha with it - besides, he's been working on it and he thinks he's got it sussed. Ianto agrees with Owen, and when Jack gets jealous he says he was "brought up never to speak ill of the dead, even if they still do most of the talking for themselves". They set off in the Obviousmobile.

At the hotel, Gwen's bridemaids (an aside: love their dresses) are still pondering the fact that "no way did she look pregnant last night". They don't seem concerned about the amount of alcohol she apparently consumed while heavily pregnant, however.

Upstairs, Gwen's mum is helping her dress. Her hair looks pretty. Her mum is lovely and supportive. Despite the nice dress that Ianto picked out, Gwen seems to be having second thoughts. Her mum leaves, then her dad comes out of the bathroom to discover her crying. Stop, Gwen! You'll mess up your make-up. Gwen 'fesses up to her dad that, "This baby isn't Rhys's." I think she's going to have to explain a bit better than that.

Rhys's dad can't find Banana, and tells Rhys that his mum says the wedding is "turning into a nightmare". She has no idea. He asks if Rhys is sure it's his, and he valiantly defends Gwen's honour. Actually he doesn't answer the question, he just says how much he loves her. She so doesn't deserve him.

Tosh comes to, trapped in some kind of web of black stuff way to cosily with Banana. They're well and truly stuck. Tosh: "Can you at least move your hand?" Banana's face brightens. "Away," she hastily adds, looking exasperated.

Gwen's dad is trying to be helpful, but she ruins everything by trying to explain to him about Cardiff being on a rift in space/time and how she works for Torchwood and hunts down aliens. Amazingly, he doesn't go, "Oh, Torchwood! You should have said..." Anyway, as though that wasn't enough, she then goes on to explain that an alien bit her last night and it's not Rhys's baby, it's an alien.

Downstairs, Gwen's dad confirms what we all suspected - he doesn't believe her nonsense story about aliens and rifts for a second, it's just the stress of the wedding. Rhys's mum complains about Gwen being late and how she wasn't late for her wedding, and Gwen's mum retorts, "No, Barry might have got away." Ha.

Banana has worked out that the she-monster will kill them if she comes back, and Tosh tells him not to worry because she's got friends who'll find them. He's not convinced, and starts yelling for help. Tosh tells him to shut up in case he attracts the she-monster's attention. It doesn't stop him, so Tosh has to find another way to shut him up. I think "Ow, that really hurt" is probably a bit of an understatement to having your balls crushed though, from what men would have us believe.

The Wedding. The she-monster is at the back. Why hasn't anyone realised she's not a guest? Oh goodness, can't you see what's coming? The guests are seated and the ceremony begins.

In the Obviousmobile, Jack is all, "Are we nearly there yet?" Jack says that what he doesn't get about marriage is "why come all the way out into the middle of nowhere, where no one can find you, to do it? That to me suggests inner conflict." [Shut up, Jack. - Steve] Maybe Gwen wanted to be as far as possible from Torchwood? Ianto tells him glibly that "It's because the happy couple want everything to be perfect." Owen points out that being knocked up by an alien isn't that perfect.

The Wedding. The registrar asks if there is anyone who knows of any reason why these two shouldn't marry, and Captain Jack predictably bursts in yelling, "STOOOOOP!" He's such a drama queen. Rhys's mum immediately jumps to the conclusion that it's Jack's baby. Gwen is pissed off. I would be too. I mean, they've practically got to the important part of the wedding - couldn't he just hover in the back and watch out for suspicious activity? Rhys is angry, but Jack tells them he is trying to save their lives.

Meanwhile, Ianto and Owen are tracking down Tosh and rescuing her.

Captain Jack has got Gwen and Rhys back to their room and explains the whole alien-baby-midwife-from-hell thing. Rhys shuts the door (sensible) and asks if Jack thinks she's near. Jack snaps at him, "She's a shapeshifter, Rhys. She could be out there making small talk with your mum and dad." No need to shout. Poor Rhys.

The bridesmaids are going crazy for a handsome stranger (well, Captain Jack) sweeping up the aisle and stopping Gwen's wedding. The she-monster is still lurking outside.

Gwen reiterates to Captain Jack that they're not stopping the wedding. Yeah, they could have had it bloody done by now, FFS. Jack tells her there isn't a choice. Gwen finally recognises that ever since she joined Torchwood, Rhys has had to put up with crap, but he's stood by her: "Who else would marry me knowing I'm carrying some sort of monster inside me?" (Gwen always has a mosnter inside her. It's called her damn personality.-Joel)Rhys is just pointing out that it's his wedding too, when a scream comes from another room.

The bridesmaid has found the remains of Mervyn. You'd think Ianto and Owen would have locked the room up or something. Jack sends Ianto after the girl to contain the situation. Tosh only now pipes up to say that she's seen the shapeshifter - a woman in black.

The guests all seem to be gathering again for the wedding - I would have stayed in the bar until further notice. Rhys's mum observes that, "The problem seems to be an American with no sense of timing or fashion." That's what Ianto is for. Not, as it would seem, for containing situations, because he spectacularly failed to stop the bridesmaid from telling everyone what she saw. Jack tells Ianto to jam the phone lines from the Obviousmobile to stop anyone calling the police. But since Torchwood are above the police, couldn't Ianto just phone them and tell them if they get any emergency calls about flesh-eating aliens, Torchwood are already dealing with it, so not to worry? Jack tells Gwen that Owen needs to operate, and Rhys and Jack shout at each other for no reason. Gwen tells Rhys that Jack knows what he's doing. Ha! Jack and Tosh go... somewhere.

Oh, they have gone down to the wedding, presumably to take control of the situation. The guests are all like, "Who are you ordering us around?" and Jack says they're Torchwood. Gwen's dad realises she wasn't just mental. Tosh spots the she-monster, and she and Jack fire indiscriminately in a room crowded with people but don't seem to have hit the she-monster, who escapes through the window.

Jack and Tosh do some running and gun-pointing, but the she-monster got away.

Back upstairs, Gwen is unimpressed with Owen's singularity scalpel idea. Someone knocks on the door. It's Rhys's mother. She tells them there's a monster and that "that American and the Japanese girl" went after it. Owen tells them to stay there and leaves. Not sure why. What if Rhys's mum is the shapeshifter? Best to stay there just in case. And if she's not the shapeshifter, surely they're not in any immediate danger and should get on with the whole alien abortion thing?

Owen and Jack talk on their Bluetooth headsets, and realise that Rhys's mum is in two places at once. Oops.

Gwen is just explaining to Rhys's mum about the baby being an alien, when Team Torchwood barge in, Jack telling "Get back, you ugly bitch!" Rhys is offended on behalf of his mum. Jack says it's the alien. The lady protests that she's not the alien. Jack: "Yeah, and the Lone Ranger didn't have a thing with Tonto." I think that offended her even more. Gwen points out that unless the shapeshifters copy smells, it's definitely Rhys's mum - she can tell by the overpowering perfume. Rhys socks Jack in the face - YAYZ! [Best episode ever! - Steve] [GO TEAM RHYS! - Carrie] (AGAIN!-Joel) "That's for calling my mum an ugly bitch!" And much else besides, I'm sure. Tosh points out that the actual she-monster is outside, so they all scurry off.

The she-monster is talking to Gwen's mum, and takes her hostage when she realises her disguise has been rumbled. Gwen is supposedly sacrificing herself to save her mum, but as soon as Gwen's mum is out of the way, Gwen shoots the alien using a gun stealthily concealed in her bouquet. The she-monster slinks off. Owen: "That's the kind of daughter any mother must dream of - cool as ice and packing an automatic."

Owen and Rhys take Gwen back upstairs to do their singularity scalpel thing. Owen has a quick chat to Rhys and explains that he's got one hand injured, and it would be better for someone with the use of both hands to do it. Hang on, if Owen's hand is injured, doesn't that mean it's going to be injured now forever because he is DEAD and his body isn't healing anymore? Just asking, like. (Indeed. And so much for Owen being a fragile corpse who can only make the coffee and must never ever ever go on field missions.-Joel

While Owen's explaining to Rhys how the singularity scalpel works, Jack pops in to see Gwen. Danger! If she wasn't pregnant with an alien on her wedding day and therefore somewhat preoccupied, I'd be quite annoyed with Gwen for not twigging the whole shapeshifter thing. "Captain Jack" comes up behind her and sweet-talks her. Gwen: "I didn't expect to meet someone like you. If I hadn't I'd be married by now." Jack: "You're not the only one who met somebody who knocked their world out of kilter." Sorry, but I'm still not buying the whole Gwen-and-Jack-are-secretly-in-love thing. [I noted that the sneaky promo people edited the trail for this episode so that it looked like Gwen was saying the line "I just want to marry you!" to Jack, whereas in the actual episode, she was saying it to Rhys. What was that about, eh? - Steve] (Hate. So much. Rhys is lovely. Ianto is lovely. They don't deserve being treated like this. HATE. THIS. PLOT.-Joel)Gwen says that Rhys has always been there for her, even as Captain Jack is moving in for the kiss. Stupid bitch. Of course, then it turns out to not be Captain Jack but the shapeshifter, begging the question - how would she know the intimate details of Jack and Gwen's relationship? I think the Jack-monster acting is some of Barrowman's best this series though. Rhys and Owen burst in, and Rhys whisks Gwen away while Owen shoots the Jack-monster. That must be satisfying, right?

Gwen and Rhys flee over the lawn. Gwen seems to have done a lot of rushing about for a heavily pregnant woman.

Having emptied his clip into the Jack-monster, Owen approaches the bed to see if it's dead. It's not. It considers attacking Owen - he encourages it, but it decides there are more pressing matters to attend to.

Outside, Gwen doesn't look in good shape and Rhys asks if she's alright. She replies that she's "running around in a wedding dress with what looks like a keg of lager stuck up my skirt - what do you think, Rhys?" Jeez, he was only being CONCERNED FOR YOUR WELLBEING, you cow. (What were you saying about Gwen not being a toxic wretch this episode?-Joel)

The rest of Team Torchwood return to find Owen alone in the bedroom. Jack asks him what happened and he says that, "It thought I'd gone off." Owen points out that they've shot the she-monster quite a lot now and it's still going - some motherly instinct making it unstoppable, apparently. I hope they brought a Big Fucking Gun.

Of course they did. I imagine Ianto packed it in the boot of the Obviousmobile just in case of such a crisis. He thinks of everything. Oh, insert your own Captain-Jack-large-weapon-related pun here, if you insist.

Gwen and Rhys are hiding in a barn. Rhys blocks the door while Gwen rolls in the hay. The she-monster works on battering down the door and Rhys gets out the singularity scalpel, telling Gwen that Owen showed him how to use it. [Eve Myles's reaction face here is first class, by the way. - Steve] First try, he explodes something behind Gwen. Oops. After a quick recalibration, the second try seems to work more effectively, and Gwen is even alright. Just in time, because the she-monster (having changed, for no real reason, back into Rhys's mum - perhaps the Captain Jack botox was hampering her shapechanging?) breaks in, demanding her baby. Rhys tells her that it's too late, and starts up an old chainsaw that happens to be sitting in the corner of the barn. Doom, anyone? No? Rhys is angry, hee! Just as he's about to carve up his-mum-monster, the chainsaw fails. Rhys: "Fuck!" Hee. Bet they had to cut that from the 7pm repeat. She-monster: "You're a bad boy. And you know what bad boys get?" Unfortunately we never hear the answer because her head explodes. Yep, it's Captain Jack with his rocket launcher. Jack:"How's that for a shapeshift?" Worst. One-liner. Ever. [It didn't even make any sense, although I'd wager that it might have been surpassed by Jack's "O RLY?" from 'Countrycide' as the most ill-advised one-liner they've ever trotted out. - Steve] Jack tells Rhys he looks good splattered in blood and then picks Gwen up in an overly familiar way. It's okay though, he's just delivering her to Rhys because, "The hero always gets the girl."

The Wedding, Take 2. Team Torchwood have been allowed seats right at the front. I'd have made them sit at the back. [I wouldn't have bloody let Jack in the room. - Carrie] Finally, though, they've managed to get married. I wish Gwen would stop glancing meaningfully at Jack though.

Wedding Reception. Paul Weller is playing. [It so should've been 'The Changingman'. - Steve] Owen asks Tosh to dance. Aww. Captain Jack cuts in on Rhys and Gwen's dance. Rhys goes to get a beer. Jack tells Gwen to enjoy the honeymoon. Gwen: "What will you do when I'm gone?" Jack: "The usual - pizza, Ianto, save the world a couple of times." Poor Ianto. I wish he would get a new cybergirlfriend or something. It would serve Captain Jack right. Jack says that Rhys is "a lucky man - a perfect husband. He's loyal, brave, he's got a hell of a swing on him - and best of all he really loves you." Ianto cuts in, with a bit of trouble. Tch, what will Gwen and Rhys's relatives think? It's not exactly a wartime dance though, I suppose.

Later. The wedding guests are all falling asleep. Rhys: "You'd never have thought that a couple of hours they nearly got torn apart by an alien psycho-bitch." Gwen realises that something's not quite right - yes, Jack's mindraped the wedding party. Gwen: "You retconned our families?" Jack pulls a naughty boy face. Gwen admits that it's probably for the best. Doesn't this mean that nobody will remember that they even got married? I'm sure last time they mentioned retcon, it was implied that it would make you forget what you'd been doing for the last couple of months. Jack suggests that the happy couple might want to take some too, but Gwen says there will be "no secrets in this marriage". They leave for the honeymoon. Team Torchwood set about the mop-up operation, and Jack tells them to do a good job because it's Gwen's wedding. Ianto: "That's what I love about Torchwood - by day, chasing the scum of the universe, come the night you're a wedding fairy."

Aerial shot of Cardiff! Drink!

Jack returns to Torchwood Three alone, and blows some confetti into the air. Tch, Ianto's going to have to clean that up in the morning. Jack gets a wooden box out of his desk. Qu'est-ce que c'est? Ah, old photos. OMGZ! Captain Jack in a wedding photo! Who'd have thought? Well, he does get around a bit.

Next week on Torchwood: some freakshow people escape from an old film to terrorise Cardiff. Whoop! Don't miss it.