The gift that keeps on giving

Episode 3.03, Day Three
Tx Wednesday 8th July 2009

Previously on Torchwood - Pat Kerrigan failed to kill all of Torchwood! Peter Capaldi was confused! Children were coming, and so was Clem! Gwen is pregnant and a bitch!

Cardiff, thankfully, is still beautiful. Ianto declares that a warehouse is "home". News reports across the world keep ON AND ON about the BLOODY CHILDREN. Rhys nearly immolates himself, and Gwen complains about being cold. We learn that the warehouse is an old "holding facility". Jack complains about having to wear a t-shirt and trackie bottoms, because he would rather be naked and waving his cock around. Jack lets slip that he knew Gwen was pregnant before Rhys did. Dear dear.

More tedious news reports. Children are under curfew, effective immediately. This is a great idea and ought to be introduced immediately. Home Office dogsbodies survey the television; Lois looks concerned.

Ianto's sister is happy because Ianto is alive; she is less happy about a lactose-intolerant child who is joining her impromptu childminding service.

Jack's daughter tries to ring Jack again. He is in the warehouse with the others, itemising what it is they have left after the KABOOM bomb. Well, you don't have a pterodactyl any more. Gwen suggests that they Live Outside The Law. Fucking hell. I think we can guarantee Torchwood will be the worst criminals of all time.

And indeed they are. They perform horrific acts of non-stealth and steal many things including a twatty car that will not serve as the new Torchwoodmobile because it is too small.

Jack's daughter steals the phone of a young woman and rings the police, who start tracing her call, obviously, as soon as she mentions the name "Captain Jack Harkness". Pat Kerrigan is fascinated to learn that Alice's identity is fake, and instructs her minions to find out who she is.

The Torchwood team return to the warehouse to assess their ill-gotten gains. Ianto has stolen clothes, because he is NOT GAY but just LIKES FASHION. Jack has a new military coat and is happy. Everyone whoops. I really hate the Torchwood team.

Clem is in a pub and putting together his small change to buy alcohol. He wails about being able to smell them. Everyone in the pub fears him. The landlady calls the police.

Jack starts trawling teh interwebz and teh databasez for the names Clem mentioned as being on the same trip as him back in the day. Gwen stalks Lois, who isn't all that happy about the prospect of being charged with treason. Gwen points out that she is not bearing in mind the fact that AS LONG AS IT HELPS GWEN, IT IS FINE, and gives her the magic camera contact lenses to wear. Lois keeps saying, "I can't!" and Gwen keeps begging, "Please!" Give her some pheromone spray, Gwen, that's how you Torchwood people usually force randoms to your will.

Ianto asks Jack how it felt getting blown...up. Oh, I thought we were going somewhere else for a second there. It wasn't good, apparently. Jack says he is a fixed point in time and space and will be immortal forever. Ianto says ominous things about him not being immortal and having to die one day and needing to make the most of their time together. Oh, IANTO. You may as well have written a big sign saying KILL ME PLEASE. They find out that Clem has been arrested in Camden in That London, and Ianto performs some exposition about the kids not arriving in Plymouth when expected. Jack asks Ianto to show photos of the other people killed the same day as him - and then we get some subtle tortured Barrowman acting.

Home Office have worked out that Alice is Jack's daughter and that she has a son of her own. Peter Capaldi tells Pat Kerrigan to "bring her in". She is happy. Lois, meanwhile, begs to help, and lies that Mr Frobisher wants her "at his side", as detailed in a private conversation. Least. Convincing. Lie. Ever. Bridget says that Lois is not the first and can come along, because the Home Office make provision for mistresses in meetings.

Gwen rings PC Andy and asks him to release Clem, and she will stand bail. He does so. She goes to get Clem, who would be entirely justified in telling her to piss off because she was so rude to him last time they met, but he just cries instead. Possibly because Gwen has just arrived.

Alice is evidently uneasy in her house, and tells her son that they are leaving immediately, and he must be quiet. She grabs a small armoury, they leg it out of the back door, and really rubbish SAS-types burst in through their front door. The SAS types then chase her and the son down the road, carrying guns but NOT ACTUALLY USING THEM. This is because Pat Kerrigan does not want her dead, as she informs her. Then the son begins to point at the sky because aliens are here!

And yes, children across the world are doing the same thing. As is Clem. They are all pointing at That London, because that is where everything important happens, as Gwen told us yesterday. The civil servants work out that they are pointing at Thames House.

And then a bloody great big fireball descends from the skies, and Peter Capaldi scurries around to watch it. There is much brightness and shielding of eyes. Then it all goes quiet - and then the children announce, "We are here." They giggle in a sinister fashion and carry on with their business.

Peter Capaldi is looking appalled and scared. A disembodied voice demands that he speak. Peter Capaldi gives his name, rank and serial number, and welcomes the aliens on behalf of humanity. A squealing and jellified squelching indicates that the alien is not entirely impressed. On the plus side, they're happy to be called the 4-5-6. Peter Capaldi asks them what it is they actually want. The response? "The world." Riiight. This is because they want to speak. Peter Capaldi gibbers bureaucratic civil service nonsense, because that's what goes down well with aliens who want to take over the world. Oh, and then he adds a condition - also a good move - talking about the 4-5-6's previous visit to Earth, which should be kept "off the record". You're not talking to a tame lobby journalist NOW, Tucker!

Ianto and Rhys watch the news reports, which talk of a "pillar of fire" in London - somewhat poetic, but we'll let it go. Cut to a kind of cabinet meeting - The president of the USA via his military representative we saw on Day One is angry because the alien landing was planned and they are in London. And UNIT are pissed off too. Everyone agrees to put the civil service in general and the expendable Peter Capaldi in particular in the firing line by acting as the intermediaries between humankind and teh alienz.

The Capaldi wife clunks around in her kitchen doing domestic things and chatting on the phone. She fails to notice the big American in a military greatcoat lurking by the wall. He steals her mobile, and then leaves.

Clem is in a car with Gwen, and witters about smelling a man he knew would come back for him. Concubine Lois is sitting quietly pre-meeting and Bridget is bitching. Jack rings Peter Capaldi on his wife's phone and there is exposition about 1965 - they have come back. "All of us dead, so no-one could say anything," says Captain Jack, and Capaldi agrees. Jack wants in to Thames House and wants to talk to the 4-5-6. He thinks he has an excellent bargaining chip until he learns that the Home Office have his daughter and grandson.

Gwen has taken Clem to the warehouse to meet Rhys. Ianto takes offence to being called a "queer" - Clem knows he is a queer, because he can smell it. The subtlety of the script is such that I could cry.

Peter Capaldi is preparing for his negotiation while Team Torchwood wibble about Lois not having her lenses in yet. Of course, she makes a quick excuse to nip to the ladies and bung them in. Gwen types messages to her without using apostrophes - just another reason to loathe her. We learn that Rhys has tried the contact lenses for "fun", as has Ianto. Torchwood: epitome of professionalism.

Lois opens her eyes very wide as she enters the negotiating room, all the better for Gwen to type bossy messages to her. Clem, watching the London activities on the Torchwood laptop, says he can't smell anything at that distance. Capaldi begins tedious bureaucratic narrative of greeting, which are accepted by the 4-5-6. There's more squealing and squelching for reasons unknown. Capaldi asks if he should continue - and yes, he should. He asks that children should not be used as a means of communication - and yes, that's fine. He then wants to know why the 4-5-6 chose lovely Great Britain - and that is because they have no significance. Gwen says this is a lie, because the 4-5-6 have been here before, and Team Torchwood surmise that Capaldi and the 4-5-6 are collaborating. The 4-5-6 want a gift, which is a bit presumptuous, particularly when that gift is "your children". Clem is very upset: "He's coming back!" Gwen tells him to shut up, because she's a bitch, and then we discover that Clem is scared of Captain Jack. The 4-5-6 are still talking about a tithe of the earth's children - ten per cent should do it.

Clem's still scared of Jack, who is "THE SAME - how can he be the same?" Barrowman does some more subtle acting - it was he who shepherded the children into the light in 1965, and it was easier if you didn't know their names. Jack confesses that he gave the aliens the children they asked for back in the day, as a gift.

Whoa. Next time - moar children! Moar Capaldi! Moar Kerrigan! Moar fake computers!