The big bang theories

3.02 - Day Two
TX: Tuesday 7th July 2009

Previously: all the children in the world were coming simultaneously. Oh, and one man too, who told Gwen she was pregnant. Gwen then told Jack before she told Rhys. Worrabitch. We learned about the 4-5-6. Ianto came out to his sister Rhiannon in an "I'm only gay for Jack" way, Malcolm Tucker had some dodgy conversations in the Home Office, a temp called Lois discovered a plot to kill Jack (hooray!) and Jack was da bomb. Literally. Torchwood go boom!

Massive Steaming Crater Where Torchwood Three Used To Be. Gwen scrambles to her feet in a state of panic and temporary deafness (as opposed to temporary deadness, which is what Jack generally has) and trips frenziedly across the rubble looking for the others, but is dragged screaming from the site by two paramedics, who thrust her reluctant ass into an ambulance. One of the paramedics notes that "control said no survivors" (you mean apart from the feral one lying right in front of you?) and as one of them holds Gwen down while the other fills a syringe with what I hope is a sedative powerful enough to knock her out for the next four nights, Gwen bites the former's arm and then punches him in the nads. Those must be those impressive people skills of hers. She then batters both of them with a fire extinguisher and steals guns from both of them (since this is Beautiful Cardiff and not Grimy London, I think this means they're not real paramedics) and prepares to exit.

Not so fast, however, because a distant sniper sitting on top of what I presume is the Millennium Centre (it's dark and kind of hard to tell) [those BASTARDS, preventing us from seeing the BEAUTY OF CARDIFF properly - Carrie] lines Gwen up in his sights, the red laser shining right into her eye. Action Gwen leaps out of the ambulance before he can pull the trigger, firing a couple of retaliation shots in his general direction. Having done that, she hotfoots it into the front of the ambulance and puts her foot down, discarding one of the paramedics onto the streets of Beautiful Cardiff in the process.

Ianto is crawling his way out of the wreckage (suit still looking immaculate, if a little dust-covered) and barely has time to catch his breath before the sniper starts firing at him as well, missing by quite some distance each time. Seriously: worst sniper ever. Ianto runs. Run, Ianto, run! Elsewhere: Gwen keeps driving. The Worst Sniper In The World abandons his post and starts chasing Ianto. Ianto runs in a sort of school sports day fashion, which is rather at odds with the fact that there's a man behind him trying to kill him off. But then perhaps Ianto has realised that this chap appears to be drunk on the job and doesn't really feel that threatened. Who knows? Eventually, Ianto finds a corner and dives for cover.

Malcolm Tucker's house. His wife brings the kids some tea. The phone rings. "I've got to take this," apologises Malcolm. "After what just happened?" says The Wife, incredulously. "Because of it," replies Malcolm. He takes the call: it's Pat Kerrigan, informing him that "Target 1" has been eliminated, while "Targets 2 and 3" have escaped, but they're in pursuit. Malcolm Tucker stresses that they can't afford to leave witnesses, and exhorts Pat Kerrigan to call him when Ian2 and Gw3n have been taken care of. As he hangs up, there's a knock at the door. It's Dekker. The Wife is escorting The Kids up to bed, and marks their caller with suspicion. Dekker tells Malcolm that he's brought "the translations".

Malcolm Tucker's kitchen. Apparently the aliens want the earthlings to build something for them, pronto. Malcolm Tucker asks why they would do such a thing. Dekker channels his inner Billie Piper and answers "because they want to (scare us)".

Some distance away, Gwen brings the ambulance to a screeching halt and grabs the guns out of the passenger seat. In the back, the remaining 'paramedic' fumbles for the syringe he filled earlier and hides it about his person. Gwen lurches into view and asks him who he works for. Judging by the fact that he carries a gun and appears to be answering to Pat Kerrigan, I'm guessing the answer isn't "Cardiff PCT". Gwen puts a gun to his head and repeats her question. "The NHS?" answers the 'paramedic'. Gwen's not fooled: she fires just to the right of his head and screams her question at him once more. The 'paramedic' says that he works for the government and is "just following orders". [Ceased being a valid defence circa 1946 - Carrie] Gwen's momentarily confused that they're on the same side, and he takes this opportunity to attempt to plunge the syringe into her arm, but Supergwen is too quick for him, of course, and blocks his attempt while shooting him in the foot. "Why would the government want to destroy Torchwood?" shrieks Gwen. Because you're a bunch of bumbling oversexed morons who've come close to destroying the world on several occasions as a result of your incompetence? Just a theory. Sadly, we're not getting any answers because this chap's "just following orders". As sirens ring in the distance, Gwen legs it.

Massive Steaming Crater Where Torchwood Three Used To Be. Pat Kerrigan is stomping around like she owns the place - which for all I know, she does. Poor PC Andy is forced to crack an appalling joke that's entirely beneath him: "If she's anti-terrorist, I would not mind being Uncle Terrorist." Oh, PC Andy. I hope you got a decent price when you SOLD YOUR SOUL TO THIS SHOW. Pat Kerrigan instructs a couple of heavily armoured extras to track down and capture Gwen and Ianto. PC Andy's ears prick up at the mention of Gwen's name, and he tells Pat Kerrigan that she's an ex-police officer, not a terrorist. Pat Kerrigan snorts in derision, but realises that Andy must know where Gwen lives. (Really? I can probably count on one hand the number of work colleagues I've ever had whose addresses I knew. Is that wrong?)

Casa Fertility. Rhys is asleep with a book perched on top of his chest, waking with a start when Gwen bursts in. "Get up, get dressed, we've got to get out of here!" she insists. Rhys, predictably, wants to know what's going on. Gwen tells him that someone's trying to kill her, "and if they're after me, they're going to come after you." I don't see why: I've had murderous thoughts about Gwen Cooper on many occasions, but they've never extended towards Rhys. Anyway, Rhys gets up. Gwen yells at him to go faster. [There's a joke to be made about the conception of their child but I can't think of it. - Carrie]

Police van. PC Andy is giving them directions to Gwen's house, and wondering why there's not been any kind of briefing or risk assessment.

Casa Fertility. Gwen howls at Rhys to tell her where the car keys are - he replies that they're on top of the fridge, which Gwen has already established is not the case, causing Gwen to gripe that if they left them in the same place all the time, they wouldn't have this problem. Of course, if you didn't do shady work for top secret government organisations just because you think you're it, you also wouldn't have this slightly more pressing other problem, you horrible woman. Rhys appears with a mobile phone and a book and says it's his packing; Gwen snorts that he won't have time to read and his phone can be traced. Rhys points out he hasn't gone into hiding before.

Ianto goes into a phonebox, while PC Andy presses the heavily armoured extras for more details regarding their origins. Oh, PC Andy. They don't have their equity cards, you'll find no answers here. He seeks reassurance that they're not going in all guns blazing; Pat Kerrigan and the extras charge their cartridges in response. Hee.

Casa Fertility. The phone rings, and Rhys idiotically runs to answer it, prompting an apoplectic fit from Gwen. It's Ianto, of course, asking if they've heard from Jack. Gwen hasn't, of course, but Ianto theorises that he lived: "he usually does". They swap bits of exposition relating to the mysterious government 'paramedic' and how Rupesh planted the explosives inside Jack. Rhys finds the car keys and Gwen tells him to get out and start the car. She arranges to meet Ianto in a Welsh place I'm sure I can't spell. Then Gwen asks him if he remembers the last time they had ice cream together, and Ianto can't, because ice cream gives him a headache. Presumably this will be relevant later.

Gwen runs into the street just as Pat Kerrigan's police truck comes around the corner; Gwen fires a few shots at the armoured vehicle and then jumps into the passenger seat while Rhys drives away. "Now do you believe she's a terrorist?" snips Pat Kerrigan. The armoured car attempts to give chase, but it has four flat tyres. So Gwen can get four perfect shots in, but a professional sniper can't hit a man who runs like he's wearing concrete shoes? This fucking show, sometimes.

Some distance away, Rhys stops the car. Gwen insists that they ditch it so they can't be traced, while Rhys cries that it's a brand new car. Torchwood obviously offers a very competitive salary. Rhys asks if they shouldn't give themselves up and tell someone what's happened, but Gwen replies that she's not doing that until she knows what's going on. Rhys says she should at least let him carry the bag so she's got her trigger finger free. That's sweet, in a sick sort of way. Gwen seems to think so, anyway.

Ianto's sister's house. The special ops break in, scaring the shit out of Rhiannon and the kids. They burst into the master bedroom, where Ianto's flabby brother-in-law informs them they certainly will not find Ianto in his bed. [Because Ianto's brother-in-law LIKES GIRLS. - Carrie] Ianto is, in fact, walking the streets, being followed by someone in a VW van. Ianto looks momentarily terrified until he realises they're delivering newspapers. He waits for them to pass and grabs an early edition. The headline reads: "Message to the world: 'we are coming'."

Malcolm Tucker's house. He tells his daughters to keep their phones on so he can speak to them if he needs to. The Wife has had enough of being kept in the dark - she's put up with him hiding behind the Official Secrets Act before, but has no truck with that when it affects her kids in her house. Malcolm assures her it's over, but she's having none of it. Malcolm goes to leave for work, but the kids call him back, chanting in unison: "we want a pony". Heh.

Grubby Street, somewhere. Clem is walking. He picks up a different paper to the one Ianto was reading, though the front page is much to the same effect. Jack's daughter from yesterday (whose name is Alice, according to the website) is watching TV with her son, a news report about the explosion. The kid recognises Cardiff as "where Uncle Jack lives", though she assures him that it's a big place. She stops short, however, of giving the full mandated broadcast from the Cardiff Tourist Board. Wow, this must be serious.

Home Office. Lois arrives for work, and sees the reports of the explosion. Looking a bit shifty, she logs on to the info network using the purloined password and logs back onto NotWikipedia to find out more about Torchwood. Seeing the location of the bomb on the news, and the location of Torchwood Three on the computer, she quickly makes the connection. She clicks back to the order to kill Jack.

Malcolm Tucker is having a conversation with the prime minister, explaining how Jack's immortality is thought to be connected to the Torchwood Hub, which is why they blew it up. They're waiting to see if it worked. The topic turns to the building plans they got from the 5-6-7-8, which neither of them can understand, and Malcolm says that work has begun. A work in progress will be ready by 1600 hours, apparently. Malcolm asks if 5-6-7-8 contacted any other country. Apparently, it did not. Malcolm wonders how long it can be kept secret - since the children were saying "we are coming back", when were the visitors here before? Malcolm expresses his gratitude to the PM for trusting him with the responsibility. Au contraire: the PM tells him he's just been put on the front line, where he'll be the first to fall. Ouch.

Massive Steaming Crater Where Torchwood Three Used To Be. Pat Kerrigan is sneering down into it. The firemen investigating the wreckage find an arm, but no body attached to it, apparently. Alice dials Jack's number, but obviously there's no reply. She leaves a message, asking him to call her.

Home Office. Bridget and Lois are getting ready to leave. Pat Kerrigan calls Malcolm Tucker to tell him they've found "an arm, a shoulder, and the remains of a head - it's almost a waste of a bodybag." He asks if it's Captain Jack Harkness; she presumes so. Hey, where's Myfanwy in all of this? Why is no one looking for her? [You'd think they'd notice a fucking great pterodactyl flying round Cardiff. - Carrie] Lois is blatantly eavesdropping and asks if this is the same Captain Jack Harkness who called yesterday, since he said he could help. "Not now he can't," replies Malcolm. Lois insists that Jack said his team were the experts in this field. "He always was an arrogant sod," sniffs Bridget. Yay Bridget! Malcolm informs Lois that the bomb in Cardiff blew Jack to pieces. Lois wonders if the people behind the bomb are also behind the children stopping; Bridget snaps at her to mind her place.

In Jack's absence, Ianto is now standing on rooftops, spying on Pat Kerrigan and the teeny bodybag. (Not the same Bodybag she was in prison with, obviously.) He notes down the address of the van driving off with Jack's supposed remains in it.

Rhiannon's house. Johnny is repairing the front door. Some surveillance types photograph him getting a paper from the paperboy. As he walks inside and opens the paper, an envelope falls out. Young David remarks, "It'll be from Uncle Ianto," then adds conspiratorially, "Sssh. We're probably bugged." Heh: cute. John complains loudly about the intrusion and broadcasts to the neighbourhood that the terror caused David to wet the bed; meanwhile, Rhiannon reads Ianto's note, which says "where dad broke my leg, at noon. Bring laptop." What, too busy to write "please"? Even "pls" would've done at a pinch. Rhiannon wonders why things were so bad Ianto couldn't come in person, and a surprisingly empathetic Johnny tells her they're the only family Ianto has.

Pat Kerrigan's HQ. Heavily armoured extras drag the body remains into a cell. Cut to Alice, trying to call Jack again, still getting no reply. Elsewhere, Rhys is taking money out from a cashpoint, but a surveillance team is tracking them via satellite and CCTV. Rhys realises that they've frozen his account as well as Gwen's, and asks her what they're going to do now. Gwen's answer is that they must go to London, which exasperates Rhys: "everything's dearer in London!" Gwen theorises that whoever wants them dead will also be in London, because that's where all the decisions are made. O-kay, then. ["The people who want to kill us are in That London! LET'S GO THERE!" Srsly. - Carrie]

Not At All Beautiful London. Malcolm, Bridget and Lois are on their way to a meeting. This apparently is just here to prove Gwen's point.

Pat Kerrigan's HQ. There's no change in Jack's condition, but there have been queries about whether it's okay now to release Rupesh's body to his family. Pat Kerrigan hones in on the screen monitoring Jack, and we zoom in. It appears to be inflating. Oh dear God, he's regenerating. Pat Kerrigan and the one accomplice who gets to speak go to check it out; when they open the bodybag, it's a gruesome skeleton covered in blood and guts. "It was a bag of bits when we came in," states Pat Kerrigan unnecessarily. She demands her minion cuff it to the wall, a job he doesn't look too pleased about. She rings Malcolm Tucker to tell him the not-so-good news. "If he can survive that, what can't he survive?" she wonders. A week where he's not allowed to get his cock out? It's worth a shot. Malcolm Tucker asks if they've found Ianto or Gwen yet - Pat Kerrigan replies that there's no sign of Ianto yet, but they've spotted Gwen. Malcolm informs her that they have to be out of action by tonight. Malcolm and Bridget go to inspect the 5-6-7-8 construction, but poor Lois has to wait outside. So why did they bring her? Isn't she supposed to be doing data entry?

Rhys is breaking into the back of someone else's lorry, and mocking the owner's pitiful security system into the bargain. They hop on board, though their hopes of finding sustenance are foiled when the cargo turns out to be raw spuds. The driver returns, finds the gap where they crept in, but does nothing more than poking his head through before satisfying himself that he doesn't have any stowaways, Rhys and Gwen having crawled out of sight by this point. He reattaches the clasp, and they're off. London, ho!

Rough estate. Johnny and a bunch of local hoodlums go up to the surveillance car to ask them what gives. When the surveillance guys decline to answer, Johnny baits the others into denouncing them as perverts and attacking the car - which is really all a ruse to allow Rhiannon to drive off unnoticed. Slick!

Pat Kerrigan's HQ. They're watching Jack regenerate. It looks painful. Almost as painful as watching Barrowman try to act it.

Gwen and Rhys are still on their way to Non-Beautiful London, and Gwen mentions in a loaded sort of fashion that she's feeling queasy. "Travelsick, is it?" asks Rhys. Gwen points out that she's never been the travelsick sort. Rhys remains oblivious, so Gwen drops some anvil-like hints until he cottons on that she's up the duff. [Three weeks, though. Morning sickness doesn't normally kick in till month two. Please don't ask me how I know this. - Carrie] Rhys is jubilant, until he realises all the deeply physical activities Gwen has been doing in her fragile state. Gwen insists that this changes nothing, that they're still up shit creek and minus a paddle. "But now there's three of us in the boat," corrects Rhys.

Rhiannon's waiting in the playground with the laptop as Ianto arrives behind her. She assures him that she wasn't followed. "You cracked my code, then," he reasons. Well, it wasn't that hard, you ninny. Rhiannon insists that their dad didn't break his leg on purpose. "He pushed me too hard. He always did," woobies Ianto. He tells Rhiannon that he and his colleagues were the targets of the bomb, that Gwen is alive but uncontactable, and Jack is missing, presumed overacting. Rhiannon prods him to ask if this Jack is the one he was seen having a gay public meal with. And then the children stop. Dun dun dun!

Lorry. Rhys likes Edward for a boy's name, after the King. Lulz. [I have literally only just got that gag. - Carrie] They come to a stop, because there are static children in the road. They begin chanting "we are coming - TOMORROW". Clem is also chanting this in a pub. Bridget breaks the news to Malcolm Tucker, who starts perspiring. Ianto deduces that the children stopping has something to do with the reason they were bombed, as that's what they were working on when it happened. Back in the pub, a barmaid is repeating to Clem what he was just saying, and Clem is greatly distressed. They are coming tomorrow, and he can smell them, apparently. Unsurprisingly, the people in the street think he's a mental.

In the playground, Ianto runs up to a little girl to ask her what happened, but the mother calls him a pervert and drags the girl away. Rhiannon ascertains that the same thing has been happening everywhere again, and Ianto explains to her in a vague sort of way that this is the sort of thing he deals with, and asks her for the laptop so he can track the van that took Jack away, and also her car keys. He then runs (well, "runs") off. "A thank you would be nice!" yells Rhiannon. From a Torchwood employee? You'll be lucky, dear. She yells at him to be careful as he drives off.

London. Lois and Bridget are fielding calls. Lois hands Malcolm two calls on hold: one from the Home Secretary and one from his wife. Hard to say which is scarier at this point. The phone rings again: this time it's Gwen, wanting to speak to Malcolm. The mention of Torchwood causes Lois to bring up NotWikipedia again. Lois tells Gwen that she can't put her through because Malcolm is very busy, and Gwen starts getting hoity-toity about how if Lois knows what Torchwood is, then she'll know why the call is important. Lois asks Gwen why the government would be trying to kill people who can help, and that's what Gwen wants to know. Malcolm appears from his office and Lois minimises the Torchwood page; he wants her to call his wife. When he disappears, Lois agrees to set up a meeting for Gwen.

Gwen and Rhys are waiting for Malcolm in a café. Malcolm does not arrive, but Lois does. Gwen wants to know where Malcolm is. Lois says that this is probably the biggest mistake she's ever made (I'm sure a lot of people say that about their first encounter with Gwen Cooper too), but she's read their files and thinks they're all unsung national heroes. Gwen snips that she doesn't sign autographs, and wants to know why she's talking to Lois and not her boss. "Because," says Lois gravely, "if he knew you were here, you'd be dead. He gave the order to have Jack Harkness killed." Lois asks if Gwen recognises the other names of the people who were killed on the same day as Jack Harkness on Malcolm Tucker's orders. She's appalled at the idea that she signed the Official Secrets Act to cover up murders, and wants to know what's going on. "If you're the good guys, why doesn't it say that on your file?" asks Lois. "And if you're the good guys, who am I working for?" Rhys cuts the conversation short because they're arousing suspicion by not having ordered. This is, I'm sure, prompted by his devotion to national security and not by his rumbling belly. He explains to Lois that they have no money, so she spots him £20. Gwen asks for steak pie, chips, and a cup of tea. Lois asks for a latte, because she is a Poncey London Type. Rhys goes off to get the food. Gwen, in a rare show of humility, thanks Lois for helping them out. Lois, having now apparently disregarded her signature on the Official Secrets Act, tells Lois that everyone thinks that the children are linked to aliens, and that something weird is being build on the roof of MI5, though she doesn't know what. Gwen asks if there's any news about Jack and Ianto. Lois says that there's nothing on Ianto, but Jack's apparently dead. Gwen, of course, refuses to believe this, and so does Lois: why would Malcolm be asking someone to keep tabs on a dead man?

The answer, of course, is unfolding at Pat Kerrigan's HQ: Jack's regenerated, and Barrowman's lying there buck-naked. My eyes! He demands to know the name of his captor, so Pat Kerrigan makes herself known to him. Since he can't die, she's not going to tell him anything, she's just going to keep him trapped in a bunker. Fair enough. She walks off, and a pipe chucks cement in on top of Naked Barrowman, who screams. Ianto is watching from a distance. Kinky!

Back in That London, Lois hands Gwen a floorplan of where Jack's being kept. Gwen asks how they get inside. Lois, who's quite the shrewd operator, tells her that Rupesh's body is being picked up today, and that hijacking a funeral operator is easier than getting access to a maximum security compound, and hands Gwen everything she needs to put the plan into action. "I'm a PA. This is what I do," she offers, by way of explanation. "When this is all over, and you want a job? Come and see me," says Recruitment Officer Gwen. Lois smiles.

Next thing we know, Gwen and Rhys have bundled the undertaker into a coffin and stolen his hearse, assuring him that it's all in the national interest. I bet that's a huge comfort to the naked, terrified man you've just abandoned in the woods.

The PM meets Malcolm and Bridget at MI5. He asks if there's been any further information; Malcolm says they have operators on the 5-6-7-8 wavelength round the clock, but nothing's coming back. We finally see what they're building; it looks like a bizarre glass-panelled operating chamber. Dekker grins in a sinister fashion.

Gwen and Rhys arrive at Pat Kerrigan's HQ and pass the security gate. They meet with their contact, who apparently doesn't recognise Terrorist Threat Gwen Cooper even though she's made no attempt to disguise herself. Gwen walks through the mortuary with the Slow-Witted Soldier, who begins to wonder if he knows her from somewhere. They let Rhys in through the fire doors, and the Slow-Witted Soldier, who is of course dazzled by Gwen's moxie, asks Rhys if Gwen's seeing anyone. Rhys explodes that she's married and pregnant, despite Gwen's silent protests, and it looks like the Slow-Witted Soldier has sussed...that they're a couple. Wow, someone's recruitment policy is seriously lacking an IQ test.

They unzip the bodybag of poor pretty dead Rupesh as Gwen pulls out her sonic pen and switches off the CCTV. Pat Kerrigan's Chief Accomplice radios in to ask Slow-Witted Soldier if everything's okay, since the picture's gone all fuzzy. He replies in the affirmative just as Gwen clubs him in the back of the head with her gun. Dumbass.

She nicks his keys and they break into another cell, switching off CCTV as they go, causing Pat Kerrigan's Chief Accomplice to set off the alarm for the intruders. Gwen blasts her way into another lockup, only to find a huge block of concrete. She barely has time to "wtf?" before the soldiers arrive and open fire, though of course the idiots miss. Gwen tries to take out the next batch of soldiers, but Pat Kerrigan arrives and tells her she's "as trapped and helpless as the man in the concrete cell" and tells her to put down her weapons. As Gwen drops her firearms on the floor, the concrete cell rapidly recedes from view, because Ianto has just removed the entire bloody thing with a forklift truck. I shit you not. Gwen and Rhys run for it, and they make their escape on the forklife truck. At a presumed top speed of about 10mph. And the snipers still can't hit them. Sigh. Gwen instructs Rhys to move the cement lorry across the entrance while Ianto drives the forklift out - once this has been done, she fires at the fuel tank and ignites the whole damn thing. The trio made their snail-like escape as Pat Kerrigan phones Malcolm Tucker to tell him she fucked up.

Ianto drives them to a quarry, and instructs Gwen and Rhys to start the car. Ianto and the forkift crane drop the concrete cell over a cliff, where it smashes to bits on the floor. He leaps into the car, and they drive down to the bottom, where naked Barrowman is just coming back to life. Jack asks his team what's going on, and they have to admit that they don't know, but the children have revealed that whatever it is will happen tomorrow. Rhys gives his jacket to Gwen to give to Jack, and Eve Myles does a brilliant "I am trying really hard not to acknowledge your nudity, really" face as John Barrowman takes it from her. The quartet get into the car.

Evil London. Malcom and Bridget stride down an important corridor as a news report echoes on the soundtrack. Dekker unveils the finished chamber to them, which now seems to be a gas chamber, built to a very specific chemical concoction as demanded by the 5-6-7-8. It's a poisonous gas to humans, but it's what the aliens breathe. Bridget wants to know if they can't use this knowledge to work out what sort of aliens they are. "If we had all the time in the world," sneers Dekker. Malcolm wants to know what happens when they arrive. Dekker says that the room could be an ambassadorial suite, or a slaughterhouse. Now Bridget wants to know how they'll arrive inside it. Nobody knows. Malcolm wonders if every other country in the world has received the same instructions, built a chamber, and kept schtum about it. Dekker doesn't think so: whoever they are, they're coming for Britain, and he thinks Malcolm Tucker knows why. Malcolm and Bridget leave, and Dekker rubs himself up against the tank. Creepy!

Next time: Malcolm Tucker is expendable. Lois frets about being charged with treason. The aliens arrive. Alice has a gun! Lots of people are running!